AN: Okay, excuse time.
ASN: Here we go.
AN: Now, I know I was supposed to update on Saturday, but due to various events, I was unable to.
ASN: She forgot.
AN: Did not. Then, Sunday, I went to upload the chapter and it didn't work on my dad's computer. At all. Nothing. So, I went to try uploading on the kid computer. And it crashed and needed rebooted. So I rebooted it.
ASN: Do any of you readers care?
AN: *Ignores her* And then, when it rebooted, I realized the DSL was down, and the Internet not working. Did anyone hear me scream?
ASN: I did.
AN: So, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I beg for forgiveness at your feet. Here's the new chapter.
Chapter 18 Impossibilities and Ideas
Simone woke to a pounding headache. She opened her eyes blearily, and immediately closed them again. She MUST be hallucinating. After all, where else would you find centaurs but in a mind that was not working properly? Much less one that talked to itself?
"I am going to kill him." Defea muttered. "This was going to be simple. Trade my employee for his boss's daughter. Shake hands. Mindwipe the two humans. Go back down to Haven. Convince Grub that the experiment was a failure, and should never be spoken about. Take my money, and go work for Koboi Labs for a decade or so, and start over with another greedy Mud Man. Easy. No problem. A perfect plan. So, WHAT HAPPENED?!?!"
The centaur seethed for a few minutes, then continued nattering to herself. "I told him never to leave on the video feed. If anyone in the LEP who doesn't understand our mission sees it, all our research would be lost. Never, ever leave your helmet feed on. So what does the moron do? Leaves the video on, so his brave and daring heroics can be captured for posterity." She paused, whispering very uncomplimentary things about Grub under her breath.
"And?" prompted a cool voice from the enclosed couch.
"AND NOW, the LEP is going to know he's missing, know he was kidnapped by a Mud Man, and know it was Kegel. Holly saw me and is going to report it to her commander, and that will eventually lead them back here. So no matter what happens, I get thrown in jail." Defea forced herself to take deep breaths, and stopped squarely in the middle of one.
"Oh. You're awake."
The Mud Maid looked up at Defea without an ounce of fear showing on her face.
"You have really gotten yourself into a mess, haven't you?" she said. "So many different people on your tail, and such little time to deal with all of them." She raised an eyebrow. "Has it finally occurred to you why the police keep saying kidnapping is so stupid?"
Defea frowned. There weren't many things that would ruffle her fur, but having her intelligence insulted was one of them. "Excuse me? I am not stupid; nor am I doing anything stupid. I am one of the smartest fairies you could meet." Simone rolled her eyes.
"That's doesn't say much for your race." she muttered.
"Look sweetheart," Defea snapped, "You have no idea what a fairy really is, so I wouldn't suggest bad mouthing us. That's stupid. Just sit back and hang out on that couch while I work. Then everything will be hunky-dory, and you'll have fulfilled your reason for being here."
"Uh-huh." Simone muttered. "You didn't seem too confident that everything would end happily earlier. Change your mind?"
The centaur now seemed really mad. "Um, hello? You're beginning to annoy me, and that isn't a great idea. I'm the kidnapper, you shouldn't antagonize me; I might be unstable."
"Might?" Simone snorted. "There's no might about it, sweetheart."
"Arrggh!" Defea growled. In frustration, she tapped a key on her keyboard. A gas flooded the little area around the couch, and before it could escape through the air vents, Defea closed those. Simone's eyes drooped, and she collapsed flat onto the couch. Defea grinned. "That's much better. I should have done that-" she looked at her watch, "-three seconds after she woke up. No, three seconds before she woke up."
The centaur went back to her papers, trying to plan out a way to escape from the slowly tightening noose she had wandered into. Though she'd never admit it, maybe the Mud Maid had been right. This was stupid. And it was probably going to be impossible to get out of this mess.
**********
Holly threw her hands up into the air. "This is impossible!" she exclaimed. "We cannot do this with so few people." Trouble nodded agreement as he stared at the paper broodingly.
"Care to explain the problem to me?" Artemis interrupted, straightening from his relaxed pose and coming to look over their shoulders. He raised an eyebrow. "After all, I might be able to help." Though the expression didn't change, the slight sting in his words showed that he was displeased with being left out.
"Well, we need a way to get into Kegel's place without being caught. And we need a way to get to Defea's. Now, Kegel's a paranoid techno nerd, so he's bound to have traps and security everywhere. Defea's also into technology, and she knows a lot about LEP procedure." Trouble listed the problems calmly. "We have very little chance of being able to sneak up on either of them."
Juliet waved her hand a little, bringing the attention to her. "What about Mulch? He seems to be pretty good at breaking into places."
Artemis nodded. "True, I'm certain Mulch could be coerced into helping for a shorter prison sentence." Root was beginning to turn purple. "Mulch is still in prison, right Commander?"
The Commander was almost quivering. "Some moron messed up on that idiot's warrant, so he got off on a technicality and has disappeared. Apparently he's legitimate now." He took a few deep breaths. "He's no help for us."
"He's no help because he's legitimate and doesn't want to break the law, or because you can't blackmail him into helping like you've done before?" Artemis asked, not flinching as Root rounded on him.
"You are starting to push your luck, Fowl." he began, but before he could continue, Juliet interrupted. She didn't want to see the commander have a heart attack, after all.
"What about a reimbursement for Mulch's help? He wouldn't refuse that-"
"NO!" Root bellowed, now almost blue. "I am NOT paying that criminal to do crime!"
"Of course you're not." Artemis murmured, gazing over the half written plans. "That's what I'm here for." For a moment, the group could have sworn Root's heart stopped.
"Fowl," he ground out between his clenched teeth, "That's it. I have no reason to keep any of you here. None at all. Why don't we just mindwipe you now and send you back to your little manor, where you wait patiently until we return with the French girl? Give me ONE reason why I should even consider letting you keep those memories a little longer."
"Butler." Artemis said flatly. "Would you like another? Juliet.
You are not going to be able to get through Interpol headquarters to
Kegel's lab without one of them. If your
ego cannot handle accepting my help, you have to at least realize that you need
one of the Butlers."
The room went dead
silent. Everyone stared as a muscle
started to twitch in Root's jaw.
"All right." he said finally. "Those are good reasons. So, Mr. Genius, do you have any other ideas?"
Artemis gave his vampire smile. "I have a few."
********************
ASN: And there it is. Now we have many thanks to give out to our wonderful reviewers.
AN: About all of our reviews have been wonderful, glowing reports. I mean, we're up to 200! That's so amazing!!
ASN: Now, to answer questions and comments…
Trinity Day: Thank you so much! It's so nice to hear praise. Especially since our parents think we're slightly insane to be writing a fanfiction.
Syeratti and all the other A/H shippers: We know this would be a great Artemis/Holly story, but unfortunately, the story is not going that way. At the most, Holly and Artemis will have a serious discussion about trust. But that's all that's going to happen. Unless we write a sequel. J
scarletswitchblade: Thank you for your comments. Yes, the bullcrap idea was dumb, and the moment Lessa stops being lazy, she'll repost that chapter with it being changed. *Lessa sticks tongue out at sister* Also, the part with Simone and Defea sounded like Artemis talking to Foaly in the first book on purpose. It was just a way of comparing the two situations. We thought it was funny.
Jade Sabre: Thank you! We also think we write very well together, and if we could actually come up with an original idea, Ryn and I might write a story together. We'll see.
MysticAngel4: I'm glad you liked the preview idea. I think it's helpful to add a little bit of anticipation, like previews for an Enterprise episode. (Sorry, Lessa is a big Star Trek fan and since the season premiere was on Wed., she's been a little…obsessed.)
babybluecrest: About your comment about this being the best Artemis Fowl fic ever… we love you.
EvilSpirit: What is the second sign of madness? I want to know, even if Ryn doesn't. It'll be something new to tell my friends.
A.L.T2: Artemis and Simone together? I'd never thought of that, and to be honest, I think they'd kill each other. Within the first hour.
And to everyone else: (I'd keep doing name by name, but I feel lazy) Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! May you be blessed with long life and great story ideas!!
AN: We have the greatest reviewers. *Sniffles and wipes eyes*
ASN: Shush. You'll make me cry, and I'm supposed to be the sane one.
AN: *Frowns* Now, the prview's coming up, so if you have a problem with it, stop now!!
ASN: How many people do you know put up disclaimers for their previews??
AN: Ignore her. Anyway, here it is:
Okay, now here it is.
Clay opened his mouth to reply when the doorbell rang. He sighed and pointed a finger at his cousin. "You just sit there and think about it, Mulch." he demanded as he headed to the door. "And I hope you realize that you can't support yourself with crime."
"Odd." a smooth voice responded. "It's worked just fine for me."
AN: Hee, hee. I can't wait to hear what you all think about this twist.
ASN: The story twist or your twisted brain?
AN: You obviously haven't been getting enough sleep.
ASN: Of course I haven't. You know about that stupid test I have to take.
AN: I know. And if I didn't have Trig this semester, I might pity you.
*AS glares at A.*