Of Hearth and Home

Chapter Sixteen: Pressure

Kurt sat nervous and uncomfortable in his room at his desk. The clock on the computer let him know that Derek's second Danger Room session was about to begin. And he desperately wanted to be there because he understood what it meant to stare down Xavier and the rest of the faculty in defiance from the floor of that room. He understood what to have a friendly face looking back

Unfortunately, the last session left a very bad taste in his mouth. He was so uncomfortable that, the next day – after Derek had finished a weight lifting routine and had a soak in the hot tub, Kurt met him in the locker room.

The memories swam back to Kurt and he crept over the incident in his mind once more.

He had slipped in to the room while his friend was focused on cleaning up his sweaty clothes and wet towel after his work out. When Derek looked up, Kurt was standing there, absolutely motionless save for the idle tossing of his tail, low to the floor and behind him.

"Who taught you to fight?" Kurt asked him softly.

The smile fell from Derek's face and he dropped his head. It seemed that he was looking for a way to answer. But he seemed deeply effected by the question as well.

"They veren't good people, vere they?" The Elf's voice was smooth and low.

Derek shook his head side to side, not wanting to meet Kurt's eyes.

"I don't care." Kurt told him. "I imagine dat it vas a long time ago."

Derek nodded, barely, seemingly lost in thought and still looking away.

"But … it vasnt really fighting, heh?" Kurt pressed him. "It's killing, isn't it?"

Derek's eyes turned hard and angry. He struck his chest with a solid fist and shook his head.

"You wouldn't do it?" Kurt asked.

He shook his head, sadly, and Kurt felt that – perhaps - He had refused to kill until he had no choice.

"But you've been trained. And you think like that now, don't you?"

Derek paused, considering Kurt's words.

"I can see it." He explained. "And if I can see it then others will too, and soon."

Derek's eyes were not searching for answers as they turned on Kurt. They were, instead, flickering with idea's and courses of action.

"I had to say something." Kurt said defensively, his voice shaking. "It's just that … It's dangerous. You need to relearn it, to develop a new first instinct."

Derek seemed to slip out of the ethereal world of idea's and in to the room before Kurt and Kurt shrunk slightly, unintentionally, from his attention.

Derek was shaking his head and had taken Kurt by the shoulders as he faced him. He closed his eyes and took a slow breath. It had a calming influence on both of them.

When he opened his eyes, Derek wore an expression of appreciation and shock mixed with relief. "We speak of things that matter." He said solemnly. "With words that must be said." (1)

Kurt's tension was suddenly obvious as it broke. He exhaled a reserved breath and felt his shoulders slump.

"All things must pass away." (2) Derek assured him. "Goood-bye, Goood-bye!" (3)

"Good." Kurt seemed to whisper, his voice suddenly hoarse.

Derek caught Kurt's eyes. "Thank you, for being a friend." (4)

Kurt swatted at the air between them as he slipped quickly out of the room.

He found Logan leaning comfortably on the far wall of the hallway and obviously ease-dropping.

"Save any lives today Elf?" Wolverine asked with a small, glib smile.

"May-be." Kurt replied with a raise of his eyebrows. "Sure didn't lose anyvone."

Wolverine chuckled softly and watched him stroll happily down the hall and out of sight. So of course Kurt had no idea what happened next.

Kurt came to his senses and shook off the memory. He was going to the danger Room. It was the right thing to do.

But Derek wasn't done discussing life and death that day. Someone else had some snooping left to do – and this was a perfect opportunity.

Logan pushed off the wall and eased through the door that Kurt had just exited.

Jokingly, Derek cast his glance around and jumped like he might run. Then he relaxed, smiled and went back to lacing up his shoes.

Logan smiled. "The kids quick, isn't he?" Logan asked.

Derek smirked and cast a quick glance to the doorway as he understood that Wolverine had been listening in. Then he nodded in agreement. "Whoosh." He grinned.

"I take a lot of pride in being his instructor." Logan told him. "He's a real quick study when it comes to anything physical – Martial arts, weapons, acrobatics." Logan eyed him carefully. "Killing."

Derek felt the word stiffen his back and he turned with a maddening slowness towards Wolverine.

"That's right." Logan said without inflection. "I've taught him everything anyone ever taught me. He hasn't got it all yet, but he's got the basics."

"Tell me why …" (5)

Logan was still appraising him. He could see that he had made him angry. Derek didn't look comfortable being angry. He wore it so openly that he couldn't have much experience with the emotion.

"Why I taught him to kill?" Logan clarified and Derek nodded.

"Honestly?" Logan smirked at himself for trying to make smalltalk with a virtual mute. He sighed internally.

"I thought he might need it." He grimaced. "Not because of the things that happen here as an X-Man … But because of the way he looks." He admitted at last.

Derek looked away, his eyes focused on some imaginary distance as he stared at the floor.

"He was ready too. Ready to learn." Wolverine said, bringing Derek's head up with a snap before Wolverine continued. "He's young enough that he'll develop a whole catalog of skills that will serve him the rest of his life." Logan told him. "And he's old enough to understand that killing is wrong."

Derek relaxed just a little. Logan noticed.

"My view is one of a hunter." He continued. "It's important to understand that some times, it's the sacrifices of others that keep us alive."

Derek didn't relax any more but he did seem to be slightly more at ease with the thought.

"Kurt's the only one here that really understands that. The only one of the kids, anyway."

Derek eyed Logan suddenly, as though a thought had struck him.

"What is it?" Logan eyed him carefully.

Derek swallowed once.

"I know that look." Logan nodded. "You're thinking of one of them. Someone you've killed."

Derek nodded and held up one finger.

"Someone specific?" Logan guessed.

Derek asserted the finger again.

"Only one?" He guessed.

Derek nodded. "End of the innocence." (6) He swallowed again.

Logan nodded in understanding. "I don't like the feeling myself." He replied. "Gut full of guilt from the understanding of what you've done." He made a face and shook it off.

Derek nodded.

"And you didn't want to carry that feeling, did ya?" It was a statement as much as a question.

Derek shook his head.

"I followed you last night." Logan suddenly admitted. "Down to that bar."

Derek smiled slightly but didn't register anything else.

"Those folks really like you." He added. "They were real protective when I asked about you."

Derek's smile took on a deeper warmth.

"And I can respect that. Troublemakers don't last long in a good bar." Wolverine explained. "But I needed to check you out some." He explained. "Because … well, for a lot of reasons."

Derek cast a serious expression as he listened.

"But I think I'm done now." Logan told him. "I mean, I'm not looking anymore. I'm taking you at face value from here on in." Logan extended his hand and Derek took it.

"But people who kill are in short supply here at the mansion." He cautioned. "And I want it understood, just between us, that there's no room for mistakes here. Not that kind of mistake. And if anything happened to these people, I would take it real personal. You understand me?"

Derek shook his hand with a slight smirk on his face.

"What's that smile mean?" Wolverine's eyes narrowed.

He smiled knowingly, letting go of Logan's hand. "Life, I love you." (7) He smiled, clasped Logan on the shoulder, then shook him heartily. "All is groovy." (7) And Derek walked out of the room a happy man.

1) Simon and Garfunkle – The Dangling Conversation

2) George Harrison – All Things Must Pass Away

3) Billy Joel – Stop in Nevada

4) Andrew Gold – Thank You For Being A Friend

5) Hair (musical) – Where Do I Go?

6) Don Henley – End of the Innocence

7) Simon and Garfunkle – The 59th Street Bridge Song