TITLE - living in the past.
SETTING - Hogwarts, Harry Potter's 3rd year
PAIRINGS - prob none, but wait and see
CHARACTERS - McGonagall, Lupin, brief appearance by Dumbledore
THEME - secret ties
SUMMARY - Remus Lupin tries to persuade Minerva
McGonagall to forget the past and start living for the
present, some rather cryptic conversations, can you figure it
out. The parts that weren't in POA.
DISCLAIMER - No I don't own anything here except the text,
I can barely lay claim to the situation as even most of that
was set up by J. K. Rowling, I'm just dabbling in could have
been's for my own personal enjoyment. And hopefully yours
too.
LIVING IN THE PAST
Remus Lupin, got out of the carriage that had brought him up to the entrance of Hogwarts, his thoughts set on informing, Harry Potter's head of house of the recent incident involving the dementor.
Once inside he paused for a moment and thought to himself, 'What house is Harry in?' Then almost laughing he realised what a stupid thought that had been, 'So whose head of Gryffindor then, ahh yes Minerva McGonagall,' he stopped his thoughts right there and decided to keep this in a business only manner and rushed on up to her office.
He knocked lightly on the door and was pleased to hear a curious 'come in' from inside, he didn't know where he'd look if she hadn't been in her office, or indeed if Minerva herself was no longer the Transfiguration teacher.
He stepped inside and was greeted with a smile from his colleague, "Remus!" she exclaimed in an obvious overjoyed tone, "I didn't think I'd be seeing you so soon."
He felt relieved that she remembered him and slightly calmer at her relaxed manner, "Hi Min", he returned her friendly greeting.
The smile instantly vanished and he was sure that he could see sadness in her eyes, "Please don't call me that!" she said the sadness welling.
Remus felt slightly confused, "But I've always called you that," he couldn't help the hurt from showing in his voice.
She bit her lip, why did she always have to be so curt, "I'm sorry" she replied truly sounding it, "It's just, no ones called me that for years, it brings back too many memories," she gave him a veined smile.
He gave a sigh and just nodded, obviously the pain was still raw, 'how can she still be so pained by something that happened so long ago, no wonder she looked so old', he noticed that her hair hadn't even started greying, 'old, damn she looks younger than I do.' "It's not fair" he said allowed before realising it.
"Sorry, what is?" she asked the smile back on her face again.
"Oh, err, you just. well. you haven't even got any grey hairs yet, and I mean, well, look at me and you must be well.." he paused as he did a quick calculation in his head, "seven years older." he trailed off and laughed at himself, "It's not really that much is it?" She just smiled back and shook her head, "Well it seemed a lot more when we were kids," he stopped laughing and wondered what happened to the keep it business like idea from earlier.
The sadness starting to show in her eyes again she fixed him with her stare, "Remus, what did you come here for? I presume it wasn't just to remiss about the past,"
He shook his head, 'no that is the last thing I want to do, I can't afford to upset you,' clearing his thoughts he smiled and shook his head, "Well actually it's about Harry Potter," he took in her expression as it went from confusion to worry, "There was an incident on the train, with a dementor, erm," he thought how to word this, "he passed out. He seems fine now but I thought I should let you know."
She stood up and moved around the front of the desk, "Yes thank-you Remus, I'll go and see him straight away,"
He looked her in the eye and said in little more than a whisper, "You need to forget about the past, he could help, you know that don't you, you need to let go."
She raised an eyebrow at him and whispered back, "I choose to grieve in my own way, without dragging other into it with me,"
He looked back before replying, "You already have, Minerva, you already have." He turned and walked out the room, in order to get ready for the feast and sorting and left Minerva McGonagall standing in his wake a look of pure shook on her features, before she left to find Harry, and hopefully take care of some business with miss Granger.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
Later that year, Remus found himself sat alone in the staff room with Minerva again, he sighed as he looked over at her, she hadn't changed much since he'd known her, she looked older, but not old, just mature, but that was only to be expected, it was 12 years since he last saw and even then it was only fleeting, he hadn't really seen a lot of her since he left hogwarts.
He moved over to her and peering over her shoulder saw what she was reading, a copy of the daily prophet, the main article on Black, "Could you ever forgive him?"
This made her jump, she had been unaware that Remus had even left his seat, she let out a shudder, "I don't think I could ever forgive anyone that, not even Sirius," she sighed knowing how that would have hurt Remus, "What about you?".
This took Remus by surprise he hadn't expected the question to be thrown back at him, "Well there's not a day goes by that I don't wish he was innocent, I still find it hard to believe." His eyes had gone very distant.
Minerva sat in the chair had had to stop herself from grunting, 'well that didn't answer my question,' she thought sharply to herself, but knew better than to push it further.
Remus moved around and sat in the chair opposite hers, 'he isn't going to give up is he,' she sighed again and folded the paper up and placed it on the table beside her.
"Minerva, you need to stop living in the past, what happen has happened, I don't mean you can't be upset or sad, but well it's been 12 years, you should be able to get on with your life." Remus was quite taken aback by his own little outburst and waiting, expecting her to hit him over the head for being so insensitive, start crying or anything except.
Nothing.
She sat there amazed at what he'd said, she hadn't expected him to be so forward about it, "I, I am getting on with my life. I have a job, a good one at that and." she trailed off realising his point.
"You have nothing but a job Min.erva," he caught himself from using the nickname that was still stuck in his mind. "No family, you don't keep in touch with any friends, I bet you don't even do anything outside of school time except remiss about the past." he choose these last words carefully to copy what she had said to him on the first day of the term.
She could feel tears starting to well up in her eyes as she answered, "Of course I have no family, Voldemort took them all, most of my friends are dead or as good as dead, and well I didn't think you'd ever want to keep in touch with me,"
Remus saw the tears starting to build, "What happened to that loose, fun- loving girl I used to know, what happened to the girl I harboured a crush on for so long," He inwardly kicked himself for saying that last part, she didn't need to know that, only something else for her to be sad about.
She blinked slightly taken aback, but knowing better than to retort to that comment settled herself in her mind before beginning, 'he had a crush on me, I never knew, no wonder he wouldn't come to the wedding, why didn't he say anything, does he still have those feelings now,' she shook her head at the direction her thoughts were going, "It's not easy to keep up a couldn't care less attitude, when everyone you hold dear has been murdered."
Remus sighed as the tears started to roll down her face, he was secretly glad that she had decided to ignore his little unveiling of feelings, he moved over to her and wrapped his arms around her listening to her sobs.
"First off...Marcus,...then...James...Lily...Peter..then Sirius...was taken into..Askaban...and..you..I..never could..get in touch..with you...i thought...you didn't...want to see...me anymore..well...we'd never been that..close, and Dumbledore.Harry."
Then last part of what she had said seemed to melt into one undisguisable mumble, he hugged her close and whispered quite reassuring words to her.
She soon calmed down, she looked up at Remus through her glassy eyes, "Don't go, promise you won't go, you're the only person I have left." He sighed at her before nodding, how could he say no.
He looked at her and said, "Just answer me one question," she nodded so he continued, "Why can't I call you Min?" he instantly wished he hadn't brought it up, because she shuffled restlessly and her eyes filled once again.
"Because.that's what James used to call me." she said this and buried her head in his shoulder, he rubbed her back gently, and caught sight of the aged headmaster staring knowingly at them, Remus gave him a distressed look and he nodded, Remus knew that he thought she couldn't be with anyone who knew her better. But Remus had his doubts.
As soon as she had calmed down once more he escorted her, red eyed and tousle-haired back to her rooms, where he knew she'd be crying until she fell asleep.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
The following day Minerva set out to find Remus, they needed to talk.
She found him in his office sat behind the desk concentrating very hard on the pile of essays in front of him. She cleared her throat so that he knew she was there. He smiled as he looked up at her.
"Remus, about yesterday," she hesitated slightly, in which he just looked confused as he moved to sit on the desk in front of her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have broken down like that, it's just." she trailed off hoping to stop herself from crying again.
He looked at her and placed his hand over her trembling one, "It's ok" he assured her "you just have to deal with it in your own way, you've been putting it off for so long it's just become a part of you." She sat down on the desk beside him and look straight into his eyes, Remus tried hard to control his pulse which was running away with him, "I know your not as cold and harsh as you lead the students to believe."
She looked down at his hand, which was firmly placed over her own, 'does he still have those feelings for me, I don't think I could confide in him is he did, he's talking as if he'd do something very regrettable,' lost in her own thoughts for a moment, Minerva let her guard down. "Remus, what you said yesterday, was it true, I mean well, did you really have those feelings," she paused hoping she hadn't sounded mean.
Remus looked up and sighed, 'so she was listening,' "Well, I think it was just a case of best friend's older sister, and you were my teacher," he felt his face redden and wished he hadn't have mentioned it, "I mean it didn't feel bad when you were a student teacher 'cos you were just like his sister and that was it, but when you actually became a teacher, it made me feel daft, well you know, it was why I never kept in touch," He had now gone obviously red.
She looked at him and giggled, "oh Remus, you're the only friend I've got left now, lets not spoil the only true friend either of us have left, besides you're the nearest thing to family I have left."
Remus looked at her and smiled, "True, true, I have no other family and well you're the only one left, well apart from Sirius, but that's not a good thing," Remus' eyes looked suddenly sad. "Besides, you do have family,"
She looked at him the smile leaving her tired face, "You're not going to let this drop are you,"
"No," came the curt reply.
"He doesn't even like me, unlike you, now he loves you to bits." She fixed him with her stare.
He gave a small giggle, "Only because I'm not stuck up and harsh,"
She looked at him in mock anger, "Am not," she retorted. Then giggled at the look on his face, "Ok well maybe just a bit,"
He sighed, "You weren't supposed to admit it. Why didn't you take him anyway, surly the fact that you were a witch would have made you a better choice, and the fact that you actually liked the boy."
Minerva let out a breath she hadn't realised that she had been holding. "I would have done, but Albus wouldn't let me, 'I was in no fit state to look after a child' 'The wizarding world is not safe,' and 'I couldn't leave my job at hogwarts' but I wish I had,"
Remus was beside himself with laughter at his friend's impersonation of the ancient headmaster.
She shook her head at his immaturity then spoke up, "Well, I'd better be going, I'm sure the children would love it, if we were caught, alone together in your office at 11 o'clock at night but it would do nothing for my reputation."
Remus just gave her a boyish grin before she exited with a loud tutt.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
Some time later Minerva McGonagall exited the headmaster's office in quit a flap, she hurried her way over to the defence against the dark art's office and went in without knocking.
"Remus, Albus said you had resigned." There was a trace of panic in her voice. He looked up at her with sad eyes and just nodded. "You can't let a scoundrel like Snape scare you away," she was almost in tears now.
"Min, letters will be arriving in the morning from all the angry parents, it's just better for everyone if I go,"
She cringed slightly, never having to personally address his situation, "Not for me," she said weekly.
He looked up at her while placing some of his belongings into a cardboard box, "You still have Harry," She snorted quietly to herself. He looked up, a pleading expression in his eyes, "You've got to tell him, Min, he needs to know, he needs someone, YOU need someone."
The tears started to well up in her eyes again, "It's not that simple, I can't just change."
He asked again this time more forcefully, "Promise me Min, Promise, you'll tell him."
She looked back shaking slightly, "I...I'll tell him when the times right, I promise I'll tell him eventually."
He sighed loudly, 'well at least it's an improvement.' he thought to himself. He sat back at his desk and taking a sheet of an old daily prophet started to wrap up a small mug. Starring up at him from the paper was the sallow, forlorn face of Sirius Black. He looked up at Minerva who was still stood there, "You believe him don't you?" He asked the question almost willing her to say yes.
She looked at him and smiled slightly, a watery smile albeit but a smile non-the less, "Yes," she said in a definite tone, then almost to herself rather than Remus, "James would have wanted me to." With that she left him sitting there packing his things away.
A short time later a certain Harry Potter would be calling in on him.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
A/N
Ok thanks for reading let me know what you thought, it doesn't take a moment. And I really appreciate it.
LIVING IN THE PAST
Remus Lupin, got out of the carriage that had brought him up to the entrance of Hogwarts, his thoughts set on informing, Harry Potter's head of house of the recent incident involving the dementor.
Once inside he paused for a moment and thought to himself, 'What house is Harry in?' Then almost laughing he realised what a stupid thought that had been, 'So whose head of Gryffindor then, ahh yes Minerva McGonagall,' he stopped his thoughts right there and decided to keep this in a business only manner and rushed on up to her office.
He knocked lightly on the door and was pleased to hear a curious 'come in' from inside, he didn't know where he'd look if she hadn't been in her office, or indeed if Minerva herself was no longer the Transfiguration teacher.
He stepped inside and was greeted with a smile from his colleague, "Remus!" she exclaimed in an obvious overjoyed tone, "I didn't think I'd be seeing you so soon."
He felt relieved that she remembered him and slightly calmer at her relaxed manner, "Hi Min", he returned her friendly greeting.
The smile instantly vanished and he was sure that he could see sadness in her eyes, "Please don't call me that!" she said the sadness welling.
Remus felt slightly confused, "But I've always called you that," he couldn't help the hurt from showing in his voice.
She bit her lip, why did she always have to be so curt, "I'm sorry" she replied truly sounding it, "It's just, no ones called me that for years, it brings back too many memories," she gave him a veined smile.
He gave a sigh and just nodded, obviously the pain was still raw, 'how can she still be so pained by something that happened so long ago, no wonder she looked so old', he noticed that her hair hadn't even started greying, 'old, damn she looks younger than I do.' "It's not fair" he said allowed before realising it.
"Sorry, what is?" she asked the smile back on her face again.
"Oh, err, you just. well. you haven't even got any grey hairs yet, and I mean, well, look at me and you must be well.." he paused as he did a quick calculation in his head, "seven years older." he trailed off and laughed at himself, "It's not really that much is it?" She just smiled back and shook her head, "Well it seemed a lot more when we were kids," he stopped laughing and wondered what happened to the keep it business like idea from earlier.
The sadness starting to show in her eyes again she fixed him with her stare, "Remus, what did you come here for? I presume it wasn't just to remiss about the past,"
He shook his head, 'no that is the last thing I want to do, I can't afford to upset you,' clearing his thoughts he smiled and shook his head, "Well actually it's about Harry Potter," he took in her expression as it went from confusion to worry, "There was an incident on the train, with a dementor, erm," he thought how to word this, "he passed out. He seems fine now but I thought I should let you know."
She stood up and moved around the front of the desk, "Yes thank-you Remus, I'll go and see him straight away,"
He looked her in the eye and said in little more than a whisper, "You need to forget about the past, he could help, you know that don't you, you need to let go."
She raised an eyebrow at him and whispered back, "I choose to grieve in my own way, without dragging other into it with me,"
He looked back before replying, "You already have, Minerva, you already have." He turned and walked out the room, in order to get ready for the feast and sorting and left Minerva McGonagall standing in his wake a look of pure shook on her features, before she left to find Harry, and hopefully take care of some business with miss Granger.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
Later that year, Remus found himself sat alone in the staff room with Minerva again, he sighed as he looked over at her, she hadn't changed much since he'd known her, she looked older, but not old, just mature, but that was only to be expected, it was 12 years since he last saw and even then it was only fleeting, he hadn't really seen a lot of her since he left hogwarts.
He moved over to her and peering over her shoulder saw what she was reading, a copy of the daily prophet, the main article on Black, "Could you ever forgive him?"
This made her jump, she had been unaware that Remus had even left his seat, she let out a shudder, "I don't think I could ever forgive anyone that, not even Sirius," she sighed knowing how that would have hurt Remus, "What about you?".
This took Remus by surprise he hadn't expected the question to be thrown back at him, "Well there's not a day goes by that I don't wish he was innocent, I still find it hard to believe." His eyes had gone very distant.
Minerva sat in the chair had had to stop herself from grunting, 'well that didn't answer my question,' she thought sharply to herself, but knew better than to push it further.
Remus moved around and sat in the chair opposite hers, 'he isn't going to give up is he,' she sighed again and folded the paper up and placed it on the table beside her.
"Minerva, you need to stop living in the past, what happen has happened, I don't mean you can't be upset or sad, but well it's been 12 years, you should be able to get on with your life." Remus was quite taken aback by his own little outburst and waiting, expecting her to hit him over the head for being so insensitive, start crying or anything except.
Nothing.
She sat there amazed at what he'd said, she hadn't expected him to be so forward about it, "I, I am getting on with my life. I have a job, a good one at that and." she trailed off realising his point.
"You have nothing but a job Min.erva," he caught himself from using the nickname that was still stuck in his mind. "No family, you don't keep in touch with any friends, I bet you don't even do anything outside of school time except remiss about the past." he choose these last words carefully to copy what she had said to him on the first day of the term.
She could feel tears starting to well up in her eyes as she answered, "Of course I have no family, Voldemort took them all, most of my friends are dead or as good as dead, and well I didn't think you'd ever want to keep in touch with me,"
Remus saw the tears starting to build, "What happened to that loose, fun- loving girl I used to know, what happened to the girl I harboured a crush on for so long," He inwardly kicked himself for saying that last part, she didn't need to know that, only something else for her to be sad about.
She blinked slightly taken aback, but knowing better than to retort to that comment settled herself in her mind before beginning, 'he had a crush on me, I never knew, no wonder he wouldn't come to the wedding, why didn't he say anything, does he still have those feelings now,' she shook her head at the direction her thoughts were going, "It's not easy to keep up a couldn't care less attitude, when everyone you hold dear has been murdered."
Remus sighed as the tears started to roll down her face, he was secretly glad that she had decided to ignore his little unveiling of feelings, he moved over to her and wrapped his arms around her listening to her sobs.
"First off...Marcus,...then...James...Lily...Peter..then Sirius...was taken into..Askaban...and..you..I..never could..get in touch..with you...i thought...you didn't...want to see...me anymore..well...we'd never been that..close, and Dumbledore.Harry."
Then last part of what she had said seemed to melt into one undisguisable mumble, he hugged her close and whispered quite reassuring words to her.
She soon calmed down, she looked up at Remus through her glassy eyes, "Don't go, promise you won't go, you're the only person I have left." He sighed at her before nodding, how could he say no.
He looked at her and said, "Just answer me one question," she nodded so he continued, "Why can't I call you Min?" he instantly wished he hadn't brought it up, because she shuffled restlessly and her eyes filled once again.
"Because.that's what James used to call me." she said this and buried her head in his shoulder, he rubbed her back gently, and caught sight of the aged headmaster staring knowingly at them, Remus gave him a distressed look and he nodded, Remus knew that he thought she couldn't be with anyone who knew her better. But Remus had his doubts.
As soon as she had calmed down once more he escorted her, red eyed and tousle-haired back to her rooms, where he knew she'd be crying until she fell asleep.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
The following day Minerva set out to find Remus, they needed to talk.
She found him in his office sat behind the desk concentrating very hard on the pile of essays in front of him. She cleared her throat so that he knew she was there. He smiled as he looked up at her.
"Remus, about yesterday," she hesitated slightly, in which he just looked confused as he moved to sit on the desk in front of her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have broken down like that, it's just." she trailed off hoping to stop herself from crying again.
He looked at her and placed his hand over her trembling one, "It's ok" he assured her "you just have to deal with it in your own way, you've been putting it off for so long it's just become a part of you." She sat down on the desk beside him and look straight into his eyes, Remus tried hard to control his pulse which was running away with him, "I know your not as cold and harsh as you lead the students to believe."
She looked down at his hand, which was firmly placed over her own, 'does he still have those feelings for me, I don't think I could confide in him is he did, he's talking as if he'd do something very regrettable,' lost in her own thoughts for a moment, Minerva let her guard down. "Remus, what you said yesterday, was it true, I mean well, did you really have those feelings," she paused hoping she hadn't sounded mean.
Remus looked up and sighed, 'so she was listening,' "Well, I think it was just a case of best friend's older sister, and you were my teacher," he felt his face redden and wished he hadn't have mentioned it, "I mean it didn't feel bad when you were a student teacher 'cos you were just like his sister and that was it, but when you actually became a teacher, it made me feel daft, well you know, it was why I never kept in touch," He had now gone obviously red.
She looked at him and giggled, "oh Remus, you're the only friend I've got left now, lets not spoil the only true friend either of us have left, besides you're the nearest thing to family I have left."
Remus looked at her and smiled, "True, true, I have no other family and well you're the only one left, well apart from Sirius, but that's not a good thing," Remus' eyes looked suddenly sad. "Besides, you do have family,"
She looked at him the smile leaving her tired face, "You're not going to let this drop are you,"
"No," came the curt reply.
"He doesn't even like me, unlike you, now he loves you to bits." She fixed him with her stare.
He gave a small giggle, "Only because I'm not stuck up and harsh,"
She looked at him in mock anger, "Am not," she retorted. Then giggled at the look on his face, "Ok well maybe just a bit,"
He sighed, "You weren't supposed to admit it. Why didn't you take him anyway, surly the fact that you were a witch would have made you a better choice, and the fact that you actually liked the boy."
Minerva let out a breath she hadn't realised that she had been holding. "I would have done, but Albus wouldn't let me, 'I was in no fit state to look after a child' 'The wizarding world is not safe,' and 'I couldn't leave my job at hogwarts' but I wish I had,"
Remus was beside himself with laughter at his friend's impersonation of the ancient headmaster.
She shook her head at his immaturity then spoke up, "Well, I'd better be going, I'm sure the children would love it, if we were caught, alone together in your office at 11 o'clock at night but it would do nothing for my reputation."
Remus just gave her a boyish grin before she exited with a loud tutt.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
Some time later Minerva McGonagall exited the headmaster's office in quit a flap, she hurried her way over to the defence against the dark art's office and went in without knocking.
"Remus, Albus said you had resigned." There was a trace of panic in her voice. He looked up at her with sad eyes and just nodded. "You can't let a scoundrel like Snape scare you away," she was almost in tears now.
"Min, letters will be arriving in the morning from all the angry parents, it's just better for everyone if I go,"
She cringed slightly, never having to personally address his situation, "Not for me," she said weekly.
He looked up at her while placing some of his belongings into a cardboard box, "You still have Harry," She snorted quietly to herself. He looked up, a pleading expression in his eyes, "You've got to tell him, Min, he needs to know, he needs someone, YOU need someone."
The tears started to well up in her eyes again, "It's not that simple, I can't just change."
He asked again this time more forcefully, "Promise me Min, Promise, you'll tell him."
She looked back shaking slightly, "I...I'll tell him when the times right, I promise I'll tell him eventually."
He sighed loudly, 'well at least it's an improvement.' he thought to himself. He sat back at his desk and taking a sheet of an old daily prophet started to wrap up a small mug. Starring up at him from the paper was the sallow, forlorn face of Sirius Black. He looked up at Minerva who was still stood there, "You believe him don't you?" He asked the question almost willing her to say yes.
She looked at him and smiled slightly, a watery smile albeit but a smile non-the less, "Yes," she said in a definite tone, then almost to herself rather than Remus, "James would have wanted me to." With that she left him sitting there packing his things away.
A short time later a certain Harry Potter would be calling in on him.
==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==:==
A/N
Ok thanks for reading let me know what you thought, it doesn't take a moment. And I really appreciate it.