Holding It In

Part 4

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

In This Chapter: Trinity spends some time pondering when some knocking disturbs her thoughts. Hope this makes Chord happy.

Lying on her bed, Trinity stared at the ceiling, metal pipes weaving across it in the dull pattern she had observed every day for the past twelve years. She had memorized almost every aspect of her small room, every mark on the wall, every notch in the floor. To help pass the time when she wasn't working, she would try to remember her life the way it used to be, back when everything was a lie.

The memories of her friends and family had grown dim, like trying to read a book with barely any light. If you squinted your eyes and looked hard enough, you'd see the print, but not without some effort. As much as Trinity didn't want to struggle to remember, she felt like she couldn't let herself forget. What was it that her 10th grade history teacher had told her? The more you remember the bad, the more you can prevent it from happening in the future.

Trinity had to admit, just like everyone else who had been unplugged from the Matrix, that even though it was a lie, she missed it. She missed the grass beneath her feet, the warmth of the sun, the sound of laughter. Laughter was only heard on occasion; almost as if it was done too much it would wear out, like a battery. However much help it may be, you won't always have things – you have to treasure things expecting it will be your last time.

Her life today was never based on tomorrow. Dozer once told her to do things with all her heart, as if it was her last day to live. Never put something off – you might never have the chance to do it. Trinity kept this in mind, though she did not always follow it. No, she rarely followed it. She did things as she pleased, but there came a time when she was torn between what to do. That day in the subway, Trinity was so sure Neo would make it out perfectly safe and she could tell him what she said she would. Well, Neo almost didn't make it.

This memory was one Trinity would never let herself forget, for it proved Dozer was right and she was wrong, a concept that she never did like much. It was her fault. If she hadn't hesitated, she wouldn't have wasted so much time and maybe then they would all have gotten out. But then if that had happened Neo might never have known about her feelings for him. Maybe in some scenarios, delaying was for the best.

Four knocks echoed through the door. Even if he hadn't knocked 'his way' Trinity would have known it was Neo. Just leaving someone alone in the core would cause anybody to want to talk, but what triggered the fourth knock? Why would he want to be with her right now?

'What better way then to find out.' Trinity thought, sitting up in the bed and leaning against the wall. "Come in." She called, her voice dull and monotone. When Neo stepped inside her room, it was as if he had brought the sun with him. His smile was enough to light up any planet. He had an unusual freshness about him that could only be explained by his newfound ability. He shut the door but stood by it, Trinity giving off the impression that she didn't want him around.

"You look happy." She observed, her words void of emotion. Neo shrugged, his smile shrinking to a grin.

"You don't." He leaned back against the wall as Trinity's cheeks flushed a pale pink. "You look upset. Like you did something wrong."

"Damn it, Neo!" Trinity slammed her fist down onto the hard mattress. "Don't act stupid, you know what I did." For many heartbeats Neo remained by the door, his eyes locked with Trinity's, until she turned away and shut them. Slowly, almost afraid of disturbing her, Neo walked over and stood over Trinity, who stayed on the bed.

"I don't think you did anything wrong to me."

Trinity's icy blue eyes met Neo's again, but the anger was replaced by frustration. "But I think I did." She said forcefully. Why did Neo have to do this to her?

Neo sat down and leaned back, shivering as the cold of the wall touched his back like the prick of a needle, the feeling only lasted a second. "If you're talking about before, when I was in the Matrix…" Neo paused, thinking of the right words to say. "It's ok, I'm not mad."

Trinity rested her head gently on Neo's shoulder. "It's not that. It's before…" She shut her eyes and Neo felt her body tense up.

Neo was shocked. How could Trinity think she was guilty for what happened before. "It was a misunderstanding. I thought it was me you were mad at."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

Neo opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. He couldn't prove Trinity wrong, not now at least. All he could do was agree, which he wanted to do more than anything else. Then, maybe, she might forgive him. "I don't know." Trinity remained tense, her eyes on the floor. Neo waited for a response, but it never came. So he rose from the bed. "I'm gonna go, ok?"

"Wait." Trinity reached up and took his hand. Neo observed that her hand was cold, like ice. He had been completely oblivious to it before; Unlike the rest of the people on the ship, who acted as though they were to die tomorrow, Neo didn't pay attention to the little things in life. Instead, he concentrated on the more obvious details. "There's something I want to tell you."

Neo turned around and sat back down on the bed, Trinity's blue eyes were never taken off his. Trinity took a deep, shaky breath, exhaling slowly. "It's important, so please listen." Neo grinned.

"What is it? Is it even anything at all or are you just trying to keep me in suspense?" Trinity shook her head, looking down at her hands. Why was it so hard to just say it? What's the worst he could do? They lived in close quarters - he would find out anyways. He'd be angry if she didn't tell him, but then again he might be angry if she does tell him. Either way, she was screwed - she had to tell him.

"Neo, I'm…"

She had to say it. No more games. Neo's hand wandered across the bed and took hold of hers, but she pulled away.

"Neo, I'm pregnant."

Neither of them moved, the moment hanging frozen in time. Trinity waited for it to come, when Neo could no longer hold in his anger and had to release it. But that never came. Instead, Neo shook his head. "You're pregnant?" He couldn't believe it. Were his ears playing tricks on him or did he actually hear Trinity say she was pregnant?

"That explains everything to you." Trinity had to say something to keep her from releasing another secret. She looked up and saw Neo's face beaming with joy. "I'm a father…" He pulled Trinity close to him, thinking he couldn't have been given this joy from anyone else. "I'm a father."

He tilted Trinity's chin up and kissed her, his beauty, his love. He would want nothing more than to live happily with Trinity for the rest of his days. But he also had a duty to fulfill, a Matrix to destroy.

Trinity let Neo kiss her and didn't protest, she didn't feel anything. She was numb. Neo now believed that it was his child growing inside her when really it was none other than the child of the one that nearly led to their deaths. No matter how much they hated it, Cypher would still live on through Trinity's child. Why couldn't she just tell Neo the truth?

It was hard enough for her to tell him that she was pregnant, it was too late to say it's Cypher's kid. Let him believe it's his kid. She told herself. Just for now. He'll have to know sooner or later. And as Neo held Trinity, she knew she had done something wrong. She should never have told him at all if she wasn't going to tell him the whole truth. Sooner or later he would find out - she knew it would destroy him if she didn't tell him.

But the fact that it was Cypher's baby would destroy him too…