Chapter Nine
"We have to keep looking." Wufei looked tired, and immensely not jolly. "If we don't find the international spy, then… what'll happen?"
"Then this story will never end." Quatre was doodling figures in his checkbook frantically. "And I'll go broke! The authors wouldn't let that happen, would they?"
"Now you're sounding like Duo." Heero sighed. "This isn't a story, and there are no authors!!"
"Whatever… but there'll be no digits left in my bank account regardless."
"So where should we try next?" Wufei glanced back at the arcade, disgusted that Trowa had decided to stay and play that ridiculous game. Of course, Duo had no choice in the matter. "I think the arcade is pretty well staked out."
"What's a big Disneyland attraction?" Heero asked, unknowledgeable about such things.
"The electrical parade." Quatre offered, scribbling some more numbers in a book. "The firework display. The people dressed up in the funny suits."
"What about a place… a specific ride or something?"
"Well everything in Disneyland is so memorable!" Quatre snapped the book shut and looked around the park wearily. Groups of people hustled around the fake streets as if there was a fire somewhere. In reality, they were all just hurrying to the next line.
"It's getting late… someone must have some idea!" Wufei snorted as some child's balloon hit him in the face.
"Pirates of the Caribbean." Quatre suggested.
"That's on the other side of the park." Heero didn't seem interested in trekking across the expanses of cartoon towns.
"It's a Small World?" The blonde said.
"No it's not!" Wufei popped the balloon and whistled innocently. "This is not a small world… this place is freaking big!"
"No." Quatre's patience was always impressive. "The ride. It's called: It's a Small World. It's one of the most famous rides in this place. Everybody's been on it sometime in their life."
"Is it close?" Heero apparently had tired feet.
"It's right there!" Quatre pointed helpfully. "And there's practically no line!"
"No line?" Heero and Wufei exchanged a look. "Let's go!"
"Too joyful."
"Live with it."
"Too joyful."
"It's Disneyland after all!"
"Too joyful." Heero was suffering an overload of joyful surroundings.
"It'll all be over in a minute." Wufei was cringing at the little Small World boat that he, Heero and Quatre were boarding. Chirpy music filled their ears, emitting from the strange cranking building… was that building smiling at them?
"Have a great time!" The employee smiled a trite smile.
"Let me out! I don't want to go on this ride!" Heero pleaded.
"This ride isn't scary." The employee sympathized. "Little kids go on this all the time and they're fine!"
"What is wrong with today's generation!?" Heero sobbed. "This is so traumatizing!"
The boat cruised into a dark opening and…
"It's a Small World, after all!" A line of puppets sang and danced. The three pilots were immediately engulfed in an artificial world, inhabited by Walt Disney's greatest creation: dancing, singing, munchkins.
"Just as I thought!" Heero gasped. "Dancing, singing, munchkins!"
"Oh, it's just a cute little ride!" Quatre observed. "This is a good one for kids!"
"Take this!" Heero suddenly was standing up in the boat, aiming a gun at several of the children replicas.
"No!" Wufei warned. "That's a bad idea!"
Spontaneously, a caroling puppet exploded into a heap of painted wood, raining down onto some dancing puppets.
"Hahahahahahhahaahhahahaha!" Heero stopped to enjoy the carnage, planning his next target.
BANG BANG BANG! Three donkey-riding puppets fell over, one after another. A random banjo was blasted out of the hand of a puppet with a sombrero.
"Nooooooooo!" Quatre wailed in slow motion. His arms also flailed in slow motion.
An entire igloo was disassembled by Heero's proficiency. One ice block at a time, the puppet underneath was exposed, continuing the cheerful singing. A fish was blasted off a fishing pole, a fishing pole was blasted out of a puppet's hand, and finally, a puppet's hand was blasted into oblivion.
"This is just wrong." Wufei grumbled.
The Eiffel Tower toppled over after a few well-placed hand grenades detonated. A brightly colored blimp began spiraling towards the ground, flaming with the impact of a puppet's disembodied head. Several more puppets met a sad fate at the bottom of the river.
Quatre continued to protest in slow motion.
Heero decimated a row of palm trees, reveling in the leafy, burnt smudges they left behind. The hula-dancers were not far behind, being flung into the distant Hawaiian volcano. Some fancy looking birds fell from their doomed perches, moving mechanically as they splashed into the water. Before the boat left the island, the volcano toppled onto the whole area, creating a set of flames.
During the whole massacre, the gunshots never ended… not even after all the bullets should have been used up. (Heero's pretty special, I guess.) A disembodied arm fell into the rear of the boat, knocking Quatre back into his seat… in slow motion. Wufei looked at him drowsily. "Do you have to be doing the slow motion thing right now?"
"Hhhhheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooo, nnnnooooooooooooooooooo!" Quatre continued his slow mo routine.
"Aw geez, now you're sounding just like Relena."
In the near distance, the end of the musical ride could be seen. Wufei decided that now would be an ideal time to practice his 'innocent' look. Heero sat down, satisfied, if a little traumatized by the previous sights.
The boat careened into the open air, leaving It's a Small World and its battered inhabitants behind. Quatre avoided making eye contact with the ride attendant as they exited the watercraft.
"Was that really necessary!?" Quatre hissed when they were out of earshot of any employees.
"It had to be done." Heero looked serious. "Did you see the monsters that were in there?"
"This is a waste of time!" Wufei complained.
Just then, the next boat emerged from the Small World ride. Four kids were crying pathetically, seeming to gesture to the sky: "Why? Why the Small World, WHY!?"
"More crying kids…" Wufei complained again.
"And Duo's not even here." Quatre said. "Hey guys… do you think those umbrellas might have been worth it after all? Maybe everybody wouldn't be crying all over the place if we hadn't thrown them out."
Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.
"I'm getting good." Trowa announced. "This game is pretty easy once you get the hang of it.
Duo glared evilly as he tried to pull his feet out of the melted boots. "It's also pretty easy when your shoes aren't stuck to the board!"
"You're just jealous." Trowa began a new song. "Because you are not the dancing king like I am."
"Oh is that it?" Duo temporarily gave up and stood still. "Why won't anybody in Disneyland HELP me? I'm STUCK!"
Nobody looked and Trowa kept dancing.
"It's getting dark." Heero noticed. "Maybe this was a stupid idea. We haven't discovered anything."
"And we don't know where to look… and hardly know what to look for." Quatre looked at some rude kids who bumped him as they went by. "And I'm SICK of it here!"
"Yes! Let's leave!" Wufei said brilliantly. "We'll never find the international spy at this rate… and why should we?"
"Because," The blond pilot sighed. "The authors obviously have something planned for us… RIGHT AUTHORS?"
"I think he's totally lost it." Heero looked sad.
"I agree." Wufei said. "Who would write something like this anyway?"
"Whatever," Heero got up. "Seeing as how the park will be closing in a few hours, I think it would be best if we split up to cover more ground. I'm heading to this… Pirates of the Caribbean you speak of."
"No!" Quatre threw up his arms. "I'LL take Pirates of the Caribbean. You take some place without dancing, singing, munchkins."
"I'm going to that colorful place over there." Wufei decided. "It's one of the only places we haven't been."
"If I can't go to the Pirates of the Caribbean," Heero snorted. "Where will I go?"
"Just avoid dancing, singing, munchkins. You've had your fill for the day, I think." Quatre left the trio to stake out the Pirates ride.
"Fine." Heero watched Wufei leave. "Then I'll just go… THIS way!"
"Buy a postcard, kid?" A street vendor approached Quatre aggressively.
"No thank you." Quatre continued marching determinedly.
"Hey buddy, how about some freshly popped Disneyland popcorn?" Another salesman gestured to his popcorn booth, smiling full-force.
"I'm not interested." Quatre lowered his head, hoping that the vendors would be discouraged from throwing him a sales pitch if he didn't make eye contact.
"Hey you, wanna buy some Donald Duck sunglasses?" Obviously, the no eye contact thing wasn't working.
Quatre looked up, giving the vendor a serious expression. "Are you serious? I don't need sunglasses… it's evening."
"I didn't say sunglasses!" The man looked insulted. "These are Donald Duck sunglasses."
"Which are also completely useless to me right now." The gundam pilot escaped quickly, just in case crying kids were used against his wallet again. "I can understand game shows, crossovers, even insane author stories." He stopped and looked heavenward. "But you authors have CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME! What are the chances of me actually finding this international Spy? Give me a SIGN!"
Somewhere infinitely far away, somebody stopped typing and rethought her actions. She looked at her trusty co-author. "He's right you know. We haven't given them any decent clues."
"Aw, they're smart enough!" The Gundam Wing Fan decided, proofreading previous pages of this story. "Do you know you have a habit of omitting L's, T's, and R's?"
Elly considered. "Hey, this keyboard's old… sometimes it sticks! So I miss an L or two, here and there."
"If you really want to tell Quatre, go ahead." Fan circled another word, noticeably missing an R.
Quatre watched in disbelief, as a wooden sign descended from the sky, glowing angelically. Some words were etched, reading: "We'e soy. He inenaiona spy is a he ohe side of he pak. Pease fogive cappy message, ou keyboad is boken. Signed, Ey and he Gundam Wing Fan."
"What the heck?" Quatre examined the sign. "Is this supposed to be English?" He tried sounding out some of the incomplete words. "Inenaiona spy is a he?"
Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.
"Oh yeah, the dancing king. I'm rocking." Trowa free styled on the DDR machine. He had drawn quite a crowd at this point.
"I'm the dancing king!" Duo repeated in a mocking voice. He was sitting on the arcade floor, shoeless.
Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.
"That guy is good!" Praise emitted from the crowd, ranging from simple acknowledgments to downright worship.
"Yep, yep, yep." Trowa executed a difficult sequence, thrilling his fans.
Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, great.
"WHAAAAAAAT?" A young girl shrieked. "Did anybody else see that?"
"He scored a great? How can this be?" The clapping horde turned into a murmuring mass.
"The all-mighty dancing king didn't get all perfects?"
"He's an imposter!"
"Get him OUT of here!"
Trowa watched in puzzlement as the flock picked him up and deposited him outside the arcade.
"What're you doing?" Trowa asked.
"Oh LOOOOOOOK!" The same young girl shrieked again and the drove returned to hovering around the DDR game.
Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.
Trowa joined the mob as they watched somebody new scoring perfects on his machine! It was Duo… minus boots.
Wufei was taking pictures of families, against his will. He had somehow made his way into the infamous Toon Town, complete with loads of picture opportunities. Before he knew what was happening, he had been asked to snap a picture of some twins, posing with a statue of some Disney movie character.
"Our turn!" An ecstatic mother handed Wufei what appeared to be an expensive camera. "Make sure you get us all in the shot!"
Click. "There you go." Wufei handed back the camera and was instantly rewarded with another. A new family arranged themselves around the statue.
"Oh no honey," The new mother pointed at Wufei. "Don't take a picture from my left side, everybody knows that's my bad side."
Click.
"Now what did I just tell you, darling?" The mother refused to take the camera from Wufei. "You got me from my bad side… take another one and make sure I'm looking my best!"
Wufei narrowed his eyes ruthlessly. "I don't even work here you know."
"Oh? Then why are you taking pictures?"
"Because I'm outnumbered, so it seemed logical to follow the crowd." (Hmm. Very Vulcan-esque, ne?)
"Whatever honey, just take a nice picture."
Click.
"Sweetie, the flash didn't work."
Click.
"No close-ups, I'm having a bad complexion day!"
Click.
"Now you're too far away… are you sure you're a professional?"
"I just finished telling you, this wasn't my idea." Wufei knelt on one knee, trying desperately to get a suitable shot. "I've never even used a camera before today!"
"Mom, stop being so picky!" The daughter exclaimed.
Click.
"Sweetheart, I blinked… take another one."
Click.
"Now what did I just tell you about my left side?"
Wufei seethed. "Your left side is acceptable, ma'am."
She gave him a weary glare. "Now I would know about that better than you would, wouldn't I? You just said you have no experience in photography."
Click.
"Don't put that in your mouth!" The mother gasped and snatched some random thing from her daughter's hand. "Oh!" She turned back to Wufei. "I'm really sorry, let's take another one, okay?"
"Can't do it." Wufei looked relieved. "The camera is out of film." He handed the rewinding camera back to his tormentor.
"Oh don't you worry about that!" She patted his head, too many bracelets jingling obnoxiously. "I've brought plenty of film! After all, this is a vacation!"
Heero trekked bravely across the expanses of this torture-chamber, this execution ground, this hopeless void that was Disneyland. Night had settled over the park, and he was in constant fear that a dancing, singing, munchkin would leap out of a darkened corner any moment, intent on turning him into one of their kind.
"I need to find a sanctuary… some line that dancing, singing, munchkins won't cross." His eyes lit as they fell across an old white mansion, spooky in exterior. "I'll bet there isn't anything frightening in there!" He almost let an uncharacteristic chuckle escape him as he padded to his newfound sanctum.
Quatre scratched his head, still examining the 'sign from heaven.' "It's signed Ey and He Gundam Wing Fan. Those authors!"
(insert canned screaming and gasping here)
"Don't you guys think you're taking me a little too literally?" Quatre again berated the sky. "I asked for a sign, and yes… this is a sign, but I kind of had something else in mind!"
Another sign drifted earthward, much smaller than the first one. "Ike wha?"
"Ike wh… like what?" Quatre translated. All the vendors were peering at him with concern, wondering what was wrong with the crazy kid. "Well maybe," He continued speaking to the sign. "Maybe something a little bit more straightforward than a wooden sign!"
A Pepsi can rolled against his feet and he picked it up. It had words on it, too: "Is his bee?"
"No, this is Pepsi." Quatre answered the query, much to the growing amusement of the street vendors.
"Fix the keyboard, this is ridiculous!" Fan ordered.
"You're the one who spilled the drink of authors on this thing." Elly was shaking the keyboard upside-down, trying to unstick the three keys.
"Ah yes… the drink of authors." Fan ran out of the office suddenly and returned with two Diet Cokes.
"There!" Elly sat the keyboard back down. "It's working again."
Quatre blushed as a leaf blew into his hair. An amused audience surrounded him.
"What's that one say?" They laughed.
He plucked the leaf miserably and sure enough, discovered words on its surface. "It says: We meant to say, 'is this better,' not 'Is his bee.' Well that does make more sense… what about the other signs?"
The observers apparently found that funny, they chuckled merrily.
"Hey buddy, can you read my shoe for me? Or how about this rock?" Some wise guy laughed louder than the rest.
"Those aren't messages." Quatre said.
The laughing resumed.
"Someone get those boots off that other mat." Trowa glared daggers at Duo, his foe. "I'm challenging you to a dance-off, Duo!"
"They won't come off." Someone explained after trying to ply the sagging, melted footwear off the pad. "You're going to have to dance around them."
"I accept your challenge!" Duo turned his pointy nose upward. "But you'll have to dance on the 'boot' side. The other side is better luck for me."
Trowa sighed. "Fine, I'll take the 'boot' handicap, because I know I can beat you."
They glared for a good thirty seconds longer before inserting their money into the arcade game. Duo picked Boom Boom Dollar and smashed the accept button confidently. They agreed on attempting the 'Maniac' version of the song, snuffling about how it would be the only way to truly test their skills.
"Yay!" Some random excited dude exclaimed at their courageous choice of difficulty.
Again, the arrows climbed their way to the top of the screen, accompanying music blaring uncomfortably. The two 'experts' danced with flair, trying to look more talented than the other competitor.
"Yay!"
Duo glanced toward Trowa's feet, and realized – grimly – that Trowa was actually rather gifted. "Dang… he rocks!"
Trowa also noticed that Duo's feet were equally specialized in the dance steps. "Dang… he's as good as I am."
"Yay!"
Duo began to scheme brilliantly, exploring different ways to outdo his enemy's skill. He experimented in shifting his center of balance, and soon discovered (gasp) that with a bit of foresight, he could turn around and perform parts of the dance with his back to the screen, and various other tricks.
The spiky-haired pilot noticed Duo's new discoveries. He raged inwardly for a moment and then tried imitating some of the inventive steps.
"Yay!"
"Stop copying me!" Duo snorted. Trowa did not desist, so he began free styling to the extent of his abilities. He began hitting some of the arrow buttons with his hands and knees… just to be fancy.
"I'm not copying you." Trowa sighed. He decided to implement some of his circus skills into the duel. In a spirited moment, he twirled a few times in the air before landing some of the steps.
"Yay!"
"Stop showing off!" Duo said angrily, disrupting Trowa's twirl with a furious shove.
Trowa concentrated on regaining his balance after the un-sportsmanlike display. He offered a firm shove back.
Duo almost missed a step, which angered him greatly. He turned away from the screen (still dancing perfects) to award a whole-hearted punch to the other side of the game.
"Yay!"
This actually knocked Trowa off the platform. He leapt back on, looking undignified. With a serious look on his face, he began swinging at Duo, still dancing.
"Hey, stop that!" Duo blocked the flurry of punches, trying to return some blows and win the Dance Dance Revolution duel.
"You started it!" Trowa continued fighting him. "I was here first! You missed a step!"
"NO! You made me get a 'boo!' I'll show you!"
"Yay!"
Suddenly, the focus of the challenge shifted towards inflicting physical damage upon one another, rather than dancing perfects (although that hadn't been entirely given up either).
Trowa delivered a devastating blow onto Duo's nose, knocking him backwards a few steps. He took the chance to advance onto Duo's platform, while Duo slinked away onto Trowa's.
"They are good! Who choreographs this stuff?" A worshipper announced.
The scuffle became more intense, and the pair stomped on the machine viciously, still trying to come out on top as far as the dance was concerned.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP, BITE! "Hey, that's not fair!"
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP! The machine began to sizzle from the effort being smashed upon it. Smoke wafted from different vents in the arcade equipment.
"Yay!"
Duo lunged suddenly, landing on the other platform again but completely missing Trowa as he sidestepped back onto his original side. They both glared evilly while tapping out Boom Boom Dollar's addictive rhythm. The machine whined painfully.
"Stop dodging, you!" Duo pointed as he performed a knee-drop and then turned a 360 on his dance mat.
"Stop dancing like a wimp!" Trowa retorted. He landed a series of eighth notes and proceeded to twirl rapidly.
Duo began stomping even more energetically after witnessing Trowa's prowess in acrobatics. Trowa also began stomping violently. The machine was screaming from the pounding.
"Yay!"
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP!
"Boom, boom, boom, boom…" The lyrics emitted from the machine as the song reached its climactic end.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP!
"Boom, boom, boom…" BOOM! The machine had seen its last stomp, and imploded (as opposed to exploded) into a small pile of colorful metal. All this in a few milliseconds.
"Yay!"
Duo and Trowa stared blankly. "Uh-oh… now we'll never know who won!"
"Forget that! What if they make us pay for this!?"
In true 'perfect timing,' the manager entered just then. He marched into the room, making sure everybody noticed the large tag on his shirt declaring him manager. He stopped in front of the ravaged DDR console and eyed the gundam pilots suspiciously. His gaze could very well have reduced the shameful cosmos into bleak nothingness.
"Listen… uh… we can explain this." Trowa gestured to the destruction behind him.
"I certainly hope so." The manager stomped his foot menacingly.
"We've got a friend who can take care of the bill." Duo offered quickly, sweatdropping.
"Bill?" The manager raised a sinister eyebrow.
"For the game." Trowa added meekly. "How much does it cost… we'll replace it."
The frightening gaze glanced across the Dance Dance Revolution game, contemplating slowly. "Can't either of you read?"
"Eh?" They both nodded slowly.
"Then why…" He leaned forward with evil intent. "Are you… shoeless!!!!!"
Duo glanced foot-ward, watching his toes wiggling inside his striped socks. "You're upset because I'm in sock feet?"
"The sign right outside…" The manager folded his arms and menaced. "States, in complete clarity, that 'no shirt, no shoes, no service'!"
"What about DDR?" Trowa ventured.
"Trowa, shut up!" Duo hissed. "Well sir," He turned back to the manager. "My shoes met quite an unfortunate fate… they're part of this grease stain right here."
"No excuse… OUT!"
The pilots fled, forgetting their previous disagreement in the common goal of escaping the world's scariest manager.