chapter forty one: all that you can't leave behind, you take on the journey

Janeway stood in the main infirmary of the Eminent Palace. All around her were the wounded and the dying; the Palace healers were trying their best to save them, but there were so many injuries that even triage became impossible. Janeway wanted to help them, heal them with her own energies, but the healers steadfastly refused to let her drain herself. It made her furious. These were her subjects, but she couldn't save them. As a human being, she felt helpless, as Empress, she felt like she was a failure. Five minutes into my reign and I already have a disaster on my hands. She thought of the legacy of Voyager's maiden voyage and wondered if history was repeating itself.

Janae and Torres bustled around the room giving orders and directions, and nobody questioned them. Watching the two, Janeway wished that she had their energy, their willpower. They should be Empress, not she! She felt so drained, so weighed down. Why?

Myriam entered the room, and she, like Janeway, seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only difference was that, in Janeway's case, it was a reality. Their eyes met, and Janeway realized that Myriam, too had lost someone dear to her. Being sorry wasn't adequate. She reached out and comforted her with a tendril. I'm here.

The ghost of a smile touched Myriam's lips for a brief moment. So am I. She looked out of the window, and added, Your Mate should be here soon.

My mate…? Janeway almost stopped breathing. Chakotay is alive?

"Yes," said Myriam. "Did you not know? The Empress cut them off from the rest of us, but they did not fail."

The world suddenly seemed brighter. "I didn't know."

"You do now," said Myriam, and for the first time in a long time a genuine glint of happiness came into her eyes. "It is over, Kathryn. It is as the Auguries said. House Ashkar and House Maldor are no more. It is time for a new reign, a new beginning. A new Age."

Janeway gazed out of the window, the sun-comprehending glass, and the blue infinity beyond. "There is so much to do."

"Indeed." Myriam reached out to touch her hand. "But we can do them together."

And Janeway thought, Yes. There will always be someone here for me…

The interior of the Palace was a mess. The stench of blood was in the air, and the hovering dust stung his eyes. Chakotay plowed through the fallen bodies of Panizhe troops. He had run through the battlefields, searching for her body, but nothing had turned up. Now he searched the corridors of the Palace, seeking Myriam. Perhaps she would know where Kathryn was.

Depression was already beginning to set in. Maybe he had been wrong into pressing her into this battle, pressing her through the Joining. How was he to continue alone? The thought of the unbearable loneliness in this strange world seemed to be crushing him. He wanted it to. He wanted to be smashed to smithereens, torn to pieces, so that his soul could seek the happy hunting grounds, where she was. He gazed fiercely at the pillars of the corridor he was running down. Fall and crush me! He commanded them. But they remained standing, resolute.

Then he saw Myriam, standing at the end of the corridor, directing the beginnings of the clean-up. She sensed him coming, and smiled slightly as he came running up. He sensed that she was touched by some tragedy, but there was some joy in her countenance as well. Good for her. She had won the war, after all. Now she was Empress.

She laughed, reading his thoughts. "I'm not the Empress, Chakotay."

Chakotay stared at her, not understanding. "No?"

Myriam took his hand, turning away from Tabitha, who was aiding in the cleanup. "I know you feel grief and confusion now. That is the last legacy of Nayrn Maldor. She sought to sow discord in your lives, but she is gone now and her hold on us is gone."  She saw the beginning of comprehension in his eyes. "Kathryn is not dead, Chakotay. She lives, and she wears the Ring of the Eminence."

Alive… Then the rest of her words sank in. "She is the Empress?"

Myriam nodded.

"Where is she now?"

"In the infirmary," she replied, and pointed down the corridor to their right. "That way."

He took off running.

The infirmary was a hub of chaos: medics, Healers and orderlies bustled around, tending to the wounded and saying prayers for the dying. But at the center of that activity was a sudden calm: she was standing, motionless, her tunic ripped and bloodstained. Yet it struck him how regal she looked, dignity perfectly framed as she stood staring at the scenery outside. Light poured in from the brightened skies, and she looked almost surreal, a sketch from a glorious alfresco of days past.

"Kathryn." The words almost didn't make it out of his throat.

She made no movement, and he surmised that she hadn't heard her. He quickly moved across the room, brushing Healers aside, and engulfed her from behind in a hug.

She was startled at first by his hug, but then she settled upon his body with a languid sigh. When she spoke her voice had a distant, airy quality to it. "I though I'd nearly lost you."

"So did I." He pressed his face into her hair. He didn't care that she reeked sharply of blood and sweat; she was his, she was all his. That bright future that they'd envisioned was still there. Nothing had changed.

No, wait—something had changed. She pulled away from his embrace and turned to face him. And then he could see it: that weariness, that worry in her eyes was back again. She had been put in command, this time not of a ship of a few hundred, but of a galaxy of billions. Something turned cold in Chakotay. He was wrong—he had lost her. Lost her to the duties of command once again. History was repeating itself.

He backed away from her slowly. "I understand," he said. "Your duties call, and you can't honor our agreement." He struggled to keep his voice calm. She was not going to blame herself for hurting him. Never. It could be worse, he told himself. At least she's alive. And she knows my true feelings for her. At least we were together, even for such a short period of time.

Her mind reached out for his, frantic. Don't go.

He stopped in his tracks. Kathryn?

Her eyes were unfathomable, deep, mysterious. Yet her voice in his head was plaintive, vulnerable. Stay with me. Don't shut me out again.

I've never shut you out! He protested.

I can't do this alone, Chakotay, I need your support.

He stared at her, trying to search for the hint of untruth his mind was telling him just had to be there. As a friend, or as more?

Her gaze was firm and steady. "We are more than friends, Chakotay. You know that. We are like one." I need you to be here with me, she said. Things have changed. I will never walk away from you again, Chakotay. Will you walk away from me?

"Never." He seized her in another fierce hug, a sudden relief washing through him. Things were not the same anymore; they were new, they were filled with promise, they were filled with hope. "Are you certain about this?"

"I made a mistake once on Voyager, when I decided that you and I could never be more than colleagues. I won't make that mistake again. This time, we're doing things right." She broke from his embrace to gaze at him. "Together."

He smiled. "Together." He took her hand, and the both of them left the infirmary, walking into a world where spring had newly begun.