The Thoughts of a Padawan Learner

What Life Holds

Category: Star Wars

Genre: Sci-Fi/Angst

Rating: PG

Characters: Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padmé Amidala, Shmi Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa/Skywalker, Darth Sidius

Summary: Watch the world through a Padawan's eyes as he grows into a mighty Sith Lord. Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, and the choices he makes along the way are crucial in the future. Anakin-Vader's POV.

Disclaimer: No rights to the Star Wars characters or films. My last name is not Lucas.

(A/N: Thanks to my friend, she convinced me to write a 'Star Wars' fic, after us both becoming inspired by the films. It's an amazing story; I kick myself silly not watching it before. Anyway, this is based on Anakin's thoughts during the second movie 'Attack of the Clones', so it is in his POV. He's one of my favourite characters, as all the Jedi are, especially Obi-Wan. :: smile ::.

Sadly, I do not own rights to the Star Wars characters or plotline...unfortunately, lol. Again, I will give thanks for every reviewer, if I decide to write a new chapter, or in a list at the end. Enjoy!)

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It isn't fair. How life begins...how it goes on, and the way it ends.

It all seems like a dream to me now. Where I am today, how I got here from the beginning. There are so many new experiences to take in…so many new paths to take, that I forget which way I'm supposed to go sometimes. Though everyone, often including myself, keeps reminding me that I know only one way...one way only, and I should take it.

Then why do I stray from it so?

Since childhood I have been looked down on, cast away into workmanship and labour. A lost, lonely... poor slave, who only knew the way to freedom was to constantly look towards it, and not give up no matter what. To always keep your distance ahead of you, and never look back.

Never look back...

That's what Mom said...it's what…she always said. Mom was so clever about anything to do with the outside world. She kept telling me she had faith in me, and wouldn't let me quit at anything I started on, not even what I'm doing now. I knew her trust was strong...she was so strong altogether.

Then why did she have to die?! I was there for her, I could have helped! She was so strong…she would have made it if it wasn't for me! I kept trying…kept trying to leave every now and again. I thought it would have been the right thing, but I never left. There was something stopping me, though I didn't know what. This is my destiny...my dream. That must have been it. I had wanted this all my life, so why give it up now?

I always had warnings...warnings in my own dreams. Nightmares. But I still didn't listen. I know now that it was foolish not to. Mom died because I was too content on staying where I was. I thought they were only dreams...and nothing else.

I knew the way out would be to fix all the problems, and I fixed so many things...sometimes hardly even important things, really.

I've always been good at fixing things. Always have.

But I'll never bring Mom back like I have done to a million droids. I can't reboot her system, or wire up her malfunctions. Because Mom's not a robot. She doesn't have drive matter, or micros, or anything else that machines need to work! She can never be fixed that way! NEVER! I was the only cure for her sake, and I stayed away from her. Even when I was there I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do for her...I let her die.

Jedis always know what to do.

But I am a Jedi. I am. And someday I will be the most powerful ever. Ever since I left Tatooine, I promised myself I would be the best. I would prove better than any Knight that has ever felt or even withheld the Force. I told so many of my friends that I wouldn't let them down, that I would look up to be a hero in their eyes, that I would help them...free them from their slavery and punishment that most of them had.

I won't fail you.

I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.

So many promises. So many broken promises. I failed Mom. I failed my friends. I look back on my life now and wonder how I ever felt so confident that I would be able to do all that. I thought that it could be possible if I were a Jedi. They can do anything.

I was wrong in a way.

But this time, I have promised again. I've promised Padmé that I'll do her proud, that I'll follow my instincts now and become the influential Jedi that I've always wanted to be. I feel that she doesn't admire me...because of who I am. I want her to be impressed. I want her to have everything. I hate the way that sometimes she looks down on me as nothing more than a child.

It always reminds me of our first meeting on Tatooine. She was an angel...I was so sure. The light seemed to hit her in all the right places. An angel...she just seemed so perfect. Though I was only nine, I knew I'd encountered love. And I wanted her so much within.

You're a funny little boy… she said to me then.

I had suddenly felt so small...so far away from her reach. As if she were out of my grasp.

Little boy…

I am not...a little boy. I'm a Jedi...a Jedi Knight. Can't she see that I'm not that tiny slave anymore?! Can't she see that I'm grown, and the power has grown with me?! I'm stronger now, and I can help her so much, if only she could see.

If only everyone could see.

Obi-Wan. He never listens to anything I say. Worse, he makes me feel younger by his words...his teaching methods. He makes being a Jedi so aggravating, he brings all the more upon me every day! He says I'm arrogant, he causes this rage on me.

And I can't show it because Jedis are forbidden to know ANGER! Or LOVE! Or HATE!

He doesn't make me show my true feelings at all! And I want to…

The countless number of times he calls me his learner, his Padawan, causes me to feel as if I already still have a long way to go. Even when he praises me it's the same. It's as if he's reminding me of where I stand, putting me in my place so tightly I can't breathe.

One day I'll tell him all this. I would, only I think he suspects me of already showing it. Which just makes him to proceed further, driving more and more fury into me to become the greatest.

I thought all of this would be easy, but I never dreamed of Obi-Wan's encounters.

Yes, Master…

No, Master...

I try, Master...

I finally get to where I want to be and yet I still feel like a slave.

It isn't fair.

He never tells me his dreams, nor does Padmé. It feels as if I'm the only one who has them anymore. Like the one I've been having for some time now. I'm in a podracer, and I'm flying towards the stars, leaving the racing grounds far below. I'm nine years old again, and forgetting all about winning, about beating all of the other opponents.

As I fly higher, I age ten years steadily. I look to my right, and Padmé is sitting beside me, smiling...beautiful as ever. I smile back. We're heading further away together, a new life. I can hear Obi-Wan shouting to me from below, calling for me to turn.

"Anakin! Come back! Don't go there! Come back! No...ANAKIN!"

I ignore him. I block out his words and continue flying higher, higher towards the sky. I see a moon before me, a huge grey moon, almost forming the shape of an uncharted planet, with a smaller circle based in the middle, and hundreds of ships flying all around. I look down, and my podracer is now a speeder, faster than ever.

The right side begins to shudder and rock. I hear Padm's urgent screams and cries as her hold gives way on the speeder. The seat tears away from a malfunction, her gasps fold in with her screams. She gazes at me, her eyes full of terror. She holds out her arm, reaching for me…

"Ani! ANI! Help! ANI - SAVE ME!"

"PADMÉ!" I grasp her tightly as I take my hand off the controls, clutching her with all my strength. I won't let her go, I won't. I love her, she can't die this way. I can't lose her like I lost Mom, I won't let it happen.

I lean over to her horror-struck face. I kiss her hand.

"I won't let you go, Padmé! I LOVE YOU! I WON'T LET YOU GO!"

But I do.

Her screams ring out in the night. Even with my tightest hold on her she still falls. No matter how hard I try, I lose her. It's as if I were meant to lose her in my dreams.

It isn't fair.

A startling night hangs out in the stars. A letter 'L'. I don't understand how this came to be. Just as I fly ever further towards it, it splits in two...making two 'L's. They separate, floating apart from each other, before they complete an orbit and collide together again, causing an explosion.

It knocks me off balance. I shudder from the impact, my breathing suddenly steady and menacing. It repeats this way until the end of my dream. Then...I see Obi-Wan's face. A blue light is shining upon it, the light of his lightsabre. He puts it out as a red one comes his way.

He smiles. Then he falls. He looks so much older.

I don't call out for him like I did Padmé. I remember always thinking… Master! but it doesn't touch my lips. I don't say a word. Then everything goes black, and my sinister breathing remains.

So many dreams, so many paths. And so many things I don't know, but I want to.

I want to...

Padmé, Mom, Obi-Wan. They all come to me in nightmares, but they're all dead. Dead… There are times I think I've killed them. Like I did to those Tusken Raiders the night of Mom's death. I feel as if so many people are placing their life in my hands, and I throw it away like it's nothing.

Often I feel as if I'm shadowed, and should somehow escape.

It isn't fair.

One day I'll show them they're only dreams. I'll show them that I can be a Jedi, that I was meant to be one...that I will be the most powerful one day.

One day. They'll see. I'll show them. I'll show them all.

I will be. I promise.

{To be continued}

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(A/N: Again, I appreciate feedback and reviews, as this was something a little out of my boundaries than what I ordinarily write. I don't know about continuing this, it seemed like a good enough ending, but I don't know. If so, I'll make a list of thanks to those who gave me their views.)