That Umbrella in the Water
Summary: Once upon time there was a jawbreaker. The jawbreaker was happily being devoured by a young girl when it rolled out of her hands and across her bedroom floor. The young girl seemed upset. BUT THEN she picked it back up, removed the hairs, and continued licking it.
Alright, so that wasn't the summary. But it was based on actual happenings. Sadly enough...
Disclaimers: *Cut to a padded room with Trojan Snail in a strait jacket inside, rocking back and forth and muttering about how she owns PotC and Disney*
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: *shakes head sadly*
Warnings: Warnings, says you? Don't try to disclaim that you own stuff that you don't own, says I.
~~ Chapter Three ~~
Elizabeth is brought on board the Interceptor. We see that she has a gag in her mouth and she's holding the hand that Barbossa cut, which has ceased to bleed. Muffled screams are heard.
The umbrella appears on deck also.
"Welcome aboard, Umbrella," says the evil Mr. Gibbs. Elizabeth stomped her foot. "Oh, and you too, Miss Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'."
Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth', gave Gibbs an suspicious glare but said nothing---partially owing to the fact that the gag was still in her mouth and anything she would have said would've come out as "Mrph".
"Hey wait," said Gibbs. "Head count!! One, two... where's Jack?"
"Mrph?" said Elizabeth. "Mrph mrph-mrph?"
"He fell behind?!" Gibbs said after he received what he thought was a response from the umbrella. "Mary, Mother of God! We must keep to the code and rescue him!"
Suddenly, Cotton's parrot flew over and landed on Gibbs's shoulder. It informed Gibbs that rescuing the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow would be straying from the original script and that it would force the authoress to be creative in making the fic return to the movie plot. Gibbs changed tactics.
"I mean... Mary, Mother of God!" he said. "We must look off in Jack's direction guiltily and then continue on with our sailing as if nothing happened!"
The crew and (presumably) the umbrella spared the direction of the pirate's cave one fleeting glance before returning to all that normal stuff that pirates do on board their ships. The Interceptor started to sail away.
~~ In Da Cave, Yo ~~
"They're sailing away?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
~~ On Da Ship, Yo ~~
"Did you hear something?"
"No, and get back to sailing away from the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow."
~~ Back In Da Cave, G ~~
"Blah blah blah whose blood do we need?"
"I know whose blood you need," said the incredibly hot *trumpet fanfare* Captain Jack Sparrow, who had since composed himself after learning that his crew was sailing away from him.
~~ Away from the blah blah blahs.on Da Ship!! ~~
Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth' and the umbrella were sitting at a table below the deck. Actually, just Elizabeth was sitting at the table. The umbrella was sprawled on top of it... but one can ASSUME it's sitting because, well, you don't know what an umbrella looks like when it's sitting, DO YOU?
"Mrph," Elizabeth began, still wearing the gag in her mouth. "Mrph mrph mrph mrph mrph---" She was suddenly cut off when none other than Pig Man (da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN) flew in, grabbed the gag out of Elizabeth's mouth screaming, "I'VE FOUND THE GOLDEN GAG!", and left the scene. This not only proved to be quite entertaining for the audience, but it spared the authoress the trouble of going through the whole story with Elizabeth saying nothing but "mrph"---although that doesn't sound like such a bad idea...
The umbrella proceeded to bandage Elizabeth's only-slightly-wounded hand. That is to say that in one shot, Elizabeth's hand wasn't bandaged, and in the next, it was. One can ASSUME the umbrella bandaged the hand but hey you seem to be assuming a lot of things don't you. Yes, that is not a question.
For reasons unknown, Elizabeth felt drawn to reach into her dress and pull out the shiny gold coin thing---
The medallion?
---the SHINY GOLD COIN THING and hand it to the umbrella.
"Mrph mrph---I mean, it's yours," she said, avoiding the umbrella- equivalent-of-eye-contact with the umbrella.
"Because I thought you were a pirate," Elizabeth then said, even though the umbrella hadn't made any sort of movement to suggest that it had asked Elizabeth a question. "Worse, I thought you were a butt pirate. That would have been awful. I hear those butt pirates are prone to getting really nasty sexually transmitted diseases."
An awkward silence followed only because Elizabeth chose not to talk at that moment. Then Elizabeth said uneasily, "You're not a butt pirate... are you?"
The medallion was somehow slammed down on the table. Elizabeth "mrph"ed and fled the scene.
Yo ho, yo ho, a butt pirate's life for me...
~~ Numba One In Da Hood, G---I'll stop, really ~~
"Blah blah blah sail away on my ship?"
Barbossa and the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow were in *reads from the script* "Captain's cabin of the Black Pearl"---really? Oh, guess they were... anyhoo, I just beat my brother in Simpson's Road Rage!! Er, okay, I GUESS I can be relevant... so, as I was saying, Barbossa and Jack were on da ship and Jack was looking incredibly hot and Barbossa was looking incredibly old.
"No," Jack said. "It's my ship, you meanine fo feanie fi fy fo deanie."
My spell check is going wild, in case you're wondering.
"It's my ship!"
"ISLAND!"
"Wha... ?" said Barbossa.
"Well," said Jack. "I WAS going to say that I'd strand you on a beach with absolutely no name at all and shout the name back to you when I sail away in MY-EYE-EYE ship. And then I was going to say 'savvy?' and look, if possible, even MORE incredibly hot, but then I realized that I didn't know the name of the beach I'd be stranding you on, so I just winged it and yelled 'island'!"
There was a long silence following Jack's explanation.
"... Jack?" Barbossa said finally.
"Yes?"
"Remember that talk we had about being relevant to the story?"
"... Yes... "
~~ Back on THE (yes, not DA) Intacepta ~~
"Argh! Insert pirate talk here!" said the evil Mr. Gibbs.
"What's happening?!" Elizabeth said, knowing nothing of pirate talk but still picking up that it wasn't looking too good.
For the first time EVER in this fanfiction, Anamaria makes an appearance!! *trumpet fanfare*
"The Black Pearl," she said dramatically. Bongo drums could be heard in the background. The crew started snapping in time to them. "She's... gaining on us."
"Oh... my god," Elizabeth said, trying to sound as equally dramatic.
"Let's throw... stuff overboard," Gibbs said. The bongos and snapping stopped.
"WOOT!!" yelled the crew, all of whom had wanted to throw stuff overboard since they got on the ship.
The crew moved about the Interceptor, tossing random stuff over the sides and laughing as the sharks tried to eat it and got indigestion.
"Sharks are silly," said a crew member, only to be pushed overboard as a prank by his mates. He was devoured within seconds. The crew turned white and edged away from the scene, whistling innocently.
"Now we should load the guns!" Gibbs said. "... Well shit, I guess we should have loaded the guns BEFORE we threw everything overboard."
Nevertheless, random utensils were shoved into the cannons, which are NOT guns at all, and the evil Mr. Gibbs is just one very confused personage.
"Look! I know pirate talk!" Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth' said. "Lower the anchor on the starboard side! Bwahaha!"
"But that... is daft," said Anamaria dramatically. Bongo drums were heard momentarily.
"Damn straight!" Gibbs said. "Lower da anchor!"
"Look! I know how to steer a ship!" said Elizabeth. "Let go of the steering wheel, 'cause THAT'S smart!"
Anamaria let go of the steering wheel and the ship swung around and stuff was working according to plan when all of a sudden the Pearl appeared alongside the Interceptor and instead of launching a surprise attack on them, the crew just leaned over the railings and yelled tauntingly at Barbossa and his men. Ah ha, this paragraph is 67 words long. No, that is not relevant.
"Rarr!" yelled Barbossa's crew threatening.
"Ohmigod! Ohmigod!" yelled A Random Crew Member on the Interceptor. "They have GUNS (cannons)!!"
"You fool!" yelled Gibbs, although this is definitely straying from the script. "We've got guns (cannons) too!"
"But they're filled with UTENSILS!!" pointed out another crew member. "How the hell are we supposed to win when we're armed with UTENSILS?! Huh?!"
Both ships got real quiet.
"... Eh," shrugged Gibbs. "Worth a try."
"Rarr!!" Barbossa's crew started again.
"EEEEEE!" returned Jack's crew.
Then everyone looked towards the umbrella that was currently propped up against a mast or something convenient. The umbrella presumably gave the signal.
"FIRE!!!" yelled Gibbs.
"FIRE!!!" yelled Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'.
"RARRRRR!!!!!" yelled Barbossa and his crew.
~~ Meanwhile, Elsewhere ~~
As I forgot to mention, the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow was in a prison cell below deck. Don't ask when he was taken capture, he just was. And he was currently wondering why on earth he kept hearing the distinctive sound of utensils hitting pirate ship wood and, more distinctively, pirates.
I mean... come on... UTENSILS?!
A particularly nasty round of cutlery was fired at the Pearl.
"QUIT FIRIN' UTENSILS AT MY SHIP!" the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow yelled, but then realized that a fork had become lodged in the cell's lock and this somehow caused the cell door to swing open. "Oh... " said Jack. "... Never mind!" He left through the unlocked door.
~~ Partay Over Hurr!! (a summary) ~~
"We're screwed."
"Let's surrender Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'."
(If the umbrella could talk, it would have said): "No they want my shiny gold coin thing."
"Medallion?"
"Oh no! The shiny gold coin thing isn't between my boobs!!"
"... Ewww."
"Blah blah blah BRING ME THE SHINY GOLD COIN THING!!"
"... We're screwed."
~~ End of Chapter Three ~~
Will the entire crew on the Interceptor be screwed?
Will people finally learn the name of the shiny gold coin thing?
Will we actually call Elizabitch by her real name?
I THINK NOT!
BWAHAHAHHAAHA!!!
Patience is a virtue, missy, so if you stick around, I promise I'll get the next chapter out a helluva lot sooner than this one. Really! Expect it before Christmas!! BWAHAHA!!! Until then, stay hooked on Vanilla Coke.
Ta!
Summary: Once upon time there was a jawbreaker. The jawbreaker was happily being devoured by a young girl when it rolled out of her hands and across her bedroom floor. The young girl seemed upset. BUT THEN she picked it back up, removed the hairs, and continued licking it.
Alright, so that wasn't the summary. But it was based on actual happenings. Sadly enough...
Disclaimers: *Cut to a padded room with Trojan Snail in a strait jacket inside, rocking back and forth and muttering about how she owns PotC and Disney*
Tipsy the Vanilla Coke Can: *shakes head sadly*
Warnings: Warnings, says you? Don't try to disclaim that you own stuff that you don't own, says I.
~~ Chapter Three ~~
Elizabeth is brought on board the Interceptor. We see that she has a gag in her mouth and she's holding the hand that Barbossa cut, which has ceased to bleed. Muffled screams are heard.
The umbrella appears on deck also.
"Welcome aboard, Umbrella," says the evil Mr. Gibbs. Elizabeth stomped her foot. "Oh, and you too, Miss Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'."
Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth', gave Gibbs an suspicious glare but said nothing---partially owing to the fact that the gag was still in her mouth and anything she would have said would've come out as "Mrph".
"Hey wait," said Gibbs. "Head count!! One, two... where's Jack?"
"Mrph?" said Elizabeth. "Mrph mrph-mrph?"
"He fell behind?!" Gibbs said after he received what he thought was a response from the umbrella. "Mary, Mother of God! We must keep to the code and rescue him!"
Suddenly, Cotton's parrot flew over and landed on Gibbs's shoulder. It informed Gibbs that rescuing the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow would be straying from the original script and that it would force the authoress to be creative in making the fic return to the movie plot. Gibbs changed tactics.
"I mean... Mary, Mother of God!" he said. "We must look off in Jack's direction guiltily and then continue on with our sailing as if nothing happened!"
The crew and (presumably) the umbrella spared the direction of the pirate's cave one fleeting glance before returning to all that normal stuff that pirates do on board their ships. The Interceptor started to sail away.
~~ In Da Cave, Yo ~~
"They're sailing away?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
~~ On Da Ship, Yo ~~
"Did you hear something?"
"No, and get back to sailing away from the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow."
~~ Back In Da Cave, G ~~
"Blah blah blah whose blood do we need?"
"I know whose blood you need," said the incredibly hot *trumpet fanfare* Captain Jack Sparrow, who had since composed himself after learning that his crew was sailing away from him.
~~ Away from the blah blah blahs.on Da Ship!! ~~
Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth' and the umbrella were sitting at a table below the deck. Actually, just Elizabeth was sitting at the table. The umbrella was sprawled on top of it... but one can ASSUME it's sitting because, well, you don't know what an umbrella looks like when it's sitting, DO YOU?
"Mrph," Elizabeth began, still wearing the gag in her mouth. "Mrph mrph mrph mrph mrph---" She was suddenly cut off when none other than Pig Man (da-na-na-na da-na-na-na PIG MAN) flew in, grabbed the gag out of Elizabeth's mouth screaming, "I'VE FOUND THE GOLDEN GAG!", and left the scene. This not only proved to be quite entertaining for the audience, but it spared the authoress the trouble of going through the whole story with Elizabeth saying nothing but "mrph"---although that doesn't sound like such a bad idea...
The umbrella proceeded to bandage Elizabeth's only-slightly-wounded hand. That is to say that in one shot, Elizabeth's hand wasn't bandaged, and in the next, it was. One can ASSUME the umbrella bandaged the hand but hey you seem to be assuming a lot of things don't you. Yes, that is not a question.
For reasons unknown, Elizabeth felt drawn to reach into her dress and pull out the shiny gold coin thing---
The medallion?
---the SHINY GOLD COIN THING and hand it to the umbrella.
"Mrph mrph---I mean, it's yours," she said, avoiding the umbrella- equivalent-of-eye-contact with the umbrella.
"Because I thought you were a pirate," Elizabeth then said, even though the umbrella hadn't made any sort of movement to suggest that it had asked Elizabeth a question. "Worse, I thought you were a butt pirate. That would have been awful. I hear those butt pirates are prone to getting really nasty sexually transmitted diseases."
An awkward silence followed only because Elizabeth chose not to talk at that moment. Then Elizabeth said uneasily, "You're not a butt pirate... are you?"
The medallion was somehow slammed down on the table. Elizabeth "mrph"ed and fled the scene.
Yo ho, yo ho, a butt pirate's life for me...
~~ Numba One In Da Hood, G---I'll stop, really ~~
"Blah blah blah sail away on my ship?"
Barbossa and the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow were in *reads from the script* "Captain's cabin of the Black Pearl"---really? Oh, guess they were... anyhoo, I just beat my brother in Simpson's Road Rage!! Er, okay, I GUESS I can be relevant... so, as I was saying, Barbossa and Jack were on da ship and Jack was looking incredibly hot and Barbossa was looking incredibly old.
"No," Jack said. "It's my ship, you meanine fo feanie fi fy fo deanie."
My spell check is going wild, in case you're wondering.
"It's my ship!"
"ISLAND!"
"Wha... ?" said Barbossa.
"Well," said Jack. "I WAS going to say that I'd strand you on a beach with absolutely no name at all and shout the name back to you when I sail away in MY-EYE-EYE ship. And then I was going to say 'savvy?' and look, if possible, even MORE incredibly hot, but then I realized that I didn't know the name of the beach I'd be stranding you on, so I just winged it and yelled 'island'!"
There was a long silence following Jack's explanation.
"... Jack?" Barbossa said finally.
"Yes?"
"Remember that talk we had about being relevant to the story?"
"... Yes... "
~~ Back on THE (yes, not DA) Intacepta ~~
"Argh! Insert pirate talk here!" said the evil Mr. Gibbs.
"What's happening?!" Elizabeth said, knowing nothing of pirate talk but still picking up that it wasn't looking too good.
For the first time EVER in this fanfiction, Anamaria makes an appearance!! *trumpet fanfare*
"The Black Pearl," she said dramatically. Bongo drums could be heard in the background. The crew started snapping in time to them. "She's... gaining on us."
"Oh... my god," Elizabeth said, trying to sound as equally dramatic.
"Let's throw... stuff overboard," Gibbs said. The bongos and snapping stopped.
"WOOT!!" yelled the crew, all of whom had wanted to throw stuff overboard since they got on the ship.
The crew moved about the Interceptor, tossing random stuff over the sides and laughing as the sharks tried to eat it and got indigestion.
"Sharks are silly," said a crew member, only to be pushed overboard as a prank by his mates. He was devoured within seconds. The crew turned white and edged away from the scene, whistling innocently.
"Now we should load the guns!" Gibbs said. "... Well shit, I guess we should have loaded the guns BEFORE we threw everything overboard."
Nevertheless, random utensils were shoved into the cannons, which are NOT guns at all, and the evil Mr. Gibbs is just one very confused personage.
"Look! I know pirate talk!" Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth' said. "Lower the anchor on the starboard side! Bwahaha!"
"But that... is daft," said Anamaria dramatically. Bongo drums were heard momentarily.
"Damn straight!" Gibbs said. "Lower da anchor!"
"Look! I know how to steer a ship!" said Elizabeth. "Let go of the steering wheel, 'cause THAT'S smart!"
Anamaria let go of the steering wheel and the ship swung around and stuff was working according to plan when all of a sudden the Pearl appeared alongside the Interceptor and instead of launching a surprise attack on them, the crew just leaned over the railings and yelled tauntingly at Barbossa and his men. Ah ha, this paragraph is 67 words long. No, that is not relevant.
"Rarr!" yelled Barbossa's crew threatening.
"Ohmigod! Ohmigod!" yelled A Random Crew Member on the Interceptor. "They have GUNS (cannons)!!"
"You fool!" yelled Gibbs, although this is definitely straying from the script. "We've got guns (cannons) too!"
"But they're filled with UTENSILS!!" pointed out another crew member. "How the hell are we supposed to win when we're armed with UTENSILS?! Huh?!"
Both ships got real quiet.
"... Eh," shrugged Gibbs. "Worth a try."
"Rarr!!" Barbossa's crew started again.
"EEEEEE!" returned Jack's crew.
Then everyone looked towards the umbrella that was currently propped up against a mast or something convenient. The umbrella presumably gave the signal.
"FIRE!!!" yelled Gibbs.
"FIRE!!!" yelled Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'.
"RARRRRR!!!!!" yelled Barbossa and his crew.
~~ Meanwhile, Elsewhere ~~
As I forgot to mention, the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow was in a prison cell below deck. Don't ask when he was taken capture, he just was. And he was currently wondering why on earth he kept hearing the distinctive sound of utensils hitting pirate ship wood and, more distinctively, pirates.
I mean... come on... UTENSILS?!
A particularly nasty round of cutlery was fired at the Pearl.
"QUIT FIRIN' UTENSILS AT MY SHIP!" the incredibly hot Captain Jack Sparrow yelled, but then realized that a fork had become lodged in the cell's lock and this somehow caused the cell door to swing open. "Oh... " said Jack. "... Never mind!" He left through the unlocked door.
~~ Partay Over Hurr!! (a summary) ~~
"We're screwed."
"Let's surrender Elizabitch---beth, I meant 'beth'."
(If the umbrella could talk, it would have said): "No they want my shiny gold coin thing."
"Medallion?"
"Oh no! The shiny gold coin thing isn't between my boobs!!"
"... Ewww."
"Blah blah blah BRING ME THE SHINY GOLD COIN THING!!"
"... We're screwed."
~~ End of Chapter Three ~~
Will the entire crew on the Interceptor be screwed?
Will people finally learn the name of the shiny gold coin thing?
Will we actually call Elizabitch by her real name?
I THINK NOT!
BWAHAHAHHAAHA!!!
Patience is a virtue, missy, so if you stick around, I promise I'll get the next chapter out a helluva lot sooner than this one. Really! Expect it before Christmas!! BWAHAHA!!! Until then, stay hooked on Vanilla Coke.
Ta!