Chapter 2: Co-Ed Dorms and Why They're Not an Option for Minors

Disclaimer 2: There are real people in this chapter, Schiz, lycanthrope, Carla, Charisma, Meme, Eriks and Q so far. I'm not claiming I got their personalities spot-on or anything like that. But I do have permission to write them. *grins*

Mary Sue was on the point of breaking down in tears and bellowing that she wanted to go home. Nobody, not one single person, had complimented her today. Nobody had asked her how she stayed so skinny, or how she got her hair to shine just so, and nobody had even stared into her eyes, as if trying to fathom the exact colour. This baffled most, as her eyes were apt to change colour with her moods. She suspected they might be a dark and stormy blue at the moment, given her inner turmoil.

And she'd had to queue! Her! Mary Sue! Whoever heard of a Sue stuck in line for seventy-two minutes? She knew exactly how long she waited because there had been nobody to talk to. Well, a geeky type of kid with braces on her teeth behind her had tried to strike up a conversation with her, but she had merely rolled her eyes (icy grey at the time) at her. She was a Sue, not a geek. The two did not mesh. She was destined for conversations with Important People, not some random geek who was queuing up to see the Dorm Supervisor!

Finally she reached the front of the queue. "Hi, I'm Mary Sue," she said in her most chipper voice. "I'm here to find out which dorm I'm in."

"I'm Schiz," the Dorm Supervisor replied in a dreadfully bored tone. "I have got no idea what's wrong with you girls at the moment. Why the heck do you keep turning up in the middle of the school year, going to class and then coming to see me about a dorm room? Do your parents not read the letters that the Admin Department send out? All dorms must be arranged before term starts – whether or not the student is present."

"Oh," Mary Sue replied in a quiet tone. "But Mommy told me I was to go to class, make an entrance, and then I would make a friend, and then by some strange twist of fate that someone would be my dorm mate."

Schiz rolled her eyes. "I'm going to get myself a sign," she decided. "A nice big sign about six feet wide and it will read: If you can't read a letter, you can't have a dorm room. Of course, you girls will keep on turning up, but at least I will have vented my frustration."

"I don't have a room?" Mary Sue's lip began to quiver again.

"Luckily, you do, but we're running out fast. You're in Block D, third floor, room 15."

"Is it a boys dorm?" Mary Sue asked eagerly.

"Mary Sue," Schiz said in a very patient tone. "How old are you?"

"I'm fourteen," she replied with a smile. Finally someone was interested in her! "I'm an Aquarius, and–"

"Fourteen," Schiz interrupted. "In some states you are four years under the age of consent, do you really think we'd let you room with a guy?"

"Well, my cousin, Marietta Suelina – she's part Veela – roomed with Harry Potter," Mary Sue said tentatively.

Schiz sighed. "Mary Sue, have you ever shared a changing room with a boy after Phys Ed?"

"Well, no because that's naughty. They might see me while I was getting changed."

"So, if you were rooming with a boy, you'd never change your clothes again?" Schiz asked. "You girls, you're full of very silly questions. Now go, find your room, go move in, and don't expect anyone to help you. I've fallen over thirteen girls today who were sitting on their boxes and cases waiting for someone to help them."

Sue was getting sick of being told off and condescended to. "Well, I'm different," she sniffed disdainfully.

Schiz gave her a bland smile as she handed over her key.

As is turned out, Mary Sue was not different. She had sat with her bags for well over an hour and was now ready to admit defeat. She sighed and got to her feet.

"Hi, do you need a hand?" came a voice from behind her.

Mary Sue smiled smugly, she hoped Schiz was watching. She turned, then faltered. Whoever this girl was, she wasn't Important.

The girl in question mistook her lack of response not for snobbery, but for shyness. "I'm Charisma, I'm in Block D, on the third floor." She held out her hand.

Mary Sue shook the proffered hand, though with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "I'm Mary Sue."

"Ah, so I did find the right girl. Usually I'm not very generous about helping people move in, especially into my block because the elevator is broken at the moment, but it's starting to get dark and we do have a curfew. And in case you didn't know, if you break the curfew your dorm mate gets in just as much trouble as you do," Charisma replied, grabbing a bag.

"I didn't know that."

"I swear to God the new girls never read the rules," Charisma muttered, grabbing another bag. "Come on, load up," she said impatiently in a louder tone. "Let's do this in one trip."

Mary Sue tentatively hoisted a bag onto her shoulder and nearly collapsed with the effort. Surely her bags shouldn't be so heavy. Daddy had carried them all himself.

"Come on, Mary Sue!" Charisma encouraged cheerfully. "One agonising trip and then you can collapse."

Mary Sue wanted to scream but did not have the energy. The 'one agonising trip' had taken a very long time, Block D was at the very edge of the campus and the third floor was up six flights of stairs, given that it was an old building with high ceilings. Mary Sue felt like death. And Charisma had not stuck around to help her unpack like any good roommate should. She had muttered something about Mrs Madigan's homework and scampered off to the library.

Mary Sue could not face unpacking, it just seemed such a daunting task, and also, she was not sure how much space she would need for all of her pretty clothes, and it seemed a little rude to just move Charisma's stuff out of the drawers without asking. Even if she wasn't an Important Person.

She left her bags on the floor and collapsed on the bed. Only to have to move again two seconds later when her cell phone rang. She picked up. "Hello."

"Darling!" Her mother's voice came clearly over the line.

"Mommy, something's wrong," Mary Sue complained.

"Oh baby-face, what is it?" Her mother sounded very concerned.

"They didn't let me introduce myself!" Sue wailed. "Then a boy gave me the wrong directions to class, then I got held back afterwards, then I had to queue for a dorm room and finally I had to move my stuff in myself. A girl helped me, but she wasn't Important."

"But… but… but!" Mommy Sue floundered. "I sent you to a good school. I have it on good authority that there are thirteen Important People in your class, not to mention a handful of slightly older students and some teachers. Didn't they help you?"

"No." Mary Sue's lip was quivering once more, and her eyes had turned a pale blue.

"Oh, my poor baby. They'll notice you tomorrow, someone as beautiful and perfect as you. And I have some news that will cheer you up. Marietta Suelina is getting married."

"To Harry Potter?" Sue asked.

"No, he's taken up with that Hermione girl. She's just spent a year studying in California, she came back all tanned, tattooed and highlighted hair. But then Marietta met a young man called Draco Malfoy, apparently he's marvellous! He threw over his entire family heritage for the chance to win Marietta's heart."

"That's wonderful!" Sue enthused, imagining the pretty dress she could wear to the wedding.

"So cheer up, Cherub. Good things happen to Sues."

Eventually she said goodbye to her mother and hung up the phone. She flopped back on the bed thankfully, only to be interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Yes?" Mary Sue called hopefully. Maybe this was an Important Person, come to tell her that she should be in a dorm with her – or at least wanting to know a little more about her.

The door opened and a short and not particularly attractive redhead walked in. Mary Sue sighed, yet another Unimportant Person.

"Wow. Another new girl. You know, in September, we had this entire building to ourselves, there was just me, Charisma, Carla, Meme, Q, lycanthrope, Eriks and Schiz. Now we've got new girls coming out of our ears," the girl commented. "I'm Star, by the way."

"Mary Sue," Sue replied faintly. She was very tired, and had not had a decent conversation with anyone of Importance so far.

"Any idea where Charisma went?"

"She said something about the library," Mary Sue replied.

"Ah, Madigan's homework. She reads my mind!" Star said gleefully, and exited the room quickly.

Mary Sue was befuddled. While it was clear that Star was Unimportant, why didn't she want to talk to Sue? Sue didn't want to speak to Star, but as a Less Important Person than herself, why didn't Star at least try to talk to her? What was going wrong? Was she losing her touch?

With that alarming thought, exhaustion washed over her and she fell fast asleep.

Mary Sue was rudely awoken at seven am the next morning by Star invading the room, pouncing on Charisma and pelting her with M&M's. By the time Mary Sue had finished her shower and returned to the room it appeared that almost everyone from her block had invaded her room for a bizarrely-timed pyjama party. She recognised Schiz and Star from the previous day, but the rest of the girls were strangers. All notably Unimportant. They were lined up on both beds, discussing something called 'fangirls'.

"Averman!" Star yelled. "Averman and Luis! It's the only fangirl to be."

"Unless, of course, you're a Bash fangirl!" Schiz replied, eliciting a cheer from the girl beside her.

"Hey, Mary Sue, these are our friends," Charisma said, noticing her. "The Bash fangirls over there are Schiz and lycanthrope, they work together a lot, the noisy one over there is Q, beside her are Meme and Eriks – and Star says you met her yesterday? The tall one next to her is Carla, Star stalks her a lot."

"Hi," Mary Sue replied faintly. "What's a fangirl? Why aren't you all dressed? And did you say stalk?"

"Oh, we don't do classes with you, we're in DUFF," Charisma explained.

"Not as in Duff McKagan," Star added helpfully, her arm around Charisma. "Although some of us are Dufflusters–"

"Amen, baby-snakes," lycanthrope called cheerfully.

"–but that's something entirely different," Star finished.

"DUFF is the Ducks University of Fan Fiction," Schiz explained. "Eriks came up with it. We're spending a term here at Eden Hall, watching the Ducks in their natural habitat. Anyone who rushes at them gets booted off the course, so we try to have a meeting first thing in the morning to get it out of our systems."

"You guys like ducks?" Mary Sue was baffled. "Wouldn't it be easier to find a lake or something rather than a school."

A stunned silence filled the room.

Followed quickly by a cacophony of voices, each explaining to Mary Sue who was the cutest/most attractive/funniest of the Ducks.

"Averman!"

"But Adam's so tormented!"

"Luis is a hottie!"

"Bash slash rules!"

"I AM DAVE KARP RULAR OF JELLO-VILLE! MERE MORTALS SHOULD BOW BEFORE ME!"

Once more silence reigned, as Q took a deep breath, ready to start up again. Q shut her mouth again. "Excuse me, I must obnibla," she said quietly. She let herself out of the room, seconds later Q's voice, filtered through the walls, was still audible to all and sundry.

Mary Sue shook her head in confusion. She turned to Schiz. "Aren't you my Dorm Supervisor?"

"Sort of. We all do a bit of work around the school to prove we're not just here to oggle the Ducks. Star and Charisma do the website, Carla and Eriks help in the office, lycanthrope got stuck being a gym assistant – and consequently smells like sweaty feet…" lycanthrope at this point dug Schiz in the ribs. "Meme and Q are stuck doing office runs, which is the suckiest job of all because mostly you're running from one department to another searching for a bit of paper, or a student or looking for a new photocopier cartridge, but has the highest potential for a Duck sighting," Schiz explained.

"And the Ducks," said Eriks, leaning forward and picking up a scrapbook from Charisma's night table, "are these people." She opened up the scrapbook and began pointing out the various Ducks.

Mary Sue recognised three of them from her classes yesterday. One was the boy who walked straight past her, ignoring her smile, the other two were the boys who gave her bad directions to Biology. They were all notably Important People.

"That's Adam Banks," Eriks began pointing out a boy with brown hair. "He's–"

"A big-nosed ponce with silly hair," Star said quickly.

Eriks and Meme glared at Star. "That would be a flame, Star. We've discussed this," said Eriks.

"Today the part of Star's conscience will be played by…" lycanthrope did a drumroll on her legs. "Eriks-lil-rocker, ladies and gents."

Eriks took a small bow and Star sighed. "He's probably a very nice boy. He isn't very attractive to the likes of me though."

Mary Sue privately thought that Adam Banks was lucky on that count and pitied whichever of them was Averman.

"Adam's the star player," Meme said, drawing Sue's attention back to the scrapbook.

"Biggest attention seeker," Charisma translated.

"Charisma!" Meme glared. "You're encouraging Star now!"

And this was true. Star opened her mouth to say something even more cutting, but Carla instantly slapped her hand over it.

"Yuck!" Carla gave Star a disgusted look. "Your wife licked me!" She told Charisma.

"Stop!" Schiz yelled. "Star, Charisma, your hatred of Adam Banks has been duly noted, now shut up so we can continue."

Eventually, the bickering died down and Eriks was able to point out all of the various Ducks and list their fangirls. Mary Sue realised that yesterday she had met Fulton and Portman (known as the Bash Brothers) and Charlie had been the one who walked straight past her. Sue memorised whatever details the girls told her about these hockey players, for future reference. Armed with this knowledge, she would do better today. She knew the names of all the Important People, and more importantly, she knew about their lives too. This was surely a good sign. Today would be a good day.

Thanks to:

lycanthrope:The Gilby thing in chapter 1, while filming the part in Estranged where Slash floats down the strip doing his solo, Gilby was not far along the road in a biker bar and some guy scouted him saying 'you'd be great as an extra in the Guns n' Roses video' and Gilby was like 'you know, I think I've already been asked about that'. *grins* Another reason why we love Gilby. Your email is half done, I had a very long story to tell.

Eriks:Thanks for allowing me to mention DUFF.

Meme:You know what's really scary? That you guys are picking up on my Gn'R obsession and can spot it instantly!

Charisma:We can get married as many times as you want. Death to Mary Sue!

Kat:Glad you enjoyed, thanks for the feedback.

Kristine:Here's the next part! No need to Mary Sue at me. And the third chapter is half written too. I wonder if the author of the fic that inspired this will sue me for plagiarism?

anne918:I'm glad you enjoyed it. Who doesn't love poking fun at Mary Sues?

Carla:*big hug* So glad to see you here with your own account. You're one of the cool kids now.