Chapter Thirteen: Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

Reluctantly I wake up the next day.

I fell asleep during my crying episode, so there's no doubt that I look like shit at the bottom of a can. I roll out of bed, shower, and dress.

The lesion I noticed on my collar bone a few days ago has all but gotten smaller, but luckily it's covered by my sweatshirt. If I was more aware that would've tipped me off.

I'd skip school if I could. I really don't feel like going into that building today. Pretty soon I'm going to look really sick, I'll have people down my back, and even if I don't tell anyone it's not like no one will know that nothing's up. I soon make my way into the kitchen and toast myself a slice of bread, watching the minutes tick by.

"Are you sure you want to go into school today?" Dana's voice snaps me from my trance.

I shrug.

"Why don't you go. If you want to come home, just call me and let me know." Dana pulls a yogurt out of the refrigerator and hands it to me along with a spoon she quickly snatches from the dishwasher.

I give her an odd look.

"Go on. It's clean."

I park my car in the school parking lot and sit there. Looking out the windshield, Fish from the local rock station hitting on some girl faintly floating through the car, I watch as students walk into the school.

They don't seem to have a care in the world, like they're living in a bubble and nothing bad can happen to them. I used to be like that, emphasis on used to.

Shutting off the car's engine I climb out of the vehicle and lock the doors.

As I'm walking up to the building I can hear someone run up behind me and call my name. Marco. I grip my shoulder bag tighter and continue on my way. I'm not going to let him make a fool out of me again. He must've gotten the hint quickly, for he heads away from me and goes somewhere else.

For once I get to homeroom on time and get settled in my seat. I must've drifted off because I get a start when Paige taps me on the shoulder.

"Hey," I greet her, waiting for my heart rate to return to normal.

Paige smiles, somewhat grimly. "Hi. I heard about what happened the other day, I'm really sorry."

"Don't be."

"Well I am. What Marco did was really…sick and wrong. I hope he gets punished for doing that," she states, her eyes looking me over. "Have you lost weight?"

I nod. No use in trying to deny it.

"You look good, but don't go giving us another reason to worry about you, okay?"

"Worry about me?" I question.

Paige shrugs and turns around as the teacher walks into the room.

The day goes by somewhat quickly, the lunch bell ringing before I know it. I follow the swarm of people into the cafeteria, but turn around when I figure that I'm not hungry enough to put the food to any good use.

Heading down the hallways to the men's washroom, I can't help but sigh deeply and let my thoughts wander off again. I hear someone behind me again and turn, only to meet Marco. I turn back around and continue on my way, but he calls my name.

"What do you want?" I ask, perturbed.

"We need to talk."

Scoffing, I reply: "About what? Do you want to call me a faggot again?"

"Please," Marco says softly. "Just give me five minutes."

I turn around and look down at him coldly. "Not a second more." I put a hand on top of a water fountain and lean against it slightly, watching Marco.

"I'm getting suspended for what I did. I'm going to pack up my stuff soon. I deserve it. I never should have done that to you, it was heartless and I was being a huge hypocrite. I'm sorry."

I roll my eyes. "Did the principal make you say that?"

Marco sighs. "No, he didn't…. Well, some of it."

"I figured."

"Could you just listen to me, please?"

I stop leaning against the water fountain and cross my arms. "Why should I listen to you? Half of what you've ever told me was probably a bloody lie." I start walking away from him, shutting my eyes tightly because I'm the one lying.

Marco follows me. "I may be a bastard, but I'm not a lying bastard. Not much of one anyway. I'm just—"

"'Afraid of what people think of you', I know," I say flatly.

"It's not like I'm the only one in the world who lies. I'm sure you do, too."

I nearly bite clean through my bottom lip. I stop walking, but keep my back to Marco.

"I really do like you, I'd never lie about something like that. It's just the fact that—" he lowers his voice even though no one else is around "—I'm gay. Just because things are going well with you doesn't mean they will for me. You came out right away. I've been playing the straight boy for years!"

"It's not that big of a deal, Marco. It's not like everyone in the universe is going to blow you off and treat you like radioactive waste."

"I know that, but my mind is still trapped in the era of gay bashing and things like that."

"And what you did to me wasn't gay bashing?" I nearly yell, whipping my body around to look at Marco.

Marco's sad expression becomes even sadder. "I said that I was sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough, Marco. Do you think that I can just forget that this never happened and get on with my life?" I spit. "I would if I could, but it's not planned out like that." Again, I start to walk away from him.

"What isn't planned out like that?" Marco asks, staying where he is. "You're little picture on life?"

I stop dead in my tracks. "No," I croak out. "My life in general."

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

I can't keep it in any longer, all my feelings blow up. "I'm dying, okay? That's what it means!" I yell. I don't remember turning around, but the look on Marco's face will be plastered in my mind for eternity.

The silence is overwhelming, Marco just looking at me with his eyes wide. After what seems like years, he talks at last. "You're what?"

"I…I have AIDS."

Like a light switch Marco's expression turns to rage. "And you didn't tell me? We…." His hands rise to grip his hair for several seconds. "You could've given it to me!"

"No. We used condoms." I feel like a deer in headlights.

"That doesn't matter! You didn't tell me!" His voice raises and lowers; like he wants to keep his voice down, but it isn't working too well. "What if we didn't use condoms, huh? What would you be saying now?" He yells again, but just like another flick of the switch his voice becomes soft and wavery. "How long?"

I pause, trying to recover from his sudden change of moods. "I found out yesterday, but I was HIV positive for five years…."

"I thought we were each other's first."

"You were. It was—I was twelve. The boys from the home I was in decided to play soccer. I was on my way to the goal when I collided with John Matyniak. He got a pretty bad gash on his head and the wound that was already on my arm reopened. I was wearing a wife-beater and we were both knocked out…John's head was resting on the arm with my open cut, bleeding right into it." I explain grimly. "It's funny how you can remember details like that. Getting HIV that way is really tricky, but it's one of the only things I didn't fail at."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Because I didn't want anyone to treat me like I'm some sort of cripple. Just because I'm dying faster than most people, it doesn't mean I should be on the sidelines."

More silence grips us. My lips seem to be cemented together, all I can do is look at Marco. He doesn't meet my eyes. He begins to back away from me and soon shakes his head.

"I'm sorry…." Eventually he turns around and I see him walk away from me and disappear around the end of the hallway.