This was just a little project I wrote for English class where we were
supposed to rewrite a scene from midsummer nights dream in "modern" lingo.
The result was rather humorous, so I decided there was no concrete reason
to refrain from posting it. And so, without further adieu I give you "Act
4, Scene 1" of Midsummer Night's Dream, translated for the insane and
written by an angry weasel.
Disclaimer: I own very little, and the small bits that ARE mine don't include Shakespeare.
Act 4, Scene 1
"Bad Vibes"
Setting: A dreary and somewhat depressing garden type place, with various wandering ethereals dressed as goth-children. Bad punk music can be heard in the background, and several of the over-large flowers are decorated with rusty chains. The only thing not wearing black lipstick or spiked leather is a bed located right in the center of the clearing, pink and flowery and decorated with several stuffed animals. Titania and Bottom stand by an arch that also serves as an entrance, whilst three gothic fairies slump nearby.
Titania: (twirling a strand of hair around her finger while some twitty music plays in the background) Like, come over here and look at this absolutely super bed! It's soooo cool, and I put some of my fav' stuffed animals on it! Like, we can give makeovers to each other, and, like, stick these incredibly cool flowers in your hair. I SO want to do SOMETHING with those TOTALLY adorable ears. (giggles some more and drags Bottom to the bed)
Bottom: (as Titania plays with his hair) Uh, okay. Hey, where's that Peaseblossom guy?
Peaseblossom: (with an obvious sneer as she adjusts her spiked dog collar) Yah, what?
Bottom: You get to scratch my head! And where's that Cobweb guy?
Cobweb: WHAT!?!
Bottom: Dude, I SO need you to go and get me a red-hipped bee, and, yah know, remove the honey...thing so I can have it. But like don't hurt yourself or anything. And be careful with the honey thing. (Cobweb drags himself off) Dude, where's the Mustardseed?
Mustardseed: (slowly, with little passion) Yes sir.
Bottom: Jeese dude, don't over-do the manners stuff!
Mustardseed: ...What do you want.
Bottom: Dude, you can help this other guy scratch my head! (
Titania: Ooh, do yah wanna listen to my Britney Spears CD?
Bottom: Uh, It might be cool to listen to something. Have any Disturbed instead?
Titania: (her gnat-like focus has already wandered, along with her body, over to a black, spike covered mini-fridge) Or we could, like, eat something!
Bottom: (suddenly very interested) DUDE, I could really go for some grass, or maybe some oatmeal... Nah, let's get some hay. But no cheap stuff, the sweet, fluffy kind!
Titania: Oh, like, I'll have one of my fairies get it for you! (grabs a random fairy and flings it out of the garden)
Bottom: Man, I really coulda gone for some dried peas too...Oh well, you don't have to. I kinda wanna take a nap anyway.
Titania: That's great! And we could like, snuggle! (giggles, and gives Bottom a clingy hug, then waves to her attendants) Look, all you, like, little dudes should, ya know, leave! (goth-faries exit with a collective grunt and Titania's mind wanders to the foliage) Oh, and like the plants are so cool! Like, all this twisty viney stuff is all stuck to the tree! Just like you and me! (giggles inanely, and falls asleep on the already snoring Bottom)
(Robin Goodefellow creeps in through the back bush)
Oberon: (smirking superiorly from a nearby tree) Welcome my creepy little underling. Gaze upon foolish Titania and her new... interest. I do so pity her, in her ineptness; of course, she did bring it on herself you know. I simply cannot abide those who disagree with my royal decree. And as a result of displeasing me she's gone and slept with a complete ass. Of course, these flowers seem to have her acting like some hormonally crazed teenager. I'll admit that she was remarkably patient during our outrageous squabbling for such an inferior creature and she did eventually give me the boy I asked for... So now I suppose I can bring myself to keep her from making a further fool of herself. Oh yes, and fix that little accident you had with the Athenian boy. Hopefully, if you can get this right for once, he and his stupid little friends will think this was just the result of some bad booze. First however, I'll fix dearest Titania's problem. (applies nectar to Titania's eyes, which begin to flutter; far off, some random sprite cheers) Be as you were, See as you once did, the Flower of the chaste has a remarkable power over that of flighty love's. (waits as Titania's eyes continue to flutter long after she should have waken, then sighs) Wake up Titania.
Titania: (upon waking, grabs Oberon's heads and stuffs it to her bosom) Oh goodness, what a horrible nightmare! I dreamt I was sleeping with an ass!
Oberon: (makes an odd gurgling noise, whereupon he is released by the overzealous queen) Well, so to speak...
Titania: (looks over and gasps, all the while suffocating the king with her bust line yet again) Oh my! How could this have happened?
Oberon: (apparently still trying to talk) Enough... silence...oog...
Titania: Oh, sorry. (releases the king)
Oberon: Erg... Anyway, let's try to quiet it down a bit alright? I have an absolutely horrible migraine, like you wouldn't believe... Robin, get that silly donkey thing off the man's head. And Titania, call for some SOFT music, the kind that sends horny idiotic Athenians to sleep.
Titania: (shoves the kings head atwixt her bra and reaches out dramatically to the trees) Sleepy music!
Robin Goodefellow: (while ripping the ass's countenance from good Bottom) Guess your on your own now little buddy, as far as making excuses for your painfully small intellect...
Oberon: (removing his head once more from the queen's chest) REALLY dearest, you have to stop doing that. And can we have some of that music I asked for? I swear you people are slipping... (some fairies in a tree to the right grab electric guitars and begin to wildly play them, causing a rapid twitch in the fairy kings right eye) Oh God, not Rob Zombie... Ugh, never mind. Well dear, I suppose it's a little hard to use this music to dance to, but pending any miracles it will simply have to do... (taking the hint a little too well, the queen again wedges her mate between her...pillows, and begins to swing wildly around the clearing; when she's finally exhausted herself, Oberon pops up once again) OOGAH! *hack* *hack* *wheeeeze* Well, I'm glad we've gotten THAT over with. I don't suppose you know this dearest, but I was planning on going over to that ninny Theseus's house tomorrow. Perhaps doing a bit of that odd fairy-blessing stuff.
Robin Goodefellow: (scratches head) Do we even do that any more?
Oberon: Oh I suppose so... besides, I want to replace his shampoo with Nair as revenge for letting those idiot people run through my woods.
Titania: OUR woods.
Oberon: Oh, yes. OUR woods.
Robin Goodefellow: Hey, looky! It's almost morning guys!
Oberon: (reaching out for Titania's hand) Oh dear, your right. Well, let's be off dear. I don't suppose we could do some traveling in the meantime...
Titania: (gleefully grabbing the outstretched King's hand) Oh yes, lets! And while we're walking, perhaps you could enlighten me as to how exactly all these strange things happened...
(The fairies dissapear in a cloud of sparkly dust, while Oberon's voice can be heard complaining about how "this damned stuff aggravates my allergies.")
Disclaimer: I own very little, and the small bits that ARE mine don't include Shakespeare.
Act 4, Scene 1
"Bad Vibes"
Setting: A dreary and somewhat depressing garden type place, with various wandering ethereals dressed as goth-children. Bad punk music can be heard in the background, and several of the over-large flowers are decorated with rusty chains. The only thing not wearing black lipstick or spiked leather is a bed located right in the center of the clearing, pink and flowery and decorated with several stuffed animals. Titania and Bottom stand by an arch that also serves as an entrance, whilst three gothic fairies slump nearby.
Titania: (twirling a strand of hair around her finger while some twitty music plays in the background) Like, come over here and look at this absolutely super bed! It's soooo cool, and I put some of my fav' stuffed animals on it! Like, we can give makeovers to each other, and, like, stick these incredibly cool flowers in your hair. I SO want to do SOMETHING with those TOTALLY adorable ears. (giggles some more and drags Bottom to the bed)
Bottom: (as Titania plays with his hair) Uh, okay. Hey, where's that Peaseblossom guy?
Peaseblossom: (with an obvious sneer as she adjusts her spiked dog collar) Yah, what?
Bottom: You get to scratch my head! And where's that Cobweb guy?
Cobweb: WHAT!?!
Bottom: Dude, I SO need you to go and get me a red-hipped bee, and, yah know, remove the honey...thing so I can have it. But like don't hurt yourself or anything. And be careful with the honey thing. (Cobweb drags himself off) Dude, where's the Mustardseed?
Mustardseed: (slowly, with little passion) Yes sir.
Bottom: Jeese dude, don't over-do the manners stuff!
Mustardseed: ...What do you want.
Bottom: Dude, you can help this other guy scratch my head! (
Titania: Ooh, do yah wanna listen to my Britney Spears CD?
Bottom: Uh, It might be cool to listen to something. Have any Disturbed instead?
Titania: (her gnat-like focus has already wandered, along with her body, over to a black, spike covered mini-fridge) Or we could, like, eat something!
Bottom: (suddenly very interested) DUDE, I could really go for some grass, or maybe some oatmeal... Nah, let's get some hay. But no cheap stuff, the sweet, fluffy kind!
Titania: Oh, like, I'll have one of my fairies get it for you! (grabs a random fairy and flings it out of the garden)
Bottom: Man, I really coulda gone for some dried peas too...Oh well, you don't have to. I kinda wanna take a nap anyway.
Titania: That's great! And we could like, snuggle! (giggles, and gives Bottom a clingy hug, then waves to her attendants) Look, all you, like, little dudes should, ya know, leave! (goth-faries exit with a collective grunt and Titania's mind wanders to the foliage) Oh, and like the plants are so cool! Like, all this twisty viney stuff is all stuck to the tree! Just like you and me! (giggles inanely, and falls asleep on the already snoring Bottom)
(Robin Goodefellow creeps in through the back bush)
Oberon: (smirking superiorly from a nearby tree) Welcome my creepy little underling. Gaze upon foolish Titania and her new... interest. I do so pity her, in her ineptness; of course, she did bring it on herself you know. I simply cannot abide those who disagree with my royal decree. And as a result of displeasing me she's gone and slept with a complete ass. Of course, these flowers seem to have her acting like some hormonally crazed teenager. I'll admit that she was remarkably patient during our outrageous squabbling for such an inferior creature and she did eventually give me the boy I asked for... So now I suppose I can bring myself to keep her from making a further fool of herself. Oh yes, and fix that little accident you had with the Athenian boy. Hopefully, if you can get this right for once, he and his stupid little friends will think this was just the result of some bad booze. First however, I'll fix dearest Titania's problem. (applies nectar to Titania's eyes, which begin to flutter; far off, some random sprite cheers) Be as you were, See as you once did, the Flower of the chaste has a remarkable power over that of flighty love's. (waits as Titania's eyes continue to flutter long after she should have waken, then sighs) Wake up Titania.
Titania: (upon waking, grabs Oberon's heads and stuffs it to her bosom) Oh goodness, what a horrible nightmare! I dreamt I was sleeping with an ass!
Oberon: (makes an odd gurgling noise, whereupon he is released by the overzealous queen) Well, so to speak...
Titania: (looks over and gasps, all the while suffocating the king with her bust line yet again) Oh my! How could this have happened?
Oberon: (apparently still trying to talk) Enough... silence...oog...
Titania: Oh, sorry. (releases the king)
Oberon: Erg... Anyway, let's try to quiet it down a bit alright? I have an absolutely horrible migraine, like you wouldn't believe... Robin, get that silly donkey thing off the man's head. And Titania, call for some SOFT music, the kind that sends horny idiotic Athenians to sleep.
Titania: (shoves the kings head atwixt her bra and reaches out dramatically to the trees) Sleepy music!
Robin Goodefellow: (while ripping the ass's countenance from good Bottom) Guess your on your own now little buddy, as far as making excuses for your painfully small intellect...
Oberon: (removing his head once more from the queen's chest) REALLY dearest, you have to stop doing that. And can we have some of that music I asked for? I swear you people are slipping... (some fairies in a tree to the right grab electric guitars and begin to wildly play them, causing a rapid twitch in the fairy kings right eye) Oh God, not Rob Zombie... Ugh, never mind. Well dear, I suppose it's a little hard to use this music to dance to, but pending any miracles it will simply have to do... (taking the hint a little too well, the queen again wedges her mate between her...pillows, and begins to swing wildly around the clearing; when she's finally exhausted herself, Oberon pops up once again) OOGAH! *hack* *hack* *wheeeeze* Well, I'm glad we've gotten THAT over with. I don't suppose you know this dearest, but I was planning on going over to that ninny Theseus's house tomorrow. Perhaps doing a bit of that odd fairy-blessing stuff.
Robin Goodefellow: (scratches head) Do we even do that any more?
Oberon: Oh I suppose so... besides, I want to replace his shampoo with Nair as revenge for letting those idiot people run through my woods.
Titania: OUR woods.
Oberon: Oh, yes. OUR woods.
Robin Goodefellow: Hey, looky! It's almost morning guys!
Oberon: (reaching out for Titania's hand) Oh dear, your right. Well, let's be off dear. I don't suppose we could do some traveling in the meantime...
Titania: (gleefully grabbing the outstretched King's hand) Oh yes, lets! And while we're walking, perhaps you could enlighten me as to how exactly all these strange things happened...
(The fairies dissapear in a cloud of sparkly dust, while Oberon's voice can be heard complaining about how "this damned stuff aggravates my allergies.")