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Summary: Draco's thoughts on black, white and the different shades of grey, just before he fights in the Final Battle.

Author's Note: Enjoy!

Black, White and the Shades of Grey

~

Lost innocence of my tortured soul

I wish you would return

Offer me redemption from my sins

Help me live again, or help me live right in death.

~

What is it like to die?

You would think that I, Draco Lucius Salazar Malfoy, heir to the family fortune and high status, would be able to answer that question. After all, I grew up around torture, persecution, fear and death. And pain. I could never forget the pain, just like I can never forget who I am and who I am going to become: my Father. For years I have walked in his footsteps and hidden in his shadow, waiting for his acceptance and affection. For years he has shown me nothing, done nothing for me, except make me realise my only purpose in life is to be his great gift to his Dark Lord.

And here I am, surrounded by Death Eaters – fellow Death Eaters – looking death in the eye as we prepare for the Final Battle. If I could feel emotion anymore, I would be drowning in remorse, self-disgust at my inability to stand up against my father and my 'destiny', but oddly enough, not fear. No, I know I'll only get what I deserve. But those who I should be fighting, what do they deserve? Not this, surely.

I don't believe in things being in only black and white; the shades of grey are important too, balancing the carefully woven equilibrium that is our universe. I can see the Light Troops rising over the crest of the hill opposite us, the rising sun appearing to bathe them in a heavenly light, whilst here I am, condemned to the shade. Dark and light. Bad and good. Black and white. If only it was so simple. The people I can see are grey. I don't think there is such a thing as innocence anymore, in any sense of the word, but they are only tinged, the white outweighing the black. I'm grey too, otherwise I wouldn't even be thinking these thoughts; my black heart is still haunted by the ghosts of hope, truth, love and beauty.

Standing here in my black robes and mask, I can't help but shiver, not only at the cool breeze, but also at myself. Now I can see what Dumbledore was talking about when made the speech about choosing what is right over what is easy. But neither choice is easy. Betray my friends, my classmates and myself by submitting to my predetermined future, or do I betray my father, the Dark Lord and his supporters to do what is hard but right? Or do I fight for myself, make sure I survive and choose the winning side?

I can feel death standing over my shoulder as if he is disguised as one of the Death Eaters beside me, leering at my inner turmoil. But what does death care, anyway? We all die in the end, sooner or later. I look at the gathering troops over the hill and I know that for some of them it will be sooner; their grey soon to be drowned out by the red that is blood.

What is it like to die? Perhaps I'll never need to know. After thinking back through my life, I now realise that my soul died a long time ago.

I can see the Light Troops clearer now, a united front of those who are strong enough to turn away from the easy option. Faces full of determination, hope, truth, love, beauty.

Something has flickered inside of me, I can feel a fire burning deep, and it's warmth spreading through my body and rekindling the soul I have long since deemed dead. I don't really know what I am doing or how I am going to do it, but as I draw out my wand it's magic flows through me, and as I clutch it tightly, it's charge surges through me preparing me for the battle ahead. The fire deep with in me is gaining ferocity, its flames a medium grey.

Life is full of difficult decisions. I hope this time, for everyone's sake, that I made the right one.

~

I pray one last time for good as I sacrifice myself

Angels, hear me, send me strength and love

And retrieve me and take me where I deserve

Whether it is glorious heaven, or the fiery, black pits of hell.

~

~ Fin

Voila. I tried to make it longer but it didn't work. That was thought up at around three o'clock in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep without writing it… I don't know if I should say sorry or not… :-S

That's my first published HP fic and I hope you look out for my others…

Thanks for reading and an even bigger thanks for reviewing *hint hint* ;-)

*GG*