A/N: Ah, a challenge! This one is under guidelines set by Violet Jones – excellent ones, might I add, Dani. Her fics are really good! It'd be a brilliant idea to check them out. ;)
Disclaimer: The challenge guidelines belong to my Twin Friend, Violet Jones, as well as the phrase 'wicked cool'; the phrase 'loff' belongs to Aly (LJ Fan), 'poof' belongs to some of my online friends, I'm just not completely sure which ones. (Aly, Lynnie, Carrie?) *confused*. All of the characters belong to JK Rowling; the term 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' belongs to the people who wrote that song but I own the certain place; and My Little Pony Tales and all that junk that has to do with it belongs to … the people whose twisted minds dreamed it up. Ha. I own nothing but the plot and absurd distortion of the characters, which came from my own warped mind! Now I command you to enjoy this freaky fic, because you can't get any wicked cooler than the Wicked Coolness!
…The Terms…
- Somebody getting 'close' under the invisibility cloak
- Sirius's New 'do.
- The words "once upon a time" Must be SOMEWHERE in the story.
- MWPP break dancing! (That's Moony, Wormtail, Prongs, Padfoot, btw)
- The 'split'
- It happened in the dark
- Someone unexpected falling madly in love with Snape
- Lucius goes on a shopping spree
- My Little Pony
-Somewhere over the rainbow
Chapter One: Has the World Gone Insane?
Once upon a time, in a land not-so far away, there lived four boys who were very weird. They were called the Marauders by some, miscreants who deserved to be locked up by others. They loved to pull pranks and spread the gift of havoc throughout the land. Right now, they were break-dancing.
"No, Wormtail, like this!" cried Sirius, the hottest of the lot. And he executed some extremely complex move that consisted of him spinning three times, flipping into the air like the dudes on The Matrix, and running into a table.
"Were you supposed to run into the table?" Peter, A.K.A Wormtail asked, befuddled.
Sirius looked up from rubbing his head and cursing at the offending table. He gave Peter a truly angelic grin. In fact, James and Remus, the other two boys in the room, stared in wonder – then rolled their eyes and snickered –as a shining halo appeared over his head. "Of course, Peter," Sirius said kindly. "It's all part of the wicked coolness!"
Peter gazed up at Sirius in awe. "Alright, Padfoot." Peter looked around nervously, then took a deep breath.
And another.
And another.
"I can't do it!" cried an abashed and possibly traumatized Peter. "I can never be as wicked cool as you, Sirius!" He paused. "That's why I'm turning evil! Muwhahahahaha!"
This was where James stepped in. You see, little Peter was prone to sudden and often violent mood swings. "Peter," he said consolingly, "we know that you're –" pause "– special in your own ways, but you don't have to be like Sirius."
This sounded like a compassionate and wise thing to say, coming from the mouth of James Potter no less, (someone call the press!) until he added, "We'd have to kill you if you were."
Peter stared at him. Sirius admired himself in the mirror. That was when Remus chose to express a desire he had long kept secret. He cleared his throat importantly, and, after uttering a "hem, hem" sound that made the author and the other three Marauders jump and look around wildly ("Relax!"), he loudly said "I'd like a chew toy."
More blank stares followed these words. Sirius smiled at himself and said, "Sirius, you sexy beast!"
James ignored them both. "So, Peter, is it the grease or the ice cream?" he asked in what was a would-be cryptic way if it wasn't so obscure.
Peter looked up from carefully applying his hot pink lipstick. "I want the muffins." He twisted his face around in what he seemed to think was a sly way.
Loud gasps followed these terrifying words. Sirius and James staggered backwards and had to be caught by Remus. Both were choking and hacking like they had Fwooper eggs lodged in their throats.
"MALFOY!" They wailed in unison. "HE WANTS TO BE LIKE MALFOY!"
"Ve must keel heem!" Sirius cried in a cheesy Bulgarian/Transylvanian/Russian/Cheese accent.
"No!" Remus said, and threw his arms in front of James and Sirius. "We can't kill him! Only he knows the secret!" As Sirius and James reluctantly moved away from Peter and sat down in a corner, sulking, Remus turned to the task at hand.
"Peter," he said very slowly, "Malfoy is a slimy git. You want to be like him?"
"But he's my slimy git!" bawled Peter, "And I love him!" He seemed to switch personalities for a moment, because the next thing he said was in a fake Brooklyn accent. "Yeah. You gotta problem wit that? Don't go there girl-frand!"
Remus backed away as Peter snapped his fingers in his face. Sirius and James sprang up and ran around the room, screaming, "HE'S A POOF! POOF! POOF!"
"Peter's not a poof!" Remus yelled over the cacophonous cacophony. But, alas! He was too late! With a resounding thud, Sirius and James collided and knocked heads!
Lucius Malfoy ran in – surprising everyone – and started skipping around the room.
"Lucy!" squealed Peter.
And they joined hands and skipped around the room together.
James and Remus backed away slooooooooooowly, but Sirius jumped right up in there and punched Malfoy in the nose for being a poof.
Plus, Lucy was a bad nickname.
"You hit me!" sobbed Malfoy, chocolate syrup streaming down his face. "Now you must diiiiie!"
James and Remus gasped as Malfoy sprouted fangs and his eyes started to glow funky red.
"Okay, dude, that's seriously creepy," Sirius said, sounding like a surfer.
"'at's not 'ery nishe!" Malfoy's speech was somewhat hindered by the three-inch fangs hanging out of his mouth. Sirius burst into laughter at the sound of his breathy voice.
He didn't just laugh. He laughed long and hard, with youthful abandon, and it would've gone on for days if Malfoy hadn't spat venom on his head.
On his hair.
Now, Sirius loved his hair. It was black and silky and fell in his eyes in that just-right way and was oh so yummy. To the ladies, of course.
He was quite alarmed to see James and Remus rolling around on the floor, making odd choking noises. Sirius rushed over to his undoubtedly injured friends, only to find tears rolling down their faces. James let out an especially loud choking sound that actually turned out to be a laugh.
Sirius' brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what was so funny. Then he felt it.
"MY WICKED COOLNESS!" he screamed.
A mirror on the wall that grew from a plant showed him something terrifying.
Something hideous.
Something to strike fear into the hearts of even the hardest potato.
A pink and orange Mohawk.
Sirius screamed in terror and disgust. He ran in circles. He tore at his hair with his hands. He ran into a table again.
Everyone was too busy dying of laughter to notice the contrite Sirius' antics.
Out of the blue, the room was flooded with hearts. Pink hearts, red hearts, big hearts, little hearts, mice hearts, elephant hearts. A huge white cloud floated in, bearing someone totally unexpected.
"Ssssevvie!" shrieked Lucius. "Ssssevv – OW!"
By now, the Marauders were done laughing – bar Sirius – and were looking around. Peter was painting his nails. Sirius was trying to beat his hair off with a book.
James' face cracked into a grin and he felt another fit of hysterical laughter coming on. "Don't… look… at it!" he choked out. Luckily, his glasses fell off and the only thing he could see was … a blur.
"Holy cheese monkeys!" Remus shouted. "It's Snape! With your cloak – What the - ?"
Sirius had succeeded in knocking himself out by now, and James was completely lost. "What? I can't see!"
A meow answered him, followed by what could only be Snape's voice cooing, "Hush, my loff." Then: "Lucy! Petey! Nori and I are getting hitched!"
"We're so happy for you! Can we be the maids of honor?"
"No, silly gooses! I'm the groom!" Snape giggled; Sirius twitched in his unconsciousness.
"Moony? Are we dead?" James asked calmly.
"I don't think so. Maybe we're just drunk."
"Oh. Well, I'm scared –" All the color drained from James' face. "Snivellus's marrying Mrs. Norris?"
Remus nodded.
James' eyes fell out.
A cow walked in and handed them back to him, mooed, and left. James was the only one who saw it, even though he had no eyes at the time.
"Whoa!" said a now eye-possessing James. "Did you see that cow?"
"Cow? It's a wedding present!" squealed Peter, and he ran off to find the cow.
"I'll go on a shopping spree!" Malfoy shrieked, and ran off after Peter.
Snape sighed blissfully and hugged Mrs. Norris. "She's madly in love with me! Nori and I will be going now… tata!" And with that, the cloud and the hearts vanished.
"Wicked!" said James. Remus was trying to wake Sirius up.
"PETER PETTIGREW!"
Remus jumped. James started messing his hair up hastily.
He knew that voice. It had insulted him so many times (she was just playing hard to get!) that he couldn't possibly ever forget it.
Lily Evans stormed in, fury in every non-existent line of her face – she's young! No wrinkles! Her eyes were flashing like blinkers.
"WHERE'S THAT LITTLE RAT?" she shouted.
James was starting to drool, while Remus modestly averted his eyes. "Lily… what happened to you?" he asked as he carefully looking a full two feet to her left.
"PETTIGREW! He was ranting about a cow and a wedding, and then he turned my clothes into these rags, and ran off, babbling about maids of honor!"
Lily wasn't exaggerating when she described her outfit as rags. She was scantily clad in an overly-sequined dress that made her look like a Las Vegas showgirl. Her face had way too much makeup on it, and her hair was piled up on top of her head to show off earrings that looked more like donuts hanging from her earlobes than anything else.
"SEE? I look like a… a… oh-I-can't-even-say-it! I'm going to kill him – WHERE IS HE?"
James was too busy drooling to reply, Sirius was down for the count, and Remus was lost in deeply philosophical thought.
"I think," he began slowly, "that we must fix Sirius' hair. And since Malfoy is clearly the last living Fanged-Flying Monkey -"
"I didn't see a tail," James interjected. "Or wings... wait, I've never even heard of flying monkeys!"
"You were too busy drooling over Lily to notice much of anything," Remus clarified. "Now, as I was saying-"
"Wait!" Lily's eyebrows were both raised. "You mean he's a flying monkey –"
"A fanged flying monkey," James corrected.
Lily didn't even look at him. "Right. A Fanged-Flying Monkey, like from the Wizard of Oz?"
Remus nodded. Lily's eyebrows shot up even higher. James continued to produce surplus saliva while staring at her.
"Will you just close your mouth already?" Lily shouted at James, distinctly annoyed. "And stop drooling! This is exactly why I've never liked you!"
James' mouth snapped shut; he narrowed his eyes. "You know you want me, Evans. You're just playing hard to get!"
"YOU ARE SO INFURIATING!"
"LIKE YOU AREN'T?"
Lily made a growling sound of extreme anger, whipped her wand out, and …
The lights went out, and they were plunged into total darkness.
When the lights came back on, they received the shock of their lives. Remus screamed in terror; Lily gagged and clutched her throat. For there, where James Potter had stood only seconds before, was a…
CARTOON PONY!
"It's from My Little Pony Tales!" Lily was very, very freaked out. Remus backed away. Werewolves are deathly afraid of cutesy things, and this was definitely cutesy.
James looked down at his feet. Well, the stub-thingies that were supposed to be feet, which were attached to legs as straight and stumpy as … a very straight, stumpy thing. Twisting his neck around, he looked behind him. He was black, with what looked like a stag's profile tattooed on his flank. A pair of weird, gauzy wings was attached to his back; a long black tail flicked around behind him. He let out a shrill scream, the whites showing all around his huge, overly eyelashed cartoon eyes - which were framed by white glasses markings.
He was a horse, and a nauseatingly cute one at that!
Lily burst into hysterical laughter. "You're a Flutterpony! AHAHAHA!"
"Well, the mane looks like his hair," Remus said cautiously, pointing to the shock of black hair atop the horse's head that stood out everywhere like he had just been electrocuted.
"Transfiguration was never my strong point," Lily added, making the understatement of the century. "And it happened in the dark."
"WHAT THE BLOODY- !"
That was Sirius, who had just awoken from his state of comatose. His eyebrows shot upward, nearly losing themselves in his hair, and he let out a stream of shocked swearwords. "WHAT THE … WHAT THE …. WHAT - IS - THAT … THAT… THING? It's like a sick imitation of a Thestral!"
James-the-pony was bucking madly and crashing into things, still screaming in horror and revulsion. Sirius screamed along with him once he learned that that thing was his best friend. He threw himself on his knees in front of the rampaging pony. "SPEAK TO ME, PRONGS! SPEAK TO ME!"
James snorted in his face, kicked his hind legs in the air, and turned narrowed eyes on Lily.
Now, when a cartoon horse is glaring at you, you usually feel one of two inclinations: One, to run away, or, two: laugh hysterically. Lily chose the second. She laughed until James pawed the ground with a 'hoof', snorted again, and charged at her.
Lily wasn't prepared for that. Maybe that's why she ended up with a blunt little pony's head stuffed inside her skimpy costume. She screamed at the top of her lungs ("STOP DROOLING - AHHH! HE LICKED ME!!") and beat at him with her fists, then ran away, still screaming. James-the-pony looked immensely satisfied. He whinnied, which might've been a laugh, but no one could tell, and pranced around a bit. Then he realized that he was a nauseatingly cute horse and resumed his hysterics.
"We have to find Lily and follow Malfoy!" Remus declared. "I know where they've gone!"
"You do?" Sirius asked sarcastically. "Then lead the way, Great Moony!"
"We have to get to Somewhere over the Rainbow! It's the only place for a poof to shop for a cat and slimy git's wedding! And there's only one way to get there!" Before anyone could stop him, he vaulted onto James-the-pony's back, pulled Sirius up behind him ("Why am I riding on my best friend's back?") and shouted "Giddy up!" Sulkily, James trotted out, dragging his hooves.
"To Somewhere over the Rainbow, via FlutterPony Express!"
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A/N: Ahaha. Was that funny or was it something else? (Actually, I think it's both, but whatever.) This was seriously screwed up, yet amusing, right? Don't worry! It actually has a plot! *GASP!* I'd really appreciate it if you left a review on the way out. ^__^ I might just sic Malfoy-the-Fanged-Flying-Monkey on you if you don't! *shiver* lol.
Love 'n' stuff,
¤ Thestral's Spell ¤