Chapter Nine: First Time For Everything

One of the things that I hate most about my personality is the fact that I can never hold grudges very long. Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to keep this one; I'd be a hypocrite.

Marco and I are sitting in the living room, pitch back except the television screen and the light from the fire. I told Marco that I was freezing, when I reality I wanted to freak him out, so he let me start a fire in the 'creepy' fire place.

We've made a mess of the house and the movie hasn't even started. But it's more fun cleaning up the mess than starting it. Somehow you always create even more of a mess.

The bag of popcorn is sitting in-between us, making us hit our elbows against the back of the couch if we want a handful. Cans of soda are spread around the coffee and side tables, my jar of Vegemite is sitting open on the coffee table beside a box of crackers and a knife, and the remote for the DVD player is in my hand.

"You sure you're not going to scream like a little girl? I can go and turn the lights on." The movie isn't scary, but I can bet that Marco will jump at least five times.

Marco shakes his head, the glow from the fire outlining his profile. "I'll be fine."

I shrug and lift up the remote, press 'play', and lean back into the over-sized couch.

Marco starts to jump a lot sooner than most people I know who've watched this movie. His head is resting against my shoulder and his fingers are digging into my arm before the people even get into the house! Despite the pain and the feeling that my arm is falling off, I continue to watch the movie. I get really hungry, but not being able to get to the crushed popcorn or my Vegemite without Marco's dead weight following me I sit here and let my stomach growl.

I can't help but chuckle as Marco starts talking to the screen.

"No, no. Move, move, move. Get out of there!" he whimpers to Evelyn when she's knocked through the decaying wall and she's laying on ashes when the evil of the house advances toward her.

I grin, though it was more of a grimace because of his fingers are digging into my flesh, as I hear Marco yelp. He grips my arm tighter and I can't hold back a laugh. Marco raises his head, brown eyes wide.

"You laughing at me?"

Turning my head to look at him, I reply: "No. I'm laughing with you only you're not laughing."

"My being scared amuses you?"

I laugh again. "The movie's not scary."

Marco releases my arm from its death grip and lightly smacks me. "It is to scary, he retorts like a child.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." I smirk.

"Why do you have so much fun making fun of me?"

I think for a second or two. "Because it's so easy," I reply, getting a smile from Marco.

He seems to have forgotten about the whole Jimmy thing. I look back at the big screen and feel Marco's head go back to its resting place on my shoulder.

three months later

I've been having mixed feelings for a while now, it's driving me insane.

Marco and I seem to be close friends, not a couple. He keeps saying to me that he's not ready to come out, but that's still no reason to do what he's been doing: not even letting me stand next to him and shit like that.

I can't understand him. I've tried but, I just haven't been able to succeed.

I've always known that I was gay, it's not like I've loved girls and the next second I liked guys. I've always gotten crushes on other boys, not girls. I was born gay, but I can't say the same about every gay man out there. There should be a handbook about these things: 'What does it mean when my boyfriend is pushing me away?'

I'm at Marco's house. No one's home but us, not that it matters. I came over to get help on a science assignment, one that I've been procrastinating on for a while now. We got halfway through it when we got hungry, so I brought up the idea for a pizza. After turning on the oven, I turn around and bump into Marco.

"Sorry. I didn't see you," I apologize as I watch Marco reach over and grab the pizza box.

"It's all right." He smiles and backs up. Then his smile fades and looks up at me. "Can I tell you something? Promise you won't freak out?"

"Unless you're going to tell me that you're pregnant, I won't freak out." I know it's a horrible joke.

Marco laughs softly. "It's more of a question, actually. I mean—"

"Marco."

He takes a deep breath. "You've…been with other guys, right?"

"Depends on what you mean by the word been."

Marco grips the pizza box tighter. "Well…you've kissed another guy, right?"

"Three and a half moths and he asks me something like this now?"

"I have."

He looks down at the ground. I barely hear him whisper out: "What's it like?"

I try not to laugh, just because of the fact I've never been asked that before, especially by a boyfriend.

"If you were bi I'd tell you that it's just like kissing a girl, but since you're not…." I wouldn't be able to finish what I'm saying even if I wanted to.

Marco leans up, a feat all its own, and kisses me. My eyes are wide with shock, but soon close when I feel Marco's hand shakily rest on my neck. I return the kiss, my own hands resting on Marco's hips. Time seems to slow down to a snail's pace, but soon we pull away slightly.

Blinking, I try to make sure that what happened really did.

Marco's eyes are staring deep into mine, as if he's seeing right through me or reading my every thought. God only knows how long we're standing there staring at each other until, as if an unseen signal went off, we lean in and kiss again. The kiss is deeper this time. It's kind of like a piece of a Hershey bar, one you have one piece you want another and another and another. Great, I'm comparing a kiss to a chocolate bar.

It's amazing, though, the kiss I mean. You can kiss a lot of guys in your life, but nothing can compare to this one. I feel Marco tug at the hem of my shirt and we start walking forward to the stairs—well myself forward and Marco back.