Chapter Seventeen: Not Worthy to Say

I stare down at my food, the smell making me feel ill.

"Are you going to talk to him today or not?" Ellie brings me back into reality. "Or do I have to force you?"

"I'll talk to him," I reply bitterly.

"There's no need to bite my head off," Ellie grumbles.

I push my lunch tray forward. "I don't feel well, okay? I'm sorry."

Ashley furrows her eyebrows. "Are you all right?"

Rising to my feet, I nod. "I'll be fine, don't worry about me."

I catch Ellie and Ashley look at each other, but walk away from the table before I can hear another health speech from the two of them.

I don't want to talk to Marco, for some reason I have this feeling at the pit of my stomach…of course, that could be part of the large blanket of pain that's engulfing me.

Heading across the cafeteria I stare in the direction of the table Marco usually sits. Sure enough a few seconds later I see Marco and his friends laughing about something; when I get even closer to the table I think I hear my name. I soon get to where I need to be and stop behind Marco, a few peoples' faces going pale.

"The guy's such a fucking bore. Cyril could put an insomniac to sleep within five minutes. And let me tell you, the guy may be awful tall, but he's not very well-endowed if you know what I mean—" Marco stops suddenly when no one else joins in the festivities. Looking behind him Marco sees me and turns white.

"I need to talk to you," I say coldly.

"There's nothing to talk about, Cyril," Marco snaps when we walk outside to the front of the school. He crosses his arms, angry that's he's missing a lunch period. "You've already shot me down again, what else is there to say?"

I look down at him, feeling like a caterpillar. "I'm still a human being. I may be ill, but I still have all these feelings and thoughts which right about now I wish I didn't have. Death is walking up my driveway and the least you could do is listen to me. And you must be blind because I'm every inch a man."

Marco lowers his head. "What is it?"

"You have issues, I understand that, but you don't need to treat me like shit because of it. Don't tell me that you like me and then turn around to degrade me in front of everyone. Don't tell me that you like me and walk away when I need you the most. Don't make snide comments about me behind my back. Don't—"

"I told you why I had to do all of that. I came out, do you know how hard that was for me?" he interrupts.

"Of course I know how hard that was for you, I've done it countless times myself! I've had foster parents boot me out the door the second I told them that I was gay, so don't act like I don't have any clue about how you feel."

I start to feel like I'm being drained of everything, my brain swimming in its liquid.

"You think that losing a few friends is bad? Try living in a home for years, before finally thinking that I actually belong. Stop thinking that your life is the pits, that because you didn't ace a test you're never going to be a doctor or some other profession like that and because of that your life is over. Take a look at me! I'm never going to be around long enough to make something of myself! Don't cry because you didn't get the birthday gift you wanted because I'll be dead before I get to celebrate another one of mine!"

Marco takes a shaky breath. "It's just hard. I'm scared."

"So you have to talk shit about me?" I scoff. "You don't know what hard is. You don't know what it's like being scared. Try being in pain for every waking second, knowing that there's no known cure for the disease you have. Try not having any idea whether or not today is your last day, whether the 'good-bye's' you say to your friends are your final farewell's."

I'm horribly warm, probably sweating like a pig, and my vision is hazy.

Marco looks up into my eyes. "You can't see yourself, Cyril. I'm your boyfriend, I have to see you get sicker and sicker. I can barely bring myself to come to school. I start wigging out; wondering if I'm going to hear the announcement on the TVs that you've died."

I blink, trying to see straight. "You're not my boyfriend, where did you get an idea like that? Oh, right, Ellie went all technical on your ass?"

I being to walk away, my body swimming through the void space all around me; struggling to stay afloat.

Vision suddenly black, I feel my body collide with the ground.

I'm met with unconsciousness.