Holding It In

Part 9

Please keep in mind that NONE OF THIS ties in with Reloaded at all. I had all of my ideas before Reloaded even came out. I would never rip off anything so shamelessly like others have done in the past. This is supposed to be an original fic, even with the whole oh-look-trinity's-pregnant! Cliché. So don't complain if you think a certain part hits too close to home. Just tell me nicely. Also tell me if you catch my Princess Bride reference. Great book, great film. If you see it, you get a prize.

Oops! I almost forgot to re-state my poverty. It's not mine! Why would you think it was?! And I owe Beat my life. I give her a very heart-felt thanks, a hug, and congratulations! Haha.

Sorry about making you guys think this was the last chapter. Well, it isn't, Centaur convinced me. So I decided not to give you a big cliffhanger out of kindness.

This is the end. It's over. What we've all been fighting for. It didn't seem all that different, Trinity observed as she walked along one of the many levels of Zion. Finally free, but everything is still the same. It felt like any regular day. There were endless meetings of future plans held in conference rooms, attended by captains, commanders and councilors, but not the One, and not Trinity, who was never a legal captain, so she did not attend. As for Neo, it was as if he never even existed.

Humanity didn't have to worry about the sentinels and other machines anymore - their power source had shut down. The Matrix was destroyed, billions of humans lay dead in their pods, never born, never aware of the truth. So much was different, but everything felt the same. Nothing was changing.

Not even the endless partied showed any signs of dying down. Starting in the late afternoon, the music and celebrations wouldn't stop until the early morning. Of course, Trinity attended almost every one. But after a week she grew bored, and would escape the noise of the drums and human voices into a peaceful, drug-induced party of her own. Sometimes Scabbard or Corto would join her, but she was usually alone.

She woke up one morning on the floor of Corto's room, the left sleeve of her shirt rolled up. Corto saw the marks on her arm and shook his head. "Trinity, you shouldn't do that."

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." She said sleepily, staring up at the ceiling.

Corto sighed and helped her sit up. "But this will kill you. One day you'll overdose and die."

Trinity pulled away from Corto's hold and stood up on un-steady legs. "Then I guess I'm not strong enough." Without even unrolling her sleeve, she walked to the door, resting for a moment before opening it. She didn't fear death anymore. She had fought and survived a war for thirteen years, she had carefully avoided the same death that had taken away so many others, so many people who didn't deserve it as much as she.

But she was never the type to take her own life away, intentionally. During her Neb days, she had drilled the goal of survival too deep into her mind to ever go against those ideals.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to walk. Clear my head." She replied. Had she not been under the influence of any drugs, she would have noticed Corto was worried about her; he had been ever since she became the captain of the Icarus. She was always working far too hard, taking too many extra shifts with the excuse that he and Scabbard still needed rest to make a full recovery. He feared that now that the war and their ship days were over, without any work to do, Trinity would find something else, something possibly dangerous, to put her time into. And she did.

She wasn't addicted, at least not yet. She had so much self control it was unbelievable. But who knew what the future held? Only time could tell, and frankly, it was never a big fan of talking. But it did lead her along the walkways of Zion, intricate puzzles of steel, and on until she had no knowledge of ever being where she was. Peering over the railing, Trinity observed that she was only a few floors above ground level. She walked a circle around the level, just watching people, picking up little habits and taking note. The rush of the drug was over - She was bored.

Later, Trinity noticed a man who looked like he knew her, but she couldn't match his face with a name just yet. Maybe in another few minutes. But the man stopped in front of her, a warm smile gracing his features. "Trinity, it's been a long time." Morpheus. That was his name.


She nodded, muttering in agreement, already knowing where this would lead. It had been two years without as much as a one-way transmission from the Neb. Now, he stood before her, and would most likely lie about how much he missed her. It was all part of the role of 'father' - it must have come in the job description for Captain.

Often, captains would send brief transmissions letting the others know what condition their ships and crews were in. It was never a regulation; it was just a way of letting everyone know you were alive and well, more like a greeting card than anything. Trinity had sent out a few transmissions in her days as captain, than duty and respect for the other ships being the only reason - everyone had a right to know about their condition. No one had ever sent any transmissions back to the Icarus. Trinity bitterly remembered the reason being that no one approved of her captaining the Icarus after the accident. All the other captains believed that the two injured should remain in Zion until other ships could take them aboard their crew.

Of course, they would have been separated, and Trinity didn't want to see that happen. They had endured so much together, and were still alive. That had to be more than luck, but Trinity didn't know what. Had she still believed in fate, she wouldn't have called it by any other name.

"How does it feel for you?" After all these years of Morpheus leaving Trinity lost and confused, the roles were now reversed.

"Excuse me?"

"Freedom." She smirked. "How's it feel to be free?"

At the word, Morpheus stood up a little straighter, and his smile broadened. Freedom, it was his purpose, why he was still alive. He lived for it, he fought for it, he almost died for it, and now, there it was. What to do now? What was today's purpose? He drew in a deep breath, choosing his words carefully.

"It feels…like nothing I've ever experienced before." Trinity couldn't help but smile. Morpheus, ever the philosopher. This was the closest to a real answer he had ever given, a step up for her ex-captain. All I want is a little yes or no. The words shook her from the inside out, she reached over to grab hold of the railing, to steady herself on the ledge overlooking the cliffs of insanity that beckoned to her.

"I'm fine." She said quickly before Morpheus could say anything. She got her now rapid breathing under control and released her grip on the railing.

"You are," Morpheus said solemnly, bringing up a more difficult subject. "but Neo isn't."

Eyes open, no different than keeping them closed. No sound I can hear, numb, can't see anything. Blink. So hard to open my eyes again, they close on their own. Everything is gone. Everything. Eyes open again, don't know how long it's been. Not everything is gone anymore, seeing not black but dizzying blurs, can't make anything out. Turn my head, feel a pillow beneath it, blanket over my body. A hand on my arm, a voice in my ear, "You're alive, you can rest now." Can barely hear it, can't figure out who, or what? Eyes closing, gone again.

As if submerged in an ocean, can't hear, can't see, but getting better. Seeing shapes now, colors moving before my eyes, hearing voices in my ears that I can't recognize. Shapes and colors combine, and I see Morpheus, captain, standing over me, see commander, councilors, operator, other faces. Feel hands on me and know this isn't heaven, this isn't death. It can't be, and it's all gone, but I know it will come back.

Wake up, a hand releases a grip on mine, rushed footsteps fading into the distance. Words forming on the tip of my tongue but I can't say them. I hear a noise, loud, a door closing, and it is gone. Door opens again, I recognize the voice, shape and color of Morpheus. Can't hear what he's saying, but I know someone is missing, someone is still gone, and so am I.

I feel a hand again, holding mine gently. Keep still. Slowly open one eye, then the other. They are shapes and colors I don't recognize at first, because so long since I've seen them last. But I know the touch, the feeling of skin against mine. I turn my head more, not wanting to be left alone again. Words now, her words, "awake? hear me?" and I know she's with me now. Try to answer, fail. Try again, make a noise, hand still holding mine. Darkness tugging at the back of my mind, but I don't want to leave her. Don't want to come back and she'll be gone. It's been too long already, can't let it go now.

Eyes won't clear up, can't hear whether or not she's talking now. All I see are her colors, the shape of her, but then that's gone too, like everything else. Like… Trinity.

"Is he alive?" She had asked, struggling to keep her voice steady; she had to keep the river of her emotions dammed up, otherwise it would drown her.

"Barely." The most overrated word in the English language. Barely was the fine line between life and death, the line that determined everything. "He's been in a coma, since the battle. He woke up today, I'd know he'd want to see you more than anything."

Morpheus had given Trinity the room number and level of where Neo was staying - Level 1. Trinity remembered being on this level twice before. The first was when Neo first came to Zion. He was injured, critical, having been shot multiple times by Agent Smith. They got into Zion as fast as they possibly could, and once Neo was stable they moved him up to the top level to recover, away from the noise and crowds of lower Zion. The second time was when she was fresh out of the Matrix, young and stupid, believing that she was the One and could do anything; the attitude almost killed her.

At least Neo's stable now. If not, they would never have bothered to drag a dead man up so high. If there was no chances of recovery or survival, they would stay on the lower levels until they died. Less of a hassle that way.

She had walked into the elevator, letting Morpheus believe she was really going up to level 1, when really she rode it down ten floors to her own room, running inside and bolting the door shut. She was breathing heavy, like she had run a marathon, when really she would have run as far as it took to run away from Zion. Scared was an understatement for what she felt.

How could she possibly face Neo at all, let alone like this? She did drugs, every other day or so, just to keep from going mad. She was weak, decaying, not yet addicted but on that road. The thought of Neo ripped her away from the sanity she once knew, tortured her, kept her locked in her room for hours before making up her mind.

Looking over his still form, Trinity couldn't resist the urge to take his hand in hers. Aside from the constant rise and fall of his chest, he looked as if he were dead. He was asleep, unconscious, it wouldn't hurt if she just held him, he wouldn't know. What Neo didn't know couldn't possibly hurt him.

She was half-expecting him to be awake when she arrived; seeing that he wasn't eased some of her fears. She hadn't seen him for two years, so she wanted to grow accustom to his presence first, conscious or not.

She silence in the room was soon broken with a sharp intake of breath, Neo. Trinity let his hand go quickly, walking out of the room. She could only assume she was being followed by his eyes, letting the door slam behind her. She leaned against the railing, watching the city below her. She knew she couldn't keep running away, from Neo, of all people. She had to put her fear aside, just for now.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Trinity promised herself, she would stay, and she did, holding Neo's hand even when he woke, quiet this time; she didn't even notice until she felt the hand beneath hears move. His head turned in her direction, eyes half closed, not moving anymore. "Are you awake?" She asked softly. No reply. "Can you hear me?"

He tried to answer, but drifted off again, and Trinity waited for him to come back.

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Expect a flashback in the next chapter, which should be the last one. (keep 'should' in mind.)