Disclaimer: None of this crap is mine, sadly. Sewage is for toilets, I
don't want it, so don't sew.
Warning: Draco is a nutter!
Authors notes: This is a bit scary. It came out of nowhere; so don't expect another Cassandra Claire fic, just some extreme oddness from a psycho author. REVIEW PLEASE, so I can know how weird you think this was (or how funny) Flames are good too, they make me laugh hysterically.
"How does that boy do it?" Harry asked irritably as he glanced over at Draco, who was currently lounging at the Slytherin table with his long legs taking up three extra seats, his chin tilted up arrogantly, and his usual smirk firmly in place.
"Do what mate?" Ron asked through a mouthful of eggs. Harry twisted his face in disgust and tore his eyes off the infuriating blond.
"Keep his Malfoy composure at 8:00 in the bloody morning?!" Harry replied bitterly.
"Who knows, he's Malfoy. How does the brat do anything?" Harry snorted and wondered vaguely what it would take for Malfoy to lose all his control. Though he needn't be bothered with such queries because his questions were answered sooner than expected.
***
Dinner that night started out much more tedious than usual, leftovers were served from a few nights back and there was not a thing to talk about. All the students were picking at their food dispassionately and conversation lulled on and on without enthusiasm. Harry chanced a look over at the slytherin table and his eyes met Draco's rather unexpectedly. Draco waggled his perfect brows and took a large gulp from his glass of pumpkin juice. He immediately began to sputter ungracefully and his eyes glazed over in a sickly sort of way. Harry furrowed his brows and tapped Ron on the shoulder; he turned around and wondered hopefully if Malfoy had died. The blond lay stock still with his head on the table, right in the middle of his mashed potatoes. All eyes were on him now and there was an eerie silence in the Great Hall. Suddenly the apparently dead boy sprang to life hopped up onto the table and cleared his throat loudly. Though he didn't need to since he already had everyone's full attention. He began flapping his arms like a chicken and apparently doing the chicken dance. Soon after he turned so his back was facing the crowd and to everyone's horror and amusement he began to singing the words while he danced
"I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck" Draco sang loudly then he paused and clutched his rear end rather dramatically "So kiss my butt" He shook it with all his might but sobered as he heard over 100 loud thumps as the entire Hogwarts female population fainted. He turned around, still clutching his bum and looked confused as he looked at the girls lying on the floor.
"Does this have anything to do with my bum?" he asked removing his hands from his rear bashfully.
"This had everything to do with your bum mate" Marcus flint stated not meeting the blond's eyes. Laughter rang through the halls as Draco sauntered back over to his seat and plopped down, looking very clueless to what he had just done. Ron was choking on his food and had long since fallen on the floor from laughing, after yelling, "Encore, encore" loudly. Harry was trying hard not to choke on the pumpkin juice he had recently drunk but he couldn't seem to swallow it. Hermione and a few other girls awoke in a daze and Harry seeing the look on her face had spewed his juice all over her face and started to laugh hysterically. When he finally sobered he realized that Malfoy was gone. Ron was still spluttering on the ground and trying not to die from suffocation. Just then the Great hall doors were slammed open and Draco waltzed in wearing an overcoat and a pair of thick-framed glasses. Once again he perched himself on top of the Slytherin table. He tore of the overcoat to reveal a superman costume. (Ron was now turning an unattractive shade of puce and choking harder) Malfoy took a running leap toward the staff table and landed right on Snape who looked much less than pleased. Malfoy gave him a serious look and pulled a bar of soap from his pocket
"I'm here to save you my friend." Draco said solemnly indicating toward Snape's mop of greasy hair "This is called soap, I suggest you use it." He said gesturing toward the soap bar. And with that he rolled off Snape and ran from the great hall yelling
"SUPERMAN!" at the top of his lungs. Snape stood up and brushed himself off indignantly hurling the bar of soap across the room. The great hall doors creaked open and a pale arm reached out and caught the soap right in time. Draco's silvery head peeked in and he looked very disappointed. "No need to thank me, I was only doing my job." He said before disappearing from sight completely. He didn't return to dinner that night.
***
The next morning everyone was gossiping constantly about Draco's "Interesting" performances the night before. Ron's face had become permanently red from laughing and he now looked quite similar to a tomato, how odd. Just as the last few students arrived at breakfast, an odd scene unfolded, one that would most likely give Harry nightmares for the rest of his life, and probably long after that. Draco Malfoy had just walked in.in a lacey pink dress that was cut just above the knee and dotted with little blue flowers. He was also modeling some very tasteful lipstick, hot pink lipstick, and dark blue eye shadow, oh yeah and a BIG PINK BOW!!!! If you could tear your eyes away from the large pink thing on his head you would also see his seven-inch heels. Even stranger was what happened next......He started spinning around and singing, oh the humility, it was so awful, Draco singing in a girly voice and dancing!
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight!" He sang. He began to hop up and down and smack his bum repeatedly; he looked like an idiot, in a dress, and a bow. He then hopped up on the Gryfendor table and continued his song. .
"I feel charming, oh, so charming -It's alarming how charming I feel, and so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real." He jumped into Harry's lap and gave him a big sloppy kiss on the lips. "See the pretty girl in that mirror there: Who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such pretty dress, such a pretty smile. Such a pretty me!" He then shoved Harry onto the floor and batted his long eyelashes at Ron, who was laughing so hard that the bench was how do you say, dripping?
"I feel stunning and entrancing. Feel like running and dancing for joy .For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!" Draco sang. By then Mcgonnagol, Trewlany, and Snape chorused the next part.
"Have you met my good friend Dracina? The craziest girl on the block? You'll know her the minute you see her, She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock. She thinks she's in love, She thinks she's in Spain, She isn't in love, She's merely insane! It must be the heat, or some rare disease or too much to eat or maybe it's fleas Keep away from her. Send for Chino! This is not the Dracina we know Modest and pure. Polite and refined. Well-bred and mature and out of her mind!" They sang in the key of 'off '.
"I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty! That the city should give me its key. A committee should be organized to honor me!" Draco bellowed as he pulled Harry off of the floor for a dance.
Draco spun Harry away from him the pulled him back in.
"I feel dizzy, I feel sunny, I feel dizzy and funny and fine and so pretty, Miss America can just resign!" Draco continued as he and Harry spun in circles. "See the pretty girl in that mirror there?"
"What mirror where?" Harry asked confusedly as he was dipped down and pulled back up.
"Who can that attractive girl be?" Draco sang.
"Which? What? Where? Whom?" Harry queried. Draco let him go and jumped onto the Slytherin table to resume his song.
"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and OUCH!" He sand before falling off the edge of the table. Draco shook his head and blinked a few times before..
"WHY AM I IN A BLOODY DRESS! AHHHHHHHH IT'S GOT LITTLE FLOWERS ON IT!" Draco screamed in horror. "I'm A GIRL?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" He ran from the hall so fast his heels flew off and hit Ron right between his eyes, he promptly passed out. Ten minutes later distant "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's" could still be heard.
***
In potions the oddest thing happened, Draco waltzed in with spiky hair, baggy navy blue pants with a stripe up the side, and a tight Nike shirt that stretched over his slightly muscled abdomen.
"We are on fire. We have.desires. But one.is that way. One Backstreet Boy is gay." Draco sang in a husky voice.
"But we don't want to be mean, since now he's a queen. Don't ask please.. Which Backstreet Boy is gay?" He walked down the aisle between the desks, pausing in front of each girl and winking before moving to the next.
"Tell me who..Ain't saying that it's AJ. Tell me who..Ain't saying that it's Howie tell me who.I never want to hear you say Which Backstreet Boy is gay?" Draco was back at the front of the room by now and he smoothly jumped onto Snape desk and kicked off everything with one movement.
"Now I can see him.he's in woman's clothes, but he don't need an ID. Yeah..He likes village people. He's playing croakain. His dog is peak' kin on meeeeeeeee." He sand loudly and started to shake his bum franticly, his eyes glinting manically.
"He is on fire. His back..Perspires. Won't say.won't say.won't say. OKAY!!!!!" He paused as a music section played, (since when did he have accompaniment?) while he waited, he danced like a manic.
"He's always saying! Ain't nothing but a butt ache. Ain't nothing but a fruitcake. I never want to hear you say.. Which one of us is gay." He sat down and swung his legs over the front of the desk as he sang.
"Tell me who. Ain't saying that it's Brian Tell me who.Ain't saying if you're Kevin Tell me who.He's making up a suit play. Which Backstreet Boy is gay." Draco lowered his head as the lights dimmed.
"Okay.. We're all gay." Draco finished softly. He wiped the sweat from his face with the back of his hand and grinned as the class erupted into applause.
Warning: Draco is a nutter!
Authors notes: This is a bit scary. It came out of nowhere; so don't expect another Cassandra Claire fic, just some extreme oddness from a psycho author. REVIEW PLEASE, so I can know how weird you think this was (or how funny) Flames are good too, they make me laugh hysterically.
"How does that boy do it?" Harry asked irritably as he glanced over at Draco, who was currently lounging at the Slytherin table with his long legs taking up three extra seats, his chin tilted up arrogantly, and his usual smirk firmly in place.
"Do what mate?" Ron asked through a mouthful of eggs. Harry twisted his face in disgust and tore his eyes off the infuriating blond.
"Keep his Malfoy composure at 8:00 in the bloody morning?!" Harry replied bitterly.
"Who knows, he's Malfoy. How does the brat do anything?" Harry snorted and wondered vaguely what it would take for Malfoy to lose all his control. Though he needn't be bothered with such queries because his questions were answered sooner than expected.
***
Dinner that night started out much more tedious than usual, leftovers were served from a few nights back and there was not a thing to talk about. All the students were picking at their food dispassionately and conversation lulled on and on without enthusiasm. Harry chanced a look over at the slytherin table and his eyes met Draco's rather unexpectedly. Draco waggled his perfect brows and took a large gulp from his glass of pumpkin juice. He immediately began to sputter ungracefully and his eyes glazed over in a sickly sort of way. Harry furrowed his brows and tapped Ron on the shoulder; he turned around and wondered hopefully if Malfoy had died. The blond lay stock still with his head on the table, right in the middle of his mashed potatoes. All eyes were on him now and there was an eerie silence in the Great Hall. Suddenly the apparently dead boy sprang to life hopped up onto the table and cleared his throat loudly. Though he didn't need to since he already had everyone's full attention. He began flapping his arms like a chicken and apparently doing the chicken dance. Soon after he turned so his back was facing the crowd and to everyone's horror and amusement he began to singing the words while he danced
"I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck" Draco sang loudly then he paused and clutched his rear end rather dramatically "So kiss my butt" He shook it with all his might but sobered as he heard over 100 loud thumps as the entire Hogwarts female population fainted. He turned around, still clutching his bum and looked confused as he looked at the girls lying on the floor.
"Does this have anything to do with my bum?" he asked removing his hands from his rear bashfully.
"This had everything to do with your bum mate" Marcus flint stated not meeting the blond's eyes. Laughter rang through the halls as Draco sauntered back over to his seat and plopped down, looking very clueless to what he had just done. Ron was choking on his food and had long since fallen on the floor from laughing, after yelling, "Encore, encore" loudly. Harry was trying hard not to choke on the pumpkin juice he had recently drunk but he couldn't seem to swallow it. Hermione and a few other girls awoke in a daze and Harry seeing the look on her face had spewed his juice all over her face and started to laugh hysterically. When he finally sobered he realized that Malfoy was gone. Ron was still spluttering on the ground and trying not to die from suffocation. Just then the Great hall doors were slammed open and Draco waltzed in wearing an overcoat and a pair of thick-framed glasses. Once again he perched himself on top of the Slytherin table. He tore of the overcoat to reveal a superman costume. (Ron was now turning an unattractive shade of puce and choking harder) Malfoy took a running leap toward the staff table and landed right on Snape who looked much less than pleased. Malfoy gave him a serious look and pulled a bar of soap from his pocket
"I'm here to save you my friend." Draco said solemnly indicating toward Snape's mop of greasy hair "This is called soap, I suggest you use it." He said gesturing toward the soap bar. And with that he rolled off Snape and ran from the great hall yelling
"SUPERMAN!" at the top of his lungs. Snape stood up and brushed himself off indignantly hurling the bar of soap across the room. The great hall doors creaked open and a pale arm reached out and caught the soap right in time. Draco's silvery head peeked in and he looked very disappointed. "No need to thank me, I was only doing my job." He said before disappearing from sight completely. He didn't return to dinner that night.
***
The next morning everyone was gossiping constantly about Draco's "Interesting" performances the night before. Ron's face had become permanently red from laughing and he now looked quite similar to a tomato, how odd. Just as the last few students arrived at breakfast, an odd scene unfolded, one that would most likely give Harry nightmares for the rest of his life, and probably long after that. Draco Malfoy had just walked in.in a lacey pink dress that was cut just above the knee and dotted with little blue flowers. He was also modeling some very tasteful lipstick, hot pink lipstick, and dark blue eye shadow, oh yeah and a BIG PINK BOW!!!! If you could tear your eyes away from the large pink thing on his head you would also see his seven-inch heels. Even stranger was what happened next......He started spinning around and singing, oh the humility, it was so awful, Draco singing in a girly voice and dancing!
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight!" He sang. He began to hop up and down and smack his bum repeatedly; he looked like an idiot, in a dress, and a bow. He then hopped up on the Gryfendor table and continued his song. .
"I feel charming, oh, so charming -It's alarming how charming I feel, and so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real." He jumped into Harry's lap and gave him a big sloppy kiss on the lips. "See the pretty girl in that mirror there: Who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such pretty dress, such a pretty smile. Such a pretty me!" He then shoved Harry onto the floor and batted his long eyelashes at Ron, who was laughing so hard that the bench was how do you say, dripping?
"I feel stunning and entrancing. Feel like running and dancing for joy .For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!" Draco sang. By then Mcgonnagol, Trewlany, and Snape chorused the next part.
"Have you met my good friend Dracina? The craziest girl on the block? You'll know her the minute you see her, She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock. She thinks she's in love, She thinks she's in Spain, She isn't in love, She's merely insane! It must be the heat, or some rare disease or too much to eat or maybe it's fleas Keep away from her. Send for Chino! This is not the Dracina we know Modest and pure. Polite and refined. Well-bred and mature and out of her mind!" They sang in the key of 'off '.
"I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty! That the city should give me its key. A committee should be organized to honor me!" Draco bellowed as he pulled Harry off of the floor for a dance.
Draco spun Harry away from him the pulled him back in.
"I feel dizzy, I feel sunny, I feel dizzy and funny and fine and so pretty, Miss America can just resign!" Draco continued as he and Harry spun in circles. "See the pretty girl in that mirror there?"
"What mirror where?" Harry asked confusedly as he was dipped down and pulled back up.
"Who can that attractive girl be?" Draco sang.
"Which? What? Where? Whom?" Harry queried. Draco let him go and jumped onto the Slytherin table to resume his song.
"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and OUCH!" He sand before falling off the edge of the table. Draco shook his head and blinked a few times before..
"WHY AM I IN A BLOODY DRESS! AHHHHHHHH IT'S GOT LITTLE FLOWERS ON IT!" Draco screamed in horror. "I'm A GIRL?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" He ran from the hall so fast his heels flew off and hit Ron right between his eyes, he promptly passed out. Ten minutes later distant "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's" could still be heard.
***
In potions the oddest thing happened, Draco waltzed in with spiky hair, baggy navy blue pants with a stripe up the side, and a tight Nike shirt that stretched over his slightly muscled abdomen.
"We are on fire. We have.desires. But one.is that way. One Backstreet Boy is gay." Draco sang in a husky voice.
"But we don't want to be mean, since now he's a queen. Don't ask please.. Which Backstreet Boy is gay?" He walked down the aisle between the desks, pausing in front of each girl and winking before moving to the next.
"Tell me who..Ain't saying that it's AJ. Tell me who..Ain't saying that it's Howie tell me who.I never want to hear you say Which Backstreet Boy is gay?" Draco was back at the front of the room by now and he smoothly jumped onto Snape desk and kicked off everything with one movement.
"Now I can see him.he's in woman's clothes, but he don't need an ID. Yeah..He likes village people. He's playing croakain. His dog is peak' kin on meeeeeeeee." He sand loudly and started to shake his bum franticly, his eyes glinting manically.
"He is on fire. His back..Perspires. Won't say.won't say.won't say. OKAY!!!!!" He paused as a music section played, (since when did he have accompaniment?) while he waited, he danced like a manic.
"He's always saying! Ain't nothing but a butt ache. Ain't nothing but a fruitcake. I never want to hear you say.. Which one of us is gay." He sat down and swung his legs over the front of the desk as he sang.
"Tell me who. Ain't saying that it's Brian Tell me who.Ain't saying if you're Kevin Tell me who.He's making up a suit play. Which Backstreet Boy is gay." Draco lowered his head as the lights dimmed.
"Okay.. We're all gay." Draco finished softly. He wiped the sweat from his face with the back of his hand and grinned as the class erupted into applause.