CHAPTER ELEVEN: PAIN
Once again, the club closed before Buffy and Faith were finished dancing. They walked out of the club arm-in-arm, both of them feeling incredibly nervous. The bouncer on the door was somewhat surprised to see that Faith had left with someone that she'd left with twice before. If he hadn't known any better, he would have thought that Faith was starting to settle into a monogamous relationship. There would be many disappointed men (and women) who didn't like the idea of Faith being taken.
Faith had no idea of what to expect. Ever since Buffy had played with the lock of Faith's hair, the brunette Slayer had been slightly off balance and she hated being out of control. As a Slayer, she found that she liked knowing her ground and knowing her opponent, but when Faith was with Buffy, everything that Faith had come to expect as 'normal' had been thrown out the proverbial window.
Buffy was feeling something similar to Faith. There was no control in their relationship, something that she and Angel had been forced to have, ever since the incident with Angelus. Buffy found herself enjoying the unpredictability that came with the emotions that Faith was evoking. Unfortunately, Buffy knew that she would have to leave tomorrow morning, and the reality of the situation was that she may well never see her sister-in-arms again.
The thought of having to leave brought about an uncomfortable feeling of regret. She wasn't entirely sure of how she was meant to tell Faith that she was leaving, but she knew she had to broach the topic carefully.
"I'm leaving tomorrow."
Or not.
Faith stepped back, effectively unlinking their arms. Buffy winced, knowing that as a Slayer, Faith's coming tantrum could be extremely violent.
"Oh I so did not just hear that," Faith said angrily.
"I'm sorry-"
"You're sorry?!" she yelled, not caring about the people who were sleeping in the surrounding houses. "Then what the fuck was tonight about?"
Buffy looked away in shame, not knowing how to answer Faith's question. She didn't like the fact that she had to leave any more than Faith did.
"Answer me dammit! No, fuckit, I don't wanna hear it. Tonight was…incredible and then you gotta go and pull something like this? Do you know how fucking unfair that is? I mean, shit, B, I trusted you. All the goddamn thinking I've been doing over you and it's all just some fucking joke. Oh God…the funniest thing is I've never fucking trusted anyone in my life, ever! Never let anyone in, and now you're telling me you're leaving and I've got no fucking choice whatsoever? You wanna screw me over? Well screw you too! God B, did it even mean anything to you?"
Faith had never thought she'd hear those words coming from her of all people, but she was angry and for the first time in her entire life, her feelings had been hurt.
"Of course it did!" Buffy cried. There were tears running down her cheeks, and she was fighting the urge to sob. "I have no idea what the hell is going on between us, and I know that I've got the suckiest timing on the face of the earth, but it's not like I want to leave! I like you Faith. More than like you. And I don't know what it means, it scares the hell outta me as well, and as much as I'd love to stay and find out what's happening here, I have to go home."
Faith looked at Buffy in shocked silence. She didn't know what to think what to feel. The first person she'd ever made any real sort of connection with was leaving, and Faith was fairly certain there wasn't anything she could do to make Buffy stay.
Faith sighed and felt some of her anger leave her. It was nice to know that the feelings between them hadn't just been some strange hallucination on Faith's side. It was good to know that Buffy was hurting just as much.
"God this sucks," Faith said quietly.
"I really am sorry," Buffy replied.
She now was at a loss for words and stood staring at Faith in hopeless remorse. What could she do? She had to leave but she didn't want to hurt Faith either. She wished there was a solution that avoided any of this but she knew there was only one course of action and she had taken it.
"I'm just…I just don't want you to go," Faith whispered, so low that Buffy could barely hear her. She knew the admission had been incredibly hard for Faith and Buffy's stomach knotted with sadness at forcing the dark haired slayer to be so raw in front of her. It didn't come naturally.
"I know," Buffy said, her voice racked with tension and guilt.
Buffy could say nothing more that would be of any comfort to Faith. She couldn't promise to visit, she couldn't lie to her and tell her they would see each other again, and she couldn't even guarantee that either of them would live long enough for there to be another meeting between them. She knew that this was probably to be their last encounter and the last thing she wanted to do now was raise false hope in the girl and make this process more painful.
Faith did what Buffy had been hoping she wouldn't do. She began to cry.
Tears ran down Faith's cheeks and she struggled to breathe, trying desperately to compose herself. She wasn't a crier! Slayers didn't cry! Well, they probably did, but Faith didn't. She wiped at her tears angrily, hating the unfamiliar wetness on her hand.
Buffy hesitated in her decision but finally stepped forward, reaching a tentative hand towards Faith, touching the girl's shoulder. Faith shrugged her off, not entirely comfortable with accepting any token gestures of sympathy. Buffy tried again, and Faith's silent protests were only half-hearted.
The blonde Slayer pulled Faith into a hug, the brunette girl stiffening for a moment before giving in. They clung to each other tightly, Faith too caught up in her grief to notice that Buffy wasn't flinching out of the stronghold that would have hurt any normal human.
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Faith sat on the couch of the apartment, a book on her lap, but her eyes un-seeing. Joanna was glancing at her every few seconds, wanting to ask her charge what exactly was wrong, but she didn't dare pry. Joanna couldn't work out what had caused the sudden change in Faith, though she would have placed money on it being something to do with Buffy.
Faith absently turned the page, her mind still on the previous evening. She couldn't quite believe that she had broken down so badly the night before, and she was sorely reminded of why she'd never been emotionally attached to anyone before. It hurt too damn much.
The Watcher and Slayer looked up as someone knocked softly at the door. Faith turned to Joanna expectantly, having no intention of moving from her moping place on the couch. Joanna sighed and stood up, and answered the door, not entirely surprised to see the other Slayer standing nervously on the front steps.
"Hey," Buffy greeted quietly. "Is Faith in?"
Joanna nodded and stepped back, motioning Buffy to enter, not giving a verbal invitation even though it was mid-morning and the sun was shining brightly. Buffy entered and dropped her duffle bag by the door.
Faith looked up and was torn between excitement and misery. She stood and faced the small blonde girl, not certain that she wanted another scene like the one from the night before.
"Hey," she greeted casually.
"Hi," Buffy replied.
Faith cast a look to Joanna who took the hint and excused herself, moving into the kitchen to make tea. Buffy moved further into the room, the two girls not entirely sure where they stood with each other.
"So…you're all packed?" Faith asked.
Buffy nodded and shoved her hands into her pockets, not wanting to stand there and fidget nervously in front of Faith. "Yeah, I'm pretty much ready to go. I just, uh…came to say goodbye."
"Right…so…see ya," Faith said nonchalantly. She stepped forward and held her hand out for Buffy to shake.
Buffy was slightly confused, but decided not to question it. She removed her hand from her pocket and shook Faith's hand, surprised by the gentleness of the gesture. For several seconds, the two girls stood, both of them looking at their hands. Almost by silent consent, they looked up, both of them suddenly feeling their hearts beating just a little bit faster.
Faith hesitated for a moment longer before pulling Buffy into a tight hug, Buffy reciprocating, surprised by the tears she found welling in her eyes. The two girls clung to each other as they had done the night before, neither of them wanting to let go.
"Can…can we stay in touch?" Buffy asked quietly.
Faith nodded, and then remembered that they were standing too close for Buffy to be able to appreciate the silent answer. "Yeah."
"You don't hate me, right?"
"Pretty much the opposite," Faith replied.
Buffy sighed with relief and buried her face in the crook of Faith's neck. The blonde Slayer wasn't quite sure where the temptation to kiss Faith's neck came from, but she decided against it, knowing that Faith probably wouldn't appreciate the gesture. Well, the Faith from five nights ago would have appreciated it, but this newer emotionally charged girl would be too confused by it.
Buffy finally pulled back, the two girls hands still touching loosely. Faith stared at her feet and eventually drew her hand away from Buffy's, not wanting this moment to become any more painful than it already was.
The brunette girl coughed uncomfortably and rocked on her heels, wondering what to say. Buffy seemed to be having the same problem. Just as Faith had worked up the nerve to ask for Buffy's phone number, they were interrupted by the sound of Faith's Watcher coughing and entering with a tray of tea.
The two girls shot her identical looks of annoyance, amusing Joanna to no end. They moved to the couch and sat down at the opposite ends of the sofa. Faith cast a sideways glance at Buffy and felt a knot of sadness threaten to overwhelm her. She stood suddenly, Buffy and Joanna both looking at her in shock.
"Bathroom," she muttered, escaping quickly to ensure that neither her Watcher or Buffy noticed the tears in her eyes.
Joanna looked at Buffy and handed her a cup of tea.
"Does she know who you really are?" Joanna asked.
Buffy shook her head. "Not that I know of. If she does she's not letting on."
"Are you planning on telling her?"
"It's not on my to-do list, no," Buffy replied. She looked at Joanna expectantly. "Are you?"
Joanna shook her head. She hadn't told Faith about Buffy for many reasons, and it seemed as though a few more reasons had just been added to that list.
"No. I won't."
"I'm guessing that she doesn't know about the whole Cruciamentum deal?"
"No. And I'm not going to tell her," Joanna answered, her gaze almost challenging Buffy to mention anything to the other Slayer.
Buffy nodded, understanding Joanna's reasons for not wanting to inform the girl of the betrayal that had happened. In some ways, Buffy wished that she didn't know that Giles had injected her with the muscle relaxant, but in other ways, it was good that the burden of the secret wasn't getting in the way of their improving working relationship.
"You're not one of the tight-ass Council members," Buffy observed. "That's definitely a good."
"I don't think Faith would have responded too well to someone who was too strict."
Buffy laughed and shook her head. She heard Faith beginning to walk back to the living room and quickly settled herself onto the couch, tea and a cookie in hand. She flattened her hair and straightened her clothing, an unconscious move that had Joanna biting back a grin.
Faith sat down and looked between Joanna and Buffy, wondering what they'd been talking about. Buffy gave her a small smile, and all of Faith's thoughts flew out the window. She smiled back and Joanna once again excused herself, going up the stairs into her bedroom to give the two girls some privacy.
Faith cleared her throat and shifted on the couch self-consciously. "So…when do you gotta leave?"
Buffy glanced at her watch and sighed. "Pretty much now. My bus to the airport leaves in about five minutes."
Faith felt a sensation that was akin to blind panic, her heart in her throat. There was so much she felt she wanted to say, but couldn't, and knew she shouldn't either. The desire to speak was there, but she sat, opening and closing her mouth unconsciously, words tangled in her head but none emerging from her lips.
"Now? Oh…." That was all Faith could manage. She felt embarrassed in her lack of something better to say. All the things she wanted to express would be far too melodramatic and the last thing she would do was make Buffy uncomfortable.
"So…I guess this is…kinda it?" Buffy sighed softly.
"Kinda."
Faith felt wrecked. She wondered why, in these important, life-altering moments that stuck in your memory forever, you weren't allowed to say that which sprung to mind most forcefully. The laws of communication somehow forbid it, as if articulating your gut feelings was too criminal, too cruel to the other person involved. So she didn't. She let the feelings swell in her chest and sicken her, but she did not let them out.
Buffy moved towards Faith tentatively. Strangely she wanted to touch her once more before she left, thinking maybe she could hold onto that memory all the way home, hold onto it for as long as she could before it faded into nothing.
"Goodbye, Faith." Buffy almost choked on the words.
The blonde slayer managed to grab her dark-haired counterpart moments before her face crumbled into tears. She was glad that Faith could not see her face, and Faith shared her thought. Both girls stood gripping each other tightly, crying silent painful tears onto each others shoulders. Buffy felt Faith's body contort with sound-less sobs against her own, and she, in that instant, truly hated their shared calling which was the main thing that was keeping them apart.
Joanna stood at the bottom of the stairs after having come down from her bedroom. She said nothing. There was sympathy, and also awe as she puzzled over Faith's new foray into what seemed like monogamy. She looked on them for a moment more, and then turned on her heel again and left. She knew there would be time for Faith's grief, for their embrace seemed to tell of Buffy's imminent departure.
Buffy knew it was time to pull away. If they held each other for too much longer they wouldn't let go. And as much as Buffy liked the idea of more Faith huggy goodness, she knew that neither of them needed that now.
"You know, if I'm gonna leave here, we're gonna have to let go," Buffy whispered into Faith's hair.
"So if I didn't let go, you'd kinda be forced to stay, huh?" Faith asked softly.
Buffy couldn't help the small smile that came to her face. She knew there was one last thing that she wanted to say before she pulled away and walked out the door.
"Love you Faith."
Faith felt the entire world freeze. She could have sworn that her heart stopped beating, and that she no longer needed to breath. She'd never heard those words whispered to her by someone who she knew actually meant them. Her heart suddenly sped up, and she knew the reply that she wanted to say.
She'd never said the words to anyone before, never had the emotional connection to say them to anyone. Even to Joanna who had raised her for the last seven years, and Faith admired and liked her in a purely parental respect, but she'd still never breathed those words. Even though it ached to hear the words from the blonde girl when she knew nothing could happen between them, she knew she wouldn't have had Buffy take them back. As much as the words made her ache, it also made her heart soar.
She struggled for the words, a seemingly simple phrase. "Love you." She'd murmured the words against Buffy's neck, but Buffy had heard them and knew that Faith meant them. She smiled and tightened her grip on Faith.
They finally stepped away from each other, tears on their cheeks.
"So…I'll see ya," Faith said, trying to be casual and not burst into a bout of sobs with Buffy standing in front of her.
Buffy nodded and slipped Faith a piece of paper with her phone number on it.
"Call me, okay?" Buffy said quietly, moving towards the door, remembering to pick up her bag before she left. "No matter what time it is…even if it's just to complain about the weather."
Faith looked at the number and slipped it into her pocket, nodding.
Buffy hesitated before bringing her hand up to touch Faith's face gently. She stepped forward and kissed Faith's cheek before quickly stepping back and turning away, not wanting to linger any longer on the doorstep.
Faith watched her walk away, absently touched her cheek where Buffy had kissed her. She wiped away her tears and closed the door, leaning her forehead against the wood, hoping that she would see the blonde girl again, though she knew she probably never would.
Joanna came back down the stairs and walked silently to where Faith had sunk down to her knees, her head in her hands. Joanna knelt beside her and touched Faith's shoulder gently, hoping that the Slayer wouldn't be too shattered by the experience.
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S&K