Caroline the Ballerina
Chapter 4
Nearly four years had passed in Caroline's life. She was in junior high school and like all adolescents, stumbling forward awkwardly into adulthood. As in every new school year ever since she could remember, Caroline had a new interest and a new boyfriend to keep her busy. But since she had started ballet in third grade, one thing had changed. Though she found a new interest each year that excited and occupied her, Caroline didn't discard her interest in ballet. In fact, she had increased her lessons, to three a week. She had mastered the basics and as Caroline's and Sally's young bodies matured, Miss Morgan allowed them to attempt more difficult positions and jumps. Another thing had changed – Caroline had made a new friend two years ago, Anke van Sant, a pen pal, whom she had never met, but to whom she regularly confided her secrets and thoughts.
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At the post-performance party, the stern Lermantov, head of the ballet troupe, refused to watch Victoria, the eager young ballerina, dance. "Why do you want to dance?" She quickly shot back "Why do you want to live?" Lermantov laughed and nodded his head. "Good enough."
Thirteen year old Caroline was sprawled out in her PJs on the family room floor, head propped up on both hands, facing the TV. As she watched, she silently mouthed the dialog along with actors, having memorized the scene from her favorite ballet movie, "The Red Shoes".
Fred Duffy stood by the entrance to the room watching his daughter and smiled. "Sometimes she tries to act all grown up, but at times like these, Puddin' can be so cute" he thought. "Hey Puddin'. Whatcha watching?"
"The Red Shoes."
"That 30 year old movie on again?"
"Shhhh!!"
"Okay, okay" Fred chuckled as he left the room.
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"April 4, 1979
Hey Anke,
My favorite ballet movie, "The Red Shoes" was on TV tonight, I just had to watch. It really got me in the mood for the new movie our ballet class is going to next Saturday, "The Turning Point". I say "new", but actually it's almost two years old. They might as well rename Peshtigo to 'Podunk', it takes forever for new movies to reach here. I'm so excited! This is the first PG movie my parents have let me watch. I guess they thought it would be okay, since I'm going with my class and Miss Morgan. I didn't mention that Bobby is also meeting me there. You were so right! A new boyfriend is the best way to get over Coach Beales. I had to force myself to talk to Bobby, but he is so sweet, I forgot all about Coach. Except at volleyball practice and at games, of course.
Your American friend,
Caroline"
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"April 14, 1979
Hey Anke,
I have a new favorite movie! "The Turning Point" is great, even better than "The Wind and the Lion". Mikhail Baryshnikov… oooh, he is so HOT!!! He played sorta a jerk, chasing anything in a tutu, love 'em and leave 'em type, but I don't care, I know it's just a role in a movie. Don't get me wrong, I still like Sean Connery, but Anke, if you get a chance to see "The Turning Point", you gotta go. Seeing Mikhail in tights alone is worth the price of admission! I've seen pictures of him before and know he's a great dancer. Now that I've seen him actually moving and talking… he's such a man! Maybe if I keep improving, I'll dance for him one day. (I know what you're thinking – "Yeah, right").
Speaking of men… How are things goin' with you and Bram? Have you finally gotten the nerve to talk to him yet? Gotta get goin', girl!
Your American friend,
Caroline"
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After her next class, Caroline asked Miss Morgan if they could talk.
"Oh course, Caroline. What's on your mind?"
"After seeing "The Turning Point" last week, I just love Baryshnikov. I want to dance for him and the ABT."
Miss Morgan chuckled. "Wouldn't we all."
"But then I got to thinking, I practice three times a week. I think that my positions, steps, and jumps are improving all the time. But I think there's more… I don't know… do you know what I mean?"
Miss Morgan smiled broadly. "I was hoping I'd hear you ask that one day. You're the most talented student I have. But to be good, really good, you have to be dedicated, be willing to sacrifice. That's why I don't push my girls, that desire has to come from within."
"More than three lessons a week?"
"My gosh, yes. Although the lessons are just a part of it. What you're doing now is good if you just want to enjoy ballet – the exercise and the music. But you have to be good, really good to be a professional – even in the corps de ballet. And if you want to be a prima ballerina, you have to be special. To be the best, eventually you'll have to study with the best. And there're many more dancers than spots, so you'll have to be very competitive. Do you think you can do that?"
"I don't know. Wow, I didn't know it'd be so hard."
"It's also so much more to ballet than technique, although that is an important part of it. You can't just dance. You have to express your emotions through your body. Your job is to tell a story through your dancing."
"That sounds tough."
"Well, Caroline, the good news is that you express your emotions now when you dance. You express your joy, because you love to dance so much. But you need to be able to express different emotions, for each piece of each story. You have to be an actress."
"Me? An actress? I could never do that."
"You'll never know unless you try, will you? But this will be a big commitment. You'd have to eat, drink, and sleep ballet. You should take your time and think about it."
"Okay, I will."
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This was the biggest decision Caroline would have to make up to this point in her young life. Even with less important decisions, she hemmed and hawed and overanalyzed everything. With something this important, she did it again. And always one to take into consideration the feelings of others, sometimes even to the detriment of her own, Caroline asked her family and friends for their opinions.
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"April 18, 1979
Hey Anke,
I know you haven't even gotten my last letter yet, where I talked about my new favorite movie, "The Turning Point". But I'm writing you again as soon as possible, because I have a big decision to make, and I'm asking my family and all my friends about it, and of course I have to include you, my Dutch friend.
I was inspired by the movie to want to be a better dancer, so I asked my teacher, Miss Morgan, about it. She said I have talent, but if I want to go farther, I would have to make a big commitment – excluding a lot of other stuff. So, what do you think?
Your American friend,
Caroline"
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Bobby was getting some books out of his locker when Caroline came up from behind him and put her arm on his shoulder.
"Hey you."
"Hey, Care" Bobby answered, put his books back in his open locker, and gave his girl a hug and a quick kiss. "What's up?"
"Can we talk?"
"Sure, but make it quick. Math is in a few minutes."
"Bobby, I know we haven't been together long, but I like you."
"I like you, too" Bobby answered and gave Caroline another quick kiss.
"I wanted to tell you, I'm thinking about spending more time on ballet."
"More than three times a week?" he asked with a disappointed voice.
"Yeah… What do you think?"
"Well, I like you Care… but if we spend too little time with each other, it'd be like were not even together, you know?" Bobby answered as he gave her a squeeze.
"I know… I know… Well, I haven't decided anything yet… See you later, huh?"
"Sure… Bye" he answered, as he turned to get his books.
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"Hey Sally!"
"Hey Caroline! What's happening?"
"I talked with Miss Morgan. I'm thinking about getting serious about ballet."
"Really…? So you can dance with Mikhail?" Sally teased.
Reluctantly, Caroline admitted "Well… actually… one day…"
Sally became more sympathetic. "Oh, you know I'm kidding. That would be wonderful if you could actually make it. What would you have to do?"
"Well, I'd have to spend most of my free time on ballet. Not just dancing, but other things to make me a better ballerina."
"Oh" replied a disappointed Sally.
"But Sally, you'd still be my best friend. And we'd still see each other in ballet class, right?"
"But Caroline, even in ballet class…"
"What…?"
"Well… with all your extra practice and study, you'd be ahead of me. We wouldn't be dancing together anymore."
"Well… we'd still be best friends" said Caroline, thinking "Who never see each other".
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"Dad…? Could I ask you something?"
"Sure Puddin', anything."
"I'm thinking about spending more time on ballet. Miss Morgan thinks I may have the talent to be a ballerina, a real one. But I'd have to spend most of my free time doing nothing else. What do you think?"
Fred patted Caroline on the shoulder and said "Puddin', you're growing up. This is probably the first time I can't tell you what's best. You have to figure out what you really want to do and I can't tell you that. I think you're a great dancer, but I have to admit, I'm biased. Whatever you want to do, I'm behind you 100 per cent."
"Thanks, Dad."
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Caroline saw her little brother Chris walking down the hall. She thought "Should I… naaaah… Well… why not?"
"Hey Squirt."
"Hey Sis."
"Squirt, I'm thinkin' of spending a lotta time practicing and studying to become a ballerina, a real one. Whaddya think?"
Chris, who looked up to his big sister, was flattered she even asked. "You can be anything you want!"
Caroline looked at her little brother and for once she wasn't annoyed. She smiled, patted him on the top of his head and tousled his hair. "Thanks, Squirt."
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Caroline walked into the kitchen, where her mother, Margaret, was cooking dinner.
"Hi Mom. Can I ask you a question?"
"Why of course, dear. What is it?"
"I'm thinking of spending more time practicing and studying ballet. Miss Morgan thinks I have real talent, I may be able to be a real ballerina. But I would have to cut out almost everything else. What do you think?"
Margaret frowned. "Oh honey… are you sure that's what you want to do?"
"I don't know… you don't think I should?"
"Oh dear… being a ballerina is a nice goal, but we have to be practical. How many little girls want to be ballerinas and how many actually make it? If you're very good, but not the best, what kind of life would you have? You'd only be in the chorus line, eking out a living."
"Corps de ballet, mother."
"What?"
"It's the corps de ballet, not the chorus line."
"Whatever… you may be stuck in that corps thing and when you retire you'll be a spinster. You may get stuck in the middle of nowhere, teaching ballet, like poor Miss Morgan. Have you seen her tiny little apartment…? I feel sorry for her. You may not know it yet, but these are your best years. You should enjoy your childhood, have fun while you still can."
"So… you're saying, when you grow up, you can't have fun…? That you don't have any fun?"
"Oh, of course I do… sometimes. It's just that when you're an adult, you have so many responsibilities… You'll see when you're a mother and have the job of raising children."
"You think of Chris and me as a job?"
"Oh honey… I love you and your brother more than anything… But you and your brother can be quite a handful… Of course I'd be proud of my little girl dancing in a fancy ballet… if you make it... But what I'm really looking forward to is your wedding and children. Then I can rest and all I'd have to do is have fun spoiling my grandkids!"
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"Hi Caroline,
I wrote back as quickly as I could. I can't weigh for you the desire to become a ballerina, the odds of it happening, and what you'd have to give up to make the attempt. Only you can. What I do know is, if you really want to do something, and you don't even try, you may wonder "What if…?" and have regrets.
That's why, after I got your letter and thought about it… I actually got up the nerve to go up to Bram and talk to him! And guess what? He's a nice guy! I mean, he didn't act like he thinks about me night and day, like I do about him. But who knows, maybe some day?
We'll have to see how everything works out – for both of us!
Bye
Anke"
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Caroline was the type that wanted everyone to like her and hated to disappoint anyone. "Great…" thought a frustrated Caroline. "I asked everyone for advice, but now I'm more confused than ever! What should I do?" Caroline sighed.