I wanted him to stay with me that night, even though it may have been
selfish. I just couldn't let him go; let him abandon me. I suppose there
was still a small girl in my heart wanting to be consoled, and yet, there
was also the woman; the woman who loved him so deeply, but regretted never
saying a word.
I gazed over the dark landscape in the cool night. I remember... the way the air was ever so silent. I remember the heavy load of worry, resting like a boulder in the pit of my stomach.
I tried to recall how cute Ayame-Chan and Suzume-Chan were when they made Kenshin promise to come look at the fireflies, but couldn't find solace. All I could recall was seeing how sad their utter innocence was. How long they could only live in an ignorant bliss for so long before they realized that Ken-Ni-Chan was going to leave?
And still, I waited. I waited with the slightest hope in the night that my Kenshin would come and watch the fireflies. I wanted to assure myself that if he came back, it would mean he was staying. Within me I knew it was inevitable, that he would continue his wandering, and couldn't stand it. I wanted him to settle his spirit. I wanted him to be happy, yet part of me wanted me to be happy also... happy with Kenshin.
The fireflies lit and faded, coming and disappearing. One landed beside me on a tree branch, and I admired it's beautiful glow for a moment, before it finally left. Kenshin... why couldn't you let me see your beauty?
I sighed with relief when I finally saw him appear down the path amidst the lazy fireflies. The hazy glow illuminated his face, which held so much importance to me.
That scar, that held potent memories of his days as a Hitokiri, which I was prepared to abandon all thought of for him.
Those gentle eyes that could tell me whether he was ready to be a man or a killer. They revealed what his words were often hiding.
His mouth, the one that he used to smile, whether it was out of sincerity, or with his rurouni disguise; that spoke such sweet words to me, words with hidden meanings that I often never understood. It was those lips that I'd often daydreamed of kissing, when we would make our wedding day vows. I wanted more than anything to be close to him in this way. To know all his pain, and all his true being.
But I saw with the dull light of the firefly, the expression on his face. It was not as I had hoped. He came and spoke to me. The whole time, his voice seemed like merely a background noise. I knew what he was saying. I tried to protest, but I knew his wandering spirit would go in the direction it had decided.
I watched the moving lights glow in his eyes. They seemed so determined, and yet so sad. I felt warmth fill me when he thanked me for all I'd done. For not caring about his past.
My eyes became heavy with tears, and then without warning, he ever so gently wrapped his arms around me. The scent of his kimono, his soft voice whispering thanks into my ear, this was enough for me. I prayed that I could just stay like this for a lifetime. This was enough.
But then the weight in my stomach returned. This embrace could only last so long, and could only be evidence of my worst fears.
"Sayonara." He said, still in his gentle voice. To me, that word always seemed to be such a kind endearing term: 'Farewell'.
Now it was only the signal that my life had been made hollow. It was the bidding of my most loved one that I should stay home while he moved on.
With his goodbye, he turned and left me, a hollow shell of what I had been. To say my heart was shattered wouldn't do justice to the pain I felt.
I fell to my knees. My soul was broken. I huddled with my head on the ground, squeezing my palms together to try to grasp the life that was leaving me. I let my tears flow, cursing Kenshin Himura for doing this.
Hating him...
Loving him...
I remained in paralysis, out of my sorrow and shock. I couldn't stand the fireflies, making a mockery of it all. Continuing their lives as if nothing had happened. Didn't they realize that my world was crumbling? My tears continued to feed the ground, nourishing the soil to begin the cycle of life, now that it seemed mine was over.
And then I realized. The fireflies would return. No matter how many times they dissapeared, they always returned, whether it was the next night, or the next spring. But my body was still frozen, because I needed Kenshin to stay with me and light my heart always.
And I knew I couldn't move on. I could either wait for him, or follow him; my red-headed rurouni. I suppose it was a sort of doom, though not all that bad of one, that I was doomed to go on placing my faith in Kenshin.
That I would go on loving him until the day I died.
That awful... wonderful man.
*
*
* A/N: Thank you for reading. I was watching this episode with Kenshin's farewell and I was so moved by it, and Kaoru's reactions to Kenshin leaving, that I wanted to look deeper into her mind, and how she must have felt.
Please leave your review, and I will be ever so grateful. Ciao! Toby-Chan
I gazed over the dark landscape in the cool night. I remember... the way the air was ever so silent. I remember the heavy load of worry, resting like a boulder in the pit of my stomach.
I tried to recall how cute Ayame-Chan and Suzume-Chan were when they made Kenshin promise to come look at the fireflies, but couldn't find solace. All I could recall was seeing how sad their utter innocence was. How long they could only live in an ignorant bliss for so long before they realized that Ken-Ni-Chan was going to leave?
And still, I waited. I waited with the slightest hope in the night that my Kenshin would come and watch the fireflies. I wanted to assure myself that if he came back, it would mean he was staying. Within me I knew it was inevitable, that he would continue his wandering, and couldn't stand it. I wanted him to settle his spirit. I wanted him to be happy, yet part of me wanted me to be happy also... happy with Kenshin.
The fireflies lit and faded, coming and disappearing. One landed beside me on a tree branch, and I admired it's beautiful glow for a moment, before it finally left. Kenshin... why couldn't you let me see your beauty?
I sighed with relief when I finally saw him appear down the path amidst the lazy fireflies. The hazy glow illuminated his face, which held so much importance to me.
That scar, that held potent memories of his days as a Hitokiri, which I was prepared to abandon all thought of for him.
Those gentle eyes that could tell me whether he was ready to be a man or a killer. They revealed what his words were often hiding.
His mouth, the one that he used to smile, whether it was out of sincerity, or with his rurouni disguise; that spoke such sweet words to me, words with hidden meanings that I often never understood. It was those lips that I'd often daydreamed of kissing, when we would make our wedding day vows. I wanted more than anything to be close to him in this way. To know all his pain, and all his true being.
But I saw with the dull light of the firefly, the expression on his face. It was not as I had hoped. He came and spoke to me. The whole time, his voice seemed like merely a background noise. I knew what he was saying. I tried to protest, but I knew his wandering spirit would go in the direction it had decided.
I watched the moving lights glow in his eyes. They seemed so determined, and yet so sad. I felt warmth fill me when he thanked me for all I'd done. For not caring about his past.
My eyes became heavy with tears, and then without warning, he ever so gently wrapped his arms around me. The scent of his kimono, his soft voice whispering thanks into my ear, this was enough for me. I prayed that I could just stay like this for a lifetime. This was enough.
But then the weight in my stomach returned. This embrace could only last so long, and could only be evidence of my worst fears.
"Sayonara." He said, still in his gentle voice. To me, that word always seemed to be such a kind endearing term: 'Farewell'.
Now it was only the signal that my life had been made hollow. It was the bidding of my most loved one that I should stay home while he moved on.
With his goodbye, he turned and left me, a hollow shell of what I had been. To say my heart was shattered wouldn't do justice to the pain I felt.
I fell to my knees. My soul was broken. I huddled with my head on the ground, squeezing my palms together to try to grasp the life that was leaving me. I let my tears flow, cursing Kenshin Himura for doing this.
Hating him...
Loving him...
I remained in paralysis, out of my sorrow and shock. I couldn't stand the fireflies, making a mockery of it all. Continuing their lives as if nothing had happened. Didn't they realize that my world was crumbling? My tears continued to feed the ground, nourishing the soil to begin the cycle of life, now that it seemed mine was over.
And then I realized. The fireflies would return. No matter how many times they dissapeared, they always returned, whether it was the next night, or the next spring. But my body was still frozen, because I needed Kenshin to stay with me and light my heart always.
And I knew I couldn't move on. I could either wait for him, or follow him; my red-headed rurouni. I suppose it was a sort of doom, though not all that bad of one, that I was doomed to go on placing my faith in Kenshin.
That I would go on loving him until the day I died.
That awful... wonderful man.
*
*
* A/N: Thank you for reading. I was watching this episode with Kenshin's farewell and I was so moved by it, and Kaoru's reactions to Kenshin leaving, that I wanted to look deeper into her mind, and how she must have felt.
Please leave your review, and I will be ever so grateful. Ciao! Toby-Chan