Originally posted on under the name armitage374 on 11-02-03

Updated with Grammarly correction on 02-05-16

Notice: Since the initial publication of this fiction, the Unofficial International JR Bourne Fan Club have been closed down. Shit happens.

Title: "Radical Intervention"

Author: armitage374

Spoilers:"Tok'ra", a big freaking honking one for "Divide and Conquer", tiny ones for "Need" and "Hathor"

Genre: Humour? Denial anyway.

Rating: Uh...PG13 (Just to be on the safe side)

Disclaimers: Would like to own them (If I did, "Divide and Conquer" never would have happened), but unfortunately the characters and places of Star Gate - SG 1 belongs to those evil, evil Powers That Be at Gekko, Double Secret Productions and MGM (When I take over the Tau'rii, they shall feel my wrath. Whoopsie, looks like my alter ego is getting restless. Better go annoy the other Systemlords :)).

Authors Notes:

Ok, this one sort of just SCREAMED to get written, even though I don't like it much. And no, this is not a reply to my own challenge. I just got bored, so I discharged my brain for the day, let the hormones take over and started writing :).

And it hasn't been betaed either :)).

My sincere apologies to anyone, who's names I stole out of a lack of inspiration.

They are the following:

Jewels, Jack Romminger, Gate Jumper and myself. Oh, that's right I just gave myself permission. And no: I normally don't behave like a demented teenager in real life :).

Embarkation room, SGC.

Sam cradled Martouf's body in her arms, the shock of what she had done not quit having caught up with her yet.

Suddenly a voice boomed out from nowhere.

"OK, Am I the only one that thinks this episode sucks or what ?"

The statement was followed by a series of flashes as a group of approximately 30 people appeared out of nowhere. A dark haired woman spoke up.

"Well, Jewels, my friend, I do think you are right. And as the president of the Unofficial International JR Bourne Fan Club, I think we should do something about it. Which is why we are here anyway."

Jack grabbed for his gun simultaneously with Te'alc and a couple of Tok'ra's pointing their Zats at the new arrivals.

"Oh, come'on. Put those things away before someone else gets hurt." The dark haired woman looked irritated as she pushed one of the Zats away and then moved over to kneel next to Sam.

"Sam, honey, You have to let go." The woman's features grew soft as she tried to pry Martouf's body from Sam's arms. After a little bit of struggle, Sam finally let go.

"Ok, Jack, write in a sacophaques with the changes we disscussed earlier, the mysterious woman said, apparently to the cealing. O'Neill looked puzled. "I don't quit follow ?" He looked positively confused by now.

"Colonel, Reality check? I wasn't talking to you !" Her words were followed by a scraping sound as a large part of the usually massive concrete wall opened and let forth a sarcophagus.

"H...How did THAT get there ?" Daniel tried very hard NOT to look like a trout as the sarcophagous, which shouldn't be there in the first place, appeared.

"Well, this IS the land of Denial." Another woman, who's voice suggested that she was the one called Jewels, said. "hey, could someone help me out here ? Our friend here is heavier than he looks and allthough I would enjoy rolling on the floor with him under other circumstances, now is NOT the time " A halfcroaked voice sounded as the darkhaired woman crumbled, trying to lift Martouf of the floor.

A choir of "I'll help" and "I'll take him" "Here, let me help you, Kat" were heard as the rest of the group, which Jack now noticed were mostly woman, moved over and more than eagerly lifted Martouf from the one called Kat's hold.

"What are you doing to Martouf ?" Sam started to sound dangerously angry. Seeing the love of her life, even if he were dead, being manhandled, wasn't something she enjoyed.

"Sam, relax, we are just going to use a modified sarcophagous to resurrect him and remove the Ghoa'uld brainwash." Kat soothed.

Anise raised her voice, sounding arrogant" We are the Tok'ra, we do not use the sar..." That was as far as she got as a lightning jumped out of the wall and hit her squarely in the chest.

"Thanks, Jack. Never liked her anyway." Kat sighed.

"Listen just who the heck are you guys ?" Hammond sounded puzzled. "We're the Unofficial International JR Bourne Fan Club and we are here to correct a mistake made by The Powers That Be." Kat moved over to standby the sarcophagus as Martouf was lowered into it.

"Anyone know how we actually ACTIVATE this thing ?" Kat looked at the others.

"Well if I remember "Need" and "Hathor" correctly, you need to press this thing." one of the others, with a huge nametag which said "Gate Jumper," said, pressing a red jewel on the cover of the sacophagous.

The cover closed.

"Ehhh...Kat are you sure this is going to work ? I really don't wanna get zat'ed. Being dead SO don't becomes me." A small, nervous voice said from the back of the group.

"Easy, this is the land of Divide and Conquer Denial. Anything is possible. Besides, either way, this beats the alternative of going through SG-1 without our favorite snake head."

The next 10 minutes ticked by in an anxious silence as the sarcophagous worked to heal the damage on Martouf's body and mind.

Then the cover slowly opened and a dazed Martouf slowly sat up.

"So how do we know, if he's brainwashed or not ?" Jewels asked.

"Jack, send in the Clinton clone," Kat said out loud.

The blast doors suddenly opened and in walked...Bill Clinton.

"Martouf, allow me to introduce the President of the US, Mr. Bill Clinton."

Martouf looked a little confused. "I am honoured".

"See, what did I say, it worked. He didn't try to toast the pres. Jack get rid of the guy. This world has enough politicians." Kat had a look of triumph on her face.

A small "plop" followed the disappearance of the false president.

"Now, while we are here, why don't we have some fun ?"

Lantesh silently asked his host to get the hell out of there. The look on some of those strangers faces as Kat mentioned fun, was..well unsettling. His worst fears were confirmed as a bunch of very hormonally charged fan club members charged him down the corridors of the SGC, closely followed by Kat, who screamed:

"AS YOUR FAN CLUB PRESIDENT I DEMAND TO GET HIS BOXERS ! IF HE GOT ANY!"

The End.