The Third Nature -Book One of the Triad
Voyager fantasies by Taya 17 Janeway @ Nimgil
his own fears and doubts
Tuvok was meditating when Chakotay came into the men's living quarters in the Daer-On-Naiad. The stoic Vulcan did not acknowledge the commander's presence, merely continuing to sit cross-legged, index fingers pointed before him, wreathed in a cloud of smoky incense.
Chakotay settled down opposite Tuvok with a barely perceptible sigh, and began to prepare himself for a meditative state as well. The thick fragrance of the incense filled his head, filled his entire being. He was floating, swimming in a miasma of doubt and agony. Closing his eyes, he imagined his mind to be a blank slate, white and unassuming. He cleared his frustrations, his doubts and his problems from his being, sweeping them into corners where he couldn't see them.
"You should not do that."
Chakotay opened his eyes in surprise. Tuvok had broken from his meditative state and was regarding him with the barest of frowns. "I should not do what?" asked Chakotay.
"By merely clearing the problems from your mind, you will allow them to take root in places where you cannot see," the Vulcan explained simply. "Instead, you should detach yourself from your problems and attempt to resolve them when you have the clarity of view."
The living quarters were uncharacteristically silent. In the distance, the slow dripping of the fountain echoed off the stone walls, creating a soft, ambient sound. "Maybe I can't resolve those problems by myself," countered Chakotay.
Tuvok regarded him with a raised eyebrow. "Indeed."
"It's about the captain," said Chakotay without preempt. "She's in torment over our current predicament, and I can't think of any way to help her without causing more pain."
"I assume you are referring to Voyager being stranded in this plane of existence," replied Tuvok.
Chakotay stared at him, stunned. "You know?"
Tuvok stared calmly back at him. "If you recall, I am a touch telepath; it is only logical that being in this plane has heightened my awareness of other's feelings."
"Then I assume you know the kind of pain that Captain Janeway is going through," said Chakotay.
"Your assumption is correct," replied Tuvok.
There was a long pause, during which the laughter of children filtered in through the heavy bronze doors of the living quarters. "Amongst the crew, you've known her for the longest time," said Chakotay finally. "Maybe it's better if you tried to resolve the situation with her."
"Ordinarily, I would agree," said Tuvok. He paused, then gave Chakotay a look laden with meaning. "However, in this instance, I believe that such a course of action would not be appropriate."
Chakotay gazed at the Vulcan intently. "And why the hell not?"
"Because her greatest source of pain is you," said Tuvok bluntly, although Chakotay couldn't help wondering if the Vulcan was deriving some satisfaction from saying so. "Therefore, you are in the best position to alleviate some of that pain."
Damnable Vulcan logic. Tuvok had seen in ten minutes something that Chakotay, in all his days of pondering, had failed to see. Now that he'd said it, the fact seemed blindingly obvious. "Alright, then tell me, Tuvok! What do I have to do to stop her from punishing herself? What do I have to do to convince her that we truly, sincerely won't regret staying in this place, that her decision isn't going to cause us any more suffering?"
Tuvok chose to remain silent, staring at him. In the background, the slow dripping of the fountain continued unabated. The meaning of Tuvok's stillness slowly began to seep into him. Something that only he could do, something that she would only accept from him.
"You're not serious."
Apparently, he was.
Chakotay made an exasperated noise. "Tuvok, that's only going to make things worse. We decided a long time ago that there were lines we shouldn't cross, and now you're asking me to cross them?"
"I did not ask you to do anything, Commander; it is your choice," stated Tuvok simply.
Chakotay paused. "You're right. It is. But.... it's going to reopen a lot of old wounds, Tuvok," he said. For the both of us, he didn't add.
"Considering that Voyager is likely to remain in this plane of existence for a protracted amount of time, the initial ...pain caused by the Joining will surely be outweighed by the long term benefits," said Tuvok.
"Yes. Yes... I suppose you're right," said Chakotay slowly. Their discussion was winding to a close, and suddenly Chakotay felt restless, as if he couldn't sit here waiting any longer; the inaction was killing him. He wanted to go out there, to make a difference, to change things, to shake up the world. "Thank you for your insight, Lieutenant."
Tuvok merely raised an eyebrow to acknowledge Chakotay's thanks, then resumed his meditation as if their conversation had never taken place.
Chakotay got up from the table, surprised at how stiff his legs felt. Have I really been sitting down for that long? he mused. The smell of the incense clung to Chakotay as he walked past the giant bronze doors that swung open at his approach, filling the dim interior of the living quarters with a golden honeyed light. Chakotay stared at the cerulean blue expanse of sky with a renewed sense of purpose—yet a twinging stab of doubt hung in his thoughts.
How was he going to get her to consent to this?