Chapter 4 – "Can't Let Go....Can't Relax"
Wolf moaned and rolled over in his sleep. No matter how he lay he couldn't get comfortable. He tossed about but all he succeeded in doing was waking himself up. He looked around at the surrounding forest and was momentarily disoriented. Why wasn't he back at home, in his bed, with his parents, and ...? His parents! Now he remembered, although he wished he hadn't. *They were ...* he couldn't bring himself to think "dead' – even that would have been to final. *They were burned by those cruel, awful, horrible farmers. Burned because they were wolves...because he was a wolf and she was a wolf- lover.* Wolf understood this but somewhere knew that a 7-year-old boy, even if he was part wolf, should not understand human cruelty. He felt that it would be much better for him if he didn't have a reason for his parents' deaths.
As he stared into the darkness around Wolf became aware of a shimmering in the bushes off to his left. He swung towards the light, but the hairs on the back of his neck didn't stand up. His wolf senses were telling him that he was in no danger, and as Wolf looked more closely at the glowing form materializing out of the shrubs he realized why.
Snow White stood there, in all her glory, shining and peaceful. Wolf starred, his mouth dropped and he was rooted to his place. Even thought he, like every other inhabitant of the nine kingdoms knew that Snow White was a fairy godmother who sometimes appeared to those who needed guidance he never imagined that he would ever see her. *After all,* he thought, *I'm a half-wolf, and why would Snow White ever have anything to do with half-wolves?*
While these thoughts had been flashing through Wolf's head Snow White had been slowly moving toward him. Now she was close enough to reach out and touch his shoulder, which she did, lying a hand on his left shoulder so gently that he barely felt the weight of it. Yet from the first moment she touched him a strange sense of calm surged through Wolf's body. He was relaxed for the first time since his parent's deaths. They stood in that position for some moments until Snow White broke the silence.
"You are in pain, Wolf." He just nodded in answer. "Too much pain for someone so young," she continued. "You have suffered much, and I would take all of the pain away, if I could." Wolf lifted his eyes up to her face and she smiled sadly down at him.
"Can't you?" he asked half hopefully, half desperately.
"No," she shook her head. "That is beyond even my powers. What has been done has been done and I cannot undo it. I can only help you to deal with it." She drew Wolf close in her arms and held him tightly to her body with one hand behind his head.
"My mother used to hold me like this," Wolf said trying to hold back tears.
"I know," said Snow White. "You have not cried over your parents' deaths, have you Wolf?" He shook his head. "Come, shed the tears that are behind your eyes, they want to fall, let them."
Wolf shook his head again. "No, I'm going to be strong. I'm not going to cry. I'm going to be strong so I can avenge my mama and papa's deaths. I'm going to be strong so I can kill all of those stupid farmers when I grow up."
"Wolf," said Snow White, forcing Wolf's head up to look into her face. "It is okay to cry, you need to let out the pain and the anger that is inside of you. If you don't you won't grow up to do anything. Just because you cry doesn't mean you are not strong. It's okay. I'm here."
Wolf buried his face farther into Snow White's body; he didn't want anyone to see the tears that were escaping from his eyes despite his best efforts. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block the memories that were coursing through his body, but somehow they only became clearer.
He saw his mother standing next to him, felt her squeezing his hand and heard her telling him to be strong. He heard his father saying goodbye and he felt the strong arms that had encircled him for the last time. He saw them walking away with their heads held high as the guards escorted them to the prison. He saw them tied to the stake, holding onto the others hand, willing the other to be brave. He saw the hate in the farmer's faces as they stacked the wood up high and threw the torch onto the faggots. He saw flames leap high in to the night sky engulfing his parent's bodies and separating them from him forever. He saw a single tear fall down his mother's cheek. The tear blurred with his own tears and now he saw his parents, enshrined in light, walking towards him.
"Wolf....Wolf listen to me," his mother's voice called softly to Wolf.
"Mama?!" Wolf was confused. He pulled away from Snow White and swung his head around frantically trying to find his mother. "Mama, where are you?"
"I am with you Wolf, inside you always, though I am dead. I will never leave you, and even if you cry I will only grow stronger in you're heart."
"Wolf," this time it was his father's voice, gentle but stern. "I was never able to teach you the proper way to morn. You must be strong, but you cannot keep everything inside. When a wolf dies the pack howls for the death, you must do this also. Do not hold your anger inside."
His parent's voices and their images in his mind faded away until only Wolf and Snow White were left facing each other. She drew him into her arms once again and rocked him slowly. This time Wolf did not try to stop the tears. He simply let them spill out, and with each tear a little of the pain and grief inside of him fell away and splashed on the ground. When he was done and his eyes were dry once more, he threw his head back and howled his anguish to the moon. He had never learned how to morn the wolven way, but something in him knew what to say to the moon, and the moon knew how to respond. She beamed her comforting rays upon his head and encircled his body in a comforting halo of light.
Snow White came over and sat down next to Wolf in the middle of the clearing. "Do you feel better," she asked.
"Mmmmhmmm," Wolf mumbled.
"Now I want you to sleep. Your body needs rest to become strong, and you will need to become strong. Your life will not be easy Wolf, and I cannot be there to help you. You have a great destiny, but you will have to fight many wars and pass through many trials before you achieve it." She held up a hand to stop him from interrupting. "I know that you are confused, but right now you need to sleep. Anything else I say will not make any more sense. Besides, you will remember nothing of this in the morning."
"But why not?" Wolf was upset and alarmed by her last comment. "Why can't I remember that I saw you? Is it because I'm a half-wolf?"
"No," Snow White looked deep into his eyes and he understood that she at least did not care whether he had wolf blood or not. "It is because I cannot change your destiny, and if you remembered that I was here, you would not follow the right path. I promise you that it is for the best. Don't worry, I will visit you again in your dreams, and in your dreams you will be allowed to remember everything and to rest soundly. That is the only comfort I am allowed to give you, I hope it will be enough."
"Thank you," Wolf said. He reached over hugged Snow White. She smiled and then laid him gently down on the ground.
"Now sleep," she said. She bent over and kissed his forehead. He closed his eyes and was immediately immersed in the deepest and most cleansing sleep of his life. Snow smiled down at the sleeping figure and turned away. As she disappeared back into the forest Snow thought, *If only he didn't have to live this part of his life, if only she didn't. They are both so young and helpless.*
The next morning Wolf woke up feeling like he'd slept for thousands of years, but the pain of his parent's deaths was not as heavy on him as when he'd fallen asleep yesterday evening. A feeling of calm he couldn't explain pervaded him and as he traveled through the woods that day he felt like he could keep walking forever and ever.
Wolf moaned and rolled over in his sleep. No matter how he lay he couldn't get comfortable. He tossed about but all he succeeded in doing was waking himself up. He looked around at the surrounding forest and was momentarily disoriented. Why wasn't he back at home, in his bed, with his parents, and ...? His parents! Now he remembered, although he wished he hadn't. *They were ...* he couldn't bring himself to think "dead' – even that would have been to final. *They were burned by those cruel, awful, horrible farmers. Burned because they were wolves...because he was a wolf and she was a wolf- lover.* Wolf understood this but somewhere knew that a 7-year-old boy, even if he was part wolf, should not understand human cruelty. He felt that it would be much better for him if he didn't have a reason for his parents' deaths.
As he stared into the darkness around Wolf became aware of a shimmering in the bushes off to his left. He swung towards the light, but the hairs on the back of his neck didn't stand up. His wolf senses were telling him that he was in no danger, and as Wolf looked more closely at the glowing form materializing out of the shrubs he realized why.
Snow White stood there, in all her glory, shining and peaceful. Wolf starred, his mouth dropped and he was rooted to his place. Even thought he, like every other inhabitant of the nine kingdoms knew that Snow White was a fairy godmother who sometimes appeared to those who needed guidance he never imagined that he would ever see her. *After all,* he thought, *I'm a half-wolf, and why would Snow White ever have anything to do with half-wolves?*
While these thoughts had been flashing through Wolf's head Snow White had been slowly moving toward him. Now she was close enough to reach out and touch his shoulder, which she did, lying a hand on his left shoulder so gently that he barely felt the weight of it. Yet from the first moment she touched him a strange sense of calm surged through Wolf's body. He was relaxed for the first time since his parent's deaths. They stood in that position for some moments until Snow White broke the silence.
"You are in pain, Wolf." He just nodded in answer. "Too much pain for someone so young," she continued. "You have suffered much, and I would take all of the pain away, if I could." Wolf lifted his eyes up to her face and she smiled sadly down at him.
"Can't you?" he asked half hopefully, half desperately.
"No," she shook her head. "That is beyond even my powers. What has been done has been done and I cannot undo it. I can only help you to deal with it." She drew Wolf close in her arms and held him tightly to her body with one hand behind his head.
"My mother used to hold me like this," Wolf said trying to hold back tears.
"I know," said Snow White. "You have not cried over your parents' deaths, have you Wolf?" He shook his head. "Come, shed the tears that are behind your eyes, they want to fall, let them."
Wolf shook his head again. "No, I'm going to be strong. I'm not going to cry. I'm going to be strong so I can avenge my mama and papa's deaths. I'm going to be strong so I can kill all of those stupid farmers when I grow up."
"Wolf," said Snow White, forcing Wolf's head up to look into her face. "It is okay to cry, you need to let out the pain and the anger that is inside of you. If you don't you won't grow up to do anything. Just because you cry doesn't mean you are not strong. It's okay. I'm here."
Wolf buried his face farther into Snow White's body; he didn't want anyone to see the tears that were escaping from his eyes despite his best efforts. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block the memories that were coursing through his body, but somehow they only became clearer.
He saw his mother standing next to him, felt her squeezing his hand and heard her telling him to be strong. He heard his father saying goodbye and he felt the strong arms that had encircled him for the last time. He saw them walking away with their heads held high as the guards escorted them to the prison. He saw them tied to the stake, holding onto the others hand, willing the other to be brave. He saw the hate in the farmer's faces as they stacked the wood up high and threw the torch onto the faggots. He saw flames leap high in to the night sky engulfing his parent's bodies and separating them from him forever. He saw a single tear fall down his mother's cheek. The tear blurred with his own tears and now he saw his parents, enshrined in light, walking towards him.
"Wolf....Wolf listen to me," his mother's voice called softly to Wolf.
"Mama?!" Wolf was confused. He pulled away from Snow White and swung his head around frantically trying to find his mother. "Mama, where are you?"
"I am with you Wolf, inside you always, though I am dead. I will never leave you, and even if you cry I will only grow stronger in you're heart."
"Wolf," this time it was his father's voice, gentle but stern. "I was never able to teach you the proper way to morn. You must be strong, but you cannot keep everything inside. When a wolf dies the pack howls for the death, you must do this also. Do not hold your anger inside."
His parent's voices and their images in his mind faded away until only Wolf and Snow White were left facing each other. She drew him into her arms once again and rocked him slowly. This time Wolf did not try to stop the tears. He simply let them spill out, and with each tear a little of the pain and grief inside of him fell away and splashed on the ground. When he was done and his eyes were dry once more, he threw his head back and howled his anguish to the moon. He had never learned how to morn the wolven way, but something in him knew what to say to the moon, and the moon knew how to respond. She beamed her comforting rays upon his head and encircled his body in a comforting halo of light.
Snow White came over and sat down next to Wolf in the middle of the clearing. "Do you feel better," she asked.
"Mmmmhmmm," Wolf mumbled.
"Now I want you to sleep. Your body needs rest to become strong, and you will need to become strong. Your life will not be easy Wolf, and I cannot be there to help you. You have a great destiny, but you will have to fight many wars and pass through many trials before you achieve it." She held up a hand to stop him from interrupting. "I know that you are confused, but right now you need to sleep. Anything else I say will not make any more sense. Besides, you will remember nothing of this in the morning."
"But why not?" Wolf was upset and alarmed by her last comment. "Why can't I remember that I saw you? Is it because I'm a half-wolf?"
"No," Snow White looked deep into his eyes and he understood that she at least did not care whether he had wolf blood or not. "It is because I cannot change your destiny, and if you remembered that I was here, you would not follow the right path. I promise you that it is for the best. Don't worry, I will visit you again in your dreams, and in your dreams you will be allowed to remember everything and to rest soundly. That is the only comfort I am allowed to give you, I hope it will be enough."
"Thank you," Wolf said. He reached over hugged Snow White. She smiled and then laid him gently down on the ground.
"Now sleep," she said. She bent over and kissed his forehead. He closed his eyes and was immediately immersed in the deepest and most cleansing sleep of his life. Snow smiled down at the sleeping figure and turned away. As she disappeared back into the forest Snow thought, *If only he didn't have to live this part of his life, if only she didn't. They are both so young and helpless.*
The next morning Wolf woke up feeling like he'd slept for thousands of years, but the pain of his parent's deaths was not as heavy on him as when he'd fallen asleep yesterday evening. A feeling of calm he couldn't explain pervaded him and as he traveled through the woods that day he felt like he could keep walking forever and ever.