.___________________________________
Three
The day after Christmas was a reminder of reality. I watched as each of my friends opened their eyes, trying to cling onto the last remnants of sleep.
Phoebe was up first, slowly walking out of the guestroom and past Ross, making sure not to wake him. Outside, the dawn cast golden rays through the window. It was a beautiful day.
She slowly made a pot of coffee, enough for all five of them. She moved carefully to minimize the noise, but Ross woke anyway. They smiled at eachother, but then quickly looked away, each trying to mask their grief.
"Morning," he said in a quiet voice. Phoebe turned on the coffemaker and looked back, "Morning." The two remained in their spots uncomfortably. Ross slowly got up off the couch and rubbed his eyes.
"I want to talk about this. But at the same time..." Phoebe started, her voice trailing. Ross nodded, got up, and walked to her. "I know. We all feel that way," Ross said, putting an arm around her and giving her a kiss on the top of her head.
"Coffee's ready," Phoebe muttered, pulling away to get mugs. Ross sat down at the table, giving her a grateful smile as she set down a steaming mug in front of him.
A gentle knock came at the door and the two looked up at Joey walked in.
"Didn't you sleep?" Phoebe asked after taking a glance as his appearance. He seemed to have aged within one night. He shook his head and gratefully took a mug of coffee and sat down beside Ross.
"How's Rachel?" Ross asked.
At that moment, she entered the room, her eyes looking even more bloodshot than the rest of the them. Ross got up and gave her a hug. I noticed it was more than just an embrace of consolation. After coming so close to losing some he had cared about so much, Ross was beginning to realize his feelings for this woman had only been dormant; the feelings had never left.
I watched as four of my friends drank their coffee, unable to ingest much else. Even Joey. None of them could think of a thing to say.
What have I done? I thought. How could I have brought so much hurt to all of my friends?
The four of the sat there for twenty minutes before the door to Monica's room finally opened.
I gazed at her as she slowly made her way across the apartment. She had dreamed of me. It was everything I could do to not interfere with her dream. I would speak to her again when she was ready. Instead, I watched, filled with guilt as she slept restlessly, waking up periodically throughout the night. Each time, she looked over at what was my side of the bed, then cried herself to sleep again.
How could I have done that to the woman I love?
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Joey watched as Monica made her way to the kitchen. She waved away a mug of coffee offered to her by Ross.
"Monica...?" Rachel said gently.
"First thing's first," Monica started. Her authoritive tone was forced. She was fighting to keep her tough facade up.
Nothing is wrong until you start facing it. That was what Monica was doing.
"What's first?" asked Joey. Monica took a deep breath.
"I'm going to cook us some breakfast and then, we're going to get the presents done and over with, and then..." her voice faltered, but she regained her composure, "we'll figure it out from there."
The four of them looked at her with worried expressions.
"Mon," Rachel tried again.
"Well," Monica interrupted, "how does eggs sound? Phoebe? Want some oatmeal or something?" She turned and started busying herself before anyone could answer. Ross gently pulled her by her shoulder.
"Don't, you guys, just don't, okay?" she said, pulling sharply away from him. She looked at them, her eyes pleading with them to let her be.
She sighed and turned to the stove. "Ross, why don't you get the presents ready? Keep busy guys. Just keep busy." She paused and gazed at each of them.
"And just don't think."
"This is from Rachel to Ross," Phoebe said, reading the card from a medium sized package. The five of them were sitting around the coffee table. It seemed like a normal situation, but it was the expressions on their faces that gave it away.
Monica kept glancing at the door, as if I'd walk in any moment.
Don't think, she ordered herself. In heaven, I sighed. Why can't you think of me, Monica?
"Thank you, Ross," Rachel said sincerely, "I really love it." Ross nodded, not focusing on any of the activities surrounding him.
Joey looked around, "I think that's it for our presents." They all looked at the final pile of packages on the floor. My gifts.
"Let's do this later," Rachel suggested. Monica set her mouth in a grim line and plucked the first box from the pile. "This is for you," she said, holding it out to Joey.
I watched as he slowly unwrapped the box. I noticed he was struggling to contain unfamiliar emotions. He opened the box.
"Tickets to the Knicks game," he said, showing the others. He sighed, "Three tickets." He bit his lip as he put lid back on the box. He leaned over and put his head in his hands. Phoebe draped her arm around him, rubbing his back slowly.
Monica extended another package to Rachel who took it with trembling hands.
"It's a gift certificate," she said with a small smile. I hadn't wanted to chance it and given her a gift she would return. She looked away as she felt tears welling up.
"Phoebe, Ross," Monica whispered, fighting back her own tears as she handed them their gifts. Phoebe unwrapped her aromatherapy oils as Ross opened his 5 disk DVD set of dinosaur history.
"Wow," Rachel mumured appreciatively. "I know," Ross said.
In heaven, I could feel their gratitude. I only wished I could have been sitting there with them. We all could have been laughing and having the best Christmas ever.
Monica slowly picked up the last gift. It was the smallest one, but it was the one I had spent the most time on. She shouldn't be opening it without me. It would work if I were there... If I were alive...
She slowly untied the ribbon and peeled the tape off. The other watched. It was so quiet, so still, save for the crinkling of the paper.
She revealed the ring box and drew her breath in sharply. The others nodded at her as she looked at them, her tough facade faltering. She opened it slowly and stared hard at the diamond engagement ring sparkling at her.