Coming to Terms by katryne
Posting up old fics....
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did, I would've been filthy rich. As it is, I'm dirt poor.
Spoiler info: War Without End, parts 1 and 2; Z'ha'dum; Falling Towards Apotheosis. Ah hell, the whole damn series (whaddya know!).
Pairing: John/Delenn
Summary: Delenn and John deal with his timeflash and her warning as they escape from Centauri Prime.
Angst Alert!
The silence in the shuttle was audibly loud, ironically enough. The only sounds were those from the consoles of the shuttle. It was not a time for words, it was a time for survival. The both of them were very much aware of the fact as they collectively manoeuvred the ship towards escape, and their safety. Yet, underneath the noiseless sound of efficiency, was the underlying pressure of unspoken tension that grew with the outside pressure caused by the atmospheric barrier, which rocked the little shuttle.
As they escaped the atmosphere of Centauri Prime, it was John who spoke first, breaking the silence. His voice carefully nonchalant, he said, "Well, that's all we could do for now. And hope for the best." He gave an uneasy grin at the end of the sentence, but Delenn still remained quiet. In fact, she was concentrating even more on the figures in front of her, doing their own intricate digital dance. Her fingers were just as nimble, but his hand stilled them, while his other hand smoothly turned the controls from manual to autopilot.
She gave a cry, full of repressed fury. "John!"
His voice was calm. "There is nothing else that we can do."
"But what if Londo retracts his promise? What if there are Centauris chasing us anyway? What if--"
"Then we'll deal with that as it comes. There's something that's eating you. What is it?" he asked gently.
Her eyes, which have been looking at him with anger in their depths, was suddenly shuttered and she looked away. She looked defeated. She looked lost. Every line of her figure spelt an indescribable sadness. It frightened him. He had never seen her in such a deep funk ever since Lennier embarked on a Ranger mission in the first years of the Alliance. And even then there was a glimpse of hope. There was no hope here, no light at all. He couldn't bear it.
He took her hand. "Delenn." Her fingers were limp, unresponsive. "Come here." He firmly pulled her from her seat and led her to his chair. The cockpit of the shuttle might be small, but it didn't encourage the kind of close proximity he required now. Still, he would make do. He pulled her to his lap, despite her silent refusal.
She finally relented, but her voice was hard. "This is not the time."
"This is exactly the time," he countered. "As far as I'm concerned, we have all the time in the world. There is nothing else to do but wait. And I think it's time we talk." Gentling his voice, he asked, "What is it, Delenn?"
The gentleness of that devastating question nearly undid her. But she kept her resolve. Her voice faltering a little, she said, "Nothing. It's nothing. I'm sorry if I worried you," with a finality in her tone that considered the matter dropped.
But he heard the catch in her voice, and kept on in that same gentle, understanding tone. "I don't pretend I know your mind, Delenn. But I know you better than anyone else, and I've a feeling that whatever it is you're not saying, it ought to be said a long time ago." Again silence descended, with the digital cacophony supplying the symphony. Stroking the ends of her tied-up hair, he said gently, "Please Delenn. I've waited for so long."
She drew a deep shuddering breath, and looked at his face. His beloved face. Deep into his patient, waiting eyes, willing him to understand without words. But now was the time for words. He was right. How infuriating it was that he was right. She needed to say the words; he needed to hear them. She laid her forehead on his. It was time to share her secret burden. She can't carry it alone anymore, not with the revelation she had tonight.
"Did you remember the time when we sent Babylon 4 back in time?" she asked finally, after a moment's silence. He nodded assent and she continued. "We all had timeflashes at one point or another, when we were in the temporal rift. You, me, Susan, Marcus..." she recited the fact, unnecessary since both of them knew, yet necessary for her to continue. "I told you mine, and you told me yours, just before David was born...." She had that lost faraway look and John suddenly knew where this conversation was heading. Unable to stop her, but unwilling to let her go on like this, he interrupted and shook her out of her reverie. "Delenn, I don't think--"
"Shh...,"she said softly, putting a finger on his lips. "You said it's time to talk," she smiled slightly. "And it's my turn." She took in a deep breath, and settled herself more comfortably on his lap. "The foolish thing was, despite the fact that I myself experienced a timeflash, I never could believe most of what you said. Maybe because in spite of what happened, I refuse to believe the future could be such a terrible place to live in. And it wasn't." Her smile was brighter now, though still slight, as she caressed his face lovingly. "Although I would not call this... experience pleasant by any stretch of imagination."
He smiled more at her brave attempt at humour than at the mild joke itself. He was about to speak again, when she silenced him. Again. She kissed the side of his face and said, "There is 17 years worth of speech inside me. You will have to wait."
"What I never told you, partly because I never really realised it, was that the moment you told me in your farewell message when you left for Z'ha'dum that it was my warning that spurred you, among many other reasons, I began hating myself. I hate myself for warning you, I hate myself for not being able to stop you. That hate grew with my regret until the day you returned and forgave me. That forgiveness went a long way in diminishing that hate, but when I learnt of your... time limit, it came back. With a vengeance.
"You wonder why we never discussed this. But it is difficult to discuss something when everyday you dread turning into that person that you hate. I swore to myself I would never turn into that woman," she said empathetically. "But in the cell, when I saw you from 17 years ago, my heart teared. I saw the man I never thought I'd ever see again. Underneath all the ageing, all the wrinkles, all the ravages of time, I saw the true face of your past again," she said with wonder. "I saw innocence, I saw youth, I saw a man touched by fate but not scarred by it. And in that second, I wanted it all back. So I warned you as you began to leave." She was uncertain on how to continue. "I warned you in that moment of longing and selfishness, I warned you so you will never leave me. It was later, after you really came back to me that I realised it. I became the woman I swore I'd never be." She drew in a shattered breath. "I became the woman who sealed your fate, John."
The tears started in earnest now. She hugged his neck tighter, her tears wetting his collar, but he didn't mind. Not when her salty tears tasted bitter to him. She could only rock her gently, making soothing noises, trying to calm her down, an eerie replay of the Markab incident. If she could be devastated by a loss of a population she barely knew, god only knows what she must be feeling now, trying to cope with a certain loss of someone she knew as well as her heart, maybe better. Not for the first time, John wished fervently that Fate didn't indulge in such cruel manipulations.
But now was not the time. He needed to be strong for her. For them.
"Delenn. Delenn," he said more urgently when her sobs didn't cease. "It's not your fault." He turned her head so his eyes can see her tear-filled ones and said more firmly, "It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is," she sobbed. "Yes, it is." She was trying valiantly to stop crying, but her tears still escaped her tightly closed lids. John's heart wrenched at the sight of her effort, and he tried to soothe her the best he can. Stroking her back, he said quietly, "No one's blaming you for anything. You have been carrying imagined guilt for far too long. Please Delenn," he pleaded. "Let it go."
"I can't?" she gave a teary smile. Somehow, their positions had shifted. Instead of her sitting on his lap, he was now cradling her. Not that they minded. In that painful moment, their closeness was their main source of comfort. Their only source of comfort. And they were hanging on to it tightly.
"You don't understand--"
"Yes, I do."
"I'm the one who started the war!"
"You're the one who stopped it."
"I withheld information."
"You showed the truth."
"I sent you to your death!"
"You're the one who brought me back to life."
There was irrevocable truth in the opposing statements. How ironic the universe can be.
He took hold of her hand and held it, rubbing it, trying to inject some of his warmth into her cold hands.
"Delenn," he urged her to look at him as he rubbed her hand against his cheek. "We both believe in a higher power. You call it the Universe. I call it God. Or Gods," he amended, drawing from her a little smile. "Whichever you prefer."
"But whatever it's called, we both believe nothing happens without good reason. As painful as those events are, they had to happen the way they happened." Delenn started to protest, but he motioned her to listen to him first. "My turn. You spent most of the past years trying to change the revelation; I spent most of it trying to avoid thinking about it." He smiled a little bitter smile. "We're both right. We're both wrong."
He gazed at his wife's beautiful features, and as he traced her browbone, he looked deep into her eyes and said quietly, "It had to happen the way it happened Delenn."
The corners of her mouth lifted, but without humour. "Try telling my heart that." She laid her head on his shoulder and murmured, "I know that. I realise that. Everyday when I fight it off, it looms over me like an overwhelming truth."
"Truths are never easy. Or palatable," he remarked. He ran his hand through her hair. "If I didn't go to Z'ha'dum, the war would never have ended the way it did. The way it should. I would've never met Lorien. And," he gave a small grin. "I'd probably would still be dawdling when it comes to proposing to you." Then he sobered. "The man you married is the man who went to Z'ha'dum, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the dangers, if he thought that's the right thing to do. Don't fight it Delenn, because then you'd be denying who I am. If you won't accept it, then what am I doing spending my life with you?"
The words were harsh, but the meaning wasn't. Delenn sighed, "Fighting off the inevitable can be very tiring indeed."
"Then better for us to make peace with it."
The shuttle was quiet again as they took comfort in each other's presence. Delenn sighed a little. "Well, this has certainly been a night for revelations." She splayed her hand on his chest, seemingly captivated by the wedding ring on her finger. The diamond sparkled like a star, a part of the Universe on her hand. Starstuff. She sat up a little straighter and gazed into the eyes of her beloved husband. And smiled.
"I won't pretend that this matter is resolved, but I won't deny this has been... delayed for far too long. Thank you for helping me as much as you can. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for listening." She hugged him, and as she felt their hearts beating in unison, she whispered, "Help me make peace, John."
"Anytime. Everytime. Delenn, I'm not dealing with this... knowledge as well as I should. We both haven't. We've tried so hard to spare each other pain, it actually became worse. So I propose," he said in his best President of the Interstellar Alliance voice, "we work this out together, agreed?" At her grave nod that couldn't entirely dim the glitter in her eyes, he continued, "And when the time comes, we'll--"
"Be ready for it. As we could ever be." She kissed him softly. "Thank you."
He nodded with a smile and they both quietly contemplated the stars beyond them. A moment later, a light blinked on the console and a digital voice filled the silence. "Audio transmission received, audio transmission received, audio--"
Even as her fingers tightened on his neck in apprehension, he interrupted the audio blare. "Play transmission."
"This is the Dreamcatcher of the White Star Fleet to Centauri shuttle. Please identify yourself. This is--"
"This is Centauri shuttle to the Dreamcatcher. Sure are glad to see you," John replied smoothly.
The screen in front of them abruptly flickered, and both of them saw a very worried-looking young woman. "Thank God," she breathed. "You both gave us such a fright."
"And hello to you too, Lieutenant," Delenn said wryly.
The young woman's eyes twinkled as she acknowledged the greeting. "Stand by Centauri shuttle. We're going to bring you in. Hope you didn't get too bored waiting." That was as close as anyone will ever get towards commenting about their... 'position'.
"We had an interesting... discussion."
"I can see that," Lt. Nadia Rahman said with mock-solemnity. But all joking aside, she knew something that had lurked in the shadows for so long was finally out in the air. And she was inexplicably happy for it. Still, getting an explanation from a couple well known for their reticence won't be easy. She sighed inwardly. Nothing of value ever was.
Delenn was still worried like a mother can be. "Is David--"
"Fine. More than fine. And bored to tears. And extremely worried," Nadia remarked with a pointed look. She sobered up quickly. "The Captain would like to have a word with you. Welcome back."
They looked proudly at her. John summed up their feelings. "It's good to be home."
END