They were informed that filming would resume in a few seconds. The remaining players prepared for round two of… the WEAKEST LINK! Ah man! Now I'm doing it.
"Welcome back to the WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei shouted at the camera. "Let's begin round two. We will start with the strongest link from the last round… that's Trowa." He paused for good measure… or perhaps he just didn't have a new insult prepared. "Start the clock!"
Q. Trowa, what is the name of the Cape at the southernmost tip of Africa?
A. Cape Alguhas.
Wufei: That's correct. ($1,000)
Q. Quatre, how many cows does it take to supply the NFL in footballs for one year?
Quatre: !?!?! What happens to the cows?! What do they have to do with football, they can't play! (tears well in his eyes with a sudden realization) It can't be!
Wufei: That is completely incorrect! STUPID IDIOT! The answer is approximately 3,000 cows.
Quatre: But what happens to those 3,000 cows?! (oblivious that he is interrupting the flow of the game)
Wufei: That doesn't matter, WEAKLING!
Quatre: I can take it… somebody please tell me!
Trowa glances at Quatre. "I don't think you want to know, Quatre."
Quatre returned the glance. "I must know! What in heaven's name do cows have to do with the NFL?"
Duo starts chuckling, which gets Hilde going.
"You don't want to hear this." Trowa insisted. "It would upset you. And if you're upset, everybody's upset."
"You people don't have to protect me! I can't believe you won't tell me about the cows!!"
Trowa sighed miserably. "Fine. The footballs are made out of the cows." And with that, he returned to his solitary world.
Quatre's eyes grew wider and wider as the fact became clear. He envisioned cows being driven into a slaughtering pen, only to return into the world as a sports ball. And then he pictured large football players kicking full sized cows around a football field. And the cows were all mooing and had big sad eyes. "Nooooooooo!" Quatre broke down and fell out of sight.
"Never takes a word of good advice, does he?" Duo smirked.
Q. Duo, how many bones are there in the inner ear?
A. It depends on how many pieces they're broken into. (said very matter-of-factly)
Wufei: ?? A broken bone does not count as more than one bone. ($0) The answer is three, bonehead, though you might have a few extras.
Q. Hilde, in Greek mythology, who were the god Zeus' parents?
A. Eh… Cronos and Rhea?
Wufei: Correct. ($1,000)
Q. Zechs, why is the sky blue?
A. (wonders for a moment if that is a rhetorical question) Because… blue wavelengths are smaller than other colors.
Wufei: Yes. ($2,000)
Q. Dorothy-
Dorothy: BANK!! Blow up the bank! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Wufei: (looks confused) Of all the planets in this solar system, which is the largest?
A. Whichever one withstands the most explosions without losing mass.
Wufei: (hits his forehead) NO! It's JUPITER!
Q. Trowa, what is the square root of negative one?
A. That is undefined. (Trowa looks a little sleepy.)
Wufei: That is absolutely right. ($3,000)
Q. Quatre-
Quatre: (nowhere in sight) Bank! Boohoohhoooooocows.
Wufei: What was the last animal to be tamed as a food source?
A. Ooooooh, the poor cows… (sobs uncontrollably)
Wufei: (almost impressed) That's right! Cows is the answer! ($4,000)
Quatre: WHAT!?!?!?!?!? Food source? We eat FOOTBALLS?
Q. Duo-
Duo: Bank.
Wufei: In which Dr. Suess book did the word 'nerd' first appear?
A. Oh! That's my favorite one! If I Ran the Zoo!
Wufei: You read that crap? Oh well, that's the right answer. ($5,000)
Q. Hilde-
Hilde: BANK! (Long buzzer sounds.)
"And time is over for this round!" Wufei clasps his hands together. "You managed to bank a miserable $5,000. That is of course out of a possible $125,000. Do I even have to tell you all how ROTTEN that is?"
Shameful feelings abound. "We tried." Hilde fumed. "You're just mean."
"We'll see who's mean after you people vote off… the WEAKEST LINK! Begin voting NOW!"
Again, everybody consumed their selves in condemning somebody else. The only mutual feeling was that Wufei was being quite horrible today.
"It is time to REVEAL the votes!" Wufei said.
Zechs: Quatre.
Dorothy: Quatre, you should be stabbed!
Trowa: Duo. (is Trowa concerned about that bet?)
Quatre: (his screen reads: SAVE THE COWS)
Wufei: I'm accepting that as a vote for Quatre.
Duo: Trowa. (looking sly)
Hilde: Trowa. (obviously in cahoots with Duo)
The lighting in the room changed abruptly, after the votes were tallied. Wufei looked at everybody through narrowed eyes (doesn't Wufei always have narrowed eyes?) "Quatre, what is wrong with you? Do you realize you've voted for yourself every chance this game?"
Quatre looked defiant. "We must save the cows! I'm going to start an extensive campaign, and this is a perfect way to spread the word." He waved at the camera seriously.
"You have feelings for worthless heifers, but not for any of our sanity. You realize watching you compete is sheer torture. You should go join the cows in their natural habitat."
Quatre looks inspired.
"ARGH!" Wufei groaned. "Voting for Quatre are you Zechs?"
Zechs looked stunned at the attention. "Who me?"
"You're very good at answering a question with a question, aren't you? Why Quatre?"
"Nothing personal." Zechs notices Quatre's 'big sad look.' "But he's FREAKING ANNOYING!"
"Well said." Wufei nodded. "Quatre you ARE the WEAKEST LINK! Goodbye."
Quatre walked the shameful path, all the while petitioning members of the audience to join his anti-NFL group. "I say we jail anybody with wide shoulders on the suspicion of cow-kicking!!!"
His backstage interview was equally interesting. "I know that together we can save these innocents from slaughter! WE CAN SAVE THE COWS! Join me in my quest!"
"And now for a short commercial break from our WEAK SPONSORS!" Wufei winked at the camera hastily.
The commercial break was an opportunity to relax. There was nobody present who didn't feel a little guilty about booting Quatre… except for maybe Dorothy.
"I'll get him," She meant Quatre, of course. "Him and his little cows, too! I'll wage a leather war!"
"Why do you despise him so?" Trowa queried calmly.
"Because he wastes his power and squanders opportunities to unleash some mad violence! He's a total square, man!"
"Square," Duo recited. "A rectangular shape with four equal sides. With the rectangle of course being a quadrilateral with mutual perpendicular axes. A quadrilateral is of course…"
"He's been studying." Hilde confided.
"That's no excuse to hate somebody." Trowa persisted.
"Oh no? Since when did I need a reason… you never do!" Dorothy remarked snidely.
"I have a reason."
"Oh really? Do tell."
"The entire world is a waste of my time, including all it's inhabitants, particulars, etcetera. That's why."
"Oh… I like you, wanna start a war!?"
Trowa gave up.
"Hey Wufei!" Duo called. "Wanna make a bet!?"
Wufei emerges from backstage. "I'm not interested you foolish imbecile."
"Hey man, the camera's not rolling! You should save all those cutting lines for the show! Anyway, wanna make a bet?"
"Like what?"
"If I don't win this game, I'll take everyone up on their bets with me!"
Wufei considered. Heero told Duo to shut up for a year! Oh how nice. Trowa banished Duo to Siberia! Even better. Quatre had him doing cute peace talks… entertaining. "And my own?" Wufei raised an eyebrow.
"Sure, why not?"
"You'll have to eat a Bucket O' Rice™ without gagging once!"
Duo grimaced. He hated rice! "Alright. And if I do win, you have to join Quatre on his cow quest!"
One last consideration. "Done, weakling! That is a bet for men! I will take you down!"
Filming resumed. The reduced group became more suspicious of each other. After all, only one person would be left standing.
Wufei raised his voice shrilly. He began his beginning of round speech when another familiar voice pierced everybody's ears.
"Ah-ha! @^$%@*# There you are, you #*$&!"
"Eh?" Wufei turned around just in time to face an extremely furious hostess… the hostess of the Weakest Link, in fact.
"Get off my stage you #*$&((@^!" She ordered.
"What are you doing here, woman? I thought I got rid of you!"
"What did you do, Wufei?" Dorothy queried. "Because I think I'm going to like the sound of it!"
Wufei shushed her with his hand. "This weak woman doesn't know how to run a simple game show! I locked her in a closet so I could get this job done right!"
A string of profanities emitted from the hostess' mouth.
"Those are WEAK words, woman!"
A better string of profanities emitted from the hostess' mouth. Wufei was knocked down easily.
"Where did you learn to speak that way?" He moaned. "And how did you ever get a show on broadcast television with that vocabulary?"
"I never would host a show with a group of Japanese anime characters, anyway!" The hostess remarked.
"What's an anime?" Zechs asked innocently.
"You are all cartoons!" The hostess replied.
"I'm not a car tune!" Duo was angered. "That's insulting… I assume, since it came from you!"
"We're real people!" Hilde said. "Even though we appear to live in an alternate Universe than this one, and can answer history questions from several centuries beyond our records!"
"You know," Said Dorothy. "This strange theory would explain you people's immortalness. I swear you can't be killed!"
"Call it skill." Trowa was unimpressed.
"This is ridiculous #*&$^!" The hostess stormed. "Have your idiotic competition. @#$^*&@#(*%(#^%*&@$(*@&(^%&#$*@(#&*^%*&^#$(*&@%(*#&($&&%#&$(*&#(*$^#&%^(#&$(*#&$*(^%&(&#(!" And with those last sweet words, she left. Everybody was a little shocked.
"She's mean!" An unexpected conclusion by Trowa.
"Who cares about that stupid woman?" Wufei was still recovering from the barrage of cussing. (Thus the lack of CAPPED words in his statement.) "Let's play the WEAKEST LINK!" (There, that's more like it.)
The round went as expected. Trowa and Hilde seemed to have an edge on the competition, while Duo did some astounding work with random geometry related questions. Zechs seemed preoccupied with Dorothy's insistence of the necessity of bloodshed. In her own words: "Let's just start a massacre right now, okay?"
"And it's time to vote off… THE WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei was looking more exhausted after the recent special guest appearance. "Begin voting."
Zechs: Dorothy… can't you ever STOP?
Dorothy: This is IMPORTANT! Besides, I voted for you. (Her screen displayed Milliardo's name.)
Trowa: Milliardo.
Duo: Trowa.
Hilde: Milliardo.
"Hilde," Wufei yawned. This wasn't so fun anymore. "Why'd you pick Milliardo?"
Hilde shrugged. "I think he should get a haircut."
"And Duo doesn't?"
"No! Duo is rugged! Milliardo looks like a girl!"
"Gasp! That is a low blow woman!" Wufei said. "Dorothy, why Milliardo?"
"He used to be so cool!" Dorothy admitted. "But he hasn't blown anything up in the last ten minutes and that is really uncool."
"WEIRDO! Anyway… Milliardo, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK! Goodbye."
Unconcerned, Zechs exited. His backstage interview was predictable. "Don't really care. I'm going to go blow some stuff up now."
"Those Peacecrafts are so out of character!" Wufei announced. "THEY ARE BOTH THE WEAKEST LINKS! See you after the commercials! Goodbye."
"Soooo, Trowa." Duo relaxed for the break. "Getting nervous about that bet? If you've noticed, I've already won quite a few today."
"…" Trowa looked but said nothing.
"Yeah, be quiet for now, because after you lose, you'll be having that nice long conversation with me… gotta save your strength!"
"Why do you even want to talk with me?"
"Because… because… … … you're… … … …"
"Hn. I agree."
"Because you always make me feel so left out, man! You talk to everybody except me!"
"…"
"SEE!"
"…"
"As a matter of fact… nobody ever chooses to talk to me, do they?" Duo's purple eyes looked really pitiful. "You guys SUCK!"
"Okay fine. That's enough for now."
"I want to talk to you, Duo!" Hilde whined.
"Not now, Hilde."
"But DUO!"
"I'm busy talking to my friend. DO YOU MIND?"
"HEY! Don't talk to me like that!" But Duo chose not to talk to her at all. Hilde fumed inwardly.
"Next round! Start the filming." Wufei was becoming impatient. "Let's GO people, time is money, GO GO GO!" At his request, the cameras began rolling.
"Okay, welcome yada yada yada." Wufei rolled his eyes. "New round, same rules, getting boring, start with strongest link, pay attention you ridiculous slobs. Start the clock!"
Q. Hilde, how many sheets of paper are there in a ream?
A. I don't know.
Wufei: HAHAHAHAHAHHA! There are 500. ($0)
Q. Dorothy, what is two added to two?
A. Four. (gives two peace signs) Four for WAR!
Wufei: That is correct! ($1,000)
Q. Trowa-
Trowa: Bank.
Wufei: What… (dramatic pause) is your name?
Trowa looked shocked. What kind of trivia was this easiness? What a silly question, who doesn't know their own name? Eep. Wait a minute… I am a nameless soldier who has lived on the battlefield for as long as I remember… but that's not the right answer. "…"
Wufei: Don't hold up the team, Einstein.
Okay let's see. Trowa pondered seriously. I'm not Trowa… not No-name… "I don't have a name!"
Wufei: Sure you do. I'll give you a few more seconds.
This is cruel! "Fine. Trowa Barton is my name."
Wufei: WRONG ANSWER! The answer is… Triton Bloom! ($1,000)
Q. Duo-
Trowa interrupted with concern. "WHAT? Did you just make that up?"
Wufei looked exasperated. "Of course not… Triton."
"Triton… Bloom as in…?"
"Yes. That Bloom. As in Catherine Bloom."
Trowa is devastated. "This SUCKS! I am related to that circus freak? OH MY GOSH! Tell me you're kidding."
"It's true." Dorothy confided.
"Yeah!" Said Hilde.
"Well, duh!" Duo snorted.
"You all knew that and you never told me?" Trowa was looking a little emotional. "How'd you find that out?"
"Don't you ever go on the Internet?" Duo asked seriously. "All the official information can be found there! You really didn't know?"
Trowa fell dead silent.
Q. Anyway, Duo, what is your Quest?
A. (a scream from backstage) SAVE THE COWS!!!!
Wufei: That is not your quest, Duo.
Duo: Hey I didn't get to answer myself!
Wufei: Too bad… LOSER! ($1,000)
Q. Hilde, what is your favorite color?
A. Blue…
Wufei: NO IT'S NOT!!!! ($1,000)
Hilde: What? What do you mean it's not? You are bugging out!
Wufei: I am the host. I am always right.
Hilde: So what is my favorite color then?
Wufei: Huh? I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHH (Wufei flies into pit of oblivion ala Monty Python and the Holy Grail)