Boys are belonging to Fox. Money, I am not making. Sue me not, I beseech
you.
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This is the fourth story in the "Natural Disaster" series. For the other three, see funkychunky and spqr on fanfiction.net.
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Oh my god, this is so schmoopy. Warm and fuzzy and angsty, and barely a hint of smut. What's happening to me? Honestly, this may be my favorite fic I've written so far, even though it's so totally different from all of my others.
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There was never a time they didn't want each other. The electricity between them was undeniable from the first moment their eyes met.
The initial days and weeks were filled with longing glances and insecurity. Then there was an over-enthusiastic hug followed by crimson blushes. Accidental brushes of thigh against thigh on the couch. Gentle acts of kindness that no one else would notice.
It was only one particular day when Ryan held Seth's gaze for just a moment too long, and Seth didn't even try to look away, and they sat like that, with desire and yearning written all over their faces, that's when it became impossible.
Seth had tried to speak, but Ryan reached a hand to his lips to silence him. They continued to stare longingly at each other, and the silence grew. Grew and blossomed until it overcame them both, and they were helpless to express anything with words. Ryan broke the spell, brushing his hand almost imperceptibly against Seth's cheek as he rose to leave. Walked all the way to the pier without looking back once. Seth had just sat in silence, the place where Ryan's hand had touched him burning to his soul.
Seth was waiting for Ryan in the poolhouse when he returned hours later. Ryan acted casual, pretended like nothing unusual had happened, and all Seth could do was pretend along. That night, in his bed, Seth wondered and dreamed and fantasized about Ryan, imagining the way Ryan's hands would feel on his shoulders, how his lips would taste in a kiss, how strong his arms would feel as he held him tight.
The next morning, Ryan came into Seth's room and sat on his bed, gently shaking his hip beneath the covers to wake him. When Seth didn't wake up, Ryan stretched out beside him and softly stroked his hair. When Seth still didn't move, Ryan silently rose from the bed and went back to his room. Seth laid there shaking, eyes squeezed shut but wide awake, not knowing what to do.
The entire week passed that way. One would gain the courage to try while the other shied away. Ryan rested his arm on the couch behind Seth while they were watching a movie, and Seth panicked and left the room. Another day while playing video games, Seth's arm grazed against Ryan's, and Ryan immediately jumped up and ran to the poolhouse, no explanation. Not that Seth needed one.
Neither of them knew what to do, what to say. Neither of them realized that they simultaneously called each others' name softly in the night. Neither of them was aware that they both fantasized about each other, imagining the things they could do together. The idea of a possibility had been communicated, but neither of them seemed able to act on it.
.................................................
They started to avoid each other completely. It was torture, each of them losing the only other person they enjoyed spending time with. Seth went back to doing everything alone. And Ryan became the solitary outsider he always knew he'd be.
The Cohen parents noticed, but they didn't mention it to the boys. They discussed it in private, wondering if there was something wrong, or if the boys had simply grown apart. They did have different interests, different activities they enjoyed. Maybe this is what normal would be for them. Neither of them brought up the most challenging answer, the one they were afraid to discuss. They had both noticed the longing and yearning that the boys had tried so hard to hide. But even Kirsten and Sandy couldn't bring themselves to talk about it. To bring it out into the open.
..........
Eventually, Seth was the first to crack. One night he waited for Ryan on the pier until his shift at the restaurant ended. When Ryan saw Seth waiting for him, like old times, his face lit up.
"So to what do I owe this honor?"
Seth was nervous, biting his lower lip. "I just wanted to see you. Talk to you."
"Do you want to talk? Or *talk*?"
"Either. Both. I don't know. What do you want?"
"I think we need to really talk."
"Fine. Do you want to sit on the beach?
The sun was beginning to set over the ocean, and the view was beautiful. They found a slightly secluded spot and sat near each other, careful not to be close enough to accidentally touch.
"So...what should we talk about?"
"Well, Seth, I can think of something."
"And that is..."
"That is the fact that we seem to have a 'thing' for each other."
"A 'thing'. Hmm. Could you be more specific please?"
"Seth, don't play dumb. You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"I know, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood a little. Sorry. So, um, yeah. There's this 'thing'. What are we gonna do about it?"
"What *can* we do? We live together. We're nearly brothers. We have to figure out how to make this go away. Or at least find a way to work it out so that we can still be friends."
"So you don't think there's any way we can act on it." It was a statement, not a question. Seth didn't even attempt to hide his disappointment.
"I don't really see how, Seth. Your parents are my parents now. That makes us brothers. There's no possible way that this could be okay with them. No way."
Seth thought for a moment. "It's not like we're blood relatives. Maybe they would be okay with it. They're pretty cool, you know, for parents."
"This is a little more serious than a spill on the rug or a dented fender. You can't know how they would react to something like this."
"Maybe I could feel them out...ask hypothetical questions or something to see what they might think."
"If you even hint at anything like us, they're going to know. And then they'll kick me out. I don't really think I can handle that. As much as I want you, I can't afford to take a risk like that. Not now. Not when I have the first stable home in my entire life."
Seth heard "I want you", and his heart soared. But understanding the risk involved for Ryan, he forced himself to hear the whole statement, not just the phrase he liked best.
He had to try one last time, no matter how selfish it might sound. "Ryan, I just wish that I was important enough to you that you would take the chance."
Ryan's eyes darkened. "That's a cheap shot, Cohen, and you know it."
"You're right. I have no business saying anything like that to you. I can't even begin to imagine what things have been like in your life. I'm sorry. Really."
"It's okay. You gave it your best shot." Ryan almost smiled a little, looking at Seth out of the corner of his eye.
"So could I maybe just get one kiss? Just one, something to remember, to understand..."
"Why should we torture ourselves like that? We can't be together. As much as I'd like to kiss you, touch you, hold you...fuck." Ryan's face showed pure anguish.
"I want all of those things, too, Ryan. Sometimes it's all I can think about." Seth's voice was choked. "But I respect your decision. We don't ever have to talk about this again. Conversation over."
"Can we be friends again?"
"We always were friends. But if you mean, will we spend time together? I don't know. I may need some time to get over this. It's too hard to look at you and want you so bad it hurts and know I can't have you." Seth wasn't even looking at him now.
Ryan wanted to make the pain stop. To relieve the frustration and anger they both felt. He reached out his hand to tilt Seth's face so that he could look into his eyes. Seth avoided Ryan's gaze as long as he could. When their eyes finally met, Seth was stricken by the conflict he saw reflected in Ryan's eyes. He found himself leaning forward into Ryan and Ryan leaning in as well, their mouths inching closer and closer.
Ryan sat back quickly and snatched his hand away from Seth's face. His face was filled with pain and apologies. "We can't, Seth. We just can't."
He rose and walked away, leaving Seth alone to mourn a relationship that would never have a chance.
............
So it was back to the avoidance. The distance. Kirsten and Sandy didn't even discuss it after a while. Seth was always alone before Ryan had moved in, so there wasn't much unusual about him being alone now. And they didn't really know what Ryan had been like before he came into their home, so they didn't have anything to compare his behavior to.
They both tried hard not to remember the happy times when Ryan first arrived. When he and Seth spent nearly every waking hour together. When they were both so happy and close, enjoying each others' company. Clearly those times had passed, and it wasn't for them to try and change it.
.............
One night found Seth in his room, pacing, literally pacing the floor, trying to decide what to do. Could he really do anything about this? Would he go crazy if he didn't?
He went down the stairs and into the yard, feeling his courage already slipping away. He sat by the pool, trying to work up his nerve.
His hands lazily traced patterns in the surface of the pool, the rippling water soothing his psyche. It started to entrance him a little, and he found himself getting sleepy.
With a furtive look towards Ryan's door, he dried his hand on his shirt and walked back towards his house in resignation. Before he reached the door, Ryan grabbed him from behind and spun him around so they were face-to-face.
"Why did you come down here, Seth?" The words sounded harsh, but Ryan's expression was soft, not threatening.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"So talk."
"Ryan, this is so hard to say. I think...I think we have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
"Stop avoiding each other. Stop...."
"Stop wanting each other?"
"Yeah. I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I miss having you around."
"But I am around, Seth. I'm around all the time. You've been avoiding me too. And you know that things were okay before only because neither of us could admit our feelings. But now we know. And we can't change that."
"You're right. We can't change it. But what else can we do?"
"We could do this ..."
And Ryan pulled Seth into his arms in a strong embrace, pressing his lips against Seth's neck. Seth gasped, then tried to push Ryan away. But Ryan was too strong. Seth fell limp into Ryan, shaking.
"Seth, if you could convince me for even one minute that you didn't need this every bit as badly as I did, I would walk away from here right now. But I don't think you want that."
"I don't want that. I don't want you to go. Please, please don't go."
"Then say it. Say that you want me. That you need me. That you can't go on another day without me."
"I can't. I can't do this. Please don't make me Ryan. Please. I can't risk losing you."
"You won't lose me."
"But what about my parents? What if they send you away?"
"Maybe you were right. Maybe they'll understand. They want you to be happy. Don't you think I can make you happy?"
"Yes, but..."
"It's only the yes that matters. Everything else is secondary."
"Ryan, don't. I'm begging you. If I hold you, I'll never be able to let you go."
"I wouldn't want you to let me go."
"I can't do this Ryan. I'm sorry, but I can't. It's too hard."
Seth broke free of Ryan, and ran into the house. He went straight into his room, closing and locking the door behind him, throwing himself on his bed in frustration.
..............................
More time passed. Ryan and Seth didn't talk at all. Nobody even noticed it anymore. It had become the status quo.
...........
One Friday morning, Seth stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. His parents were both there, and he noticed that neither of them was dressed for work.
"What's up? How come you guys are still here?"
"It's a long weekend, Seth. We're going skiing, remember? Don't tell me you haven't packed yet."
Shit. He had forgotten all about the trip. "I'm sorry, mom, I'll be ready to go in fifteen minutes. Just let me eat and shower, and I'll get everything together."
Just then, Ryan walked into the house carrying a duffel bag.
"Good morning, Ryan. It looks like you're ready to go!"
"Yeah. This sounds like fun. It will be nice to get away from here for a while." He tried hard to avoid Seth's gaze.
He set down his bag and left the room, saying he needed to go back to the poolhouse to grab something he forgot.
"Ryan's coming with us?"
"Of course, honey? What did you think, we were going to leave him here?"
"Does he even know how to ski?"
"I don't know. But may I remind you that you didn't either until just a few years ago. Don't be a snob, Seth. I know you two aren't as close as you once were, but I think you can handle a long weekend together." Sandy's eyebrows were arched, and Seth knew better than to argue.
"Okay, fine. I'll shower and pack. Ready in a jiff."
Kirsten walked into the family room and found Ryan leaning against the wall, a resigned look on his face.
"Look, Mrs. Cohen, maybe I shouldn't go. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Ryan, you are a part of this family. There won't be any trouble. Seth is being immature, but he'll get over it. To be honest with you, one of the reasons we planned this trip was to see if we could try to get you and Seth to reconnect. You seemed so close once. I won't pry, but I will say that this house would be a better place if you two were friends again."
"Mrs. Cohen - "
"Don't worry. Seth doesn't know that, and I probably shouldn't have told you either. Just try. Please?"
What could Ryan say? "Of course. I'll do my best."
"Thanks Ryan. Now, come help me load up the car."
............................
The trip was a quiet one. Seth listened to his iPod, and Ryan stared silently out the window. When they stopped for lunch, neither of them said more than a few words to the other. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged worried looks, wondering if they had made a mistake in trying to force the issue.
When they arrived at the cabin, everything glistened with snow. It was a pure sparkling paradise. The view of the mountains was breathtaking. Ryan didn't think that any place could be as beautiful as the Cohen home, but the views here gave it a good run for its money.
Ryan and Seth brought their bags in and claimed their bedrooms. Ryan heard Seth tell his parents that he was going to take a nap, so Ryan ventured out into the main room. Sandy and Kirsten were already headed back out.
"Did you want to come with us? There aren't any instructors this time of day, but you can at least get a feel for it."
Ryan looked uneasily back towards Seth's room, not wanting to risk being alone with him, but not really wanting to try skiing without any lessons and risk making a fool of himself.
"That's okay. I'll just hang out here. I can have dinner ready for when you come back."
"That's so thoughtful of you, Ryan. We should be back in a few hours, depending on how strong the Irish coffees are at the lodge."
With that, Sandy and Kirsten left. Ryan stood by the window, watching the car drive off.
.................................
Seth hid in his room until he heard the front door close. Had Ryan gone with them? He poked his head out to see if he could hear any activity in the cabin. Silence.
He creeped tentatively into the main room, and found Ryan working on building a fire.
He tried to creep back to his bedroom unnoticed, but he heard Ryan's voice behind him.
"I thought you were napping."
"I was. I just...was looking for my iPod. It helps me fall asleep."
Ryan pointed to it on the countertop.
"Thanks. I'll be going back to take that nap now. Later."
Seth tried to listen to music, but every song made him think of Ryan. How good he looked building a fire. How nice it would be to sit out there with him in front of the fireplace. Almost...romantic, even. Then just as quickly, he pushed the image out of his head. Fantasies like this only lead to disappointment. They had made sure of that.
Ryan sat in front of the fire, feeling very alone. He thought of Seth, thought about going to try to talk to him, but he knew it was useless. Any chance they had was long gone. This is how it would be between them. Ryan pushed down the pain, the feelings of loss, of wanting, of needing.
After a few hours, Ryan started to make dinner. Soon the smell of roasted chicken wafted through the house. Seth had already eaten through his supply of snacks, and he found himself starving, venturing out to the kitchen against his better judgment.
When he passed by the dining room, he was surprised by what he saw. The table was set for an intimate dinner for two, complete with wine and candles. The lights were dimmed, and there was soft music playing. Seth marveled that maybe he wasn't the only one thinking of romance.
Ryan saw Seth come into the kitchen, and didn't say anything at first. If he saw the surprised look on Seth's face, he didn't let on.
"So, um, Ryan. What's with the fancy dinner? Are you trying to seduce me?" Seth had meant it as a joke, but it came out with a squeak, and just sounded desperate and silly.
Ryan didn't look up. "It's for your parents. I thought it would be nice to let them have a nice romantic dinner together."
"Oh." Seth nearly choked on the word. "Right. Silly me. I was just kidding."
Ryan looked up at this. "Of course you were." His expression was inscrutable.
"So, is there anything I can eat?"
"Yeah. There's plenty for us, too. I figured we could just eat in the tv room or something. Give them some privacy."
"Okay. Just let me know when it's ready." Seth hesitated. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, it's all taken care of. I'm just surprised they aren't back yet. They said they'd be here by now."
Seth looked out the window and whistled. "Have you seen how much snow has come down?"
Ryan edged towards another window and pulled back the curtain. "Wow. That's a lot of snow. Is that normal for around here?"
"I don't think so. It looks awfully deep to me. I can hardly see the tire tracks from when the car was here."
Ryan and Seth both looked at the steep hill that led up to the cabin, and both seemed to realize how hard it would be to climb, even with a Range Rover.
"Do you think they'll even make it up here?"
"Did they say if they'd be drinking?"
"They did mention it, yeah."
"Then they're not coming back. This happened once before. There are rooms in the lodge. They'll probably just stay there tonight and try to come back up here in the morning."
"Are you serious? You mean we're..."
"Alone? Together? Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I'm saying."
"Should we try to call them?"
"No point. Phones almost never get reception all the way up here. You're welcome to try if you want..."
Ryan grabbed his cell phone and dialed Kirsten's cell. He was trying not to panic. The thought of being stuck alone with Seth all night was too frightening to even ponder.
He was surprised when Kirsten answered the phone. The reception was terrible, but he was able to make out "snow", "blizzard", and "hill too steep". He also thought he heard something that sounded like "work out your feelings", but he was sure that was just his imagination.
"They're not coming back, right?"
"Um, right."
"So I guess we might as well eat..."
*********************
Ryan put the food on serving plates and started to carry it into the den, but walking through the dining room, it seemed a shame to let all his decorative preparations go to waste.
"Seth. Do you want to come eat in here?"
Seth entered the dining room, and was quietly pleased to see that Ryan had lit the candles and opened the wine. He knew that none of this was originally for him, but it felt nice anyway.
"Want some?" Ryan was holding the wine bottle over Seth's glass.
"Sure, I guess. Does it taste good?"
Ryan took a sip from the bottle. "It's not bad. Not that I have a lot of wine experience to compare it to..."
As Ryan poured, Seth watched his glass get fuller and fuller, and he realized that Ryan didn't know that wine glasses weren't meant to be filled to the top.
Ryan picked up his own brimming glass and drank down nearly half of it. Nerves. Had to do something about the nerves. Why did sitting here with Seth seem so right and so wrong all at once?
Seth tried to imitate him, but nearly choked trying to swallow so much wine in one big gulp. He decided he'd better just sip it after all. No point trying to show off and making a complete fool of himself.
Ryan reached over the table and took Seth's plate and filled it. It was a nice gesture. An intimate gesture, in a way. Seth was getting nervous again. What was going on here?
"Everything looks really good, Ryan."
"Thanks. I hope it tastes as good as it looks."
They ate in silence for a while. The only sound in the room was the soft music wafting from the stereo. They tried hard not to look at each other, but the effort was difficult. Seth had finished his glass of wine, and reached for the bottle to pour himself more. His hand reached the bottle a second after Ryan's. When their hands touched, a shock passed between them, causing Seth to draw back immediately.
Ryan let a small smile slip. "Here, let me," and he reached over to take Seth's glass and fill it.
Seth pretended to act relaxed, but his heart was pounding. When Ryan set down the glass, it was all he could do to keep from grabbing his hand before it retreated to the other side of the table.
Ryan caught his eye and smiled. An open, sincere smile. If Ryan knew what Seth was thinking, he didn't show it. And that made Seth feel even worse.
He finished his wine quickly, then noticed that the bottle was empty. Had they really gone through the whole bottle?
"I guess I'll start the dishes."
"I'll come help."
"No, you cooked. You get to relax now. I'll take care of cleaning up in the kitchen."
Nonetheless, Ryan followed Seth, carrying their empty plates and glasses.
"I told you I'd get it..."
"I know. But I want to help."
Seth sighed. "Fine."
They worked together in silence, loading the dishwasher, scrubbing pots. Seth was up to his elbows in soapy dishwater when he felt Ryan come and stand behind him. He felt Ryan's warm breath on him, and every little hair on the back of his neck stood on end.
Ryan reached his arms around Seth and hugged him from behind. Seth stiffened at first, then gave in, relaxing and letting his head fall on Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan just kept holding Seth and didn't say anything.
"What are we gonna do, Ryan?"
"About your parents?"
"No. What are we going to do tonight?"
"What do you want to do?"
Seth spun around in Ryan's arms and grabbed him around the waist with his wet soapy hands. He kissed Ryan urgently, all of the built-up tension springing through his lips.
Ryan matched Seth's kiss, and only broke away to struggle for air. He pushed Seth's back against the kitchen counter, leaning into him fiercely, pressing their bodies together.
Seth gasped, and Ryan worried that he had gone too far.
"Seth, please don't make me stop. Please. Don't make me stop. I want this so bad. Please."
"Don't stop, Ryan. I want this too. Don't stop. God, I want this so much."
They stood there kissing feverishly for what felt like forever, finally allowing all of the pent-up feelings to come out. They rubbed against each other, every nerve ending in one seeking its companion in the other.
Seth drew away from Ryan, and panted that they might want to lie down somewhere. Ryan led him by the hand and laid him down in front of the fireplace. Then once again, they were kissing and moving together urgently.
Seth felt Ryan's hands slip beneath his shirt and stroke his back. When Ryan's hands slipped around to the front and he felt Ryan's fingers brush his nipple, he shuddered with anticipation.
Then Ryan was drawing away, sitting back on his heels, a concerned look on his face.
"Should we really be doing this now? We haven't even talked yet."
"Ryan. Hello. We are all alone, nobody around for miles, laying on a blanket in front of a warm fireplace, the windows are all frosty, it's a winter wonderland, everything is beautiful. I couldn't begin to imagine a more perfect time or place for this to happen."
Ryan smiled, and crawled over Seth, propped up on his arms, so that their bodies were lined up but not touching.
"We've waited so long Seth. Why now?"
Seth tried to pull Ryan down on top of him, but Ryan brushed his hands aside.
"Why not now? It's inevitable. There's no way around it. I'll either die from the consequences or die from not doing this when we had the chance. I want you so bad, Ryan. I want you now. Here. Always." And the last word came out so quietly it was almost like a prayer.
Ryan remained propped up on his strong arms, and leaned down enough to kiss Seth passionately. They kissed like that for a while, their lips the only part of them in contact. It was taking all of Seth's self control not to reach for Ryan, to pull him down, crush their bodies together.
"What if we stopped right here? What if we didn't do anything more?"
"I don't think I can stop, Ryan. But even if I could, it's too late to turn back now. There's no possible way for us to pretend that this hasn't happened."
Seth was looking Ryan up and down, tucking his hands behind his back to keep from reaching out to touch him. Their eyes met once more, and Ryan leaned down to kiss Seth again, but this time he allowed one of his legs to lean against Seth's.
"Ohhhhh." Even that small amount of contact was nearly overwhelming. Seth felt the energy flow between their bodies.
Then Ryan lowered his other leg next to Seth, then in one graceful motion, allowed himself to sink gently on top of him.
The feel of Ryan's strong body against his sent Seth into pure bliss. He reached his arms around Ryan to draw him closer and closer, deeper and deeper into an embrace that felt like their bodies would fuse together and make them one.
Seth lifted Ryan's shirt off and moved his hands over Ryan's strong arms, chest, shoulders. Their eyes were locked on each other, and neither had the power to look away.
Ryan felt heady with the intensity of their connection. He knew there was no way to go back now. He was risking everything that was ever good in his life. But he knew it would be worth it.
*******************************
Once they were sated, they laid together naked underneath a blanket by the fire. Seth was holding Ryan, hoping he was hearing sighs of contentment, not regret. Their smooth bodies were pressed together, keeping each other warm.
Seth broke the silence. "Are you sorry this happened?" He was afraid to ask, but he had to know.
"I'm not sorry." Ryan rolled over to look at him. "This is amazing. I'm really glad we did this."
"Does...that mean that we'll ever do it again? Or was this a blizzard- induced lack of judgment?"
Ryan's eyes were sad. "I don't know, Seth. I don't know that I want to hide all the time. To live in fear of people finding out about us."
"What if we didn't hide it?"
Ryan propped his head on his hand and looked down at Seth. "You would do that? Be public about this. About us."
"Ryan, I'm not ashamed. How could I possibly feel ashamed about something that is so obviously right? This is the way it should be. This feels too good to be wrong. We'll find some way to tell my parents. And we'll just have to hope they don't send one of us away to boarding school or something."
Ryan thought for a moment. "Did you ever think that maybe your parents might already know?"
"No, because there wasn't anything *to* know until about an hour ago."
"Seth, I think they may have done this on purpose. They may not have known what exactly would happen between us tonight, but I think they may know we have feelings for each other."
"Get out. Really?"
Seth had a thought, and got up quickly and left the room. He returned with a smile on his face, crawling quickly back under the blanket.
"They know," he said assuredly.
"They know?"
"They totally know."
"Why are you so sure?"
"Because their clothes aren't here - they never brought them in when we unloaded the car. They knew they wouldn't be spending the night here....they planned this all along."
"But why does that mean they know, um, everything?"
Seth rubbed his eyes and handed Ryan a note written on Kirsten's stationery.
Ryan and Seth,
We hope that you are reading this together, because that will mean
that you are at least speaking to each other again. We love you boys
more than words can express. We want you to be happy. Whatever path
that leads you on, we will love you and support you unconditionally.
We can deal with the details later. Enjoy your weekend of freedom,
but understand that there will be some things to discuss when you get
back home. Have fun. We'll be back to get you on Monday."
Love,
K & S
"Wow."
"I know. I told you they were cool. They love you Ryan. They're your family now."
"Now isn't really the time to be emphasizing that particular point."
"Sorry. You just need to understand how important you are to them. And to me, of course."
Ryan looked into Seth's caring eyes, wondering how he had ever survived before without Seth in his life.
"I love you, Seth. I really, really do."
"I love you too, Ryan. I'm sorry this took so long."
"It was worth it. I'd wait years for you if it led to an ending like this."
"Ending? Don't you mean beginning?"
Ryan kissed him softly. "Exactly my point."
************
This is the fourth story in the "Natural Disaster" series. For the other three, see funkychunky and spqr on fanfiction.net.
************
Oh my god, this is so schmoopy. Warm and fuzzy and angsty, and barely a hint of smut. What's happening to me? Honestly, this may be my favorite fic I've written so far, even though it's so totally different from all of my others.
************
There was never a time they didn't want each other. The electricity between them was undeniable from the first moment their eyes met.
The initial days and weeks were filled with longing glances and insecurity. Then there was an over-enthusiastic hug followed by crimson blushes. Accidental brushes of thigh against thigh on the couch. Gentle acts of kindness that no one else would notice.
It was only one particular day when Ryan held Seth's gaze for just a moment too long, and Seth didn't even try to look away, and they sat like that, with desire and yearning written all over their faces, that's when it became impossible.
Seth had tried to speak, but Ryan reached a hand to his lips to silence him. They continued to stare longingly at each other, and the silence grew. Grew and blossomed until it overcame them both, and they were helpless to express anything with words. Ryan broke the spell, brushing his hand almost imperceptibly against Seth's cheek as he rose to leave. Walked all the way to the pier without looking back once. Seth had just sat in silence, the place where Ryan's hand had touched him burning to his soul.
Seth was waiting for Ryan in the poolhouse when he returned hours later. Ryan acted casual, pretended like nothing unusual had happened, and all Seth could do was pretend along. That night, in his bed, Seth wondered and dreamed and fantasized about Ryan, imagining the way Ryan's hands would feel on his shoulders, how his lips would taste in a kiss, how strong his arms would feel as he held him tight.
The next morning, Ryan came into Seth's room and sat on his bed, gently shaking his hip beneath the covers to wake him. When Seth didn't wake up, Ryan stretched out beside him and softly stroked his hair. When Seth still didn't move, Ryan silently rose from the bed and went back to his room. Seth laid there shaking, eyes squeezed shut but wide awake, not knowing what to do.
The entire week passed that way. One would gain the courage to try while the other shied away. Ryan rested his arm on the couch behind Seth while they were watching a movie, and Seth panicked and left the room. Another day while playing video games, Seth's arm grazed against Ryan's, and Ryan immediately jumped up and ran to the poolhouse, no explanation. Not that Seth needed one.
Neither of them knew what to do, what to say. Neither of them realized that they simultaneously called each others' name softly in the night. Neither of them was aware that they both fantasized about each other, imagining the things they could do together. The idea of a possibility had been communicated, but neither of them seemed able to act on it.
.................................................
They started to avoid each other completely. It was torture, each of them losing the only other person they enjoyed spending time with. Seth went back to doing everything alone. And Ryan became the solitary outsider he always knew he'd be.
The Cohen parents noticed, but they didn't mention it to the boys. They discussed it in private, wondering if there was something wrong, or if the boys had simply grown apart. They did have different interests, different activities they enjoyed. Maybe this is what normal would be for them. Neither of them brought up the most challenging answer, the one they were afraid to discuss. They had both noticed the longing and yearning that the boys had tried so hard to hide. But even Kirsten and Sandy couldn't bring themselves to talk about it. To bring it out into the open.
..........
Eventually, Seth was the first to crack. One night he waited for Ryan on the pier until his shift at the restaurant ended. When Ryan saw Seth waiting for him, like old times, his face lit up.
"So to what do I owe this honor?"
Seth was nervous, biting his lower lip. "I just wanted to see you. Talk to you."
"Do you want to talk? Or *talk*?"
"Either. Both. I don't know. What do you want?"
"I think we need to really talk."
"Fine. Do you want to sit on the beach?
The sun was beginning to set over the ocean, and the view was beautiful. They found a slightly secluded spot and sat near each other, careful not to be close enough to accidentally touch.
"So...what should we talk about?"
"Well, Seth, I can think of something."
"And that is..."
"That is the fact that we seem to have a 'thing' for each other."
"A 'thing'. Hmm. Could you be more specific please?"
"Seth, don't play dumb. You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"I know, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood a little. Sorry. So, um, yeah. There's this 'thing'. What are we gonna do about it?"
"What *can* we do? We live together. We're nearly brothers. We have to figure out how to make this go away. Or at least find a way to work it out so that we can still be friends."
"So you don't think there's any way we can act on it." It was a statement, not a question. Seth didn't even attempt to hide his disappointment.
"I don't really see how, Seth. Your parents are my parents now. That makes us brothers. There's no possible way that this could be okay with them. No way."
Seth thought for a moment. "It's not like we're blood relatives. Maybe they would be okay with it. They're pretty cool, you know, for parents."
"This is a little more serious than a spill on the rug or a dented fender. You can't know how they would react to something like this."
"Maybe I could feel them out...ask hypothetical questions or something to see what they might think."
"If you even hint at anything like us, they're going to know. And then they'll kick me out. I don't really think I can handle that. As much as I want you, I can't afford to take a risk like that. Not now. Not when I have the first stable home in my entire life."
Seth heard "I want you", and his heart soared. But understanding the risk involved for Ryan, he forced himself to hear the whole statement, not just the phrase he liked best.
He had to try one last time, no matter how selfish it might sound. "Ryan, I just wish that I was important enough to you that you would take the chance."
Ryan's eyes darkened. "That's a cheap shot, Cohen, and you know it."
"You're right. I have no business saying anything like that to you. I can't even begin to imagine what things have been like in your life. I'm sorry. Really."
"It's okay. You gave it your best shot." Ryan almost smiled a little, looking at Seth out of the corner of his eye.
"So could I maybe just get one kiss? Just one, something to remember, to understand..."
"Why should we torture ourselves like that? We can't be together. As much as I'd like to kiss you, touch you, hold you...fuck." Ryan's face showed pure anguish.
"I want all of those things, too, Ryan. Sometimes it's all I can think about." Seth's voice was choked. "But I respect your decision. We don't ever have to talk about this again. Conversation over."
"Can we be friends again?"
"We always were friends. But if you mean, will we spend time together? I don't know. I may need some time to get over this. It's too hard to look at you and want you so bad it hurts and know I can't have you." Seth wasn't even looking at him now.
Ryan wanted to make the pain stop. To relieve the frustration and anger they both felt. He reached out his hand to tilt Seth's face so that he could look into his eyes. Seth avoided Ryan's gaze as long as he could. When their eyes finally met, Seth was stricken by the conflict he saw reflected in Ryan's eyes. He found himself leaning forward into Ryan and Ryan leaning in as well, their mouths inching closer and closer.
Ryan sat back quickly and snatched his hand away from Seth's face. His face was filled with pain and apologies. "We can't, Seth. We just can't."
He rose and walked away, leaving Seth alone to mourn a relationship that would never have a chance.
............
So it was back to the avoidance. The distance. Kirsten and Sandy didn't even discuss it after a while. Seth was always alone before Ryan had moved in, so there wasn't much unusual about him being alone now. And they didn't really know what Ryan had been like before he came into their home, so they didn't have anything to compare his behavior to.
They both tried hard not to remember the happy times when Ryan first arrived. When he and Seth spent nearly every waking hour together. When they were both so happy and close, enjoying each others' company. Clearly those times had passed, and it wasn't for them to try and change it.
.............
One night found Seth in his room, pacing, literally pacing the floor, trying to decide what to do. Could he really do anything about this? Would he go crazy if he didn't?
He went down the stairs and into the yard, feeling his courage already slipping away. He sat by the pool, trying to work up his nerve.
His hands lazily traced patterns in the surface of the pool, the rippling water soothing his psyche. It started to entrance him a little, and he found himself getting sleepy.
With a furtive look towards Ryan's door, he dried his hand on his shirt and walked back towards his house in resignation. Before he reached the door, Ryan grabbed him from behind and spun him around so they were face-to-face.
"Why did you come down here, Seth?" The words sounded harsh, but Ryan's expression was soft, not threatening.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"So talk."
"Ryan, this is so hard to say. I think...I think we have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
"Stop avoiding each other. Stop...."
"Stop wanting each other?"
"Yeah. I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I miss having you around."
"But I am around, Seth. I'm around all the time. You've been avoiding me too. And you know that things were okay before only because neither of us could admit our feelings. But now we know. And we can't change that."
"You're right. We can't change it. But what else can we do?"
"We could do this ..."
And Ryan pulled Seth into his arms in a strong embrace, pressing his lips against Seth's neck. Seth gasped, then tried to push Ryan away. But Ryan was too strong. Seth fell limp into Ryan, shaking.
"Seth, if you could convince me for even one minute that you didn't need this every bit as badly as I did, I would walk away from here right now. But I don't think you want that."
"I don't want that. I don't want you to go. Please, please don't go."
"Then say it. Say that you want me. That you need me. That you can't go on another day without me."
"I can't. I can't do this. Please don't make me Ryan. Please. I can't risk losing you."
"You won't lose me."
"But what about my parents? What if they send you away?"
"Maybe you were right. Maybe they'll understand. They want you to be happy. Don't you think I can make you happy?"
"Yes, but..."
"It's only the yes that matters. Everything else is secondary."
"Ryan, don't. I'm begging you. If I hold you, I'll never be able to let you go."
"I wouldn't want you to let me go."
"I can't do this Ryan. I'm sorry, but I can't. It's too hard."
Seth broke free of Ryan, and ran into the house. He went straight into his room, closing and locking the door behind him, throwing himself on his bed in frustration.
..............................
More time passed. Ryan and Seth didn't talk at all. Nobody even noticed it anymore. It had become the status quo.
...........
One Friday morning, Seth stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. His parents were both there, and he noticed that neither of them was dressed for work.
"What's up? How come you guys are still here?"
"It's a long weekend, Seth. We're going skiing, remember? Don't tell me you haven't packed yet."
Shit. He had forgotten all about the trip. "I'm sorry, mom, I'll be ready to go in fifteen minutes. Just let me eat and shower, and I'll get everything together."
Just then, Ryan walked into the house carrying a duffel bag.
"Good morning, Ryan. It looks like you're ready to go!"
"Yeah. This sounds like fun. It will be nice to get away from here for a while." He tried hard to avoid Seth's gaze.
He set down his bag and left the room, saying he needed to go back to the poolhouse to grab something he forgot.
"Ryan's coming with us?"
"Of course, honey? What did you think, we were going to leave him here?"
"Does he even know how to ski?"
"I don't know. But may I remind you that you didn't either until just a few years ago. Don't be a snob, Seth. I know you two aren't as close as you once were, but I think you can handle a long weekend together." Sandy's eyebrows were arched, and Seth knew better than to argue.
"Okay, fine. I'll shower and pack. Ready in a jiff."
Kirsten walked into the family room and found Ryan leaning against the wall, a resigned look on his face.
"Look, Mrs. Cohen, maybe I shouldn't go. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Ryan, you are a part of this family. There won't be any trouble. Seth is being immature, but he'll get over it. To be honest with you, one of the reasons we planned this trip was to see if we could try to get you and Seth to reconnect. You seemed so close once. I won't pry, but I will say that this house would be a better place if you two were friends again."
"Mrs. Cohen - "
"Don't worry. Seth doesn't know that, and I probably shouldn't have told you either. Just try. Please?"
What could Ryan say? "Of course. I'll do my best."
"Thanks Ryan. Now, come help me load up the car."
............................
The trip was a quiet one. Seth listened to his iPod, and Ryan stared silently out the window. When they stopped for lunch, neither of them said more than a few words to the other. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged worried looks, wondering if they had made a mistake in trying to force the issue.
When they arrived at the cabin, everything glistened with snow. It was a pure sparkling paradise. The view of the mountains was breathtaking. Ryan didn't think that any place could be as beautiful as the Cohen home, but the views here gave it a good run for its money.
Ryan and Seth brought their bags in and claimed their bedrooms. Ryan heard Seth tell his parents that he was going to take a nap, so Ryan ventured out into the main room. Sandy and Kirsten were already headed back out.
"Did you want to come with us? There aren't any instructors this time of day, but you can at least get a feel for it."
Ryan looked uneasily back towards Seth's room, not wanting to risk being alone with him, but not really wanting to try skiing without any lessons and risk making a fool of himself.
"That's okay. I'll just hang out here. I can have dinner ready for when you come back."
"That's so thoughtful of you, Ryan. We should be back in a few hours, depending on how strong the Irish coffees are at the lodge."
With that, Sandy and Kirsten left. Ryan stood by the window, watching the car drive off.
.................................
Seth hid in his room until he heard the front door close. Had Ryan gone with them? He poked his head out to see if he could hear any activity in the cabin. Silence.
He creeped tentatively into the main room, and found Ryan working on building a fire.
He tried to creep back to his bedroom unnoticed, but he heard Ryan's voice behind him.
"I thought you were napping."
"I was. I just...was looking for my iPod. It helps me fall asleep."
Ryan pointed to it on the countertop.
"Thanks. I'll be going back to take that nap now. Later."
Seth tried to listen to music, but every song made him think of Ryan. How good he looked building a fire. How nice it would be to sit out there with him in front of the fireplace. Almost...romantic, even. Then just as quickly, he pushed the image out of his head. Fantasies like this only lead to disappointment. They had made sure of that.
Ryan sat in front of the fire, feeling very alone. He thought of Seth, thought about going to try to talk to him, but he knew it was useless. Any chance they had was long gone. This is how it would be between them. Ryan pushed down the pain, the feelings of loss, of wanting, of needing.
After a few hours, Ryan started to make dinner. Soon the smell of roasted chicken wafted through the house. Seth had already eaten through his supply of snacks, and he found himself starving, venturing out to the kitchen against his better judgment.
When he passed by the dining room, he was surprised by what he saw. The table was set for an intimate dinner for two, complete with wine and candles. The lights were dimmed, and there was soft music playing. Seth marveled that maybe he wasn't the only one thinking of romance.
Ryan saw Seth come into the kitchen, and didn't say anything at first. If he saw the surprised look on Seth's face, he didn't let on.
"So, um, Ryan. What's with the fancy dinner? Are you trying to seduce me?" Seth had meant it as a joke, but it came out with a squeak, and just sounded desperate and silly.
Ryan didn't look up. "It's for your parents. I thought it would be nice to let them have a nice romantic dinner together."
"Oh." Seth nearly choked on the word. "Right. Silly me. I was just kidding."
Ryan looked up at this. "Of course you were." His expression was inscrutable.
"So, is there anything I can eat?"
"Yeah. There's plenty for us, too. I figured we could just eat in the tv room or something. Give them some privacy."
"Okay. Just let me know when it's ready." Seth hesitated. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, it's all taken care of. I'm just surprised they aren't back yet. They said they'd be here by now."
Seth looked out the window and whistled. "Have you seen how much snow has come down?"
Ryan edged towards another window and pulled back the curtain. "Wow. That's a lot of snow. Is that normal for around here?"
"I don't think so. It looks awfully deep to me. I can hardly see the tire tracks from when the car was here."
Ryan and Seth both looked at the steep hill that led up to the cabin, and both seemed to realize how hard it would be to climb, even with a Range Rover.
"Do you think they'll even make it up here?"
"Did they say if they'd be drinking?"
"They did mention it, yeah."
"Then they're not coming back. This happened once before. There are rooms in the lodge. They'll probably just stay there tonight and try to come back up here in the morning."
"Are you serious? You mean we're..."
"Alone? Together? Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I'm saying."
"Should we try to call them?"
"No point. Phones almost never get reception all the way up here. You're welcome to try if you want..."
Ryan grabbed his cell phone and dialed Kirsten's cell. He was trying not to panic. The thought of being stuck alone with Seth all night was too frightening to even ponder.
He was surprised when Kirsten answered the phone. The reception was terrible, but he was able to make out "snow", "blizzard", and "hill too steep". He also thought he heard something that sounded like "work out your feelings", but he was sure that was just his imagination.
"They're not coming back, right?"
"Um, right."
"So I guess we might as well eat..."
*********************
Ryan put the food on serving plates and started to carry it into the den, but walking through the dining room, it seemed a shame to let all his decorative preparations go to waste.
"Seth. Do you want to come eat in here?"
Seth entered the dining room, and was quietly pleased to see that Ryan had lit the candles and opened the wine. He knew that none of this was originally for him, but it felt nice anyway.
"Want some?" Ryan was holding the wine bottle over Seth's glass.
"Sure, I guess. Does it taste good?"
Ryan took a sip from the bottle. "It's not bad. Not that I have a lot of wine experience to compare it to..."
As Ryan poured, Seth watched his glass get fuller and fuller, and he realized that Ryan didn't know that wine glasses weren't meant to be filled to the top.
Ryan picked up his own brimming glass and drank down nearly half of it. Nerves. Had to do something about the nerves. Why did sitting here with Seth seem so right and so wrong all at once?
Seth tried to imitate him, but nearly choked trying to swallow so much wine in one big gulp. He decided he'd better just sip it after all. No point trying to show off and making a complete fool of himself.
Ryan reached over the table and took Seth's plate and filled it. It was a nice gesture. An intimate gesture, in a way. Seth was getting nervous again. What was going on here?
"Everything looks really good, Ryan."
"Thanks. I hope it tastes as good as it looks."
They ate in silence for a while. The only sound in the room was the soft music wafting from the stereo. They tried hard not to look at each other, but the effort was difficult. Seth had finished his glass of wine, and reached for the bottle to pour himself more. His hand reached the bottle a second after Ryan's. When their hands touched, a shock passed between them, causing Seth to draw back immediately.
Ryan let a small smile slip. "Here, let me," and he reached over to take Seth's glass and fill it.
Seth pretended to act relaxed, but his heart was pounding. When Ryan set down the glass, it was all he could do to keep from grabbing his hand before it retreated to the other side of the table.
Ryan caught his eye and smiled. An open, sincere smile. If Ryan knew what Seth was thinking, he didn't show it. And that made Seth feel even worse.
He finished his wine quickly, then noticed that the bottle was empty. Had they really gone through the whole bottle?
"I guess I'll start the dishes."
"I'll come help."
"No, you cooked. You get to relax now. I'll take care of cleaning up in the kitchen."
Nonetheless, Ryan followed Seth, carrying their empty plates and glasses.
"I told you I'd get it..."
"I know. But I want to help."
Seth sighed. "Fine."
They worked together in silence, loading the dishwasher, scrubbing pots. Seth was up to his elbows in soapy dishwater when he felt Ryan come and stand behind him. He felt Ryan's warm breath on him, and every little hair on the back of his neck stood on end.
Ryan reached his arms around Seth and hugged him from behind. Seth stiffened at first, then gave in, relaxing and letting his head fall on Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan just kept holding Seth and didn't say anything.
"What are we gonna do, Ryan?"
"About your parents?"
"No. What are we going to do tonight?"
"What do you want to do?"
Seth spun around in Ryan's arms and grabbed him around the waist with his wet soapy hands. He kissed Ryan urgently, all of the built-up tension springing through his lips.
Ryan matched Seth's kiss, and only broke away to struggle for air. He pushed Seth's back against the kitchen counter, leaning into him fiercely, pressing their bodies together.
Seth gasped, and Ryan worried that he had gone too far.
"Seth, please don't make me stop. Please. Don't make me stop. I want this so bad. Please."
"Don't stop, Ryan. I want this too. Don't stop. God, I want this so much."
They stood there kissing feverishly for what felt like forever, finally allowing all of the pent-up feelings to come out. They rubbed against each other, every nerve ending in one seeking its companion in the other.
Seth drew away from Ryan, and panted that they might want to lie down somewhere. Ryan led him by the hand and laid him down in front of the fireplace. Then once again, they were kissing and moving together urgently.
Seth felt Ryan's hands slip beneath his shirt and stroke his back. When Ryan's hands slipped around to the front and he felt Ryan's fingers brush his nipple, he shuddered with anticipation.
Then Ryan was drawing away, sitting back on his heels, a concerned look on his face.
"Should we really be doing this now? We haven't even talked yet."
"Ryan. Hello. We are all alone, nobody around for miles, laying on a blanket in front of a warm fireplace, the windows are all frosty, it's a winter wonderland, everything is beautiful. I couldn't begin to imagine a more perfect time or place for this to happen."
Ryan smiled, and crawled over Seth, propped up on his arms, so that their bodies were lined up but not touching.
"We've waited so long Seth. Why now?"
Seth tried to pull Ryan down on top of him, but Ryan brushed his hands aside.
"Why not now? It's inevitable. There's no way around it. I'll either die from the consequences or die from not doing this when we had the chance. I want you so bad, Ryan. I want you now. Here. Always." And the last word came out so quietly it was almost like a prayer.
Ryan remained propped up on his strong arms, and leaned down enough to kiss Seth passionately. They kissed like that for a while, their lips the only part of them in contact. It was taking all of Seth's self control not to reach for Ryan, to pull him down, crush their bodies together.
"What if we stopped right here? What if we didn't do anything more?"
"I don't think I can stop, Ryan. But even if I could, it's too late to turn back now. There's no possible way for us to pretend that this hasn't happened."
Seth was looking Ryan up and down, tucking his hands behind his back to keep from reaching out to touch him. Their eyes met once more, and Ryan leaned down to kiss Seth again, but this time he allowed one of his legs to lean against Seth's.
"Ohhhhh." Even that small amount of contact was nearly overwhelming. Seth felt the energy flow between their bodies.
Then Ryan lowered his other leg next to Seth, then in one graceful motion, allowed himself to sink gently on top of him.
The feel of Ryan's strong body against his sent Seth into pure bliss. He reached his arms around Ryan to draw him closer and closer, deeper and deeper into an embrace that felt like their bodies would fuse together and make them one.
Seth lifted Ryan's shirt off and moved his hands over Ryan's strong arms, chest, shoulders. Their eyes were locked on each other, and neither had the power to look away.
Ryan felt heady with the intensity of their connection. He knew there was no way to go back now. He was risking everything that was ever good in his life. But he knew it would be worth it.
*******************************
Once they were sated, they laid together naked underneath a blanket by the fire. Seth was holding Ryan, hoping he was hearing sighs of contentment, not regret. Their smooth bodies were pressed together, keeping each other warm.
Seth broke the silence. "Are you sorry this happened?" He was afraid to ask, but he had to know.
"I'm not sorry." Ryan rolled over to look at him. "This is amazing. I'm really glad we did this."
"Does...that mean that we'll ever do it again? Or was this a blizzard- induced lack of judgment?"
Ryan's eyes were sad. "I don't know, Seth. I don't know that I want to hide all the time. To live in fear of people finding out about us."
"What if we didn't hide it?"
Ryan propped his head on his hand and looked down at Seth. "You would do that? Be public about this. About us."
"Ryan, I'm not ashamed. How could I possibly feel ashamed about something that is so obviously right? This is the way it should be. This feels too good to be wrong. We'll find some way to tell my parents. And we'll just have to hope they don't send one of us away to boarding school or something."
Ryan thought for a moment. "Did you ever think that maybe your parents might already know?"
"No, because there wasn't anything *to* know until about an hour ago."
"Seth, I think they may have done this on purpose. They may not have known what exactly would happen between us tonight, but I think they may know we have feelings for each other."
"Get out. Really?"
Seth had a thought, and got up quickly and left the room. He returned with a smile on his face, crawling quickly back under the blanket.
"They know," he said assuredly.
"They know?"
"They totally know."
"Why are you so sure?"
"Because their clothes aren't here - they never brought them in when we unloaded the car. They knew they wouldn't be spending the night here....they planned this all along."
"But why does that mean they know, um, everything?"
Seth rubbed his eyes and handed Ryan a note written on Kirsten's stationery.
Ryan and Seth,
We hope that you are reading this together, because that will mean
that you are at least speaking to each other again. We love you boys
more than words can express. We want you to be happy. Whatever path
that leads you on, we will love you and support you unconditionally.
We can deal with the details later. Enjoy your weekend of freedom,
but understand that there will be some things to discuss when you get
back home. Have fun. We'll be back to get you on Monday."
Love,
K & S
"Wow."
"I know. I told you they were cool. They love you Ryan. They're your family now."
"Now isn't really the time to be emphasizing that particular point."
"Sorry. You just need to understand how important you are to them. And to me, of course."
Ryan looked into Seth's caring eyes, wondering how he had ever survived before without Seth in his life.
"I love you, Seth. I really, really do."
"I love you too, Ryan. I'm sorry this took so long."
"It was worth it. I'd wait years for you if it led to an ending like this."
"Ending? Don't you mean beginning?"
Ryan kissed him softly. "Exactly my point."