Look! Questions! *eep*

Mainframe  Wow, nice review, thank you!  I haven't forgotten Glorfindel, don't worry.  He will soon play a much bigger role *snickers to myself evilly*
LaJiggles  ;P
Pulsarkat  Noooooooo! ?  aw, okay . . .;)
Lady of Legolas   Some *deep* symbolism there, hard to explain briefly.  It's to do with the blood of Men being Arwen's bane.

Thanks to everyone else for taking the time to make a remark. :D  And in case you've been waiting for it, this chapter is the unofficial end of 'Dark Memories.'

~kalurien

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Return to Valinor
by DLR 2003

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Chapter Seven

Tirion

Elrond sat at the table and tapped his fingers.  He shifted his position in the chair and crossed his legs.  He bit his lip as he gazed into Idril's garden, totally unaware of the colorful summer flowers.

Culurien looked up and watched him fidget.  He sighed and his eyes strayed back to his correspondence, lying on the table. 

She followed his gaze.  "So, are you going to tell me why Irmo is writing to you?"

The corner of Elrond's lip curled up.  "The truth is that I am not certain myself."  He turned to meet her eyes.  "It is the wish of Irmo that I return to Lórien for further healing.  I was under the impression that the occurrence of this event would be of my time and choosing, not a summons, such as this."

She contemplated him for a moment.  "Would we be allowed to accompany you?"

"Most assuredly," Elrond replied, referring to the parchment.  "He is aware of the children and would not separate us."

Culurien continued to hold him in her gaze.  "Why is it an issue then, if you return now or return in the future?"

Elrond's eyes shifted uncomfortably.  "You know the answer to that, the reason why I shy away.  We both are aware of what this last stage of healing would entail."

She put her hand over his.  "Gil-galad."

"Yes," Elrond whispered.  "And I have no wish to discuss him and his actions in detail with Irmo at this point, no wish to dredge up all those old injuries.  It was difficult enough telling Celebrían a year ago."  His eyes fell on the twins, sleeping curled up together in their nearby cradle.  "I want to concentrate on just being happy, to dwell on naught but our love and our children."

Culurien nodded.  "I understand you, but perhaps it is best to contend with it sooner than later.  After all, the house is not ready as well."  Her eyes became troubled.  "And there is another reason why we should go now."

Elrond looked up.  "You have noticed it then, as I have."

She reached over to stroke the tiny pale cheek, her brow knitted.  "There is something amiss here.  He does not thrive at the same pace as his sister."

"Yes," said Elrond.  "Quiet, almost listless.  Not gaining weight as he should.  I have tried several remedies to no avail; it is beyond my skills I fear."  He sighed.  "It was a complicated delivery, which could be a factor as well."

She agreed.  "He would do well to see Estë.  We should obey the 'summons.'"

Elrond smiled.  "As you wish."  He closed his eyes as anxiety and apprehension began to form a hard knot in his stomach.

                        *          *          *          *          *

Lórien

Estë held the small elfling in her arms and cuddled him to her breast, tickling his chin with her finger.  Elethîr gurgled and cooed, waving his fists in the air.  She looked up at his anxious parents, her eyes sparkling.  "Fret you not; this is an easy problem to correct."

Culurien let out a vast sigh of relief.  "I have been so worried for him."

Estë looked at Elrond.  "He was bluish you say?  For how long a time?"

Elrond reflected.  "Seconds, really.  Less than a minute."

Estë smiled.  "Not long enough for serious damage.  He simply needs a little extra help, yes you do, my sweet," she added, transferring her attention to the babe in her arms.  "Will you trust enough in me to leave him for a few days?"

"Yes certainly," Elrond replied although Culurien made a small noise.  "What of nourishment, will he not need to be fed?"

Estë looked up at her.  "I am able to nourish him, this is not a concern.  Although if you wish it, you may stay here with him and do this yourself."  Her eyes narrowed.  "This may be the best choice, for Elrond will be quite occupied for a while."

Elrond looked up from playing peek-a-boo with his daughter, apprehension in his eyes.  "Now that this issue is settled, I suppose it is time to address that other issue as well."

Estë nodded seriously.  "Irmo awaits thee."

                        *          *          *          *          *

Elrond was frustrated.  "I do not question the need for this visit, only the timing."

Irmo raised an eyebrow.  "The timing is perfect; you would be here because of Elethîr already."

Elrond scowled.  "Yes, and it is my wish to devote the whole of my attention to my son."

"Your son is in good hands, he is fine, I assure you."  Irmo raised his eyes up to look over Elrond's shoulder.  "The time is now, whether you choose to accept it or not."

"Still as argumentative as ever, even with the Valar, Tercáno?" a familiar voice intoned.

Elrond turned and rose at the same time, his eyes widening as his jaw dropped.  He stood open-mouthed for several seconds before he fell to the floor in a dead faint.

                        *          *          *          *          *

He was unsure at what point the dreams ended and his mind became aware of conscious thought.  He had no wish to open his eyes and he firmly resisted every plea, every pull to his shoulder, every voice in his ear.        

He found himself lying in bed facing the wall, his hand reaching out and touching . . . oh no.  Not the wood.  Not the carvings.  This should not be here, why is it here?  He reached a finger out to trail along the wall.  It was surprising really, how clearly he could see it considering that his eyes were tightly closed.

He marveled that the same intricate pattern that he remembered so well could be here in Lórien . . . no, not Lórien, Balar, it was Balar, was it not?  No, perhaps it was Lindon, after all.  The wall seemed to be everywhere, at every turn, surrounding him suddenly, closing in . . . .

                        *          *          *          *          *

Irmo tilted his head.  "Now do you see?"

His companion nodded and closed his eyes.  "Of course I see, have I not relived this very same thing in the Halls of Mandos countless times?"

"Nay, you have not," said Irmo, smiling slightly.  "That was a reinforcement of events long ago, unchangeable things.  This that you see before you is happening now, not a reflection of the past, this is with him still."

"But why?" the elf whispered.  "Why does this remain such a trial to him even after so many years?"

"It has not been," Irmo explained.  "Not to the extent you witness now.  His day to day existence has not been overly affected.  It is only at unguarded moments that he becomes overwhelmed by the memories as you see him there." 

Irmo sat back in his chair.  "Do you still question the need for this confrontation, Ereinion Gil-galad?"

The other shook his head.  "I question it not for my own sake, but for his.  I had hoped he would have left the pain behind by now, that old wounds were best left unopened."

Irmo's grey eyes flickered.  "Elrond has far more need of resolution in this matter than you.  His questions, his fears, his doubts have remained unanswered for more than six millennia."  His eyes hardened.  "I sincerely hope that your tenure with Námo has equipped you to resolve them."

Ereinion lifted his gaze.  "I have made attempts to reach him, many of them.  He resists as you well know."

Irmo smiled grimly.  "This is one reason his family is present as well.  There are other means at our disposal."

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Elrond's eyelids flickered open as he heard a baby cry.  Elanna.  He sat up quickly and turned to see Irmo seated in a chair next to his bed, holding his daughter on his lap.  Elrond's throat tightened and he wordlessly held his arms out for her.  The Vala complied and Elrond hugged her closely to his chest, whispering words of comfort, soothing her cries.

Irmo watched them for a time.  "Worry not, she is fine."

Elrond looked up sharply, his eyes narrowing in disbelief.  "You would use my child to manipulate me?"

Irmo met his cold gaze.  "I would do whatever is required to bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion for all involved.  It was necessary to break through your resistance."

Elrond turned his face away from Irmo.  He did not speak for some time.  "Why did no one tell me about Ereinion?  How could I have been so dense not to realize he would be here in Aman?"

Irmo contemplated him.  "You forget that the problems between you are not common knowledge.  I suspect Ereinion rather made it a point to avoid you as well.  Why did it never occur to you that he would be rehoused by now?  Wishful thinking of which you were not aware, no doubt."

Elrond closed his eyes and gently stroked the back of the little elfling snuggled against his chest.  "What will happen now, then?"

Irmo's eyes twinkled.  "I put both of you into a locked room and you do not come out until you have talked this matter through."

Elrond sighed.  "Talking has been attempted.  It has had very unsatisfactory results in the past."

Irmo nodded.  "I am aware of this, but you fail to take into consideration his years in The Halls of Mandos.  You will find him changed."

"I certainly hope so," Elrond muttered.  "When will this begin?"

"Now," said Irmo, gently taking the infant from him.  "It begins now."

                        *          *          *          *          *

They spent the first hour silently avoiding each other's eyes.  Both were waiting, wanting to speak, but unable to broach the subject, any subject.

Ereinion cleared his throat.  "Shall we discuss the weather?"

"That would be a start," Elrond agreed.

"Well then, is it not lovely this time of year in Lórien?"

Elrond nodded.  "Lórien seems idyllic no matter what the season."

"Indeed," said Ereinion.  Another long silence ensued.  Ereinion coughed again.  "I  . . . ah. . . .heard about the annulment of your marriage, I am sorry."

"That was regrettable," said Elrond.  "It was doomed from the beginning.  She had her secrets, I had mine.  Although very much in love, we were never able to completely confide in each other.  The lack of trust proved to be fatal."  He gave the other elf a cold look.  "Once one's trust has been betrayed, it is difficult to ever trust again."

Ereinion nodded.  "Indeed, this is true."  He ran his fingers through his hair.  "It may surprise you to hear that I am married."

Elrond did indeed look astounded.

"Not only am I married, but I have four children as well."

"Congratulations," Elrond finally managed to say.

Ereinion coughed again.  "Thank you."  Silence reigned once more.

Elrond shifted in his chair uncomfortably and sighed.  "I have spent the last three millennia regretting words left unsaid and now I find my tongue is tied.  I look at you and I am no longer the wisest old elf of Middle-earth, but a hurt, angry child once more."

Ereinion looked up and met his eyes.  "Talk to me about that hurt angry child, I need to know what it was he felt back then, what he is feeling now."

Elrond crossed his arms in front of himself in a protective gesture and closed his eyes.  "It was not your fault that I needed a father so desperately, I realize you were not that much older than I was.  But you were all I had.  My father had abandoned us, my mother was drowned, so I thought, my twin, my soul-mate was separated from me, and then there were the problems at school.  I was completely lost."

He opened his eyes and raised a cold eyebrow.  "You took advantage of this neediness, this insecurity."

Ereinion nodded.  "I admit it, I did, yes.  I argued with myself at the time that you needed love, that I would make you feel loved.  I know now that I was deluding myself, I may have known it then as well, but I let my desire for you convince me otherwise."  He paused.  "You seemed so receptive at first."

Elrond hugged himself tighter and snorted with a grim smile. "That is a thought that has tormented me through the long years, that I actually encouraged you by my initial response.  Certainly it was pleasurable to be touched in that way, I had never felt anything like that before.  The fact remains, though, that I was injured, I could not see.  I had no clue that it was even you the first time.  I thought it was a dream, not real.  The second time . . . ."

Ereinion passed his hand over his face.  "The second time, you enjoyed it as well, you cannot deny this."

"Up to a point, yes, but after that point, the way it ended, well that was just rape, there is no other word for it.  How would I have responded if the circumstances were different, aware that it was you?  Look to my reaction the third time and the fourth and all the times after that.  It was a very unequal situation.  I was not an adult entering into a consensual relationship, I was an orphaned child, alone and lonely, afraid to displease you.  I was not in love with you; I was simply reacting to stimulation."

He paused and scowled.  "And another thing, have you any idea of the physical pain you caused me?  I can recall resisting several times, yet you chose to ignore my struggles.  For Mandos' sake, have you never heard of oil?"

Ereinion blinked.  "I had never felt the need for it, no."

Elrond stared at him.  "Perhaps if you had been on the receiving end, you may have felt differently."

Ereinion shrugged.  "I had my preferences, I am sorry.  Why did you never protest?  I would have accommodated you."

"I had no experience, I was naïve and innocent.  I knew nothing of that activity; you were my introduction and my only example."  His eyes hardened.  "An incredibly poor example at that.  Thank Eru I did not destroy Lindórië's life, subjecting her to my 'lessons' from you as I did."

"Ah yes, you saw her again in Lindon, I heard.  She was fine then?"

"In spite of me, yes.  She was fortunate to find a husband understanding enough to accept her lack of virginity."

Ereinion nodded.  "I was aware at the time, or I should say that Celebrimbor made certain I was aware that this unfortunate circumstance was my responsibility as well."  He paused.  "So you are telling me that our entire time together was unpleasant for you?"

Elrond looked up.  "The brief moments of physical pleasure you gave me pale and are insignificant beside the mental torment I have endured.  When I look back at the nightmares, the insecurities, the complete shame, isolation and loss of self-esteem . . . the total self-loathing I suffered.  For hundreds of years I was unable to become aroused in that manner without experiencing violent nausea . . ." He closed his eyes and rubbed them.  "If it had not been for Glorfindel, I would have surely died."

"Yes," Ereinion said.  "I thank the Valar for providing you with a friend such as Glorfindel; he truly had your best interests at heart and did his utmost to protect you.  The chastisements he inflicted on me were nearly as severe as those of Námo." 

Elrond lifted his eyebrows.  "Glorfindel admonished you?"

Ereinion sighed.  "Constantly.  He came to the conclusion that I had no conscience and appointed himself keeper of that office."

Elrond almost smiled.  "A good judge of character, he is, which is surprising, seeing how little morality he has himself."

"Yes," Ereinion reflected.  "He was so different from you, relishing every aspect life had to offer him." 

Elrond tilted his head.  "Meaning he was a more enthusiastic lover?"

"Well, yes, actually," Ereinion said, reddening.

"And this surprises you?"  Elrond looked at him coldly.  "How many times must I remind you that you took me to your bed against my will, that the only reason I endured it was because you were the king and it was deeply ingrained in me to do your bidding, no matter what?  Glorfindel, although he was underage as well, was experienced, he was not a novice and he entered into the situation willingly."

Ereinion sighed.  "The fact remains that I did not love Glorfindel, I loved you."

Elrond shook his head in disbelief.  "One reason I accepted those advances from you was because I supposed that to be true.  I did not wish to obey, but I complied because Gil-galad the High King loved me.  And I did my best to satisfy you, within my limited means.  Did I ever deny you anything?  Do you have any notion how difficult that was, seeing how I had no desire for you whatever?  I thought I was making a noble sacrifice of my own feelings because you loved me, and me alone.

"Do you realize what a terrible blow that was when I saw you with Glorfindel?  When you told me there had always been others and I knew then that you could not have ever truly loved me?  All the sacrifices I made for you were for naught, it was all a lie."

Elrond stood and began to pace restlessly.  "It was these aspects that hurt so deeply, that you stole from me my innocence and my self esteem for lust and not love.  I trusted in you and you betrayed that trust. I could have possibly forgiven you long ago for inflicting your desires on me, but the betrayal I could not forgive; it has been eating at me for six millennia.

"If I had only punched your teeth out right then, that day I returned from school, it would have made a world of difference.  But I did not, I allowed you to continue and it is myself I am angry at as much as you."

Ereinion sat expressionless and silent through this long discourse.  "A great deal of what you just said was unknown to me, I had no idea you felt this way.  Why did you not say all of this long ago, when we first had a discussion of this type?"

Elrond looked uncomfortable.  "At that time, all that was in my mind was that I wanted to hear an apology from you, an acknowledgment of your misdeeds and you were not willing to give me either, so I did not pursue it, I turned away from you."

"I never fully realized what my misdeeds were until I entered the Halls of Mandos and also to some extent, right here and now with you speaking so frankly."  Ereinion frowned.  "I never apologized to you?"

"Nay," Elrond shook his head.  "Never."

"Hmm . . . I could swear . . ."

Elrond became annoyed.  "I think I would have remembered this, believe me.  You did not.  You made excuses for yourself, but that is all."

Ereinion was dumbfounded.  "All that time back then, all this time now, I wondered why you could never accept my apology and move on."

"Because of the simple fact that you never made one."

He shook his head, unconvinced.  "I know I did . . .  I had to have.  I certainly said it in my mind often enough."

Elrond stared at him in amazement.  "These many years, I have lived under the misconception that you refused to apologize, when you merely just forgot?  I have had this resentment festering inside so long, eating at my very soul for no reason?"

"If an apology was all you truly desired, why then did you not simply ask for one?"

Elrond snorted.  "One should not have to beg for something that should be given freely.  If you were sincerely sorry, it should have been forthcoming."

Ereinion protested.  "Well, as I said-."

Elrond held up his hand.  "Enough along that vein, if you please."  He was quiet for a time, just staring at the elf sitting across from him.  Finally he sighed.  "Well?"

"Well what?" Ereinion asked, mystified.

Elrond closed his eyes and put his head in his hands.

"Oh . . . the apology?"

Elrond looked up and raised an eyebrow.  "If you would be so kind."

Ereinion cleared his throat.  "This will possibly sound very trite and contrived at this point . . ." He sighed.  "Words cannot convey the remorse I feel for forcing my attentions on you, for adding to your pain instead of easing it . . . . . I look back at that monster that I was and I am filled with revulsion by my acts towards you . . .  I cared about my own selfish needs only and thought nothing for yours . . . it was wrong, terribly, terribly wrong and I am so very sorry for the hurt I caused you, truly."  He wiped his sleeve across his face and looked away.

Elrond closed his eyes and let out a long breath.  "Thank you."

"Better belatedly than not at all?"  Ereinion managed to jest through his tears.

Elrond put his face back in his hands and began to laugh quietly.

His cousin smiled and touched his shoulder lightly.  "Do I dare to ask if perhaps a fresh start is possible, here in Aman?"

Elrond looked up and wiped his own eyes.  "I think so, yes.  I would like to try.  All those hundreds of years when I had forgotten everything and we were friends, that is the time I would wish to recapture, the time that was most pleasant.  Oh and thank you, by the way, for saving my life in Mordor."

Ereinion shrugged.  "It was the least I could do after ruining it for you."

Elrond blinked and the corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk.  "Indeed, it was a nice gesture."

"My pleasure," Ereinion said solemnly.  "Feel free to call on me for a self sacrifice at any time."

Elrond started to snicker as Ereinion knocked on the door, summoning Irmo to let them free.

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