TITLE: Living in Your Letters
NOTES: Chapter 2 please review! Haha - get it? It rhymes.yea well. It's late and I need sleep. Chapter 3 should be up sometime later this week, but don't hold your breath because I have the PSAT on Tuesday and it's Homecoming week, which basically means partying all week so it might not get posted til this weekend. Depends on how many after parties I go to. Hehehe. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Abby,
By the time you read this letter, Luka should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliché, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment - and your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say. Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective. County, Gamma's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled. And in the Congo, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.
You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that that's what you really want. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being.sorry, I'm rambling.
I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. Eric's disease, your mother. Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I? I tired to help, but then when I needed you.I don't know.
The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.
I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.
I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.
Love,
Carter
"So, have you seen Luka yet?" A voice interrupts my thought process, or lack there of as I finished reading the letter on the bench outside the ER entrance.
"Uh, no, not yet." I quickly fold the letter up and stick it in my pocket. "I've been stuck in triage all morning."
"Wow, someone really doesn't like you."
"Yeah, I can't decide who I dislike more, Weaver or Romano. Romano cut back shifts for the nurses and they're all pissed."
"I know. I saw Haleh and Chuny about ten minutes ago. They were fuming." Susan nods in agreement. I know this is going to be a long day considering it's only ten and I feel like I've been awake for hours and hours. I met Gillian about twenty minutes ago. I guess that's what Carter meant when he said that Luka was more than fine. Was that really only a week ago?
"Hello? Earth to Abby!" Susan interrupts my thoughts once again and I snap out of my bubble. "Are you okay?"
"Uh, not really."
"Want to talk about it?" She has a look of genuine concern on her face and I realize I must look like shit. I hesitate for a second, thinking maybe if I tell her it will make it a little better, but then I change my mind and quickly shake my head. Suddenly, both our beepers go off simultaneously. "Ugh, do they not realize we're standing right outside? Stay out here, I'll go see what's going on."
Susan walks back through the doors and I lose myself in my own thought again. How could one piece of paper hurt so much? Of course it wasn't the paper that hurt so much, it was the words that he had written. He had lied when he said his leaving wasn't about her. Obviously his excursion was some desperate need to get away from her. I shouldn't have let myself love him so much. If I hadn't loved him so much, it wouldn't have hurt this bad.
"Abby, Romano is looking for you." Frank bustles through the door and marches towards me. I roll my eyes and stand up, pulling the piece of paper out of my pocket and crumbling it in my hand. Sayonara John Carter, I think to myself as I walk towards the emergency room doors. I throw it towards the trash can as I go back into the hospital.
*Several Hours Later*
I have this horrible feeling that everyone around me knows something I don't. For one thing, Malik said the word unfettered, which is not in his usual vocabulary. I've heard the word somewhere else today too, which is a little odd. Oh shit! It suddenly hits me. Carter's letter. Carter used the word unfettered. We both know we would work better unfettered. But how could Malik have read the letter? I threw it into the trash can. Wait a second, Frank was still outside when I came back in. But would he really stoop so low as to dig through a garbage can? I storm out of the lounge towards the front desk determined to get this solved right now.
"Frank!" I bellow as I get nearer. There is a crowd gathered around the desk clerk, even though they seem to move away as they hear me approach. If I'm not mistaken, there's a rustle of paper behind Frank's back as well. "What is that?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I know you have my letter and you are going to give it back to me right now!" I growl and stand with one hand on my hip and the other reached towards him. "Give it to me now!"
"And we were just getting to the good part." A snide voice commented and I whip around to see Romano in his one armed glory standing by the board. "I have to say, I've been having a pretty shitty day, but this just makes me feel that much better."
The look of disgust I give him must be extremely frightening because he gives me a scared look before rushing away to a patient. I march up to Frank and snatch the piece of paper out of his hands and fold it as fast as I can and stick it back in my pocket.
"I can't believe all of you. Don't you have anything better to do with your lives that make mine a living hell?" I wasn't really expecting a response to this outburst. They give me sheepish looks and hurry off to patients as well. I close my eyes and bang my hands on the desk and groan. "I hate my life!"
"It can't be that bad." An unfamiliar voice comments. I look up confused, only to find the face of Gillian smiling back at me. Is this woman ever in a bad mood? "I'm sorry for interrupting you. I just wanted you to know that Luka is settled in and was asking about you."
"Oh, um, thanks." I force a small smile. "How is he doing?"
"Better." Gillian nods. "John saved him you know. We were told it would be impossible to find the body, but John wouldn't take that as an answer. He just kept looking. He's a great man."
I manage to shrug and smile, not sure exactly what message this is sending to my present company. The truth is that there's no answer to the her statement. The look on her face is a look of almost affection and I wonder if there was something between her and Carter at some point. Obviously she is with Luka now, but I don't know how long they have been together.
"Well I'm going to go back upstairs. Everyone has been so nice here, coming to visit Luka. I hope you will too." She smiles again and turns around and goes back towards the elevators. I glance at my watch and realize I'm still on for another hour and a half. The door to the lounge is about three feet away from me and the sofa in there is calling my name. After taking a quick look around to make sure no one is noticing my disappearing act, I jump into the room and collapse into the soft chair. As I let out a loud groan, I hear soft laughter and quickly open my eyes and see Susan standing by her locker.
"Don't laugh. Today is going down as one of the worst days of my life."
"Why?" She asks as she shuts the locker and leans against it.
"You haven't heard?"
"Heard what?" The look on her face tells me that this is a genuine answer and she honestly has no idea what I'm talking about.
"I got a letter this morning courtesy of Gillian." I'm sorry, I just can't help rolling my eyes when I say her name.
"From Carter?"
"Yeah."
"What'd it say?"
"Here." I pull the now wrinkled piece of paper out of my pocket as she walks over to me and takes it when I hand it to her. She sits on the edge of the table and silently reads it. I watch as her eyes get wide and her mouth forms a large "O."
"Please don't tell me this is for real?" She finally says when she finishes. "What is he thinking?"
"Does it matter?" I snap and then feel guilty and soften a little. "Look, I don't care. We fizzled out anyway, it was time for one of us to just break it off."
"Abby, you don't really mean that. I mean, he showed me the ring, he was going to propose."
"But he didn't." My lips are pressed together and I suddenly feel emotionally drained. "It's fine. We were already pretty much over when he came back before. He gave me back his key to my apartment. Let him stay in Africa if that's what he wants."
"When are you off?"
"A little over an hour."
"Well let's do something after. Get dinner, curse off men, something like that."
"No, I think I'm just going to go home and take a long bath and get lots of sleep."
"Okay, well I'm off now, but call me if you need company."
"Thanks Susan." She leaves and I am left with my own thoughts again. Of course that doesn't last long because a med student comes running in a couple moments later, needing help with an unruly patient. Sixty minutes more. Then I can go home.
NOTES: Chapter 2 please review! Haha - get it? It rhymes.yea well. It's late and I need sleep. Chapter 3 should be up sometime later this week, but don't hold your breath because I have the PSAT on Tuesday and it's Homecoming week, which basically means partying all week so it might not get posted til this weekend. Depends on how many after parties I go to. Hehehe. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Abby,
By the time you read this letter, Luka should be safe in America and you will probably be wondering why I'm not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this that you're going to think that's a breakup cliché, but if you could just try and hold back your judgment - and your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I'm trying to say. Being here has changed me in ways I never imagined. It put everything in perspective. County, Gamma's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy, muddled. And in the Congo, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.
You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable and safe, and I don't know, stable - but I don't think that that's what you really want. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being.sorry, I'm rambling.
I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly, there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. Eric's disease, your mother. Your life is complicated, and I didn't fit into that mix very well, did I? I tired to help, but then when I needed you.I don't know.
The light is dying. I don't want to waste any more kerosene.
I don't know how long I'm going to end up staying here. Don't wait for me.
I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.
Love,
Carter
"So, have you seen Luka yet?" A voice interrupts my thought process, or lack there of as I finished reading the letter on the bench outside the ER entrance.
"Uh, no, not yet." I quickly fold the letter up and stick it in my pocket. "I've been stuck in triage all morning."
"Wow, someone really doesn't like you."
"Yeah, I can't decide who I dislike more, Weaver or Romano. Romano cut back shifts for the nurses and they're all pissed."
"I know. I saw Haleh and Chuny about ten minutes ago. They were fuming." Susan nods in agreement. I know this is going to be a long day considering it's only ten and I feel like I've been awake for hours and hours. I met Gillian about twenty minutes ago. I guess that's what Carter meant when he said that Luka was more than fine. Was that really only a week ago?
"Hello? Earth to Abby!" Susan interrupts my thoughts once again and I snap out of my bubble. "Are you okay?"
"Uh, not really."
"Want to talk about it?" She has a look of genuine concern on her face and I realize I must look like shit. I hesitate for a second, thinking maybe if I tell her it will make it a little better, but then I change my mind and quickly shake my head. Suddenly, both our beepers go off simultaneously. "Ugh, do they not realize we're standing right outside? Stay out here, I'll go see what's going on."
Susan walks back through the doors and I lose myself in my own thought again. How could one piece of paper hurt so much? Of course it wasn't the paper that hurt so much, it was the words that he had written. He had lied when he said his leaving wasn't about her. Obviously his excursion was some desperate need to get away from her. I shouldn't have let myself love him so much. If I hadn't loved him so much, it wouldn't have hurt this bad.
"Abby, Romano is looking for you." Frank bustles through the door and marches towards me. I roll my eyes and stand up, pulling the piece of paper out of my pocket and crumbling it in my hand. Sayonara John Carter, I think to myself as I walk towards the emergency room doors. I throw it towards the trash can as I go back into the hospital.
*Several Hours Later*
I have this horrible feeling that everyone around me knows something I don't. For one thing, Malik said the word unfettered, which is not in his usual vocabulary. I've heard the word somewhere else today too, which is a little odd. Oh shit! It suddenly hits me. Carter's letter. Carter used the word unfettered. We both know we would work better unfettered. But how could Malik have read the letter? I threw it into the trash can. Wait a second, Frank was still outside when I came back in. But would he really stoop so low as to dig through a garbage can? I storm out of the lounge towards the front desk determined to get this solved right now.
"Frank!" I bellow as I get nearer. There is a crowd gathered around the desk clerk, even though they seem to move away as they hear me approach. If I'm not mistaken, there's a rustle of paper behind Frank's back as well. "What is that?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I know you have my letter and you are going to give it back to me right now!" I growl and stand with one hand on my hip and the other reached towards him. "Give it to me now!"
"And we were just getting to the good part." A snide voice commented and I whip around to see Romano in his one armed glory standing by the board. "I have to say, I've been having a pretty shitty day, but this just makes me feel that much better."
The look of disgust I give him must be extremely frightening because he gives me a scared look before rushing away to a patient. I march up to Frank and snatch the piece of paper out of his hands and fold it as fast as I can and stick it back in my pocket.
"I can't believe all of you. Don't you have anything better to do with your lives that make mine a living hell?" I wasn't really expecting a response to this outburst. They give me sheepish looks and hurry off to patients as well. I close my eyes and bang my hands on the desk and groan. "I hate my life!"
"It can't be that bad." An unfamiliar voice comments. I look up confused, only to find the face of Gillian smiling back at me. Is this woman ever in a bad mood? "I'm sorry for interrupting you. I just wanted you to know that Luka is settled in and was asking about you."
"Oh, um, thanks." I force a small smile. "How is he doing?"
"Better." Gillian nods. "John saved him you know. We were told it would be impossible to find the body, but John wouldn't take that as an answer. He just kept looking. He's a great man."
I manage to shrug and smile, not sure exactly what message this is sending to my present company. The truth is that there's no answer to the her statement. The look on her face is a look of almost affection and I wonder if there was something between her and Carter at some point. Obviously she is with Luka now, but I don't know how long they have been together.
"Well I'm going to go back upstairs. Everyone has been so nice here, coming to visit Luka. I hope you will too." She smiles again and turns around and goes back towards the elevators. I glance at my watch and realize I'm still on for another hour and a half. The door to the lounge is about three feet away from me and the sofa in there is calling my name. After taking a quick look around to make sure no one is noticing my disappearing act, I jump into the room and collapse into the soft chair. As I let out a loud groan, I hear soft laughter and quickly open my eyes and see Susan standing by her locker.
"Don't laugh. Today is going down as one of the worst days of my life."
"Why?" She asks as she shuts the locker and leans against it.
"You haven't heard?"
"Heard what?" The look on her face tells me that this is a genuine answer and she honestly has no idea what I'm talking about.
"I got a letter this morning courtesy of Gillian." I'm sorry, I just can't help rolling my eyes when I say her name.
"From Carter?"
"Yeah."
"What'd it say?"
"Here." I pull the now wrinkled piece of paper out of my pocket as she walks over to me and takes it when I hand it to her. She sits on the edge of the table and silently reads it. I watch as her eyes get wide and her mouth forms a large "O."
"Please don't tell me this is for real?" She finally says when she finishes. "What is he thinking?"
"Does it matter?" I snap and then feel guilty and soften a little. "Look, I don't care. We fizzled out anyway, it was time for one of us to just break it off."
"Abby, you don't really mean that. I mean, he showed me the ring, he was going to propose."
"But he didn't." My lips are pressed together and I suddenly feel emotionally drained. "It's fine. We were already pretty much over when he came back before. He gave me back his key to my apartment. Let him stay in Africa if that's what he wants."
"When are you off?"
"A little over an hour."
"Well let's do something after. Get dinner, curse off men, something like that."
"No, I think I'm just going to go home and take a long bath and get lots of sleep."
"Okay, well I'm off now, but call me if you need company."
"Thanks Susan." She leaves and I am left with my own thoughts again. Of course that doesn't last long because a med student comes running in a couple moments later, needing help with an unruly patient. Sixty minutes more. Then I can go home.