Leaving LA or another green ramble
First of all let me say that it wasn't my intention for things to end up the way they did, I had planned to stay right where I was lovin' the whole bright lights big city deal in LA. But if I learned one thing from my psychopathic family it was gift horses are gift horses even if they're blind, three-legged and are likely to dump you in the nearest ditch at a moments notice. So when the little filly came neighing on my doorstep I didn't go anywhere near it's mouth.
I'd been staying here and there, well you know how it goes right - new dimension new experiences... Sweetie don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm fundamentally opposed to monogamy, but I have a few decisions to make before that could ever be an option. Anyhoo, when the gee gee arrived I was shacked up with a Hatthra demon in Pasadena - excuse me gift horses again! And the smell really does fade after about a week or so.
So I wake up one morning in early July absolutely convinced that at some point during the night I'd been bitten by some vamp with a demon fetish - such was my aversion to the sunlight streaking through the gaps in the curtains. But as I didn't burst into flames I figured it must all be down to the lethal mix of alcohol, firewarer and a rather interesting herbal substance... What can I say you're not the one sleeping with a Hatthra demon are ya? Right well I'm just beginning to reach a state that vaguely resembles consciousness and Sammy's still comatose. Here's a tip; NEVER, EVER, EVER wake a Hatthra, not if you enjoy your head being attached to your neck! They're REAL cranky first thing. It's just lucky for me I can survive with my head severed from my body, 'cause even though Sammy was real apologetic it was still almost a week before it got re-attached.
Sorry I do tend to meander a bit don't I... Yeah well after the severed head incident there was no way I was going to wake Sammy to answer the hammering that actually turned out not to be my head but someone thumping on the front door. After a short stop in the bathroom to puke my guts up, I made it down the stairs - which I swear really were moving - and opened the door.
"Lorne... Sweetheart, oh am I glad to see you... It's been way tooooo long honey..."
I should point out that Ria is still talking as I'm telling you this but as her chatter is about 2000 times more inane than even mine I figured you'd appreciate an edited version of what she said. Ria's part Trimetheon, part Hatthra and claims that her mom was half-human, I can't see it myself but hey... So Ria's still moaning on about nothing and knowing that I've got no chance in hell of getting rid of her I headed into the kitchen with her following behind.
"So baby, how're you and how's my cuz?" Oh yeah, Sammy is Ria's cousin...
"Sammy's Sam, and me well still a bit blue but ya know..." I was still feeling all depressed about the club getting wrecked. Especially as my insurance agent had just taken a one way trip to an unknown Caribbean Island with a new boyfriend and a huge stash of my money, so rebuilding was not really an option for a while at least.
Ria was nodding enthusiastically. "Well that's really why I'm here Lorne honey. I got an offer for ya!"
Ok so here's the deal, I'd been in LA for about a year and a half and that had given me plenty of time to realise that Ria's offers usually had only one result - pain, lots of it and undoubtedly all mine. Oh and before you ask no, not my scene. Still the few masochistic tendencies I did have had to hear her out.
"Well I'll listen but I'm promising nothing Ria ok" I gave her my best 'there's about as much chance of me agreeing as there is of pig's flying - well in this dimension anyway' voice. (I'm told there are a couple of dimensions at least where pigs fly rather expertly). And as I braced myself for what promised to be another hair-brained scheme I tried to get my own brain to focus on the normally simple task of making coffee.
She was dancing around the kitchen excitedly as she spoke which was starting to make me feel seasick. "Well I was over at Marty and Paul's last night and they were telling me how Dee's been doing in Spain... So it seems she wants to head off to India for a month or two on some kind of personal retreat bullshit and so I asked what she planned to do with Athena's while she was gone... cause July and August are the busiest time over there and so it seems stupid to close when..."
By now the whole thing was starting to blur for me, Ria's voice and the hissy plopping of the coffee machine were acting like wooden mallets smashing into my skull... Finally the machine at least stopped and I was able to restore my almost depleted caffeine levels. It meant I could muster the energy to try and work out what the hell she was actually offering me.
So to mould her ramblings into something rather less than the FULL 20 minutes she took to tell me, the gist seemed to be that the two of us should head out to Magaluf and run Athena's (a rather interesting nightclub) while Dee found herself, spiritually speaking that is, in India.
I stood waiting to hear the catch... The club was owned by seven foot tall Rathos demon with a liking for green ass perhaps... (If you're wondering why that's bad you've obviously never met a Rathos.) Or Dee owed the local mafia a few hundred thousand and in her absence they'd take the money in the form of horns and green fingers... (Go on laugh it up - I know you're dying to.) But actually the whole thing seemed perfectly legit and I now refer you back to my original statement about gift horses and their mouths. Ria had spoken to Dee who was willing to pay us both VERY well, as the club made more money in July and August than the rest of the year put together and as annoying as Ria could be she knew the club business as well as I did and didn't mind working her ass off.
There was one little flaw in her suggestion though... "Ria this all sounds great but how the hell do the two of us get to Mallorca looking like this?" I was gesturing at both my emerald skin tint and the horns and her bright blue skin and of course the scaly ridge that runs from the base of her neck to her ass.
Ria had that 'oh please like I haven't already thought of that' look on her face...
"Oh please like I haven't already thought of that..." (Told ya!)
"I spoke to Sal and he gave me this..." She held up a small vial that in my opinion could hold nothing but trouble.
"A spell Ria you know how I feel about spells, there's just all the karma and the consequences and the... Oh god it just isn't worth it."
She was still bouncing like a really disturbing blue bouncy thing. "This is one of Sal's Lorne so you know we can trust it... It's just a glamour spell is all, it will make us look like this..."
She reached in the other pocket and pulled out two passports with photos of acceptably attractive humans, one male, one female. She continued bouncing, like the ball above the words on my first video Karaoke machine... The one that just got wrecked had been one of the new kind that wiped over them highlighter style.
"So we use the glamour to get us to Spain and then have a summer of fun and frolics in Magaluf, come on Lorne, there's a plane leaving tonight and we can be sunning ourselves and recovering from the hangover by tomorrow!"
I had to admit it it was a mighty tempting offer and the cash Dee was offering would go some way to paying for the Caritas damage... Also although Magaluf wasn't exactly Monte Carlo it had a reputation for being wild and weird in the summer especially - two things essential in a destination in my humble opinion.
I smiled as I took the last swig from my coffee cup and had another look at the passport photo, there was one final thing I needed to sort out after my previous experience with Ria and glamour spells...
"Ok Ria I'm in... But this time I get to be the guy."
First of all let me say that it wasn't my intention for things to end up the way they did, I had planned to stay right where I was lovin' the whole bright lights big city deal in LA. But if I learned one thing from my psychopathic family it was gift horses are gift horses even if they're blind, three-legged and are likely to dump you in the nearest ditch at a moments notice. So when the little filly came neighing on my doorstep I didn't go anywhere near it's mouth.
I'd been staying here and there, well you know how it goes right - new dimension new experiences... Sweetie don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm fundamentally opposed to monogamy, but I have a few decisions to make before that could ever be an option. Anyhoo, when the gee gee arrived I was shacked up with a Hatthra demon in Pasadena - excuse me gift horses again! And the smell really does fade after about a week or so.
So I wake up one morning in early July absolutely convinced that at some point during the night I'd been bitten by some vamp with a demon fetish - such was my aversion to the sunlight streaking through the gaps in the curtains. But as I didn't burst into flames I figured it must all be down to the lethal mix of alcohol, firewarer and a rather interesting herbal substance... What can I say you're not the one sleeping with a Hatthra demon are ya? Right well I'm just beginning to reach a state that vaguely resembles consciousness and Sammy's still comatose. Here's a tip; NEVER, EVER, EVER wake a Hatthra, not if you enjoy your head being attached to your neck! They're REAL cranky first thing. It's just lucky for me I can survive with my head severed from my body, 'cause even though Sammy was real apologetic it was still almost a week before it got re-attached.
Sorry I do tend to meander a bit don't I... Yeah well after the severed head incident there was no way I was going to wake Sammy to answer the hammering that actually turned out not to be my head but someone thumping on the front door. After a short stop in the bathroom to puke my guts up, I made it down the stairs - which I swear really were moving - and opened the door.
"Lorne... Sweetheart, oh am I glad to see you... It's been way tooooo long honey..."
I should point out that Ria is still talking as I'm telling you this but as her chatter is about 2000 times more inane than even mine I figured you'd appreciate an edited version of what she said. Ria's part Trimetheon, part Hatthra and claims that her mom was half-human, I can't see it myself but hey... So Ria's still moaning on about nothing and knowing that I've got no chance in hell of getting rid of her I headed into the kitchen with her following behind.
"So baby, how're you and how's my cuz?" Oh yeah, Sammy is Ria's cousin...
"Sammy's Sam, and me well still a bit blue but ya know..." I was still feeling all depressed about the club getting wrecked. Especially as my insurance agent had just taken a one way trip to an unknown Caribbean Island with a new boyfriend and a huge stash of my money, so rebuilding was not really an option for a while at least.
Ria was nodding enthusiastically. "Well that's really why I'm here Lorne honey. I got an offer for ya!"
Ok so here's the deal, I'd been in LA for about a year and a half and that had given me plenty of time to realise that Ria's offers usually had only one result - pain, lots of it and undoubtedly all mine. Oh and before you ask no, not my scene. Still the few masochistic tendencies I did have had to hear her out.
"Well I'll listen but I'm promising nothing Ria ok" I gave her my best 'there's about as much chance of me agreeing as there is of pig's flying - well in this dimension anyway' voice. (I'm told there are a couple of dimensions at least where pigs fly rather expertly). And as I braced myself for what promised to be another hair-brained scheme I tried to get my own brain to focus on the normally simple task of making coffee.
She was dancing around the kitchen excitedly as she spoke which was starting to make me feel seasick. "Well I was over at Marty and Paul's last night and they were telling me how Dee's been doing in Spain... So it seems she wants to head off to India for a month or two on some kind of personal retreat bullshit and so I asked what she planned to do with Athena's while she was gone... cause July and August are the busiest time over there and so it seems stupid to close when..."
By now the whole thing was starting to blur for me, Ria's voice and the hissy plopping of the coffee machine were acting like wooden mallets smashing into my skull... Finally the machine at least stopped and I was able to restore my almost depleted caffeine levels. It meant I could muster the energy to try and work out what the hell she was actually offering me.
So to mould her ramblings into something rather less than the FULL 20 minutes she took to tell me, the gist seemed to be that the two of us should head out to Magaluf and run Athena's (a rather interesting nightclub) while Dee found herself, spiritually speaking that is, in India.
I stood waiting to hear the catch... The club was owned by seven foot tall Rathos demon with a liking for green ass perhaps... (If you're wondering why that's bad you've obviously never met a Rathos.) Or Dee owed the local mafia a few hundred thousand and in her absence they'd take the money in the form of horns and green fingers... (Go on laugh it up - I know you're dying to.) But actually the whole thing seemed perfectly legit and I now refer you back to my original statement about gift horses and their mouths. Ria had spoken to Dee who was willing to pay us both VERY well, as the club made more money in July and August than the rest of the year put together and as annoying as Ria could be she knew the club business as well as I did and didn't mind working her ass off.
There was one little flaw in her suggestion though... "Ria this all sounds great but how the hell do the two of us get to Mallorca looking like this?" I was gesturing at both my emerald skin tint and the horns and her bright blue skin and of course the scaly ridge that runs from the base of her neck to her ass.
Ria had that 'oh please like I haven't already thought of that' look on her face...
"Oh please like I haven't already thought of that..." (Told ya!)
"I spoke to Sal and he gave me this..." She held up a small vial that in my opinion could hold nothing but trouble.
"A spell Ria you know how I feel about spells, there's just all the karma and the consequences and the... Oh god it just isn't worth it."
She was still bouncing like a really disturbing blue bouncy thing. "This is one of Sal's Lorne so you know we can trust it... It's just a glamour spell is all, it will make us look like this..."
She reached in the other pocket and pulled out two passports with photos of acceptably attractive humans, one male, one female. She continued bouncing, like the ball above the words on my first video Karaoke machine... The one that just got wrecked had been one of the new kind that wiped over them highlighter style.
"So we use the glamour to get us to Spain and then have a summer of fun and frolics in Magaluf, come on Lorne, there's a plane leaving tonight and we can be sunning ourselves and recovering from the hangover by tomorrow!"
I had to admit it it was a mighty tempting offer and the cash Dee was offering would go some way to paying for the Caritas damage... Also although Magaluf wasn't exactly Monte Carlo it had a reputation for being wild and weird in the summer especially - two things essential in a destination in my humble opinion.
I smiled as I took the last swig from my coffee cup and had another look at the passport photo, there was one final thing I needed to sort out after my previous experience with Ria and glamour spells...
"Ok Ria I'm in... But this time I get to be the guy."