Title: Atonement
Rating: PG-13 for references to sexual activity
Epilogue
Feedback: synth3sis@yahoo.co.uk
Notes: This is it, folks. The last part of Atonement. It's long for an epilogue, but oh well. I hope you've enjoyed the ride, and please come back for the sequel, Redemption, when I start it! Thank you for all your reading and reviewing, the support I've had has been great. Special thanks to Ann, The Ice Goddess, for the very neat picture she drew for me and for all her reviews. If you want more Metal Gear Slash, I thoroughly recommend her fic Metal Gear Solid: Elements of Destruction.


Epilogue

The rain poured over New York City and Otacon looked at it from his window, listened to the sound of the raindrops beating on the window. Behind him lay boxes full of Leon's possessions, packed neatly away, waiting for a charity to come and collect them. The mission was over. Leon was dead. Too much had been and gone for Otacon to take in at once.

The scientist held in his hand a single photo, the only picture he had of him and Leon together, taken on a bright sunny day. Looking at it now, everything seemed different, now Otacon knew Leon's secrets. He could only hope Leon was at peace.

The door opened, and Otacon slipped the photo into his inside pocket. That was the only memory he would take with him, the rest could go.

Snake slipped into the silent room shrouded in darkness, and walked over to the window. He gently placed his hands on Otacon's shoulders, and Otacon leaned into Snake's warmth.

"It's time to go, Otacon," he said, "Don't look back."

Otacon nodded, still looking out of the window into the gray day, then he turned around and followed Snake out of the room, locking the door behind him. There could be no turning back. Otacon had chosen to give up this apartment, rather than live with the ghosts that inhabited it these days. He'd been staying with Snake for a while, but he felt he needed some time to think about everything. Snake had given him space, and they'd not spoken of their feelings – there were still so many open wounds that needed to heal.

They walked downstairs to the club in silence, each full of thoughts but unable to speak their minds. Otacon stepped out onto the empty dance floor and looked around, remembering when it was full of vibrant faces and lights. It would be again that night, the lights would shine, the people would dance once more, but Leon would not be among them, and neither would he be. Otacon walked over to the bar, remembering when he'd nervously walked in to ask for directions and bumped into Leon, his papers flying everywhere. He remembered when Leon asked him if he wanted to dance, and had felt their bodies entwining in rhythm, captured in the magic of the music. Had any of it been real, or had it all been an elaborate ploy to capture Otacon by gaining his trust? He closed his eyes and looked down at his feet, and warm hands once again rested on his shoulders. Otacon pulled himself from his reverie and left the keys on the bar, ringing the bell and leaving. He owed nothing, and didn't look back as he left the building; Snake behind him, urging him onward into the future.

The rain touched Otacon's face with a coldness that froze him to the bone. It was a reminder that everything was real, not just a dream… He wanted to wander the streets alone, and felt like asking Snake if he could go home alone, but he knew he wouldn't come to any good wandering the city alone and was grateful for Snake's support. Still, a part of him wanted to run away, to leave, to think for a while, and accept everything that had happened, but he knew there was no time for that; they had to find the rogue Metal Gear and destroy it, no matter how small the odds were of it unleashing a nuclear holocaust, the chance was too great to take.

They got back to Snake's nice new apartment, and Otacon sighed and made for his bedroom. Snake put his hand on Otacon's shoulder to stop him, and turned the scientist around to face him.

"Otacon," he said, "We need to talk."

Otacon's shoulders sagged, the scientist retreating into himself. Snake hated to be doing this to his friend, but the long silences were only serving to make things worse between them. Otacon's pain worsened the more he let it brew inside, and Snake wanted to be there, to share that pain with him. Otacon made his way to the sofa and sat down, while Snake headed to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine to make the evening more relaxed.

"Figured you could do with something to drink," Snake explained, as he brought the bottle and two glasses over and sat across from Otacon. He had considered sitting next to him, but didn't want to unnerve him or push him away. Whatever Otacon chose was up to him, and Snake wasn't going to pressure him in any way.

"I'll pour the wine," Otacon offered, and Snake let his partner do it, to give him something to concentrate on. His trembling hands threatened to spill some of the liquid, but he managed to pour them both a glass without wasting a drop. Otacon took the glass to his lips, and a sip of the alcoholic fluid made him relax a little.

"So… where do we go from here?" Otacon asked, his mind forming plans even as he spoke.

"Mei Ling got in touch yesterday, she wants to help locate the Metal Gear and join our anti-Metal Gear organization, if one's going to exist. She said a few of her team members in the military are interested in joining too. She's spreading the word through the channels, and says she may be able to get us some more support. She even hinted that the U.N. might recognize us, but I don't think that's likely… But the real question is, Otacon, what do you want to do?" Snake asked, taking a gulp of his wine. He hated being delicate about it; had he been alone he would have chosen a few cans of beer, but Otacon got drunk way too easily, and he didn't want him to say or do anything he might regret later.

"Me?" Otacon asked, "I don't really know… Part of me wants to get away from everything for a while and think about everything, but I know that's not possible; Metal Gear could unleash hell on us at any time. It's my duty to…"

"No," Snake stopped him, "It's not your duty to do anything. If you want to leave, Mei Ling and I can handle it."

"I created Metal Gear; I should stop it. I can't keep running away!" Otacon cried, taking a deep sip of his wine. His thoughts were opening up, and once the floodgate opened…

"You have the right to run away. I've chosen this path, but half-heartedness only leads to death. If you choose a path, you must do so with your entire soul, and put all of yourself into it. If you can't do that – if you're not ready for that – you can go, and this door will always be open, should you choose to return," Snake said firmly. If Otacon was to stay, it had to be the right thing for him. No less than one hundred percent commitment would do.

"Then I guess I have to go," Otacon said, uncertainty filling his voice, "But…"

"What?" Snake asked. He had to know the truth, there had to be nothing left unspoken.

"I… I love you, Dave," Otacon whispered, "I just need time to work everything out, to get through the pain of losing Leon… But, what if I go and you get killed? What if I never get the chance to…"

"Stop that," Snake said, and stood up. He sat on the sofa next to Otacon, and put his hand on Otacon's. Otacon's trembling eyes looked at him, and Snake reassured him, "There's nothing you won't get the chance to do. We have tonight together, to do whatever you wish. You call the shots; you tell me when to stop."

Otacon's trembling hand made its way up to Snake's face and stroked a path down it, feeling the unshaven face brush against his hand. Snake's hand moved up to cover his, and they spent long minutes in exploration, moving slowly. Their breaths grew deeper; Otacon felt his mouth brush against Snake's and his lips parted, inviting Otacon in. The first tears began to fall from Otacon's eyes, rolling down his cheeks silently, the beginning of the healing process that he had to undergo.

Snake pulled back, "Hal," he said softly, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"I've never wanted something more," Otacon said through his tears, and as he said it he knew it was true. Snake pulled in close again, and kissed Otacon's tears away, feeling the warm figure below him now…

They pulled at each other's clothing, taking long, slow breaths of suppressed desire. They found themselves naked, moaning quietly as they pressed together, enjoying the friction of their bodies rubbing against each other.

"Hal…" Snake began; worried that Otacon would come to regret what they were doing.

"Shhh," Otacon hushed, and took Snake's lips in his once more as they continued grinding against one another. Time was short, and they wanted to make the most of this night, the first and the last for a long time…

^*^

Snake woke first to feel the gentle figure cradled in his arms. They hadn't gone all the way; they hadn't dared, just in case they never saw each other again. They'd migrated to the bedroom and continued their pleasure to climax, but there'd been no intercourse. Snake feared giving his soul again, even now, even after all that time away from Meryl, the wound from where she had ran away still cut deep. It wasn't that he missed her, or even that he still loved her; he didn't. But the thought of losing Otacon the same way made him cautious.

Otacon stirred in his arms, and Snake gently stroked his hair as he awoke. He knew Otacon would be leaving; he still needed time. Nothing had changed, but he couldn't help wishing that it had. Those who didn't know him well said that he was cold and unfeeling; that was not the case. But he did try to protect himself from harm, and sometimes that meant shutting himself away to avoid pain, in some of the same ways that Otacon did. Knowing Otacon, he knew that he was hurting still, and had to go, in order to return a better man.

Otacon managed a faint smile at Snake, but knew that he had to leave. Snake's face was cold, stony even. He was so far away, even though he was so close. Snake reached for the bedside table where he found his pack of cigarettes and promptly lit one, taking deep puffs of smoke to relax himself. Otacon coughed in complaint, but smiled too at the soldier's habit. Snake stubbornly continued to smoke until Otacon was chased from the bed. He went into the living room and gathered his clothes, dressing quickly. He went to his own room and sighed. He wanted to stay; to spend every day with Snake, but he knew that doing so would only be evading the problems he needed to face, and he knew he wouldn't be able to just forget Leon so easily. Although his heart begged him to stay, he had to go. He started to pack before he lost his nerve; he had to go, now or never.

^*^

Otacon emerged from his room carrying a large rucksack and bumped into Snake who was standing there. Snake held back the urge to take Otacon in his arms and kiss him, knowing it would only make things harder. Otacon put his shoes on, and Snake could only stand there.

"Snake, I'll try not to be too long," Otacon said, and Snake would have chuckled to himself if the circumstances had been different. Otacon made it sound like a shopping trip, but it was far more than that. They didn't know when they would see each other again, or even if they would. Otacon reached for the door, and Snake gave into the urge to hold Otacon close one last time, to kiss him passionately and remember the taste.

"Wait for me," Otacon said, and before Snake could say anything, he was gone, leaving Snake looking at an empty apartment. Snake longed to go after him, but he knew he had a mission ahead of him, and he couldn't run away from it, no matter how much he wanted to.

^*^

Otacon walked for what seemed like miles, not caring where he went or what he did. He found himself at the edge of the road, hitchhiking wherever the wind took him. A different hotel room every night, a different nightmare, a different demon to overcome within himself, but the same longing, every day and night: Snake.

Someday, he would go back, he thought, as he walked into the sunset, listening to the sounds of nature all around him. When the time was right, he would return, to give all his love to Snake.

For now, all that mattered was putting one foot in front of the other on the long journey of life.