AN: I figure I'd better post this before the winds get any worse.
ASN: Hurricane, coming our way without delay!
AN: Yeah, it's gonna get pretty ugly here soon. So, enjoy the new chapter, and if you can…pray your faithful authors don't drown.
ASN: And you'd better hope our computers don't get fried, and we lose the story completely.
AN: AHHH! Don't say such things!!
Chapter 19 Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, It's Back to Work We Go
Mulch had been legitimate for half a year. It was an amazing record. And with how bad his cabin fever was becoming, it was probably going to be broken shortly.
"I told you! I am not going to get a normal job! That's for normal people, and I, dear cuz, am not normal."
"I know." muttered Clay. Clay Diggums was Mulch's older cousin. He, however, was a solid citizen in Haven and going to stay that way. Not only that, he was determined to make Mulch a law abiding citizen as well. Because of that goal, he refused to let Mulch out of his sight during the day and out of the house at night. Mulch was beginning to feel claustrophobic. And his cousin wanted him to get a job in the mine!
"Claaaaaay," he whined, "I know I said I was bored, but that didn't mean I wanted a job! I was just making a statement. Like, 'I'm sick of this house!'"
"Perfectly understandable; I'm sick of you." Clay snapped. "I'm trying to get you to establish an untarnished reputation here, Mulch! The least you can do is cooperate!"
"But I like my tarnished reputation; it's comfortable."
"Ahhhh!" Clay almost yanked out a tuft of his beard, then thought better of it. "Mulch, come on. You're going be broke if you don't get a job, and you won't be able to support yourself. And before you say it, I'm not going to babysit you forever. I have my own life."
"I had my own life, too." Mulch grumbled. "But no one seemed to appreciate all the work I did establishing it."
Clay opened his mouth to reply when the doorbell rang. He sighed and pointed a finger at his cousin. "You just sit there and think about it, Mulch." he demanded as he headed to the door. "And I hope you realize that you can't support yourself with crime."
"Odd." a smooth voice responded. "It's worked just fine for me."
Clay blanched when he saw exactly who his visitors were. Mulch, on the other hand, leapt up at the voice and almost squealed with glee.
"It couldn't be! Fowl, here? I thought you were mindwiped!" The former convict's smile disappeared as he noticed the other People. "Ah. The LEP. Hello, Julius. Thanks for coming to visit; how did you know I missed you?"
Root, who had already looked mad to begin with, turned redder. "Do not call me Julius, convict!"
"Don't call me convict then, Julius!" Mulch snapped back. Clay turned even whiter.
"M-M-Mulch…" he whispered hoarsely, "You're arguing with a LEP commander. That's not the greatest idea, you know…" Mulch ignored him.
"Come on in everyone." he said graciously. "There's enough room."
The group filed in, and Mulch almost keeled over. The Butlers, Fowl, Holly, Julius, Kelp and Foaly. To get Foaly out of his precious Operations Booth meant something extreme was going on. And since they hadn't arrested him at the door… that meant they didn't think it was his fault. And that meant…he wasn't going to be bored much longer.
"So, what can I do for you gents? And ladies." he added. "After all, I'm merely a legitimate hard-working-"
Clay started laughing.
"-dwarf." Mulch finished with dignity. "I really don't think you came all this way just to see me."
No one responded. They were all waiting for Root to speak. The Commander, however, was clenching his fist spasmodically, and not saying anything.
"Um," Trouble began, "We have a rescue operation we need to accomplish, and we're having some trouble getting into the house. So, we were wondering if you-"
"Sure!" Mulch chirped. Then he stopped. "Wait. I almost forgot. What's in it for me?" He crossed his arms. "Why should I risk my new reputation to help you? Unless, of course, you're planning to give me a couple bars of gold for my trouble." Clay stopped laughing and started sputtering.
Root grinned a little. "Why, I am offering you the chance of a human lifetime. The chance to legally do what you do best-crime. You'd be able to break into a Mud dwelling one more time, right in front of me. And I won't interfere."
A beatific expression crossed Mulch's face. "I'll do it." he said dreamily. Then he came back to reality. "I mean-"
"Too late." Foaly said cheerfully. "Come on, let's go." Mulch opened his mouth to protest, saw Holly ominously playing with the buzz baton, nodded sulkily and headed to grab his coat.
"Uh, convict?" Root interrupted.
"Yes, Julius?" Mulch said sweetly.
Root's teeth gritted together. "Don't you have a bag of not-quite-legal toys you need, like Fowl here?" Artemis frowned, but held up his hacker bag for inspection.
"Why Commander, I'm a reformed dwarf! I'm legitimate! Would I have such tools in my possession?" he asked incredulously. The entire group stared at him wordlessly, and Clay had a satisfied smirk on his face. The silence grew long and uncomfortable, and Mulch sighed.
"Okay, it's in my closet. I'll go get it." He trudged off into the house. Clay could not hold himself in any longer.
"Commander, do you realize what you're doing? Once he's tasted the excitement and danger of breaking the law again, he'll never go back to being legit-…well, almost legitimate!"
Holly frowned as the truth in Clay's words struck her. She turned to Root. The Commander grinned suddenly. It was a grin worthy of Artemis Fowl in cunning.
"I know. Somehow, he managed to sneak out of 422 years of prison time that he rightfully deserved. I'm going to see that he gets them, one way or another."
Holly and Trouble tried not to smile at the unholy glee in their commander's eyes, but failed. Clay was horrified.
"But…but…" he sputtered. Root patted him on the shoulder.
"Just think of it as a test. If Mulch is really able to go legitimate, as you claim, then this shouldn't affect him in the slightest. And if he does revert back to crime…your annoying houseguest will disappear."
The annoying houseguest in question came bouncing out before Clay could reply.
"I'm ready to go!" he sang. Clay saw the look of freedom in Mulch's eyes, and realized that the next time he'd see his cousin, Mulch would probably be on the wrong side of a prison visitation booth.
"Have fun." he called dully as the door swung shut behind the group. He sighed deeply, and headed off to strip Mulch's room. His cousin wouldn't be needing it anytime soon.
**********
Defea stared dully at her computer screen. Every few minutes or so, she'd brighten, type madly for a bit, slow down, read over what she'd just written, and mutter 'That won't work either' under her breath, and delete the section. Simone awoke with a soft moan that Defea didn't hear. She watched the centaur with amusement.
"Having problems?" she asked sweetly. Defea looked up with a scowl.
"Oh, you're awake again. Go to sleep again." she said, reaching for the button that released the knockout gas.
"Hey, wait! You really don't want to do that." Simone said, not showing any desperation.
"Oh, really? I think I do." Defea smiled maliciously.
"I have an idea for how you can get out of this mess, but, of course, if you don't want to hear it…after all, you're the smartest fairy in the land, I'm sure you'll figure something out before the LEP or the LPD or the LSD or whatever get here."
Defea paused. "Uh-huh. So what's this great idea? I have to admit I'm intrigued. Unfortunately."
"First," and Simone leaned forward, "You tell me everything about your 'fairy' race. And how I fit into all this."
Defea was getting desperate. She decided to humor the Mud Maid. "Well, let's see. 'Fairy' is a general term, actually. There are many different fairies. I'm a fairy, elves are fairies, goblins are fairies, though they don't really count; they're more like stupid rocks with attitudes than fairies." Simone nodded.
"Okay. That actually makes a little sense. Well, except for the entire rock thing, but…"
Defea shrugged. "You have to meet one. Anyway, most fairies can perform magic. Centaurs can't. We just have brains. And beauty."
Simone raised an eyebrow. "Riiight. So, why am I here with you fairies?"
"Oh, no." Defea said. "First, you tell me a little bit more about this plan. Then I'll talk."
So Simone told her. Afterwards, Defea sat back in her chair. "So…what do you want to know?"
"Start at the beginning."
And Defea explained everything. The smuggling, the Mud Men, Grub's kidnapping, and the infiltration of Fowl Manor. Simone was especially interested in that.
"Hardest security system I ever saw…for Mud Men, anyway. I mean, it was easier to hack into your father's files." Defea sighed deeply. "And then I ran into Holly. And everything went downhill from there."
"Holly…"
"Captain Holly Short, Lower Elements Police. I still can't figure out why she was there. They pulled surveillance on Fowl Manor a while ago."
Simone sat up straight. "Oh. That Holly." She grinned evilly. "Well, well, well. Arty's little girlfriend is a fairy."
Defea stopped. "Holly? Holly hates Artemis. He practically got her fired over the whole gold thing. And if anyone ever hears about Spiro…"
"Huh?" Simone was now just a little lost.
"You didn't know? You accepted all the fairy stuff and the fact I'm a centaur so well, I thought Fowl had told you at least some of his dealings with the People."
"No, Artemis and I didn't talk much at all. He didn't trust me." Simone said mock plaintively.
"I wonder why." Defea muttered. The Mud Maid ignored the comment and leaned forward.
"So…how long has Arty known about you fairies anyway?"
**********************
AN: And there you go. Hope you liked it.
ASN: To all, thank you for the reviews. The next chapter should be up soon.
AN: Providing the power doesn't go out for the next week.
ASN: *Winces* Ugh. I think I would die.
AN: Preview, coming up! Better leave if you are too scared to venture forth!
"WHAT!!" Root bellowed. "You mean to tell me you're planning on sending that convict out into the human world without my supervision?! Just how did you come up with that?"
"Because from what you've told me, Defea's going to be the more dangerous of the two." Artemis replied.
"Fine." Juliet jumped in while Root looked thoughtful. "So why are you going there and I'm not?"
"Because I'm going with him." Butler stated calmly. The group turned to Artemis for confirmation. The pale teen looked uncomfortable.
"Actually…"
Butler suddenly looked twice as foreboding as usual. "Actually what, Artemis?"