Part 1
Revised
The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me. But heck, you don't have to pay to dream.
Summery: Trinity has a secret, a secret threatening to destroy her. But has she made the right decision to keep it a secret?
Awake.
Trinity blinked groggily, her sleepy eyes adjusting to the dark or her room. What time was it? It certainly was early, judging by the fact that the lights weren't even on yet. A sigh escaped her lips when she felt Neo behind her and snuggled against his warm body. He was the one person that helped her keep her sanity during her time of grief. Along with everyone else accept Siren, their newest recruit, Trinity was still in mourning for the Neb's recent losses. It was in Neo that she found comfort.
But that morning he could do no more than keep her warm. After lying beside him for a few short minutes, she felt her stomach lurch, as if an invisible hand was twisting it tightly. She quickly jumped up and made a mad dash for the toilet. By the time she got there, she could no longer hold it in anymore, and she emptied her stomach into the small, already dirty toilet. She sank down to her knees, feeling sicker than she had ever felt before. What happened? She never got sick. She leaned against the cool wall, taking deep breaths to calm her raging stomach, every so often a cough ripping through the silence.
She jumped when the door creaked open and Neo stepped inside. "Trinity, are you ok?"
He started to kneel down next to her, but Trinity was already on her feet. "I'm fine. I guess I just had too much for dinner." She lied, but she had never been a good liar. Neo always knew.
Neo. Sweet Neo. Gentle, caring Neo. He loved Trinity and she knew it, but she just couldn't accept it. No one had ever loved her like Neo, not even in the Matrix.
'How could anyone love you?' Trinity's inner voice would always argue and it would always win her mental disputes. How could anyone love a heartless murderer? She wasn't entirely heartless; Neo was to blame for that. 'But how can anyone ever love me when I don't even love me?'
"Neo, I'm fine, really."
Neo was still not convinced. He reached out and caressed Trinity's cheek gently, tilting her head up so she was looking at him. "You don't have to lie to me." He was so damn honest! Trinity hated that. But at the same time she loved it. She wasn't making sense anymore. She liked it when Neo was honest to everyone but herself? Why? "Is it something I did? What did I do wrong?"
Trinity put her hand over Neo's and slowly put it back down by Neo's side. "Nothing." She replied softly. "You didn't do anything at all. I just don't want to talk about it." Neo shrugged, trying not to show that he still didn't believe her. Sure, she didn't want to talk about it, but she never wanted to talk about things with Neo. She just kept all her feeling bottled up inside her. Neo knew all too well what happened when one did that, and he was worried that Trinity will soon have to let all those feelings out.
'But you never want to talk about it.' Neo wished he had the courage to say this to Trinity's face, but he also knew for certain that it would hurt her. She never let anyone see how sensitive she really was. She had built this wall around herself to keep anyone else from knowing how she felt. Occasionally, the wall would crack and people would have a brief look at her feelings, like when Neo died, but she always re-built it bigger and stronger than before.
Neo nodded, turned and left without another word, leaving Trinity alone in the toilet stall. Once Neo's footsteps faded away, once he was out of hearing range, Trinity slammed her fist into the wall and sobbed. She ignored the rush of pain that surged through her hand and up her wrist. She needed to fight someone. Maybe a training simulation would help her clear her mind.
She hated seeing Neo like that. She knew he was disappointed and hurt, both feelings that Trinity had felt before in her life, but she couldn't do anything about it without letting her guard down, and in this business that was deadly.
Once she had stopped crying and made sure that her stomach was settled, she got up and went to the galley, where she sat on the bench close to the wall, not eating, not moving. Just thinking. No, not even thinking. Meditating. The pain in her hand subsided. Time seemed to fly by when her mind was in a different place. Whether she fell asleep or not, she couldn't tell. She lost all sense of time and conflict. She was almost at peace. Almost.
Whether it was a few minutes or a few hours later, the lights flickered on, then off, and then back on again. Soon the crew would come in for breakfast. Trinity considered for a moment whether to put a touch of "snot" into a bowl to make it seem like she had already eaten, for she wasn't hungry. But that would be wasting food. One thing Morpheus taught her was never to waste. She had learned her lesson a few years ago due to an even she would rather not remember.
The door opened and in came a bleary-eyed Tank. She acknowledged his presence with a nod.
"What's up, Trinity?" He asked as he sat down beside her. Then he noticed something in her eyes. Pain. It was something he rarely saw in Trinity. "Do you feel ok? You look a little sick."
Trinity shrugged. "I don't really know. I just had an upset stomach this morning, but it's nothing big."
Tank, being the skilled medic he was, continued to question Trinity. He knew that even a minor sickness could worsen into something potentially fatal in the cold of the real world. "Was it just this morning or have you been sick before?"
Trinity mumbled something un-audible, but repeated it when Tank asked her to. "Before. A few mornings."
"You want me to run a few tests? Just to be sure." Tank smiled. He still hadn't lost his loveable cheerfulness, even after the death of his brother. In fact, Tank had been even more cheerful now, even though many times he would fake it. He would fake it to keep the rest of the crew in better spirits. That, he felt, was his duty, despite the pain of his loss.
Trinity nodded, feeling sick again. "Sure."
"Come buy the Med. Bay later on. I'll probably be there. And if you need to talk about anything," His eyes met Trinity's. "You know I'm always here to listen."
Trinity walked down the cold hallways of the Neb on her way to the Med. Bay. She didn't know why she agreed to let Tank test her. She just had an upset stomach and a bit of emotions running haywire, struggling to break free of the cage Trinity had locked them in. She wasn't sick. She didn't get sick.
Tank heard her footsteps and met her at the door. He was smiling, always smiling. "Hey, Trin." Trinity winced slightly as he called her the name was reserved for Neo alone. "You ready?" She nodded and walked inside.
"Tank, please," Trinity begged with fear in her voice, her eyes brimming with tears. "Please, you can't tell anyone. You hear me?"
Tank's face looked grave. "What about later on? A few months later? You're going to have to tell someone."
"No!" Trinity shouted, letting a tear slip down her cheek. "No." She said more calmly. She never shouted at Tank and she shouldn't have.
"Trinity, this isn't the kind of secret to keep. You won't be able to keep it a secret forever."
Trinity wiped her eyes and held up her chin. "Then I'll keep it for as long as I can."
"And Neo?"
Neo. How could she tell Neo? He'd hate her. He'd never forgive her. And if that happened Trinity would never forgive herself either. "Neo doesn't need to know."
Tank shook his head. "God damnit, Trinity, why do you always do this to yourself?" He held up a hand before Trinity could interrupt him. "You shut people out. It's all about you, Trinity. You don't give a damn that other people care for you. All that matters to you is that you make sure they know that they'll never get through to you. Never! Twelve years, Trinity. That's how long I've tried to get through to you, become your friend, help you. I want to help you."
"I don't need anyone's help." Trinity said automatically in a solid, icy tone.
Tank looked into her eyes but she turned away. "Oh, you do. Believe me, you do. I think that's what you need most, Trinity. Help. We all can help you, but you just push us away."
"Stop trying to get involved, Tank." Trinity said as she walked to the door. She turned around to face Tank. "This is between me and Cypher. Cypher's not here anymore; now it's just me." And she walked quickly from the Med. Bay, praying that Tank wouldn't say anything.
"You see that? You. All you! Well out here it's not just you. It's you, and me, and Morpheus and Siren and Neo! He loves you, Trinity. He wants to help, just like all of us."
We want to help…
She stopped and whirled around, her eyes narrowing. "So what do you want me to do, Tank?" She challenged. "You want me to tell Neo? You want me to destroy him? Well if you want his heart broken, his trust destroyed, then be my guest. I'm not telling him anything." And she walked off leaving Tank speechless.
Trinity broke into a run, nearly falling down the ladder as she made her way towards her room. Coming down the hall in the opposite direction walked Morpheus. He opened his mouth to greet Trinity but she pushed past him and ran to her cabin.
"Trinity? Trinity, what is it?" Morpheus turned and headed after Trinity, but she got to her room and locked the large steel door behind her. "Trinity!"
Trinity ignored the pounding on her door as she collapsed onto her bed, sobbing freely. Her cabin was the only place where she could let out her emotions. She rarely let anyone inside, but when she did the visits were short and awkward. She had never been praised for her friendliness, but it didn't really matter to her. She lay sobbing for a while before she heard Morpheus leave her door, leaving her alone.
She rolled onto her back and wiped her eyes with her hand. Tank was right. She did need help more than she knew. She needed to talk to people, to open up, especially to Neo.
But how could she tell Neo that she was pregnant with Cypher's child?