Also, it's really weird. I do have an explanation.... But I'm not going to give it. I'll just let you read.
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Four
"Monica?" Phoebe said gently, reaching out a hand to steady Monica's trembling one.
The four of them watched her with concern as she gazed at the diamond ring.
Say something, I thought. Say anything.
Monica slowly closed the box with a dull thud and placed it gently on the coffee table at the same time, brushing Phoebe's hand away. She slowly got up and looked around at her closest friends, essentially her family.
Ross stood up but she stepped back before he could give her a hug. Everyone waited tensely to see what Monica would do next. She took a step backwards and pivoted, slowly making her way to her room.
"I can't..." she began, but before she could finish her sentence, a tear fell. She walked into her room and slammed the door before anyone could make another move.
The remaining four started to clean up the wrapping paper and boxes. They each pocketed four remaining packages, Ross taking an extra fifth one. Gifts meant for me that would never be opened.
Ross and Phoebe settled in the kitchen as Joey and Rachel walked out.
"I don't know how to handle this," Rachel said. Joey nodded, "I know. It's..." He drew in his breath sharply as he felt a lump in his throat, unwilling to let Rachel see any weakness.
"I don't know who to blame but myself," Rachel said after a pause. Joey looked at her wide-eyed. Rachel shook her head as if trying to banish her thoughts, "It's true, isn't it? He went up there for Derek and me. If I hadn't asked him to do that, wouldn't he still be here now?"
Rachel didn't care about pride. She let her tears flow.
"You can't say that, Rach. It's not your fault. You couldn't have known," Joey started.
"Of course, but if I hadn't been asked him-" Rachel interrupted, but Joey silenced her. "Stop it, Rach. It was nobody's fault. You needed help. Chandler was your friend. He would have went up there anyway even if you didn't ask."
Rachel looked at him, her eyes wide. "What?" Joey asked.
"You said 'was.' He 'was' my friend," Rachel said slowly, as if it were too hard to say.
Joey sighed and wrapped her in a hug.
"That's all we can say now."
"She's a beautiful woman," my grandmother said.
The two of us were watching Monica as she slowly sank into the bed, pulling the covers up to her nose.
"She's... perfect," I said, wishing I could wrap her in my arms. Comfort her. Anything. She closed her eyes as tears poured forth from behind her closed eyelids. She buried her face in my pillow. Did that help? I wondered.
"I think you need to be alone right now," grandma said. I looked up into blue eyes strikingly similar to mine. "You'll be okay. You need some alone time with her anyway," she continued, nodding towards Monica. I watched as she walked away, towards whatever heaven she had created for herself.
Chandler.
My attention snapped back to Monica. Without even my listening, Monica's thoughts had reached me. Could such a fragile person have such intense thoughts without breaking?
Why? I don't know, Monica. I don't know.
I'm so sorry. I don't know why we were so angry at eachother. It wasn't a big deal that you had to drive to Maine. I don't know why I made such a big deal of it...
I grimaced as I reflected back on that day. But, I thought, it doesn't matter anymore. I could never really be angry at you, Monica.
I don't understand. I'm trying to, but I can't. I need you. I need you to at least hear my thoughts, like you did before. I need you here, with me.
I can hear you, Monica. I really can.
Why did you have to... If one of us had to die, why you? Why can't I be with you now? Why aren't you here, with me? Why? How could I let someone like you slip away from me? Why didn't you fight harder, Chandler? Why couldn't you fight the pain? Couldn't you have held on? For me? Couldn't you have stayed alive for me?
I tried. I tried so hard!
Was I not enough to keep you hanging on to your life? Was I not worth fighting for?
Monica, you were everything to me. Please don't-
I love you so much. I do. I love you...
Exhaustion swept over her and she fell into a restless, dream-filled sleep. I could talk to her in her dreams. But it still was not the right time.
In heaven, my tears fell. On earth, it rained.