Chapter Twelve: The Sun Doesn't Rise
I sit there in shock, my mind not able to comprehend what Dana's telling me. "What?"
Dana sighs deeply. "You had a check-up a week ago, remember?…You have AIDS." She tries to hold it together, but I can tell it's difficult for her.
"That's not possible. I'm healthy, I'm on meds…." Stage one revisited: denial.
"You know that no matter what the HIV will lead to AIDS. It's only a matter of time."
I should be crying or screaming. Maybe there's a reason as to why I'm not. I guess I'm still recovering from the time I found out that I was positive. I'm dying and not one fucking tear.
My mouth doesn't open, my eyes won't shift away from the table cloth, and my body is so tense someone could use me as a chair. My vision begins to blur and it doesn't seem like I'm breathing.
Finally I find my voice. "I…I'm going to go up to my room."
Dana nods as I get up slowly. "Are you going to be down for dinner?" The words shake as she says them.
"I don't know. I just want to be by myself for a while."
When I get to my room I shut the door and walk over to my bed. Collapsing to the mattress I scream, my face against the sheets. I finally do start to bawl, no end currently in sight.
Eventually I can't breathe anymore, but that doesn't seem to stop me from crying my eyes out.
A flash enters my mind; my razor.
I could pop out a razor blade with something and….
No.
But I'm dying anyway, nothing wrong with speeding it up….
No. That'll be taking the easy way out.