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Two
All my earthly desires I had are fullfilled in heaven. I suppose that is why it's called heaven. When I came, I was met by unfamiliar faces, but little by little, I made my way around. I finally met my grandmother after days of searching for someone who could provide comfort, familiarity. She told me she had watched me since the day I was born until my death. She said that while she would have done anything so that I could live, but she could not help but feel happy to finally meet me.
My heaven is a reflection of my life on earth, with adjustments to fit my desires. My home is Monica's apartment. Just like it had been on earth, my old apartment that I shared with my best friend Joey was across the hall. Of course it wasn't the same. Far from it. I've never known these rooms to be empty. I sometimes wonder if I should start over and create something that would be less painful for me, but I can't give it up. I can only wander my streets filled with people I don't know. My friends still on earth.
After moving in with my girlfriend, I had dreams of our future. I wanted a family and a future with her. I wanted us to have children and maybe move into a real house in the suburbs.
But everything is empty. In heaven, all one has to do is to know what they want, and it will be there. I know what I want, but it's the one thing I can't have. I want my life.
In a way, I was not surprised by my friends's reactions to my death. I think I was so shocked to finally realize that I was no longer one of the living, I had no room for any other emotions. After I had gotten over the initial shock, I started watching my friends. And that is where I realized that while it was over for me, it was only the beginning for them. The waiting room in the hospital was lit by flourescent lights. The brightness bounced off the linoleum and created harsh glares. Ross squinted as he looked over at his sister, my girlfriend, Monica. She sat there, motionless. I could have read her thoughts, but it seemed wrong for me to invade something so private. Instead, I gazed down upon her beautiful face. I hated myself for being the reason for the pain in her eyes.
One of my other best friends and former roommate, Joey, rushed in through the doors, stopping when he saw them. He didn't say a word, but sat down, a grim expression on his face. He was followed by Phoebe, carrying her guitar case, having stopped in the middle of a song in Central Perk to come.
The four of the sat there silently, Ross trying to give an iota of comfor to his sister. "Monica," he said gently, resting a hand on her back. She stared straight ahead, seemingly unaware of her brother's hand trying to give her comfort.
"Monica, say something," Ross pleaded. Monica blinked once. "Please, Ross... Don't..." she whispered, her voice barely trembling. Ross pulled his hand away looking up desperately at Joey and Phoebe. Phoebe took the chair on the other side of Monica while Joey remained standing, staring uncomfortably at the scene.
I'd never seen Joey put in a situation like this, and it was obvious he was at a loss of words or actions. The four of them remained there with barely any movements, each stuck in his or her own thoughts.
"Hey..."
The four looked up and relief washed over their faces as they saw Rachel slowly walking towards them, her clothes and hair slightly disheveled, but otherwise fine.
"Rachel!" Phoebe gasped. She crossed the distance in less than two seconds and gingerly wrapped her arms around her friend, afraid to hurt her. Rachel smiled and hugged her friend tightly. She looked over her shoulder at Joey who was standing two feet away and reached for him. The three of them stood there for a few minutes before reluctantly breaking apart.
Rachel looked down at Monica. She slowly bent down to clasp her hands and pull her up.
"Chandler." I felt like I was dying all over again when I heard the pain, the devestation in her voice.
"Oh Monica," Rachel whispered, throwing her arms around her best friend. Monica buried her head in Rachel's shoulder, finally letting out the sob she was holding in.
"No! No, please no!" she cried. She unclenched her arms and sank down to the floor. Ross caught her before she fell on her knees, holding her to him as she sobbed into her hands.
Monica, I thought. Please don't cry. Baby, please don't cry.
They made their way back home slowly. Ross and Phoebe had agreed to stay with Monica in her apartment so she wouldn't be alone. Rachel and Joey returned to their apartment and she slowly made her way to her room, which used to be mine before I moved across the hall.
"You going to be okay?" Joey asked. Rachel nodded, "I just need some rest. Joey, please do me a favor?"
"Yeah, sure anything."
"I don't know if I'm going to want to talk about this in the morning. But please make sure Monica doesn't speak to Derek until I've spoken to her first."
Joey nodded and gave her a hug. He went to the refridgerator and pulled out a can of beer as she closed the door to her room.
He sat down on his favorite recliner and gazed at the ceiling. For the first time since I could remember, Joey was lost in his thoughts. As much as I didn't want to invade my friends' privacy, it was too much and I let myself hear his thoughts.
I could feel his fatigue. He and Ross had been strong, a pillar for the three girls to lean on when they could find no other support. Who was I to cause this much pain? How could I let everyone grieve for me? How am I worth it?
This day should have been so different. I should be in bed with Monica and we should have just finished having sex, or just about to. Something, anything. Just to be with Monica.
We all should be stuffed and ten pounds heavier from the delicious feast Monica had prepared. I wanted everyone to open the gifts I had gotten for them this year. Everyone should be in their own rooms sleeping contently, dreaming of whatever it is they love to dream of. Something Christmas-y maybe. Sugar plums or whatever.
But instead, they spent their day at the hospital, eating instant noodles. Now they lay in their beds, Ross on Monica's couch, restless. And doing what? Thinking of me.
Please stop, you guys. I'm not worth it.
Ross turned his head to look at a framed picture sitting on an end table. It was of Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and me at the beach a few years back. He picked it up and stared at the four happy faces, frozen in time.
What I would give to get that moment back.
Ross looked intently at the picture, staring at his sister's happy face. The face of a woman untouched by a huge tragedy. A woman who was not naive or ignorant, but hadn't yet felt the pain of the world yet. Phoebe. She was so happy. Her new age ideals seemed to lead her through life in a haze. Have I penetrated that haze?
My best friend Joey. He had never felt true loss or pain. How could I force him to feel so much at once?
Ross set the picture gently back down. I can't believe you're dead, Chandler. I can't believe my best friend is...
I shut him out. I shut all of them out. Tonight wasn't the night to listen.