Holding It In
Part 10
Well, we've made it this far. Too late to turn back now. Not much I have left to say. There should be one more chapter after this, possibly an epilogue. The lyrics inserted in ''s belong to the Indigo Girls and their song 'Moment of Forgiveness.' It seemed fitting. And the two years thing happened at random. I honestly hadn't planned it.
Paragraphs 5 and 6 are dedicated to Centaur, who urged me to name my drug and give Trinity a better reason. *hugs* love that woman, she rocks.
'Well I guess that I was lonely, that's why I called you on the phone.
'Cause in a moment of forgiveness, I didn't want to be alone.
And I guess that I was hoping, more than I ever was before.
'Cause in a moment of forgiveness, I come a knockin' at your door.'
On the Icarus, she was the Captain. The big boss, she who everyone looked up to. It was an enormous responsibility Morpheus had been preparing her for her entire life. After all, he had originally believed that she was the One. Imagine what a let-down it was when the Oracle said she wasn't, that the One was a man. Nothing but pure tragic angst, which could be used to describe her stay on the Icarus.
It was tragic that this was the only thing Trinity could do to ensure Neo's survival on his own terms - god knew what would have happened if she had stayed, that is, if there was a god. She often wondered this; why would god let something like this happen? She meant the war, not the baby. She had let that one happen on her own.
She was welcome on the Icarus; Corto and Scabbard adored her and follower her every command without and questions or side-comments. It was more out of their new-ness to the real world than their respect, but after what Trinity had done to them, - after she had saved them - who wouldn't want to treat her better than they had treated their old captain?
Work was slow. There weren't that many minds worthy of freeing anymore, except for ones that were too old and would most likely end up six feet under in less than a month after waking up. Or end up crazy and locked up in Zion's lower caverns, where they would have taken Cypher. Where Morpheus might have ended up, had his mind not had such a strong distinction between the Matrix and what was real. So no minds were being freed lately. Trinity couldn't have dealt with having to let them suffer, because she was suffering enough lately.
Every night, she would lie awake for hours before finally falling asleep, only to wake up two or three hours later sobbing hysterically into her pillow, her blanket twisted and covered with sweat and tears. As soon as she woke up, it passed, but she couldn't shake the images of Neo out of her mind, and she couldn't fall asleep again.
She found relief in something Corto had give to her. It was called 'Hex' and was injected into the bloodstream to relax the user, putting them in a drug-induced sleep. At first, Trinity doubted that this drug could do anything for her. She also doubted her faith in this drug and it's possible dangers. And what would the crew think of a captain who was 'hexed'?
She had no idea it was addicting, but at least she wasn't dreaming anymore. At least she could finally get to sleep without being haunted by nightmares, all of them concerning Neo meeting a terrible end…
'Baby I woke up crying last night just to realize that you were gone
Has it been two long years without you?
When are you gonna come home?
I guess that I was hoping that you'd finally understand,
And in a moment of forgiveness, you'd reach out and take my hand.'
"Trinity…"
She felt his grip on her hand tighten, his eyes were more focused. Instinctively, she held on tighter as well, as if to keep from running away. What could she say to him? What could she possibly have to say to him now?
"Trin, you staying?"
Trinity nodded, her other hand reaching up to rest on his forehead. "Yeah." Neo closed his eyes, reassured, and fell back to sleep. He didn't wake up for four days, and during that time Trinity was suffering. She felt a need for her drug inside of her, easy to ignore at first, but growing stronger by the hour. It was a hunger that wouldn't subside, a baby that wouldn't stop crying - she held Neo's hand with both of hers to keep from running back to her room for a fix. She wasn't weak, she shouldn't have been dependant - She had to beat this. Dependency wasn't an option.
She ran a hand up her arm, the red tracks, as if to will their control away. Biting her lip, she released her now tight grip, sighing shakily. Neo's hand kept her where she was. When he woke again, he was more awake than he had been, with no intentions of going back to sleep. "So, how's your crew?" He paused, grinned. "Captain."
That last word was a last minute thought, just a touch of humor to hopefully lighten their mood. Trinity didn't smile. "They're almost all dead now," She said simply. "Jacked in for the shutdown." They had lost most when the connection into the Matrix suddenly shut down. No one knew why. Once they had gotten back online, it had been much too late.
Neo's body tensed. Oh god, what if Trinity had been inside? But she wasn't…she wasn't, and now she's alive. Trinity was the first soldier he had ever met, and she was also the strongest and bravest. IF she was to ever go down, it wouldn't have been that way. Not without a fight.
"And how about you, Neo? Saved us." She spoke as if it was such a casual subject. They were both acting as if they were on ice anyways, careful and delicate, completely regardless to the fact they once were lovers. Trinity sat up straight, as if against a board, and Neo couldn't look at her. The floor, or his hands, or the legs of a chair seemed much more fascinating than the beautiful face he hadn't seen for years, except in his dreams.
At Trinity's question, he shut his eyes, his brow tightening in concentration. After some efforts, he opened his eyes looking scared. His eyes, pupils dilated, met Trinity's. "I don't…remember. I can't remember what happened!" If he hadn't been scared, he would have laughed in disbelief at himself. He couldn't remember what happened at the end of it all - no wonder he was almost terrified. "I was about to jack in, and then I was…with you." He swallowed hard.
"Are we…Did we…lose?"
Shaking her head, she wished she could do more to comfort Neo, who had obviously been through so much - Morpheus wouldn't even tell her any details. She wanted to lie with him like they used to, bodies so close as if they were one. Drugs weren't enough anymore. Dreams weren't even enough anymore - she needed Neo.
'Well, baby I know you're not one for bearing witness
And you told me that one wrong move is gonna sell you out.
Now I see that you kept your word and made it harder than it had to be,
Wish I could save you the trouble, babe, give you a little peace of mind.'
"Neo, we're broadcasting soon. You know what to do?" Morpheus broke his pensive silence, bringing Neo back to reality. Had he fallen asleep? Or was it just another daydream? Whatever it was, he had seen Trinity, again, the image of perfection, the woman he loved. Loved.
It tore him up inside, thinking that he couldn't even tell whether or not he loved her anymore. He just wished he could say love, not past tense, but it had been almost two years. He had no idea who she was anymore. She might be a completely different woman now, if she was still alive.
Fuck, no, don't think about that. She hadn't sent any transmissions, but there had to be a good reason for that. Trinity wasn't going to die, she couldn't die.
"Neo. Are you listening?"
"Yes. I'm sorry, I was just thinking."
"There is no time to think. You have to act, now. You know what to do?"
"Yes, sir."
"The Agents must not disable the virus. You have to make sure of this. We cannot fail now."
'Well I guess that I was hoping that you'd finally understand
And in a moment of forgiveness, you'd reach out and take my hand.'
A tornado of green code engulfed his vision, and he woke up with a sharp intake of breath. He sat up, looked around, and relaxed; Trinity was still there, asleep in a chair by his bed. Neo noticed her hand was still in his.
How he wanted to reach out and touch her, caress her, have her lie with him. But he knew she wouldn't, not now, not ever. He was too far gone to save.
Neo watched her chest rise and fall rhythmically, her head tipped back against the chair. One arm rested in her lap while the other, Neo held in a gentle grip. He ran his thumb lightly over her hand, the calloused skin familiar to his touch. His hand shook slightly as he did this.
Some hair hung in Trinity's face, half shielding her from Neo's view. If only he could just reach over and brush the strands behind her ears so he could watch over her while she slept. It was the opposite of when she first arrived, now it was his turn to wait.
***
I feel so horrible for dragging this ending out so much. And I'm sorry this chapter took long. It took much longer then I expected it to. Sorry sorry sorry!