It looks like this is going to be a rather long story... When I started I thought I could wrap it up within 10 chapters or so, but I don't see that happening (as of now). Anyway... we'll see. I just hope I don't disappoint you as I continue... =/
Alrighty..thanks again for reading, and please leave a review!
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Five
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stay in the home I've created. To know that on earth, Monica was in the same room I was sitting in here in heaven was too painful. Seeing the whole building empty, devoid of the noise and happy familiarity was too much to bear.
I exited the building and stepped onto the street. It seemed so normal. People going on a stroll, talking, laughing. Could we really all be dead?
"Do you remember me?"
I stopped beside a bench and looked down to see a boy, about twelve years old, with large glasses staring up at me. He was strikingly familiar, but I couldn't place a name to the face.
We stared at eachother a moment longer when it suddenly dawned on me.
"Greg? Greg Hartman?" I asked. The boy grinned.
He was a boy I had been friends with in middle school with all those years ago. I remembered seeing his seat empty one day and the teacher telling us what had happened. He died in a car accident, too. I remembered thinking about what a horrible death it must have been. How horrible it was to lose a friend that way.
Ironic, isn't it?
"I saw you arrive," he said. I looked at him in surprise. "I've watched my family since I arrived. Sometimes I watch you and the other people who were in our class. It's been fun watching you guys grow up," he confessed. I detected a twinge of envy in his voice. I sat down next to this child with an adult's mind.
"I'm sorry you had to come so soon," he said. I shrugged, "I got to live a while..."
"It's not enough, is it? I used to be angry. When I saw all those people who got to live sixty, seventy, eighty or more years, I felt resentful. But what can you do?" HIs question was more of a statement.
"I'm just... This is so surreal. It's like we're alive. Look at us, look at them," I said, surveying the people around us. Greg nodded, "It's just like living, except nothing goes wrong. And we don't get to be with the people we love."
Rachel's heels clicked as she made her way down the hospital corridor. She stopped and entered a room to find Derek sitting in his bed, his bandaged legs covered with the blanket.
"Rachel," he said, surprised, as he looked up. She moved a chair to face him and sat beside his bed.
"Hey. I'm sorry I for taking so long to come visit..." Rachel started, but trailed off, not being able to think of anything else. Derek nodded, "Yeah, I understand."
They sat there, not knowing what to say to eachother. Both growing more uncomfortable as the minutes progressed.
"Look, Rachel, I know this is a really hard time for you... And I'm sorry. And... I just want you to know that I take full responsibility for what happened," he said. Rachel avoided his gaze, "I don't blame you."
Derek sighed and tried to get her to look him in the eye. "I thought I would be able to do it. He looked so tired and..." He drew a deep breath, "I killed him, I know." Rachel sighed, "It's not your fault, it's mine. I asked him to come get us. How could he have died? People like him don't... How could I have come away unscathed while you sit here... If it's anybody's fault-"
"I was driving the car, Rachel. I fell asleep. I did the most horrible thing a person could do. I fell asleep behind the wheel and my friend is dead because of it," Derek said forcefully. Rachel looked at her hands.
They sat in silence again before Rachel finally was able to speak.
"I shouldn't have gone up with you to Maine. I don't know how we even got there. I guess it was just that there was so much going on. This thing with Ross and me, it was just beginning to become too much and I needed to get away. And then you came, and you're such a good person, you really are. I thought I had found someone I could connect with," she confessed. Derek sighed, "I don't know why I thought I could make you forget about Ross. It was obvious you wouldn't. Or couldn't."
Rachel shook her head, "I'm so sorry for having led you on like that. If all of this is anyone's fault, it's mine. More than anyone else's."
"Stop it! Rachel, it was not your fault. I can't talk to you while you're like this. You're not thinking clearly, neither am I. This isn't something we can discuss at this point in time," Derek told her. Rachel nodded and picked up her bag.
"You're right. I should go. I also came to ask if you're going to go to the funeral."
"I think the others would prefer if I didn't," Derek said.
"No, honey, don't say that. Just give it some time. It's in a couple days. I'll come and see you tomorrow." With that, Rachel patted his hand and walked out.
"Do you blame him?"
I had gone back to my apartment after talking to Greg. My grandmother was with me again. It's amazing how close people can get in such a short time, especially after death.
"I... I don't..." I answered, suprising myself. She nodded. A woman with infinite wisdom.
"It's amazing how easy it is to let things go after you're dead. I mean, there's no point in resentment anymore, is there? What's to come of it? It's not like they'd know," she said casually.
"I don't want to let things go. I don't want to hold on to anything, either," I said, beginning to confuse myself. My grandmother smiled, "I know. That's why you don't let everything go."
I looked at her. "Monica?"
She nodded.
"I wish I could help her, somehow," I said.
"You can. But only when she's ready to be helped."
"How do I know when she's ready?
"If you love her that much, you will. When the time comes."
My funeral preparations were taken care of by Ross and Joey. Ross had taken care of everything with amazing efficiency. The coffin, church, graveyard, everything... you name it. Joey had the unwanted task of telling others.
"Will you go?" Joey asked Monica. She closed her eyes and buried her face in her pillow. The bedroom door was closed to block out the noise from the TV, but they could hear it anyway.
"I don't want to," she whispered without lifting her head. Joey pulled a lock of hair away from her face. It was stupid of me, but in heaven, I felt jealousy forming in the pit of my stomach.
"Ross worked so hard though. I think we all need to go. For closure," Joey added hesitantly. Monica lifted her head now, her eyes wide.
She sat up and glared at Joey clearly annoyed. He cringed as she spoke.
"There is no such thing as closure, Joey. Not for people like me. Not in situations like this," she whispered harshly. "Chandler is gone. The man I love is gone and you're all asking me to go to a ceremony where I'm supposed to say good-bye and remove him from my life forever?"
She took a deep breath. Everything she had been holding in from that week was threatening to pour out.
"I thought all of you would understand. You all lost someone too, it's not just me. Why are you all so intent on making me feel better when-" her voice choked. Joey extended an arm to calm her, but she pulled away. She drew in a sharp breath and faced him, unable to stop the torrent of words. She poured out her confession.
"It's not possible! I will never be better. I've died with him. There is no living without him! Don't tell me people move on after loved ones pass away, because I could never move on. Every time I open my eyes in the morning I think about how Chandler doesn't anymore. Every night when I dream, I dream of him. Of him dying and how I never got to say good-bye. Of him being with us, making us laugh, and then of how he will never... never do that anymore. What's the point of my life now? It's so hard just telling myself to breathe. It's so hard to do even that. Everytime I feel my heart beat, I feel as if it would burst. And I wish it would! I wish I had the courage to end my life so I could be with him again. My life revolved around him. It didn't matter where I was, what I was doing, who I was, as long as I made Chandler happy. He was the reason I cared - about everything! But he's not here anymore, is he? There is no life without him! So what do I do now? Why don't you all tell me if you all want me to get over this so much. What am I supposed to do now?"
Joey wrapped his arms around her as she dissolved into tears.
I had never known Joey to have the right things to say. Even in death there are still surprises.
"You go through each day. You lean on your friends for support. Be around people who love you. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, me. You remember Chandler. You think of him everyday, but you don't let the pain kill you. You think of how he still loves you, even in death. Because not even death could keep you two apart. You remember how he loved you more than life itself, and how you love him, too. You take that memory, then you say to yourself, 'What would he want me to do?' And then you do it. If not for you, then for him. Because if you let his death destroy you, then you're doing him the biggest dishonor."
Monica stopped crying, more from shock than comfort. Even Joey seemed a little surprised by his words.
"Chandler brings out the best in all of us."
They sat holding eachother, but thinking of me. I stopped watching. Even in heaven there is guilt. If there were a punishment greater than death, I would have taken it.