Chp 7: Tourniquet
~*~
disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or "My Tourniquet" by Evanescence
Note: Yes, I do use hooks from lots of songs in several of my stories -_- ..I can't help it ^_^ So far I've used Eminem, and some other people and in this chapter I use hooks from two songs so forgive me about that ^_^
~*~
Why won't you see me?
Can't you hear me scream?
I'm right here in front of you
What will it take to make you believe?
You're completely by yourself
Off in your own zone
And yet you'll never truly know
How quiet it is all alone
What are you thinking?
Thinking of yourself?
What about those who love you?
Friends, family, myself
You will never know what it's like
These voices in my head
These constant thoughts that haunt me
Ever wishing for my death
I thought he could sink no lower...I thought I could grow no more hollow than I was..but I was deadly wrong. When he took Sora away that's when he sunk as low as he could go. Even though Sora was only there for the smallest time out of my life..he was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. He was my reason for living...even though if it was only for that time. He made my uncontrollable wanting to die go away. Taking Sora away from me was the worst thing he ever could've done to me. It's even worse than forcing me into this shit in the first place. Now I'm so numb I can't see...everything is blurry, everyone's so fake, everything is changing, there's no one left that's real. My head is constantly spinning and I scream to be saved. I remember when I was little Sora and Riku threw a birthday party for me about four weeks before Kairi came into our lives. I closed my eyes and blew out my candles wishing that everyday would be a party just for me. I should stop wishing all together, because instead of a party I got a life full of emptiness and constantly being alone. I don't want to be alone. When I was small I was never afraid of things like spiders, or bees...I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of having a lifetime of abandonment where everyone has turned their back on me and I'm cast into a world of darkness. That dire fear has become more of a reality than I would've ever imagined. What is left here for me? I think about death so much. I scream at myself and try so hard to think I'm not alone, but I'm just lying to myself. I have to banish these thoughts. I have to find something, anything that will send any kind of feeling through my numb body.
~*~
We were in Hallow Bastion now. We had gathered all of the black hearted ones. I walked down the long, dark halls and into my room, which was even more extravagantly Gothic than my room on the ship. I searched around my room. I knew what I was going to do. I've seen Riku do it. If he can handle it I can. We're both still of the same blood, even though it doesn't seem like it anymore. I walked slowly over one of my drawers and I pulled out a purple, velvet box on the inside. I pulled out the box and took out what was inside, a shiny, silver knife with a serpent as the handle. I wiped the knife clean with my dress and stared at my unfamiliar reflection in the blade. My soft blonde hair replaced with black, my sapphire eyes black as well. My whole world was black. I can close my eyes and see myself sitting in a black house with a black little window, and a black Camero, and everyone and everything I see is black, just like me..inside and outside. I held the knife up to my arm. At first I was scared, I took a few deep breaths and tried to relax. Then I closed my eyes and cut a line into my arm. I screamed, but it was more of an adrenaline scream. I shuddered as I smiled contently. I could finally feel again. I closed my eyes and continued to cut into my skin continuously as blood dripped down my arms and onto the floor. But I just closed my eyes and imagined myself as the sun finally shined down onto my black world.
"I'm not alone...I'm not alone..I'm not alone..."
~*~
I lied down on my bed, my arm wrapped in one of the blankets to keep me from bleeding to death. I was lying in a puddle of my own blood as I fought to keep myself from fainting. I felt like I was going to vomit. I rolled over and I coughed out blood onto the floor. I didn't cry but if I did, my tears probably would've been blood too. My body could now feel again but my mind was empty. I stared blankly at the wall in front of me as my blood dripped onto the floor...not a single thought going through my head. The door to my room opened. I didn't make a single glance toward the Heartless who opened my door but I knew he was there.
"Lord Ansem had demanded to see you my princess," he said. I didn't know who the hell Ansem was, but why should I? Nobody tells me anything.
"Why should I go?" I asked blandly.
"If you don't come he has given me permission to use force." I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever..." I grumbled. What the hell? I have nothing to live for so why not blow all my time with people I've never even met. Besides, maybe I'll see Riku and his guilt will sink in so bad that it'll make HIM wanna cut. I walked slowly down the halls of Hallow Bastion slowly with the Heartless beside me.
"Move faster Princess..." an evil voice whispered. And then I could feel two invisible hands grab my neck. I zoomed as I felt the two hands sling me left and right down the castle hallways. My body came to a screeching halt and I was shoved onto the floor. I got up and wiped the blood off my lip and stood up. This really figures...my world is all blood and darkness now. That's all it is and all it ever will be. My harsh thoughts were put on pause when I opened my eyes and stared at the person who was sitting in the throne before me. He had long platinum hair and hauntingly distant orange eyes. Normally, my hairs would've stood on end as I looked at this man...but I'm the Princess of Heartless..nothing is more evil than me. I simply stared blankly at him. He smiled evilly. He outstretched his hand.
"Come closer to me Princess..." The invisible hands grabbed me once again and forced me forward until I was a few inches in front of him. He examined me and smiled.
"I have done well on my creation..." 'My creation'? What the hell is that supposed to mean?..
"You're hair and eyes have turned black...The true color of a Princess like yourself..." I started to become scared. I had never seen this man before in my entire life, yet he was talking to me as if he knew everything about me. I started to feel afraid. I looked around the room and all the black- hearted ones were staring at me in wonder as this man examined me like a mere puppy. Everyone was staring at me, yet at that moment I had never felt more alone in my entire life. Like I said, I don't want to be alone.
I'm not alone..I'm not alone..
I kept chanting to myself over and over again, but I couldn't erase that fact of my life...it hit me right then. My life is a constant fire.
Watch it burn...watch it burn..
Everything in my life always burns. My friendship with Riku and Sora..Both my mother and my father..and my love for my brother. It all burned..right before my very eyes. Everything I love or care for burns...Why is my life like this? Why is my life one great tragedy fit for Shakespeare? What happened to the lives of those families that live perfectly and never fight and they all love each other and nothing ever goes wrong?...I envy those families and pray that this is all a dream and I will wake up in the arms of my mother again in a house that isn't broken in despair..
I don't want to be alone...
A tear fell from my eyes but no one cared. No one looked up. No one noticed...As I cried softly the man tried to lift up my arm that was covered in a black bandage. I panicked and glued it to my side. He knew I was fighting to not let anyone see my arm and smiled. He pried my arm from my side and started to unwrap the black cloth.
"Don't.." I pleaded as tears streamed down my face. But my plea only made is smile even more evil as he continued to unwrap my tourniquet. Then it dropped it the floor and exposed my eternal womb to the world.
"Well, well...what have we here?" he said as evil danced in his eyes as he glared at my scars. The black-hearted ones stared and smirked, whispering among themselves as they stared at me with hauntingly mocking eyes. I started to breath heavily. I couldn't take this. No one could. I want to die. I've never felt so alone..
In my skin I had carved 'Not Alone'...I started to weep bitterly. The man put his arm on my shoulder and stared into my eyes.
"Oh...you are alone my little Mya..you are so very alone..." I couldn't take it any more I turned around and ran out of the room crying as everyone laughed at me. 'How pathetic she is' they all mocked. 'How hilariously broken is she?' That man laughed the hardest of all of them.
"She's PERFECT!" He yelled over his booming laughter. I could still hear them laughing even though I was running far away..
~*~
I was going insane..I was still running...I could still hear the laughing in my head...it wouldn't stop...please leave me alone...just let me go...
I ran down the dark hallways of Hallow Bastion crying, bleeding, and screaming. My hands gripped my black hair as I was trying to drown out the voices in my head. My blood and tears streamed across the floor. As I was running I started to scream out in all my despair.
"I'M ONLY EIGHT YEARS OLD! I'M JUST A KID! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS DAMNIT?!" It's all moving so fast. My pain is so real. My head is spinning so fast I can't see straight. I was spinning so fast that I stumbled and fell on the floor. I could taste my blood as my lip started to bleed. I pounded my fist onto the ground and cried all my sorrow out. I cried for me, I cried for the pathetic nothingness that I'd become, and I cried for my whole world that had crashed at my feet at Riku's hand.
"Why can't you hear me scream...Is there anybody that can hear me?" I said as tears rolled down my cheek. As I lied in the middle of the hallway, I Looked to my right and saw a room with a balcony looking over the whole castle. I could see the sun rising into the sky. I wiped my tears and stared out at the sun winking at me in deep thought. I wiped the blood from my face and used all my strength to crawl over to the balcony outside.
"Well hopefully there's one person who will listen to me..." I crawled over onto the edge of the balcony, my bloody hands making prints into the tiles. I collapsed onto the balcony deck and stared out at the sun, tears falling from my face. I had never come to Him so desperate like this...so needy..so wanting...But I needed someone right now more than ever. I needed someone to listen. So I closed my eyes and sung out to the lord in prayer
//I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me?
I'm dying, prying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cried for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ?
Tourniquet
My suicide//
I stared out at the sun crying blood. I hoped He had heard me. My black robe flowed in the wind and my black hair swiped past my eyes. I sensed a Heartless come up from behind me.
"What do you want?" I demanded.
"Lord Ansem has sent me to ask if there is anything you need.." I thought about that for a while. I wanted so much. To get out of here...To wake up and find my life the way it was...To have my brother back...But right now there was only one thing that I NEEDED...I stared down at the bleeding message I'd carved into my skin..
"Get me Riku..." The Heartless blinked.
"But Princess...he might not come to you.." I smirked evilly.
"Tell him if he doesn't come to me I will kill him..and he knows I can.." The Heartless bowed to me.
"As you wish Princess..." It felt nice to have someone bow to me. And soon I would have Riku at my will to bend and mutilate in anyway I wanted...just as I did to Sora. I closed my eyes and smiled as I stroked my arm...
"I'm not alone...I'm not alone...I'm not alone..."
*
*
*
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hey y'all! Sorry that took so long...once again I had band issues...You know whenever I see that song I can see Mya crawling out onto the balcony and her face staring through the stone banister as she cries with her black robe and hair flowing in the wind praying that song to God. Y'all should try it and see if you can see it too. Well thatz all 4 now..Plez R/R!!! ^_^
Peace Out,
Kia Saphia
~*~
disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or "My Tourniquet" by Evanescence
Note: Yes, I do use hooks from lots of songs in several of my stories -_- ..I can't help it ^_^ So far I've used Eminem, and some other people and in this chapter I use hooks from two songs so forgive me about that ^_^
~*~
Why won't you see me?
Can't you hear me scream?
I'm right here in front of you
What will it take to make you believe?
You're completely by yourself
Off in your own zone
And yet you'll never truly know
How quiet it is all alone
What are you thinking?
Thinking of yourself?
What about those who love you?
Friends, family, myself
You will never know what it's like
These voices in my head
These constant thoughts that haunt me
Ever wishing for my death
I thought he could sink no lower...I thought I could grow no more hollow than I was..but I was deadly wrong. When he took Sora away that's when he sunk as low as he could go. Even though Sora was only there for the smallest time out of my life..he was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. He was my reason for living...even though if it was only for that time. He made my uncontrollable wanting to die go away. Taking Sora away from me was the worst thing he ever could've done to me. It's even worse than forcing me into this shit in the first place. Now I'm so numb I can't see...everything is blurry, everyone's so fake, everything is changing, there's no one left that's real. My head is constantly spinning and I scream to be saved. I remember when I was little Sora and Riku threw a birthday party for me about four weeks before Kairi came into our lives. I closed my eyes and blew out my candles wishing that everyday would be a party just for me. I should stop wishing all together, because instead of a party I got a life full of emptiness and constantly being alone. I don't want to be alone. When I was small I was never afraid of things like spiders, or bees...I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of having a lifetime of abandonment where everyone has turned their back on me and I'm cast into a world of darkness. That dire fear has become more of a reality than I would've ever imagined. What is left here for me? I think about death so much. I scream at myself and try so hard to think I'm not alone, but I'm just lying to myself. I have to banish these thoughts. I have to find something, anything that will send any kind of feeling through my numb body.
~*~
We were in Hallow Bastion now. We had gathered all of the black hearted ones. I walked down the long, dark halls and into my room, which was even more extravagantly Gothic than my room on the ship. I searched around my room. I knew what I was going to do. I've seen Riku do it. If he can handle it I can. We're both still of the same blood, even though it doesn't seem like it anymore. I walked slowly over one of my drawers and I pulled out a purple, velvet box on the inside. I pulled out the box and took out what was inside, a shiny, silver knife with a serpent as the handle. I wiped the knife clean with my dress and stared at my unfamiliar reflection in the blade. My soft blonde hair replaced with black, my sapphire eyes black as well. My whole world was black. I can close my eyes and see myself sitting in a black house with a black little window, and a black Camero, and everyone and everything I see is black, just like me..inside and outside. I held the knife up to my arm. At first I was scared, I took a few deep breaths and tried to relax. Then I closed my eyes and cut a line into my arm. I screamed, but it was more of an adrenaline scream. I shuddered as I smiled contently. I could finally feel again. I closed my eyes and continued to cut into my skin continuously as blood dripped down my arms and onto the floor. But I just closed my eyes and imagined myself as the sun finally shined down onto my black world.
"I'm not alone...I'm not alone..I'm not alone..."
~*~
I lied down on my bed, my arm wrapped in one of the blankets to keep me from bleeding to death. I was lying in a puddle of my own blood as I fought to keep myself from fainting. I felt like I was going to vomit. I rolled over and I coughed out blood onto the floor. I didn't cry but if I did, my tears probably would've been blood too. My body could now feel again but my mind was empty. I stared blankly at the wall in front of me as my blood dripped onto the floor...not a single thought going through my head. The door to my room opened. I didn't make a single glance toward the Heartless who opened my door but I knew he was there.
"Lord Ansem had demanded to see you my princess," he said. I didn't know who the hell Ansem was, but why should I? Nobody tells me anything.
"Why should I go?" I asked blandly.
"If you don't come he has given me permission to use force." I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever..." I grumbled. What the hell? I have nothing to live for so why not blow all my time with people I've never even met. Besides, maybe I'll see Riku and his guilt will sink in so bad that it'll make HIM wanna cut. I walked slowly down the halls of Hallow Bastion slowly with the Heartless beside me.
"Move faster Princess..." an evil voice whispered. And then I could feel two invisible hands grab my neck. I zoomed as I felt the two hands sling me left and right down the castle hallways. My body came to a screeching halt and I was shoved onto the floor. I got up and wiped the blood off my lip and stood up. This really figures...my world is all blood and darkness now. That's all it is and all it ever will be. My harsh thoughts were put on pause when I opened my eyes and stared at the person who was sitting in the throne before me. He had long platinum hair and hauntingly distant orange eyes. Normally, my hairs would've stood on end as I looked at this man...but I'm the Princess of Heartless..nothing is more evil than me. I simply stared blankly at him. He smiled evilly. He outstretched his hand.
"Come closer to me Princess..." The invisible hands grabbed me once again and forced me forward until I was a few inches in front of him. He examined me and smiled.
"I have done well on my creation..." 'My creation'? What the hell is that supposed to mean?..
"You're hair and eyes have turned black...The true color of a Princess like yourself..." I started to become scared. I had never seen this man before in my entire life, yet he was talking to me as if he knew everything about me. I started to feel afraid. I looked around the room and all the black- hearted ones were staring at me in wonder as this man examined me like a mere puppy. Everyone was staring at me, yet at that moment I had never felt more alone in my entire life. Like I said, I don't want to be alone.
I'm not alone..I'm not alone..
I kept chanting to myself over and over again, but I couldn't erase that fact of my life...it hit me right then. My life is a constant fire.
Watch it burn...watch it burn..
Everything in my life always burns. My friendship with Riku and Sora..Both my mother and my father..and my love for my brother. It all burned..right before my very eyes. Everything I love or care for burns...Why is my life like this? Why is my life one great tragedy fit for Shakespeare? What happened to the lives of those families that live perfectly and never fight and they all love each other and nothing ever goes wrong?...I envy those families and pray that this is all a dream and I will wake up in the arms of my mother again in a house that isn't broken in despair..
I don't want to be alone...
A tear fell from my eyes but no one cared. No one looked up. No one noticed...As I cried softly the man tried to lift up my arm that was covered in a black bandage. I panicked and glued it to my side. He knew I was fighting to not let anyone see my arm and smiled. He pried my arm from my side and started to unwrap the black cloth.
"Don't.." I pleaded as tears streamed down my face. But my plea only made is smile even more evil as he continued to unwrap my tourniquet. Then it dropped it the floor and exposed my eternal womb to the world.
"Well, well...what have we here?" he said as evil danced in his eyes as he glared at my scars. The black-hearted ones stared and smirked, whispering among themselves as they stared at me with hauntingly mocking eyes. I started to breath heavily. I couldn't take this. No one could. I want to die. I've never felt so alone..
In my skin I had carved 'Not Alone'...I started to weep bitterly. The man put his arm on my shoulder and stared into my eyes.
"Oh...you are alone my little Mya..you are so very alone..." I couldn't take it any more I turned around and ran out of the room crying as everyone laughed at me. 'How pathetic she is' they all mocked. 'How hilariously broken is she?' That man laughed the hardest of all of them.
"She's PERFECT!" He yelled over his booming laughter. I could still hear them laughing even though I was running far away..
~*~
I was going insane..I was still running...I could still hear the laughing in my head...it wouldn't stop...please leave me alone...just let me go...
I ran down the dark hallways of Hallow Bastion crying, bleeding, and screaming. My hands gripped my black hair as I was trying to drown out the voices in my head. My blood and tears streamed across the floor. As I was running I started to scream out in all my despair.
"I'M ONLY EIGHT YEARS OLD! I'M JUST A KID! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS DAMNIT?!" It's all moving so fast. My pain is so real. My head is spinning so fast I can't see straight. I was spinning so fast that I stumbled and fell on the floor. I could taste my blood as my lip started to bleed. I pounded my fist onto the ground and cried all my sorrow out. I cried for me, I cried for the pathetic nothingness that I'd become, and I cried for my whole world that had crashed at my feet at Riku's hand.
"Why can't you hear me scream...Is there anybody that can hear me?" I said as tears rolled down my cheek. As I lied in the middle of the hallway, I Looked to my right and saw a room with a balcony looking over the whole castle. I could see the sun rising into the sky. I wiped my tears and stared out at the sun winking at me in deep thought. I wiped the blood from my face and used all my strength to crawl over to the balcony outside.
"Well hopefully there's one person who will listen to me..." I crawled over onto the edge of the balcony, my bloody hands making prints into the tiles. I collapsed onto the balcony deck and stared out at the sun, tears falling from my face. I had never come to Him so desperate like this...so needy..so wanting...But I needed someone right now more than ever. I needed someone to listen. So I closed my eyes and sung out to the lord in prayer
//I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
Do you remember me?
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me?
I'm dying, prying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cried for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ?
Tourniquet
My suicide//
I stared out at the sun crying blood. I hoped He had heard me. My black robe flowed in the wind and my black hair swiped past my eyes. I sensed a Heartless come up from behind me.
"What do you want?" I demanded.
"Lord Ansem has sent me to ask if there is anything you need.." I thought about that for a while. I wanted so much. To get out of here...To wake up and find my life the way it was...To have my brother back...But right now there was only one thing that I NEEDED...I stared down at the bleeding message I'd carved into my skin..
"Get me Riku..." The Heartless blinked.
"But Princess...he might not come to you.." I smirked evilly.
"Tell him if he doesn't come to me I will kill him..and he knows I can.." The Heartless bowed to me.
"As you wish Princess..." It felt nice to have someone bow to me. And soon I would have Riku at my will to bend and mutilate in anyway I wanted...just as I did to Sora. I closed my eyes and smiled as I stroked my arm...
"I'm not alone...I'm not alone...I'm not alone..."
*
*
*
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hey y'all! Sorry that took so long...once again I had band issues...You know whenever I see that song I can see Mya crawling out onto the balcony and her face staring through the stone banister as she cries with her black robe and hair flowing in the wind praying that song to God. Y'all should try it and see if you can see it too. Well thatz all 4 now..Plez R/R!!! ^_^
Peace Out,
Kia Saphia