That Umbrella in the Water
Summary: You know the summary, foo'!!!!
Disclaimers: ...
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Don't say it...
Disclaimers: But---
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Don't!!
Disclaimers: I---can't---help it---I OWN THEM!! BWAHAHA!!
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: You sad, sad creature...
Warnings: *I* OWN THEM! ME! ME!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Those aren't warnings?!
~~ Chapter Two ~~
As the Interceptor sailed away, we have a fantastic view of the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow and the umbrella, who is lying on the deck with a loose rope next to it (yes, we can see the umbrella on the deck. The Interceptor has a... uh, low railing).
"That's got to be the best damn pirate/umbrella combo I've ever seen," said the unimportant guy.
"So it would seen," said Norrington with a very I'm-in-a-pissy-mood look on his face.
~~ Interceptor!! Woot woot!!~~
"Yes, yes, Umbrella," Jack was saying, "that's an incredibly amusing life story, to be sure, but your father was a bloody pirate."
Pause. "Yes he was."
Pause. "He was!"
The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow swung one of the sails so the yard caught the umbrella (who was still on the deck... yes) right in the umbrella part of the umbrella and held it over the water. Yes, I am quite competent at umbrella anatomy.
The umbrella dangled from the pole by its handle. Jack wasn't quite sure if it was listening to him or not, but he opted for "yes" and began talking for awhile about the little pirate that can or can't, and how the little pirate wanted to get up the hill but couldn't because he wouldn't believe his dad was a pirate even though it was quite obvious that he WAS... However, Jack's inspirational story was not for naught (not for naught... ) because the fanchildren in the audience were positively melting over his voice. The end.
Well, that was a fun paragraph.
Anyhoo, after the incredibly hot captain felt that the umbrella now fully understood the fact that its father was a pirate, he swung the yard back around and allowed the umbrella to return to its spot on the deck.
"Tortuga," said Captain Jack Sparrow, offering the umbrella a sword.
~~ Toooooooooooortuuuuuuuuuuuuugaaaaaaaaaa ~~
"Tortuga is, basically, the pimp city," Jack was explaining to the umbrella, who, by umbrella-standards, shouldn't have been able to keep up with Jack as he walked, was somehow *magically* always next to the incredibly hot pirate.
"I'll tell ya mate," Jack said to the ever-listening umbrella, "if every city was like this in the world, there'd be a lot more HIV."
As in of on cue (and most likely on cue), a woman who at first glance looks a bit like a transvestite approaches Jack and slaps him.
"So now you're hanging out with umbrellas, is that it?!" the woman/transvestite screamed at poor incredibly hot Jack. Then she turned around and huffily walked away.
"No it's not like that, Scarlet!" Jack said, only to be slapped by another woman who was definitely a woman who had appeared out of nowhere.
"Ow," said the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow, being very witty today.
~~ Pig Man, da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN ~~
A man wearing a pink leotard with "PM" on the front is sleeping amongst a pile of dirty pigs. We see through a conveniently-placed window that a spotlight resembling something of a piggy is being... spotlighted... into the sky. The pig man, named Pig Man, suddenly jumps up and yells "GASP! I must save the day!" before flying out of the conveniently-placed window to presumably go save the day. The pigs follow suit.
The evil Mr. Gibbs then walks in from off-stage eating a jelly donut. "'Ello, Jack," he says to the incredibly hot pirate who has just entered the scene.
"'Ello, Gibbs," says Jack.
~~ In that prostitute-ridden rum-serving tavern ~~
"Keep a sharp umbrella-equivalent-of-an-eye," Jack told the umbrella, before going over and sitting down at a table with the evil Mr. Gibbs. The umbrella remained propped up against a random pole in the middle of the tavern.
Gibbs and the incredibly hot Jack talked for a bit about stuff that really doesn't concern the umbrella until SUDDENLY it concerned the umbrella so then we start hearing about it in detail once more.
"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage, aye?" Jack said. He looked over to where the umbrella was STILL propped up against a random pole in the middle of the tavern, but this time a drunken giraffe wearing lingerie is leaning up against it, cuddling. The umbrella is tilted away from the smelly animal.
"Oh, you mean the umbrella," Gibbs returns, nodding in understanding.
"No, fool, it's the---wait, you're not supposed to pick up on the obvious!"
"That's because I'm not the obvious!" the so-called Gibbs says, unzipping the back of his head and becoming... PIG MAN (da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN)! "Awaaaay!" He flew off.
The real Gibbs came back holding a fresh mug of rum and sat down at the table across from Jack. "Now, what's the nature of this venture your'n?"
Jack pouts.
~~ On the Peeeeeearl: A Quick Summary ~~
"You are eating with the Captain tonight."
"No."
"Yes."
"Okay."
"We are consumed pirates."
"No you're not."
"Yes we are."
Stab.
"Haha, told you."
"Oh no!"
~~ The Tortuga Crew That's as Crazy as Jack but not Nearly as Incredibly Hot ~~
Woo!! I caught the piece of popcorn I dropped before it hit the floor!!! Go me!
~~ On the Interceptor... Again! Woot! ~~
"Aye, but we're not trying to find north, are we?" Gibbs said to the silent umbrella.
"We're not?" asked a crew member wearing an "I Heart North" t-shirt.
~~ Elizabeth is brought to the cave ~~
Yes, yes she is.
~~ On the Interceptor... AGAIN! Woo---nah. ~~
Gibbs proceeded to tell the umbrella, who (quite frankly) couldn't give a damn, about the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow's past, exaggerating just the tiniest bit about the parts when ravenous hyenas tried to steal this hat and when the palm trees killed his only island friend.
"Young Mr. Umbrella and I are to go ashore," Jack informed Gibbs and the umbrella, after wrecking their tea party (but still being incredibly hot while doing so).
"Captain," said Gibbs, "what if the worst should happen?"
"Get me the hell out of there, moron!"
"Aye."
~~ In a boat that is NOT the Interceptor, because it's too small, you see ~~
"Pirate's code," Jack said, answering a question that was never quite asked. "If the worst should happen, run away like a little sissy and beg for mercy if they catch you."
Silence.
"You know, for hating pirates so much, you're well on your way to becoming one," the incredibly hot Jack went on to say. "First off, you're wearing that ridiculous eye patch." Cut to an image of the umbrella, motionless on the seat next to Jack, with a cheap dollar-store-kiddy-Halloween-pirate- costume eye patch around what we can assume is the face.
"And second... you're a treasure-junkie." Pause as the two are seen watching Barbossa and his crew say things and do stuff and WOW look they have Elizabeth. Then, "Not all treasure-junkies die muttering to themselves in a padded room, mate."
Several coins fall out of position and make the noise coins make when they fall out of position, however the pirates in the cave don't seem to notice.
"Not yet. We wait for the opportune moment."
The umbrella implies something along the lines of "You bitch! You're not in this to save Elizabeth at all!" Yes, the umbrella IMPLIED it. Wondering how? Don't.
"May I ask you something?" Jack says, slightly annoyed, to the umbrella, getting unnecessarily close to it and moving his hands quite near to the umbrella-equivalent-of-a-chest (one of my favorite scenes, mind you... but we won't go into that now). "Have I ever blah blah blah? Try not to be stupid, you stupidheaded stupid thing that's stupid."
"Blah blah blah BLOOD!" Barbossa yelled to his crew.
"Rarr!" yelled the crew.
"Blah blah blah MORE BLOOD!" Barbossa yelled.
"Rarr!" yelled the single-vocabulary crew.
"Blah blah blah whole bushel of apples," Barbossa finished dramatically, cutting Elizabeth's hand and sending her into a screaming fit so loud that he hit her to make her shut up and she fell backwards and out of sight of the crew.
Suddenly, unbeknownst to the crew of the Pearl, Jack fell over and for the second time in this parody became unconscious. The umbrella was seen with an oar lying next to it.
~~ The Ending of the Chapter: Another Quick Summary ~~
"Did it work?"
"No."
"Bummer."
The umbrella and Elizabeth escape, *somehow* with the medallion.
"Rarr!"
"Let's mutiny!"
"Rarr!"
"No you can't do that we must be friends."
"Deflated 'rarr'... "
"You're supposed to be dead!"
"No, it's okay, I'm good. My head hurts a little though... "
"Now we will kill you without any regard as to how important you are to the plot!"
"No you can't kill me! Pursey! Potty! Party! Parley! Pocky!"
"What was that?"
"Pocky?"
"No, before that one."
"Oh, parley!"
"Bummer."
~~ End of Chapter Two ~~
Will the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow run away like a sissy and beg for mercy if he's caught? (ha, no!)
Will the crew of pirates ever learn words other than 'rarr'?
Probably, seeing how that will get old real fast?
That's not a question?
I know?
Stay tuned for the next chapter, which will pop into my head sometime during now and Christmas and I'll get it down on Word sometime during when it pops into my head and the Christmas of next year!
(... Maybe I'll just stick to "when I'm inspired".)
WOOT WOOT to Vanilla Coke!
PS: Due to popular demand, I did NOT kick Norrington in the arse. You Norrington-lovers.
Ta!
Summary: You know the summary, foo'!!!!
Disclaimers: ...
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Don't say it...
Disclaimers: But---
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Don't!!
Disclaimers: I---can't---help it---I OWN THEM!! BWAHAHA!!
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: You sad, sad creature...
Warnings: *I* OWN THEM! ME! ME!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: Those aren't warnings?!
~~ Chapter Two ~~
As the Interceptor sailed away, we have a fantastic view of the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow and the umbrella, who is lying on the deck with a loose rope next to it (yes, we can see the umbrella on the deck. The Interceptor has a... uh, low railing).
"That's got to be the best damn pirate/umbrella combo I've ever seen," said the unimportant guy.
"So it would seen," said Norrington with a very I'm-in-a-pissy-mood look on his face.
~~ Interceptor!! Woot woot!!~~
"Yes, yes, Umbrella," Jack was saying, "that's an incredibly amusing life story, to be sure, but your father was a bloody pirate."
Pause. "Yes he was."
Pause. "He was!"
The incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow swung one of the sails so the yard caught the umbrella (who was still on the deck... yes) right in the umbrella part of the umbrella and held it over the water. Yes, I am quite competent at umbrella anatomy.
The umbrella dangled from the pole by its handle. Jack wasn't quite sure if it was listening to him or not, but he opted for "yes" and began talking for awhile about the little pirate that can or can't, and how the little pirate wanted to get up the hill but couldn't because he wouldn't believe his dad was a pirate even though it was quite obvious that he WAS... However, Jack's inspirational story was not for naught (not for naught... ) because the fanchildren in the audience were positively melting over his voice. The end.
Well, that was a fun paragraph.
Anyhoo, after the incredibly hot captain felt that the umbrella now fully understood the fact that its father was a pirate, he swung the yard back around and allowed the umbrella to return to its spot on the deck.
"Tortuga," said Captain Jack Sparrow, offering the umbrella a sword.
~~ Toooooooooooortuuuuuuuuuuuuugaaaaaaaaaa ~~
"Tortuga is, basically, the pimp city," Jack was explaining to the umbrella, who, by umbrella-standards, shouldn't have been able to keep up with Jack as he walked, was somehow *magically* always next to the incredibly hot pirate.
"I'll tell ya mate," Jack said to the ever-listening umbrella, "if every city was like this in the world, there'd be a lot more HIV."
As in of on cue (and most likely on cue), a woman who at first glance looks a bit like a transvestite approaches Jack and slaps him.
"So now you're hanging out with umbrellas, is that it?!" the woman/transvestite screamed at poor incredibly hot Jack. Then she turned around and huffily walked away.
"No it's not like that, Scarlet!" Jack said, only to be slapped by another woman who was definitely a woman who had appeared out of nowhere.
"Ow," said the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow, being very witty today.
~~ Pig Man, da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN ~~
A man wearing a pink leotard with "PM" on the front is sleeping amongst a pile of dirty pigs. We see through a conveniently-placed window that a spotlight resembling something of a piggy is being... spotlighted... into the sky. The pig man, named Pig Man, suddenly jumps up and yells "GASP! I must save the day!" before flying out of the conveniently-placed window to presumably go save the day. The pigs follow suit.
The evil Mr. Gibbs then walks in from off-stage eating a jelly donut. "'Ello, Jack," he says to the incredibly hot pirate who has just entered the scene.
"'Ello, Gibbs," says Jack.
~~ In that prostitute-ridden rum-serving tavern ~~
"Keep a sharp umbrella-equivalent-of-an-eye," Jack told the umbrella, before going over and sitting down at a table with the evil Mr. Gibbs. The umbrella remained propped up against a random pole in the middle of the tavern.
Gibbs and the incredibly hot Jack talked for a bit about stuff that really doesn't concern the umbrella until SUDDENLY it concerned the umbrella so then we start hearing about it in detail once more.
"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage, aye?" Jack said. He looked over to where the umbrella was STILL propped up against a random pole in the middle of the tavern, but this time a drunken giraffe wearing lingerie is leaning up against it, cuddling. The umbrella is tilted away from the smelly animal.
"Oh, you mean the umbrella," Gibbs returns, nodding in understanding.
"No, fool, it's the---wait, you're not supposed to pick up on the obvious!"
"That's because I'm not the obvious!" the so-called Gibbs says, unzipping the back of his head and becoming... PIG MAN (da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN)! "Awaaaay!" He flew off.
The real Gibbs came back holding a fresh mug of rum and sat down at the table across from Jack. "Now, what's the nature of this venture your'n?"
Jack pouts.
~~ On the Peeeeeearl: A Quick Summary ~~
"You are eating with the Captain tonight."
"No."
"Yes."
"Okay."
"We are consumed pirates."
"No you're not."
"Yes we are."
Stab.
"Haha, told you."
"Oh no!"
~~ The Tortuga Crew That's as Crazy as Jack but not Nearly as Incredibly Hot ~~
Woo!! I caught the piece of popcorn I dropped before it hit the floor!!! Go me!
~~ On the Interceptor... Again! Woot! ~~
"Aye, but we're not trying to find north, are we?" Gibbs said to the silent umbrella.
"We're not?" asked a crew member wearing an "I Heart North" t-shirt.
~~ Elizabeth is brought to the cave ~~
Yes, yes she is.
~~ On the Interceptor... AGAIN! Woo---nah. ~~
Gibbs proceeded to tell the umbrella, who (quite frankly) couldn't give a damn, about the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow's past, exaggerating just the tiniest bit about the parts when ravenous hyenas tried to steal this hat and when the palm trees killed his only island friend.
"Young Mr. Umbrella and I are to go ashore," Jack informed Gibbs and the umbrella, after wrecking their tea party (but still being incredibly hot while doing so).
"Captain," said Gibbs, "what if the worst should happen?"
"Get me the hell out of there, moron!"
"Aye."
~~ In a boat that is NOT the Interceptor, because it's too small, you see ~~
"Pirate's code," Jack said, answering a question that was never quite asked. "If the worst should happen, run away like a little sissy and beg for mercy if they catch you."
Silence.
"You know, for hating pirates so much, you're well on your way to becoming one," the incredibly hot Jack went on to say. "First off, you're wearing that ridiculous eye patch." Cut to an image of the umbrella, motionless on the seat next to Jack, with a cheap dollar-store-kiddy-Halloween-pirate- costume eye patch around what we can assume is the face.
"And second... you're a treasure-junkie." Pause as the two are seen watching Barbossa and his crew say things and do stuff and WOW look they have Elizabeth. Then, "Not all treasure-junkies die muttering to themselves in a padded room, mate."
Several coins fall out of position and make the noise coins make when they fall out of position, however the pirates in the cave don't seem to notice.
"Not yet. We wait for the opportune moment."
The umbrella implies something along the lines of "You bitch! You're not in this to save Elizabeth at all!" Yes, the umbrella IMPLIED it. Wondering how? Don't.
"May I ask you something?" Jack says, slightly annoyed, to the umbrella, getting unnecessarily close to it and moving his hands quite near to the umbrella-equivalent-of-a-chest (one of my favorite scenes, mind you... but we won't go into that now). "Have I ever blah blah blah? Try not to be stupid, you stupidheaded stupid thing that's stupid."
"Blah blah blah BLOOD!" Barbossa yelled to his crew.
"Rarr!" yelled the crew.
"Blah blah blah MORE BLOOD!" Barbossa yelled.
"Rarr!" yelled the single-vocabulary crew.
"Blah blah blah whole bushel of apples," Barbossa finished dramatically, cutting Elizabeth's hand and sending her into a screaming fit so loud that he hit her to make her shut up and she fell backwards and out of sight of the crew.
Suddenly, unbeknownst to the crew of the Pearl, Jack fell over and for the second time in this parody became unconscious. The umbrella was seen with an oar lying next to it.
~~ The Ending of the Chapter: Another Quick Summary ~~
"Did it work?"
"No."
"Bummer."
The umbrella and Elizabeth escape, *somehow* with the medallion.
"Rarr!"
"Let's mutiny!"
"Rarr!"
"No you can't do that we must be friends."
"Deflated 'rarr'... "
"You're supposed to be dead!"
"No, it's okay, I'm good. My head hurts a little though... "
"Now we will kill you without any regard as to how important you are to the plot!"
"No you can't kill me! Pursey! Potty! Party! Parley! Pocky!"
"What was that?"
"Pocky?"
"No, before that one."
"Oh, parley!"
"Bummer."
~~ End of Chapter Two ~~
Will the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow run away like a sissy and beg for mercy if he's caught? (ha, no!)
Will the crew of pirates ever learn words other than 'rarr'?
Probably, seeing how that will get old real fast?
That's not a question?
I know?
Stay tuned for the next chapter, which will pop into my head sometime during now and Christmas and I'll get it down on Word sometime during when it pops into my head and the Christmas of next year!
(... Maybe I'll just stick to "when I'm inspired".)
WOOT WOOT to Vanilla Coke!
PS: Due to popular demand, I did NOT kick Norrington in the arse. You Norrington-lovers.
Ta!