Holding It In

Part 7

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

Please don't throw stones, for I have never been pregnant nor have I ever witnessed a birth (Health Class doesn't count!), so I tried to stray away from describing the details of pregnancy. This chapter, like the last one, is pretty much just taking up space. It took way too long for me to come up with this, but I promise the next chapter will be sooner (and not quote so crappy).

Her baby was dead.

Cypher's baby is dead, not yours.

But she still conceived it.

You could have prevented it.

But she didn't.

Why? Because you're a coward.

Neo clasped her hands in his own, sitting at her side, his eyes never leaving her even as she slept, taking note of every rise and fall of her chest, any movement or sound at all; the beeps of the heart monitor, a cough, anything to distract him from the horrible truth.

His child had died.

His child had never been alive to begin with. It had been made to die - it was its destiny. Almost like your own. Neo's destiny was to become the One and destroy the Matrix. He smiled, finding it amusing how he could find things he had in common with the child. Neither one had any control over where destiny planned on taking them. Like a river, it can only flow in the direction set out for it until eventually becoming part of something bigger. A sea, or an ocean.

It had been a stillbirth, according to Morpheus. Trinity's body found it un-necessary to carry the child any longer, so she got rid of it. The horrible truth seemed to have affected Neo almost as much, if not more than Trinity, who had finally fallen asleep. The sight of her tiny child had made her mind reel with anger and confusion. It was so tiny, so perfect, without the cruel scars of the real world that they all bore. What purpose was it to deny life for the only one aboard the Nebuchadnezzar who was never even alive at all?

It isn't yours. It's Cypher's. Don't blame yourself.

At the same time, another part of Trinity argued back. Blaming herself seemed to be the only thing she could do as she lay there, Neo holding her hands, his touch gentle, the rhythmic pattern of his fingers caressing her skin slowly lulling her to sleep. Her only wish was for a dreamless sleep, and for once night she was granted peace.

And as she slept, Neo remained awake, puzzled thoughts running through his head. What had happen to cause the death of their child? What had they done wrong? What had he done wrong?

"You're awake. How're you feeling?"

Trinity wasn't aware of the subtle change from being asleep to being awake until she heard Neo's voice bringing her back to reality. The words swam in her head, making it so all she wanted to do was sleep again, but a growing pain kept her from doing so, and she opened her eyes, the sight of Neo being the first thing she saw, and all she ever wanted to see.

She blinked a few times to clear her vision. Her head felt heavy, her body numb - it must have been all the drugs they'd given her to help ease the pain of her recent loss. But it could never heal the pain of guilt. Turning her head to face Neo, she saw his concern and his eagerness to help, but also sadness. He felt he had lost his child.

At once Trinity was angered by this. He had no right to be upset about this - it wasn't his child. He had not betrayed everyone, including himself, and slept with the cause of so many lost lives. She turned onto her side, her back stiff, and blinked her eyes a few times, breathing deeply. "I'm ok," She lied automatically.

She looked over Neo, the circles under his half-closed eyes, the way his shoulders slumped. "You look tired, go get some sleep."

Neo got up from his seat and walked to thee door. "Be right back." he whispered before exiting, leaving the door slightly ajar. Trinity looked up at the ceiling, her eyes blurring the world around her so it seemed she was in a dream, a dream she wasn't even aware of until Neo got back. He held his blanket under one arm and his pillow under the other, a grin upon his face. Trinity shook her head. "Neo, what are you doing?"

His grin broadened. "Don't tell me I have to go back and get the mattress." He dropped his things and moved to the side of her bed, taking her hand again and kissing her forehead.

"I knew you'd get mad if I didn't bring in my blanket." He said smugly, and Trinity bit back a smile. Neo, she played his name over and over in her head. Neo loved her, and that was all that mattered. As long as she kept her secret, things would be fine.

But oh god, I feel I've been lied to

Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

And I - I've woken now

To find myself in the shadows of all I have created

-Evanescence, 'Away from Me'

She didn't even notice she had fallen asleep until Neo was gently shaking her awake. The room was dark, but a dim light made it possible to see his face - he looked like a child that had looked through a window and had seen something he wasn't supposed to. She reached out to him, tracing his features with her fingers. Beneath him, Trinity felt him tense up - she pulled her hand away. "What's wrong?"

The question seemed to hurt Neo, who withdrew into the shadows so Trinity could no longer see him. He was breathing rapidly. "You talk in your sleep, Trin." His hands clenched into fists at his sides. "You're not telling me something."

This was like one of those horror movies, when the lead received a phone call from the killer, telling her he'd killed her family and now he was after her. Only the fear Trinity felt might possibly have been even greater. She gasped, but tried to push it aside like most other feelings. She hadn't talked in her sleep for years - why start now? What had Neo heard?

"Neo…" Trinity reached out again, her fingers brushing against his clothes, but he backed away even further. Her stomach tied itself in a tight knot. "What…what did I say?"

"Enough." Was all he replied with, picking up his pillow and letting the door slam behind him.

Trinity was alone, her eyes welling with tears, her heart aching. She was alone - no one was watching. With that in mind, she cried, pressing her face into the pillow, tears staining the material, her cries bouncing off the metal walls with increasing volume.

Neo came back later, he came to get his blanket. He entered and left without a word.

And he didn't knock.

Sorry again for the slow update! Don't use it against me later - I *promise* the next chapter will come sooner.