"And then, the doors tried to close on me… after that, the computer shut off all the lights in hopes of making me fall and break my neck or something." Chakotay explained vividly.
"I've got a crew working on finding out the problem. You have to admit this is a unique opportunity." Janeway settled into the back of her sofa happily. "Not that I don't sympathize."
"I wonder what I ever did to make the computer so upset…"
"Good question. I've never given any thought to hurting its feelings… I'm sure I've yelled at it myself on many occasions."
"Well…" Chakotay got up. "It's getting late. I'm going to fight my way to my quarters."
"Hey! After all that stuff you told me, I don't think it's safe for you to be walking around alone!" Janeway smirked. "Now sit back down."
"Is that an order?"
"Absolutely! I've got a responsibility to look after my crew, you know." She patted the sofa, inviting him to sit with her.
"Since I don't want to spend another six hours in the brig, I think I'll comply." He sat.
"Good." She smiled.
Suddenly, the pair both stared upward. "Three… two… one…" They said in unison.
"Huh?" They stared at each other blankly. "Two… one…"
"My GOD!" Janeway put her hands on her head. "Tuvok has completely missed his cue!"
"I noticed." Chakotay looked serious. "Computer, where is Commander Tuvok?"
"Like I'd tell you, you doomed soul!" The computer responded.
"Let me," Janeway held up one hand. "Computer, where is Commander Tuvok?"
"Commander Tuvok is in sickbay." The natural response explained.
"No way!" Janeway gasped. "Six years of being consistently interrupted… and now what?"
"How could he let us down like this?" Chakotay complained. "Maybe we could ask somebody else to interrupt us just this once?"
"It's not the same unless it's Tuvok!" Janeway panicked. "I don't know what to do!"
"Maybe I could make a really lame excuse and leave you mid-sentence or something? That's worked before."
"That was earlier in the series, though. Face it… we depend on Tuvok!"
Chakotay calmed down slightly. "Maybe… we don't need an excuse this time?"
"You mean… I could just admit I hate your guts?"
"You do?"
"No," She began crying. "This is just wrong! The writers would never leave us alone in a room for more than five minutes without coming up with some kind of distraction!"
"We have been forsaken…"
"Uh… wait a minute… why are we upset?"
The depressive mood lifted almost visibly.
"Good point."
The lights dimmed considerably.
"Oh! Thanks, computer." Chakotay nodded.
"Enjoy your final moments… you have very little time!" The computer concluded by laughing maniacally. "Very little time!"
"Computer… disable vocal subroutines." Janeway smirked as the laughing ended abruptly. "Very little time, eh?"
"Very…" He leaned into her, putting his hands behind her shoulders. She smiled and began moving herself, when…
"Tuvok to Commander Chakotay."
"!?"
"How do you do that?"
"It's in the script. The writers say so… why do you defy the writers?"
"The writers SUCK!" Janeway sat upright again, fixing her hair furiously. "Why do I put up with this?"
"Well you're too late." Chakotay fumed. "Chakotay to the doctor."
"Yes Commander?" The doctor responded.
"I order you to sedate Commander Tuvok… heavily… he's very sick."
"My pleasure, Commander!"
"This is not logi…" Tuvok's voice trailed away.
"The writers never would have let you do that!" Janeway was astounded.
"I'm betting they never would have let me do this either."
"Neelix to Captain Janeway!"
"What the hell?!?!" Janeway became scorching. "You are not Tuvok, Mr. Neelix… now don't bother me until tomorrow morning!"
"But Captain!"
Janeway removed her comm-badge and tossed it across the room.
"Now don't tell me the writers would have ever let you do that." Chakotay took a turn being astounded.
"They kept a lot of the fun stuff from us… and for the record, you get crappy lines."
"Are you sure I'm not just naturally boring?" He tossed his own badge out of reach.
"Let's find out."
"Where is everybody?" Harry Kim wailed. When he entered the bridge for his shift this morning, it was completely abandoned. "Kim to Captain Janeway." He gulped, fully aware of what this could lead to.
No answer.
"Kim to Chakotay?"
No answer.
"Tuvok? Tom? B'Elanna?" He paced across the length of the bridge and back. "Neelix? Doctor?"
"This is the doctor."
"Oh good… where is everyone, Doc?"
"I'm a doctor, not the computer! Why don't you ask our local psychopath, the computer where everyone is?"
"Uh… I didn't think of that." Harry cautiously seated himself into the captain's chair, looking around with paranoia.
"And Mr. Kim, you should be in sickbay! You're going to die today!"
"Yeah, yeah. I know, Doc." He kicked his feet up onto Chakotay's chair. "Computer, locate Commander Tuvok."
"Commander Tuvok is in sickbay."
"Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres?"
"They are in their quarters."
"Where is the captain?" Harry folded his arms and put them behind his head.
"The captain is in her quarters."
"Commander Chakotay?"
"Commander Chakotay is in the captain's quarters."
"…" Harry unfolded his arms. He took his feet down from Chakotay's chair. He removed himself from the captain's chair. He then promptly began throwing up. "Could you repeat that, please?" He choked.
"Commander Chakotay is in the captain's quarters."
"NOOOOO! I did NOT want to hear that!"
"We slept IN!" Tom shook B'Elanna viciously, tumbling her onto the floor. "We are LATE!"
"Little wonder." B'Elanna woke slowly. "You could sleep through anything!"
"Why are you so cranky?"
"Because," She said. "I'm going to be forced to spend half the day in sickbay, and for what?!"
"Ohhhhhh, is that what's got you in this mood?" Tom looked unimpressed. "I was sleepy! It was a tiring day."
She stared, considering multiple ways of killing her tormentor. "Right. Let's just go to work now, shall we?"
"Sure!" He seemed to be missing the murder plots in his wife's mind.
"Harry!" Janeway exclaimed as she stepped onto the bridge. "What is that horrendous stench?"
A very green Harry greeted her shyly. "I… I…" He broke down crying. "I sort of puked all over your chair!"
She raised one eyebrow. "Oh… that's okay, Ensign."
"I… i… it is?!" He couldn't hope that he would get off that easy.
"It's just a chair!"
"But um… I… I… I kind of hurled all over Chakotay's chair, too!" His green skin-tone dissolved into more of a purple.
She raised the other eyebrow. "Ensign Kim… it's okay. We'll just beam it out or something special like that."
"But… but… the morning before last, you demoted Chakotay for just interrupting one of your sentences!"
She didn't reply.
"Blargh." Harry gagged. "You and Chakotay…" He ran to his own post and began upchucking all over again.
"Alright, now it's getting ridiculous. Work out a way to get all this… stuff… off the bridge so we can get to work all ready."
Chakotay pried open the turbo-lift doors (while cursing at the computer efficiently) and upon reaching the bridge, immediately pulled a sour face. "What is that?"
"Harry's been kind of busy." Janeway chuckled good-naturedly.
Seeing the command team together seemed to inspire a whole new level of nausea in the ensign.
"Well… stop it, Harry!" The first officer warned. "We really can't leave you by yourself for a second before you do something crazy, can we?"
"Me?!!" Harry moaned. "Don't you think that applies to you two, just as much as me?"
Janeway's pleasant attitude slipped a few grades. "I don't remember throwing up all over the bridge lately…"
"No! I mean…" (Insert random puking noises here.) "We leave you guys alone for a few minutes and just look what you do!"
The captain thought about that for a moment and then turned bright red. "I don't know what you're talking about." She grumbled quickly. "Now get the cleaning team in here… before my chair stains!"
"Gurk!" Harry surprised the two of them by promptly dropping dead.
"Harry?" Chakotay attempted to reach him, but was halted by the stench.
"Janeway to the doctor!" The captain communicated. "Harry Kim appears to have… dropped dead on the bridge!"
"What'd I tell you?" The EMH sounded rather pleased. "I warned him multiple times that his life was expiring… why isn't anybody listening to me lately? One would almost think they question my proficiency in the medical field!"
"So, we bid goodbye to our friend, our comrade, Ensign Harry Kim… again. To be honest, I've lost count how many times Harry has already died." Janeway conjured a few fake tears for appearance's sake.
"Poor Harry!" B'Elanna wailed mournfully. "But at least this got me out of sickbay…"
"Don't worry!" The doctor chimed in. "You can come right back to sickbay after the funeral! And Ensign Kim will be back… he always comes back!"
"Still," Tom whined. "This completely ruins our plans! Harry and I were going to sabotage Tuvok's console today… now I'll have to wait until he's back."
"Well…" Neelix glanced around. "Who's ready for lunch!?"
"Oh! Lunchtime!" The crew hustled to grab some food, chatting away cheerfully.
"These pancakes are great aren't they, Tuvok?" Tom managed to ask while snarfing a stack of pancakes.
"They are acceptable, and fill several nutrient requirements." The Vulcan said. "Excuse me for a moment, I sense somebody having a good time." He tapped his comm-badge thoughtfully. "Tuvok to Random-Crewman-Number-Forty-Six."
"Yes, Tuvok?" The crewman responded.
"What are you doing?"
"Sorry!" The voice wailed. "I didn't think you'd know! I'll never play roller hockey in the corridors again!"
"Hmph." Tuvok resumed eating his lunch.
"Soooo…" Tom glared. "How do you do that?"
"It would be illogical to share such information with somebody as notorious as you."
"You're no fun."
"Precisely!" Tuvok applauded. "Now you understand!"
"I don't know… I can still smell it on my seat." Janeway sniffled. "I think I'm going to have to have it completely replaced."
"Sorry, Captain." Tom sympathized from his own, puke-free seat. "The team tried, but that was the only chair they couldn't save."
"Well you can't stand there all day." Chakotay reasoned.
"No…" Janeway paced unhappily. "The whole fun in being a captain is getting to sit in the comfiest seat in the whole ship."
"Harry and Tuvok stand all day…" Tom gestured to Tuvok. "And they're fine."
"But they have something to lean on." Janeway argued. "Sorry Chakotay, but I'm just going to have to claim the second comfiest seat on the ship."
"Huh?" The commander blinked. "You can't have my chair!"
"Then what do you suggest?"
A few minutes of arranging later:
"This does not comply with protocol, Captain." Tuvok accused.
"And it's seriously distracting…" Tom tried to concentrate on pushing some buttons.
"Shut up, you two… it's not like you had any better ideas." Janeway shifted her weight slightly, dangling her feet comfortably.
"It's just not… Starfleet!" Tuvok continued whining. "I'm going to have to include this in my report to Earth."
"Go ahead." Chakotay began inspecting some readings while supporting a very relaxed Janeway, draped across his lap. "It's not like we're anywhere near Earth."
"It's not that bad!" Janeway smiled, amused. "My new chair should be up here in a few hours." She rearranged her legs again, using the smelly captain's chair as a footstool.
"Hours?" Tom gulped. "Can't you just sit on the floor or something?"
"Why are you so uncomfortable, Lieutenant?" The captain scolded.
"I think I'm beginning to understand Harry's hurling episode this morning… I feel a little squeamish." Tom paled.
"Captain," B'Elanna barged onto the bridge and then stopped dead in her tracks. "What are you… doing?"
"I'm commanding the ship!" Janeway explained matter-of-factly. "What do you want?"
"Uh… I was just coming to inform you that your chair is going to take a little longer than we thought." B'Elanna continued staring at Chakotay's crowded chair.
"Why can't you just replicate a new one?" The captain studied her fingernails.
"We just can't." B'Elanna was losing her train of thought. "I'd fill you in on all the techno-babble, but I don't think it's worth the time. In the meantime… can't you just stand or something?"
"Here we go again." Tom sighed.
"If I wanted to be standing, I'd be standing!" Janeway explained.
B'Elanna shook her head, trying to fathom the beginning of all this insanity. "I really don't think this is appropriate."
"I concur." Tuvok frowned.
"I see," Chakotay looked up from a diagnostic he was running. "And I'm assuming you find making-out in the hallways with Tom perfectly acceptable, B'Elanna?"
She accumulated a little fury. "That… only happened a couple times."
"I really feel absolutely fine!" Neelix explained, as so many had before him.
"That's exactly what the late Ensign Kim informed me." The doctor continued scanning contently. "And just look where he is."
"But Harry dies all the time!"
"Yes, but you know those ensigns… they bounce right back." He took Neelix's temperature forcefully. "However, I'm not so sure you're as lucky as that."
"I can too bounce back!" Neelix panicked. "What is it you said was wrong with me?"
"Serious… serious…"
"What is it? Do I have long to live?"
"Perhaps." The doctor shook his head. "Mr. Neelix, I'm afraid you're not going to die."
"What?" The chef narrowed his eyes. "Why were you trying to scare me, then?"
The EMH looked proud.
"There!" Tom smiled at his accomplishment. "Will you sit in your own chair now, Captain?"
Janeway regarded the seat with doubt. Tom had sorted about seventy car air fresheners onto the chair. "I don't know… don't you think that's a little… well… undignified?"
B'Elanna had stayed to watch the display. "Oh… this is undignified? I didn't realize that reclining in your first officer's lap was dignified!"
"Isn't this whole thing bothering you, Chakotay?" Tom continued piling air fresheners.
"Actually, watching the looks on your faces is kind of fun."
"Fun?!" Tuvok shuddered. "Desist immediately!"
"What is your problem?" B'Elanna chided the Vulcan. "You should learn to mind your own business!"
"This is interfering with normal bridge activities." Tuvok reasoned. "I suggest the captain sits in the air fresheners… er… chair."
"Unlike the rest of you, we're getting our duties done just fine." Chakotay pointed at a control panel he was working with. His expression became unhappy. "Look."
Janeway didn't have to move much to read the panel. "Ugh."
"What's it say?" Tom waved his hand in front of his nose, realizing the overwhelming scent of air fresheners was just as bad, if not worse, than the puke smell.
"It says, 'I warned you'." Chakotay filled them in. "…Tom… B'Elanna… stop laughing, this isn't funny."
"Sorry sir… it's just humorous… everybody else seems to get on with the computer just fine." Tom chuckled.
"Ideas?" The captain looked as serious as she could in her current position.
"Yes." B'Elanna nodded. "Chakotay, stop pissing off the computer."
"How brilliant." The first officer/chair looked grumpy. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Tuvok, do you have any suggestions?" Janeway looked hopeful.
Tuvok responded with a quick, "Nope."
Janeway sighed, disappointed. "I have no choice, then."
"What's that?"
"Chakotay, you are hereby restricted to quarters." She tried to get some distance between their faces so she could make a proper effect, but discovered that would be physically impossible without falling off his lap. "Until we work this out, I think you'll be safest there."
"I'm back!" Harry suddenly surprised everybody by skipping onto the bridge.
"Harry!" Tom shook his friend's hand enthusiastically. "Congratulations! I think this is a whole new record for being reborn quickly!"
"I know!" Harry's smile disappeared as his gaze drifted to the command chairs. "Should I even ask what they're doing?"
"According to them," B'Elanna provided. "Chakotay's working and Captain Janeway is busy looking dignified."
"Don't you dare throw up again, Ensign." Chakotay warned, not looking particularly threatening beneath the mass of the captain.
"I think all the puking was just part of the whole dying thing." He waved his hand to signify there was no importance in what he was saying. "It wasn't a very horrible death, actually."
"Good to hear." Janeway nodded. "Now go to your quarters, Commander."
"I would," Chakotay said. "If you'd let me."
"Oh." Janeway stood up. "Let's see… I think it will be best if you don't use the replicator for now… and don't read any reports… and you'd better not turn the lights on or the computer could get you!"
"Captain, what can I do then?"
"Just sit very still and try not to breath too much." She was serious. "And I'd better take this, so the computer can't track you." She plucked the comm-badge off his uniform.
"How will I call if I need help?" He despaired.
Janeway gave her first officer a heart-felt look. "I'm doing the best I can… you're just going to have to live until I can work out the details."
"Is that an order?"
"Oh yes…" She slipped her arms around his waist.
"What is that?" Tuvok nearly screamed.
Nobody looked.
"What is that hideous, green, murderous looking creature right there?!!" He sounded like he was hyperventilating.
"You know you can count on me, Kathryn." Chakotay embraced the captain gently.
"IT'S GOING TO DEVOUR LIEUTENANT PARIS!" Tuvok was jumping up and down now.
Harry tried to calm the Vulcan. "I don't understand… why isn't your interrupting skill taking effect?"
"LOOK TO YOUR LEFT, LIEUTENANT PARIS!"
"I know." Janeway replied, oblivious to her surroundings. She leaned her head onto Chakotay's shoulder.
"TOM! NO! TOM, LOOK!"
"Hmm? Argh!" Suddenly, a hideous, green, murderous looking creature attacked Tom Paris. (Yes, there really was a hideous, green, murderous looking creature.)
"I TOLD you there was a hideous, green, murderous looking creature!" Tuvok wailed as the creature slithered away. "It's taken Tom Paris!"
"NOOO!" B'Elanna wept. "I thought you were just trying to distract them!" She pointed accusingly at the affectionate couple.
"Why would I do that?" Tuvok put a pinky up to his lower lip. (Think, Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.)
"Captain, what should we do?" Harry panicked. "We've gotta save poor Tom!"
"Kathryn…" Chakotay ignored the three upset officers in favor of giving Janeway a passionate kiss.
"BLECH!" Harry announced. "Don't they care? How can they be so blind?"
Tuvok pointed again, but without much enthusiasm. "What's that?"
"Where!?" B'Elanna and Harry jumped.
The Vulcan sighed miserably. "That was an attempt at distraction. Is it possible that I have lost my touch?"
"That's it!" B'Elanna appeared to be breaking down. "Captain, do something! Commander Chakotay? HELP!"
"I can't look at this anymore." Harry looked like he was about to cry. "Let's go save Tom!"
"A logical conclusion."
"You're right… this is sickening! It's worse than when Captain Janeway is in one of her bad moods!" The Klingon stifled a gag.
"Look out!" Neelix warned the current diners. "It's a hideous, green, murderous looking creature! And it's dragging Tom Paris with it… we'd better get out of here!"
"Doctor to Lieutenant Paris." The doctor's voice could be heard speaking through Tom's comm.
"Uh… I'm a little indisposed right now, Doc." Tom managed to reply while being pulled across a dining counter.
"I don't care… sickbay… NOW!"
"Security!" Neelix howled.
The room was thrown into a state of utter confusion, what with a hideous, green, murderous looking creature romping about, growling and knocking dishware to the floor. Adding to the din was Neelix repeatedly requesting security to the dining hall, and the occupants of the room screaming and scrambling to stay out of reach of the creature's claws.
"Tom!" B'Elanna, Harry and Tuvok stumbled into the scene, looking desperate. "Tom, hold on!"
"Actually," Tom replied while being hauled over a set of pots and pans. "He's holding on tight enough for the both of us!"
"Shoot it, Tuvok!" Harry was jumping up and down now.
"He can't do that!" B'Elanna disagreed while watching her husband being towed around. "He might shoot Tom!"
"In addition," Tuvok raised one eyebrow. "That hideous, green, murderous looking creature is actually kind of cute when you really look at him."
"What?!" Harry and B'Elanna stuttered.
"Commander Tuvok!" Neelix approached the trio hopefully. "Thank goodness it's you! Now we'll be rid of that monster!"
"You see the way he frolics?" Tuvok continued, gesturing at the bloodthirsty creature. "Isn't it adorable?"
"Well it's my personal opinion that Tom's much cuter!" B'Elanna bawled. "Somebody do something!"
"Neelix to Captain Janeway!!!" Neelix's frantic voice reached Janeway on the bridge. "There is a situation in the mess hall!"
Janeway murmured, pushing Chakotay away from her for the time being. "Neelix… are you aware your timing is almost as bad as Commander Tuvok's?"
"There's a creature in my kitchen!" Neelix complained. "It's trashing the place… and Tom isn't looking so good either!"
"Oh… that creature again?" The captain looked unimpressed. "That's just a little monster, Neelix. I'm sure you can take care of it."
"Tuvok is acting uncharacteristically!" Neelix continued. "He's not being any help at all… do something, Captain!"
Janeway slumped where she stood. "Fine… I'll be there in a minute. Janeway out." She frowned. "I've got to go…"
"Wait, I'll come too." Chakotay decided.
"But what if the computer takes this opportunity to kill you?!"
"I'll take my chances… what kind of first officer would I be if I let you go alone?"
"Oh, Chakotay!" The captain swooned. She threw her arms around him again with force.
"Tom! Tom!" B'Elanna had been moping during the whole event. "Hold on… Neelix said the captain is coming! She'll know what to do!"
"And those pointy incisors," Tuvok had set up camp on top of a refrigerator. "Absolutely charming!"
"How could you find that thing to be cute?" Harry complained. "It's hideous! That's why it's called a hideous, green, murderous looking creature!"
"And what a splendid shade of green it is." Tuvok sighed dreamily.
"Computer," Neelix was worried. "What is the captain's location?"
"The captain is on the bridge." The computer replied.
"What? She's still on the bridge!?" B'Elanna roared. "I thought you said she was coming?"
"She said she was… eep!" Neelix explained as he dodged the creature. "Somebody tell her that this is serious!"
"I wish hideous monsters would chase everyone off the bridge everyday." Kathryn Janeway mused as Chakotay kissed her neck.
"Harry Kim to the captain!!!" Harry seemed to almost plead.
"What, Harry?" Janeway sighed.
"Please! Come to the mess hall… and bring a phaser for god's sake, you're going to need it!"
"Is this about that green creature?"
"Yes!! It's got Neelix cornered now… and Tuvok won't come down from the refrigerator… Captain, please!"
"Just shoot the damn thing." Janeway determined as she ran her fingers through Chakotay's hair.
"We can't! What if we hit Tom?"
"Argh… fine. I'm on my way."
Chakotay turned his attention to the mess hall crisis. "So I guess we're going down there after all?"
"I still think you'd be in too much danger." Janeway began marching towards the turbo-lift door.
"You know, we're supposed to be a team, Kathryn."
"I know… you're right. Let's do this together." She waved for him to follow and they entered the turbo-lift.
"Deck eleven." Chakotay requested.
No answer.
"Oh no… you do it.
"Deck eleven." Janeway repeated. The turbo-lift began humming along its path.
There were a few moments of silence and peace until…
"Computer, halt turbo-lift!" The captain ordered. "I just wanted to say… before we plunge into battle once again…"
"You don't have to." Activities very much resembling what had been taking place on the bridge resumed.
"B'Elanna, run!" Harry warned.
The monster charged fearlessly towards the Klingon, huffing and snorting as it gained on her.
"B'Elanna, over here!" Neelix waved, pulling his friend onto a cabinet with him.
"The captain's really coming this time, right Harry?" B'Elanna ventured a hope after she caught her breath.
"Yes!" Harry cringed as another set of delicate eating utensils were crushed into a million fragments by trampling hooves. "She said she'd come straight here!"
"Why am I not reassured?" Neelix wanted to cry. "It won't be long before that beast figures out how to climb up here!"
"Yes, he is a clever, clever cutie, isn't he?" Tuvok cheered.
"Just to be on the safe side…" Harry silently prayed. "Computer… where is the captain?"
"The captain is on turbo-lift one." Came the heartening reply.
"See!" Ensign Kim said triumphantly. "I told you she was coming!"
Two minutes later…
"The cabinet can't hold both of our weights!" B'Elanna trembled. "Where is the captain?"
"The captain is on turbo-lift one." The computer chimed.
"What?" Neelix attempted to balance on the teetering safe haven. "Do you think she's trapped on the lift?"
"Not a chance in hell…" B'Elanna fumed.