TITLE: Rapid Hope Loss
NOTES: If you haven't figured it out yet, all the chapter titled are Dashboard Confessional songs.so yeah, that's where the titles are coming from. The lyrics are at the end of the story. This last week was totally hectic and as long as it has taken me to write this chapter, it's gonna take me longer to get the reviews from the last two weeks episodes onto my site, so if you go over there, please be patient! Until then, enjoy this story and please review to let me know what you think. Next chapter will be up ASAP.
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*One and a half hours later*
I thought this moment would never happen. I've finally just stepped into my apartment after what has been, literally, the day from hell. Trust me, I've had bad days before. My mother has shown up off her meds, I've caught my husband in bed with another woman, I've been beaten up, yet today seemed to top it all. I don't know how I manage to make it into the bathroom. I'm shedding clothing through the apartment as I go so that I can just go straight into the tub. A couple minutes later, the tub is full of warm water and I gently step in.
As I sink into the water, I glide over to the other side of the bath tub where my stereo is sitting up on a ledge. I press CD 1 and crank up the volume then go back to the other side and close my eyes. The music echoes through the room and I slip deeper into the water. I suddenly hear the phone ringing in the other room, but I decide to ignore it and go completely under the water to tune everything out.
When I come back up, the ringing has stopped. The song is still playing however, and I listen to the words. It's weird that they seem to relate to my life right now, but this band usually always does. I keep telling myself that I'm better off without Carter. It doesn't seem to hurt quite as much if I think that. All day I've been subject to these pitied glances or whispered conversations that come to a halt when I get close. Even Romano saw that damn letter. And then I saw Luka and for some reason it made me feel better. Partly because up until a couple of days ago I thought he was dead.
I don't know how much time goes by that I just lie here and stare up at my ceiling. I soon realize that the water is getting cooler, so I step out of the tub, grab a towel, and wrap it around myself. Positioning the towel under one arm, I maneuver my hands to tie my hair up into a ponytail. I walk into the kitchen and see the red flashing light telling me that whoever called before left me a message. I hit the play button as I grab a glass from a cabinet and fill it with water.
"Hi Sweetie, it's me." My mother's voice projects through the apartment. "I was just checking in and seeing how you were. You're probably at the hospital. Anyways, I wanted to let you know Eric and I are going on a little road trip for a few days. I'm not sure where we're going, I guess we'll just pack up and drive in one direction. Okay honey, Eric is calling me so I have to go. I'll talk to you later. I love you."
I roll my eyes at the machine as I press the delete button. Why does it seem like everyone around me is doing what they really want to be doing? Carter wanted to go to Africa so he just left. Maggie always does whatever the hell she feels like doing spur of the moment. Where does this leave me? Maybe she was right when she told me I need to stop living my life on the sidelines. Susan's offer from a few days ago jumps into my head. I've always thought about going back to med school, but something always seemed to come up. Or maybe I subconsciously didn't think I would be able to do it. What's stopping me now though? No boyfriend, no psychotic mother, just myself, which is usually the biggest problem at all.
The phone rings again, and this time I answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey Abby, it's me."
"Hey Susan."
"Whatcha doin?"
"Just got out of the bath. Why?" I ask, walking towards the sofa.
"I'm bored."
"Where's Chuck?" I reach the sofa and sit down, setting my feet on the coffee table as I sit.
"Working." I can hear her sigh on the other end.
"Well what do you want to do?" I finally respond and can hear her sigh again. I know she already has a plan and I know that she's already thought of a way to get me to go with whatever she's planned.
"I want to go out. We haven't done anything fun in a while. Well we've done ice cream and TV night, but we haven't really gone out since before Car.for a while." Nice save Susan, I think to myself.
"Where are you thinking?"
"That new club downtown. You know, the one I was telling you about last week." Susan pauses for a moment before continuing. "You don't have to go if you don't want to. It's just it's like we hardly see each other anymore."
"Uh, Susan, we see each other all the time, we work together."
"Come on, you know what I mean."
"Fine. What time?"
"You're the best! How about I come get you at 11?"
"What time is it now? I don't have my watch on."
"9:30."
"Okay, I'll see you when you get here."
"This is going to be so much fun! I mean it!"
"Okay, bye."
"Bye!" I hang up as she squeals and I have to smile. Maybe going out will do me some good. Susan's right, we haven't done anything like this in ages and I need to get Carter out of my system. I suddenly wonder what Carter is doing right now, off in Africa. I think back to the letter and wonder what were his thoughts when he sat down to write it. The one part that is so much of a joke to me is where he said "when we were just friends, it was safe." I don't remember any part of our relationship in the past three years ever being safe.
He was a recovering drug addict, I was a recovering alcoholic. He was stabbed, I was divorced, he went through family issues, and I am the poster child for family issues. Even when I was going out with Luka, he was my friend and even though for a while I might have thought that was safe, it all changed that day at the bench when he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. We were never the same after that, I looked at him in a different light that definitely didn't signal safe. I was afraid that it might be a good thing and as I always am, I was convinced I would end up hurt. And hear I am, many months later, hurt.
"Snap out of it Abby." I mentally yell at myself and stand up. I look at the clock in the kitchen and realize it is now 9:45 and I need to get dressed and blow-dry my hair. I unwrap the towel from my body and go into the bedroom. I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and stop and look at my face for a moment. It's still the same as it's been lately, bags under my eyes courtesy of taking too many shifts, a couple wrinkles starting to form in the corner of my eyes.
"Come on." I growl at myself again and run my hand through my hair. I will have a good time tonight and I will not think of John Carter anymore.
You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.
Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.
So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me.
You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long
to show yourself.
Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.
So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me.
NOTES: If you haven't figured it out yet, all the chapter titled are Dashboard Confessional songs.so yeah, that's where the titles are coming from. The lyrics are at the end of the story. This last week was totally hectic and as long as it has taken me to write this chapter, it's gonna take me longer to get the reviews from the last two weeks episodes onto my site, so if you go over there, please be patient! Until then, enjoy this story and please review to let me know what you think. Next chapter will be up ASAP.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*One and a half hours later*
I thought this moment would never happen. I've finally just stepped into my apartment after what has been, literally, the day from hell. Trust me, I've had bad days before. My mother has shown up off her meds, I've caught my husband in bed with another woman, I've been beaten up, yet today seemed to top it all. I don't know how I manage to make it into the bathroom. I'm shedding clothing through the apartment as I go so that I can just go straight into the tub. A couple minutes later, the tub is full of warm water and I gently step in.
As I sink into the water, I glide over to the other side of the bath tub where my stereo is sitting up on a ledge. I press CD 1 and crank up the volume then go back to the other side and close my eyes. The music echoes through the room and I slip deeper into the water. I suddenly hear the phone ringing in the other room, but I decide to ignore it and go completely under the water to tune everything out.
When I come back up, the ringing has stopped. The song is still playing however, and I listen to the words. It's weird that they seem to relate to my life right now, but this band usually always does. I keep telling myself that I'm better off without Carter. It doesn't seem to hurt quite as much if I think that. All day I've been subject to these pitied glances or whispered conversations that come to a halt when I get close. Even Romano saw that damn letter. And then I saw Luka and for some reason it made me feel better. Partly because up until a couple of days ago I thought he was dead.
I don't know how much time goes by that I just lie here and stare up at my ceiling. I soon realize that the water is getting cooler, so I step out of the tub, grab a towel, and wrap it around myself. Positioning the towel under one arm, I maneuver my hands to tie my hair up into a ponytail. I walk into the kitchen and see the red flashing light telling me that whoever called before left me a message. I hit the play button as I grab a glass from a cabinet and fill it with water.
"Hi Sweetie, it's me." My mother's voice projects through the apartment. "I was just checking in and seeing how you were. You're probably at the hospital. Anyways, I wanted to let you know Eric and I are going on a little road trip for a few days. I'm not sure where we're going, I guess we'll just pack up and drive in one direction. Okay honey, Eric is calling me so I have to go. I'll talk to you later. I love you."
I roll my eyes at the machine as I press the delete button. Why does it seem like everyone around me is doing what they really want to be doing? Carter wanted to go to Africa so he just left. Maggie always does whatever the hell she feels like doing spur of the moment. Where does this leave me? Maybe she was right when she told me I need to stop living my life on the sidelines. Susan's offer from a few days ago jumps into my head. I've always thought about going back to med school, but something always seemed to come up. Or maybe I subconsciously didn't think I would be able to do it. What's stopping me now though? No boyfriend, no psychotic mother, just myself, which is usually the biggest problem at all.
The phone rings again, and this time I answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey Abby, it's me."
"Hey Susan."
"Whatcha doin?"
"Just got out of the bath. Why?" I ask, walking towards the sofa.
"I'm bored."
"Where's Chuck?" I reach the sofa and sit down, setting my feet on the coffee table as I sit.
"Working." I can hear her sigh on the other end.
"Well what do you want to do?" I finally respond and can hear her sigh again. I know she already has a plan and I know that she's already thought of a way to get me to go with whatever she's planned.
"I want to go out. We haven't done anything fun in a while. Well we've done ice cream and TV night, but we haven't really gone out since before Car.for a while." Nice save Susan, I think to myself.
"Where are you thinking?"
"That new club downtown. You know, the one I was telling you about last week." Susan pauses for a moment before continuing. "You don't have to go if you don't want to. It's just it's like we hardly see each other anymore."
"Uh, Susan, we see each other all the time, we work together."
"Come on, you know what I mean."
"Fine. What time?"
"You're the best! How about I come get you at 11?"
"What time is it now? I don't have my watch on."
"9:30."
"Okay, I'll see you when you get here."
"This is going to be so much fun! I mean it!"
"Okay, bye."
"Bye!" I hang up as she squeals and I have to smile. Maybe going out will do me some good. Susan's right, we haven't done anything like this in ages and I need to get Carter out of my system. I suddenly wonder what Carter is doing right now, off in Africa. I think back to the letter and wonder what were his thoughts when he sat down to write it. The one part that is so much of a joke to me is where he said "when we were just friends, it was safe." I don't remember any part of our relationship in the past three years ever being safe.
He was a recovering drug addict, I was a recovering alcoholic. He was stabbed, I was divorced, he went through family issues, and I am the poster child for family issues. Even when I was going out with Luka, he was my friend and even though for a while I might have thought that was safe, it all changed that day at the bench when he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. We were never the same after that, I looked at him in a different light that definitely didn't signal safe. I was afraid that it might be a good thing and as I always am, I was convinced I would end up hurt. And hear I am, many months later, hurt.
"Snap out of it Abby." I mentally yell at myself and stand up. I look at the clock in the kitchen and realize it is now 9:45 and I need to get dressed and blow-dry my hair. I unwrap the towel from my body and go into the bedroom. I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and stop and look at my face for a moment. It's still the same as it's been lately, bags under my eyes courtesy of taking too many shifts, a couple wrinkles starting to form in the corner of my eyes.
"Come on." I growl at myself again and run my hand through my hair. I will have a good time tonight and I will not think of John Carter anymore.
You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.
Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.
So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me.
You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long
to show yourself.
Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.
So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now you're gone and it's wasted on me.