"Girl: Have you watched Moulin Rouge?
Boy: That was a ghetto movie, dude.
(the factually inaccurate) Boy: Apparently she was sick as hell and she went into a coma during sex.
Girl: Well then, he wasn't too good, was he?"
-The life and times of UCSD freshmen, as witnessed by one Buicious.
Chapter 6: A song's climax
"Oh, Shinji, I'm not getting anything done. This is about as far as I can go right now."
Asuka flopped on her back, sighed, and stared at the ceiling.
Rei stared at the window. Shinji was half-awake.
"Hey, Shinji," Rei suddenly said (after two hours of grueling practice had yielded yet another broken guitar, a palm-mark on Shinji's left cheek, and a knocked out Misato).
"Yes?"
"Isn't Asuka getting better?"
Asuka had been playing through the first refrain of La Malaguena on the classical Misato built the night before. It had actually sounded decent. The guitar, that was.
"I agree."
Rei leaned in closer, causing Shinji to inch back reflexively.
"Stop moving," she whispered.
"Why?"
"I have to ask you something."
"Ok," he said as softly as he could.
"Have you been giving Asuka guitar lessons?"
"It's only been two days, Rei."
Rei pondered for half a second like only her deep mind could. "Yes, but she's gone from breaking a guitar, then yelling, to playing, and then breaking a guitar, and then yelling. That degree of resolve and commitment could only come from her."
"I gave her a few pointers, but most of those only apply to the cello."
Rei turned to see Asuka trying to pull a bow across the guitar strings.
"True. But Shinji," Rei said a little louder, so that Shinji flinched from fear of Asuka being within earshot, "don't you think that she's reached her climax?"
"What?" he asked.
"Perhaps she can't go any farther than she has already gone with you."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, there's a special tome in the Dead Sea Scrolls that foretells the state of climax in simple terms," Rei said a bit louder. "All you must do is listen."
Shinji did.
"Well?"
"SHHH! Listen!"
…..
……….
"Oh Shinji…what are we gonna do now?" Asuka mumbled. "I don't think we can go any farther today. I'm going to take a nap now."
Shinji couldn't make anything out of it. "I don't get it."
"Well, I think I can help. Let me tell you the four basic types of climax. First, there's positive climax – 'Oh, yes!!' - Then there's the masculine climax –'Oh, man!!' - Then there's the the repetitive climax - 'Oh, oh!' ….then there's the fake climax- "Oh, Shinji!!"
Rei burst out laughing, accompanied by a hysterical Asuka.
Shinji turned to them in consternation.
SHE HEARD THAT???
As a life-long friend, Rei had always played tricks on him, but he could never face Asuka if she had actually heard it.
Perhaps she was just pretending she heard it.
Nope.
He flushed a deep red, and, with nothing else to do, ran from the room, but behind him came the energetic cries of two ladies giddily, unmercifully uttering a seemingly never ending chorus of "OH, Shinji!!!"
Meanwhile, Misato was in the kitchen, feeding Pen-pen.
"Oh, those kids," she muttered. "I'm going to have to teach them to be nicer to Shinji. Climax, indeed. I bet he could really give Asuka a run for her money if he tried."
Pen-pen gave no indication of hearing this speech. He merely nodded and nibbled at his fish-meat.
"Hey pen-pen…we don't have a brass section in our band. Can you do anything nice with your beak?
"AERHHHH AERHHHHH… quibble qwueeek!"
"Nice, Pen-pen. Can you hit high C?"
"AERHHh…eeeeeeehhh!"
"Almost there. Just keep working on it. Here's Beethoven's Pathetique. It's a basic exercise you can work on in your free time to fine-tune your beak."
*Nice,* thought Misato. *Now we don't need a saxophone or a trumpet*
Misato turned as Asuka strode in confidently.
She pointed to the red head. "Hey, where's your sex-slave?"
"Huh? Who?"
"Isn't Shinji always next to you?"
-Tokyo 3, 00800 Hours.
"A nuclear device, designated "Scarlet Fury," commonly referred to as the red-head with kawaii, was set to explode upon ignition of the 2mm fuse. At the mention of an offensive, innuendo-crammed comment, said device lit and exploded with 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 times the force of a conventional warhead. The explosion rocked the lower sector of post second-impact Japan and laid waste to all rebuilding efforts sustained in 12 years of arduous reconstruction work. -
That is all the news for now. I need to visit the dentist to replace my old set of dentures. This is TNDJFSDKJ News. Good day."
-------------
"Hey, Shinji." Dark. Eyes on the grey ceiling, Asuka shifted in her futon.
"Isn't it funny how we're sleeping over here, and Rei's sleeping over there?"
She pointed to the other corner of the room.
"Well," Shinji replied, "She likes the solitude."
"Hey Shinji."
"Yea?"
"How long have you known Rei?"
"All my life."
"Oh, really?"
"She's my closest friend."
"But how come you two never talk?"
"I don't know. I think I can feel her, sometimes. Like she's a part of me. I guess we're just satisfied when we meet each other, so there's no need to settle anything."
"Is that what it's all about, Shinji?"
"What?"
"Talking. People only want to talk because they want to settle something."
"Well, if we didn't have to settle anything, we'd all be the same. I imagine it'd be an awfully dull world."
"Hmmm. Darn! I forgot something!"
"What is it?"
"Hey Shinji, did you buy milk at the market yesterday?"
"That's where I'm planning to get it, unless you want to start contributing."
To his surprise, Asuka merely giggled.
"Don't exempt yourself either," she whispered.
"Hey Shinji."
"Yea?"
My, was she talkative.
"I have something to settle with you, Shinji."
"Oh?"
"A guitar duel. Now."
"Won't it wake up Misato?"
"In the safe-room-basement. The door's practically 2 feet thick."
Shinji sighed. He knew this was coming.
Silently, the two crept through the house and down into the room originally meant as a shelter against intruders. In this case, the children were trying to keep the sound of music away from a potentially angry recipient-a Misato floored from 2 vodkas. How she woke up through the lethargy-inducing buzz was anyone's guess. But as long as she was in the house, she was a threat. So the children closed the door behind them, crossing their fingers that what they played wouldn't seep through any cracks or holes.
"Listen Shinji, you know we can't keep the volume down. Volume is an integral part of any musician's configuration. So…"
She turned the volume to MAX.
"This is my tribute to Peter Townshend."
Shinji gasped. Wind-mill strum? An uber-loud down-stroke physically pushed him into the wall. What??? What kind of amplifier was she using?
Asuka's fingers danced with the music as she shifted her hand down into the soul of the guitar-the high end of the fret-board. The guitar wailed as she bore down on the raging solo, striking the strings with a passion that surpassed comprehension. Stroke after stroke…riffs and rhythms melded into a beautiful whole.
When she finished, Shinji was deaf. Her words inaudible, Shinji tried reading her lips. Apparently, she was saying something to the effect of:
"Shinji, I can't hear you! Talk louder! Can you lip-read!?! BAKA! It's your turn! Play now! Yo mama! Love makes the wheel go round and round...President Clinton is not chronically diseased. Are you chronically diseased?" It took her about fifteen minutes to say that.
Shinji responded with:
"Okay." It took him about fifteen minutes, too.
Taking center stage, he put his teeth to the guitar. Jimi Hendrix style, he thought. What shall I play? ….purple haze!
Using his teeth as-
Pop!
Oh No! A missing tooth! It floated through the air in slow motion. With a deep, bass "NOOOOOO," Shinji reached for it. Both him and Asuka dived at the same instant. She caught the tooth, but Shinji tripped and fell. Asuka found something heavy on top of her. What was going on?
Shinji was confused and disoriented. The grey ceiling of the garage faded to black.
------------
Shinji woke up under an unfamiliar ceiling, in a hard bed, and under gray sheets. Always gray sheets. Couldn't the folks at NERV afford anything better? OH well. At least he was warm. And the pain on the back of his head had subsided. But he was thirsty. Outside, he could hear Asuka arguing with "Wondergirl."
"THAT is not how you assemble a V-48 transporter, Wondergirl! The screw goes there-no, not there, there! Geez, haven't you ever worked with screws before?"
Shinji felt a bit excited, so he tried to distract himself with other thoughts. The problem was, he didn't have much to think about. He hadn't been doing anything for the past two months. He could think about the fate of mankind, but he didn't really care that much about it anymore.
How about Pen-Pen? Ah, alas, Pen-Pen was one of the few remaining warm-water penguins to inhabit the earth. Poor fellow. He and Pen-Pen shared a common condition. He had passed by the fire-the fiery redhead, that is-and narrowly escaped premature death more times than he could care to count. Not many could boast of something like that. He prayed that Rei would fare equally well.
Rei! If there was one person he had to protect from the raging red tornado of death, it was Rei. He tried to rush out of the unfamiliar-ceiling-room, but ended up tripping on the numerous cables and tubes linking him to some sort of medical machine. At that same exact moment, Asuka ran into to Shinji's room for her customary hourly check. What could have been an easily avoidable accident ended up with Shinji and Asuka lying spread-eagled on the floor, Shinji on top of Asuka. Shinji tried to get up, but he unexpectedly threw out his back.
Asuka was pulling his hair and mumbling something. Her voice was so muffled, though, that it sounded far-off. Shinji couldn't see. Where was Asuka, anyway? What had he collided with? He felt a pain at the top of his head, but he wasn't quite sure what was causing it. As far as he could tell, his head was submerged in a sweet smelling, soft curtain of some kind. He felt as dizzy as ever. He shook his head and tried to take a look at the squirming ground. It was bright yellow, as bright as the sun. Was he dead?
Had God understood his dreams and brought him this close to the sun? The ground squirmed again. Hold on-squirming ground?
"BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Shinji took a one-way flight to the first floor, courtesy of the red tornado.
----------
Back in the real world:
Asuka struggled to get to her feet, but something was pressing against her. She tried to reach for the electric guitar, which was a mere three feet from her groping hands. Sliding along the floor, she inched closer and closer to her weapon. Stupid Shinji was heavy as a sack of potatoes. What did he think he was doing, anyway? That stupid Shinji. She wasn't even in the mood.
Oh, that's it, she thought. He's sleep-acting. He'd done this before. Last time, he'd tried to use the rocking horse as a visceral Eva 01 to fight off the ceiling Angels. Why Misato hung Angels from the ceiling of her very own home was a mystery worthy of Ripley's investigation.
This time, however, Shinji had grabbed hold of Asuka, and wouldn't let her go. Asuka pondered…and then concluded: So, he thinks that he's fighting some terrible monster or something. Although, I have no idea why he'd hug a monster this tightly. Must be a love-hate relationship. Maybe he fell in love with the kindergarten bully. Suddenly, she realized what she had to do. If he can't develop common sense, I'll have to knock it into him, she thought. Pulling herself half-free of his wrenching hug, she grabbed the guitar and quickly uttered the secret formula:
"1…2…3…let's JAM!"
A beautiful melody. A scream. A thud. Products of a fruitful night.
Shinji remained jammed in the garage door until late morning.
Then he went to the hospital.
For real.
Boy: That was a ghetto movie, dude.
(the factually inaccurate) Boy: Apparently she was sick as hell and she went into a coma during sex.
Girl: Well then, he wasn't too good, was he?"
-The life and times of UCSD freshmen, as witnessed by one Buicious.
Chapter 6: A song's climax
"Oh, Shinji, I'm not getting anything done. This is about as far as I can go right now."
Asuka flopped on her back, sighed, and stared at the ceiling.
Rei stared at the window. Shinji was half-awake.
"Hey, Shinji," Rei suddenly said (after two hours of grueling practice had yielded yet another broken guitar, a palm-mark on Shinji's left cheek, and a knocked out Misato).
"Yes?"
"Isn't Asuka getting better?"
Asuka had been playing through the first refrain of La Malaguena on the classical Misato built the night before. It had actually sounded decent. The guitar, that was.
"I agree."
Rei leaned in closer, causing Shinji to inch back reflexively.
"Stop moving," she whispered.
"Why?"
"I have to ask you something."
"Ok," he said as softly as he could.
"Have you been giving Asuka guitar lessons?"
"It's only been two days, Rei."
Rei pondered for half a second like only her deep mind could. "Yes, but she's gone from breaking a guitar, then yelling, to playing, and then breaking a guitar, and then yelling. That degree of resolve and commitment could only come from her."
"I gave her a few pointers, but most of those only apply to the cello."
Rei turned to see Asuka trying to pull a bow across the guitar strings.
"True. But Shinji," Rei said a little louder, so that Shinji flinched from fear of Asuka being within earshot, "don't you think that she's reached her climax?"
"What?" he asked.
"Perhaps she can't go any farther than she has already gone with you."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, there's a special tome in the Dead Sea Scrolls that foretells the state of climax in simple terms," Rei said a bit louder. "All you must do is listen."
Shinji did.
"Well?"
"SHHH! Listen!"
…..
……….
"Oh Shinji…what are we gonna do now?" Asuka mumbled. "I don't think we can go any farther today. I'm going to take a nap now."
Shinji couldn't make anything out of it. "I don't get it."
"Well, I think I can help. Let me tell you the four basic types of climax. First, there's positive climax – 'Oh, yes!!' - Then there's the masculine climax –'Oh, man!!' - Then there's the the repetitive climax - 'Oh, oh!' ….then there's the fake climax- "Oh, Shinji!!"
Rei burst out laughing, accompanied by a hysterical Asuka.
Shinji turned to them in consternation.
SHE HEARD THAT???
As a life-long friend, Rei had always played tricks on him, but he could never face Asuka if she had actually heard it.
Perhaps she was just pretending she heard it.
Nope.
He flushed a deep red, and, with nothing else to do, ran from the room, but behind him came the energetic cries of two ladies giddily, unmercifully uttering a seemingly never ending chorus of "OH, Shinji!!!"
Meanwhile, Misato was in the kitchen, feeding Pen-pen.
"Oh, those kids," she muttered. "I'm going to have to teach them to be nicer to Shinji. Climax, indeed. I bet he could really give Asuka a run for her money if he tried."
Pen-pen gave no indication of hearing this speech. He merely nodded and nibbled at his fish-meat.
"Hey pen-pen…we don't have a brass section in our band. Can you do anything nice with your beak?
"AERHHHH AERHHHHH… quibble qwueeek!"
"Nice, Pen-pen. Can you hit high C?"
"AERHHh…eeeeeeehhh!"
"Almost there. Just keep working on it. Here's Beethoven's Pathetique. It's a basic exercise you can work on in your free time to fine-tune your beak."
*Nice,* thought Misato. *Now we don't need a saxophone or a trumpet*
Misato turned as Asuka strode in confidently.
She pointed to the red head. "Hey, where's your sex-slave?"
"Huh? Who?"
"Isn't Shinji always next to you?"
-Tokyo 3, 00800 Hours.
"A nuclear device, designated "Scarlet Fury," commonly referred to as the red-head with kawaii, was set to explode upon ignition of the 2mm fuse. At the mention of an offensive, innuendo-crammed comment, said device lit and exploded with 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 times the force of a conventional warhead. The explosion rocked the lower sector of post second-impact Japan and laid waste to all rebuilding efforts sustained in 12 years of arduous reconstruction work. -
That is all the news for now. I need to visit the dentist to replace my old set of dentures. This is TNDJFSDKJ News. Good day."
-------------
"Hey, Shinji." Dark. Eyes on the grey ceiling, Asuka shifted in her futon.
"Isn't it funny how we're sleeping over here, and Rei's sleeping over there?"
She pointed to the other corner of the room.
"Well," Shinji replied, "She likes the solitude."
"Hey Shinji."
"Yea?"
"How long have you known Rei?"
"All my life."
"Oh, really?"
"She's my closest friend."
"But how come you two never talk?"
"I don't know. I think I can feel her, sometimes. Like she's a part of me. I guess we're just satisfied when we meet each other, so there's no need to settle anything."
"Is that what it's all about, Shinji?"
"What?"
"Talking. People only want to talk because they want to settle something."
"Well, if we didn't have to settle anything, we'd all be the same. I imagine it'd be an awfully dull world."
"Hmmm. Darn! I forgot something!"
"What is it?"
"Hey Shinji, did you buy milk at the market yesterday?"
"That's where I'm planning to get it, unless you want to start contributing."
To his surprise, Asuka merely giggled.
"Don't exempt yourself either," she whispered.
"Hey Shinji."
"Yea?"
My, was she talkative.
"I have something to settle with you, Shinji."
"Oh?"
"A guitar duel. Now."
"Won't it wake up Misato?"
"In the safe-room-basement. The door's practically 2 feet thick."
Shinji sighed. He knew this was coming.
Silently, the two crept through the house and down into the room originally meant as a shelter against intruders. In this case, the children were trying to keep the sound of music away from a potentially angry recipient-a Misato floored from 2 vodkas. How she woke up through the lethargy-inducing buzz was anyone's guess. But as long as she was in the house, she was a threat. So the children closed the door behind them, crossing their fingers that what they played wouldn't seep through any cracks or holes.
"Listen Shinji, you know we can't keep the volume down. Volume is an integral part of any musician's configuration. So…"
She turned the volume to MAX.
"This is my tribute to Peter Townshend."
Shinji gasped. Wind-mill strum? An uber-loud down-stroke physically pushed him into the wall. What??? What kind of amplifier was she using?
Asuka's fingers danced with the music as she shifted her hand down into the soul of the guitar-the high end of the fret-board. The guitar wailed as she bore down on the raging solo, striking the strings with a passion that surpassed comprehension. Stroke after stroke…riffs and rhythms melded into a beautiful whole.
When she finished, Shinji was deaf. Her words inaudible, Shinji tried reading her lips. Apparently, she was saying something to the effect of:
"Shinji, I can't hear you! Talk louder! Can you lip-read!?! BAKA! It's your turn! Play now! Yo mama! Love makes the wheel go round and round...President Clinton is not chronically diseased. Are you chronically diseased?" It took her about fifteen minutes to say that.
Shinji responded with:
"Okay." It took him about fifteen minutes, too.
Taking center stage, he put his teeth to the guitar. Jimi Hendrix style, he thought. What shall I play? ….purple haze!
Using his teeth as-
Pop!
Oh No! A missing tooth! It floated through the air in slow motion. With a deep, bass "NOOOOOO," Shinji reached for it. Both him and Asuka dived at the same instant. She caught the tooth, but Shinji tripped and fell. Asuka found something heavy on top of her. What was going on?
Shinji was confused and disoriented. The grey ceiling of the garage faded to black.
------------
Shinji woke up under an unfamiliar ceiling, in a hard bed, and under gray sheets. Always gray sheets. Couldn't the folks at NERV afford anything better? OH well. At least he was warm. And the pain on the back of his head had subsided. But he was thirsty. Outside, he could hear Asuka arguing with "Wondergirl."
"THAT is not how you assemble a V-48 transporter, Wondergirl! The screw goes there-no, not there, there! Geez, haven't you ever worked with screws before?"
Shinji felt a bit excited, so he tried to distract himself with other thoughts. The problem was, he didn't have much to think about. He hadn't been doing anything for the past two months. He could think about the fate of mankind, but he didn't really care that much about it anymore.
How about Pen-Pen? Ah, alas, Pen-Pen was one of the few remaining warm-water penguins to inhabit the earth. Poor fellow. He and Pen-Pen shared a common condition. He had passed by the fire-the fiery redhead, that is-and narrowly escaped premature death more times than he could care to count. Not many could boast of something like that. He prayed that Rei would fare equally well.
Rei! If there was one person he had to protect from the raging red tornado of death, it was Rei. He tried to rush out of the unfamiliar-ceiling-room, but ended up tripping on the numerous cables and tubes linking him to some sort of medical machine. At that same exact moment, Asuka ran into to Shinji's room for her customary hourly check. What could have been an easily avoidable accident ended up with Shinji and Asuka lying spread-eagled on the floor, Shinji on top of Asuka. Shinji tried to get up, but he unexpectedly threw out his back.
Asuka was pulling his hair and mumbling something. Her voice was so muffled, though, that it sounded far-off. Shinji couldn't see. Where was Asuka, anyway? What had he collided with? He felt a pain at the top of his head, but he wasn't quite sure what was causing it. As far as he could tell, his head was submerged in a sweet smelling, soft curtain of some kind. He felt as dizzy as ever. He shook his head and tried to take a look at the squirming ground. It was bright yellow, as bright as the sun. Was he dead?
Had God understood his dreams and brought him this close to the sun? The ground squirmed again. Hold on-squirming ground?
"BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Shinji took a one-way flight to the first floor, courtesy of the red tornado.
----------
Back in the real world:
Asuka struggled to get to her feet, but something was pressing against her. She tried to reach for the electric guitar, which was a mere three feet from her groping hands. Sliding along the floor, she inched closer and closer to her weapon. Stupid Shinji was heavy as a sack of potatoes. What did he think he was doing, anyway? That stupid Shinji. She wasn't even in the mood.
Oh, that's it, she thought. He's sleep-acting. He'd done this before. Last time, he'd tried to use the rocking horse as a visceral Eva 01 to fight off the ceiling Angels. Why Misato hung Angels from the ceiling of her very own home was a mystery worthy of Ripley's investigation.
This time, however, Shinji had grabbed hold of Asuka, and wouldn't let her go. Asuka pondered…and then concluded: So, he thinks that he's fighting some terrible monster or something. Although, I have no idea why he'd hug a monster this tightly. Must be a love-hate relationship. Maybe he fell in love with the kindergarten bully. Suddenly, she realized what she had to do. If he can't develop common sense, I'll have to knock it into him, she thought. Pulling herself half-free of his wrenching hug, she grabbed the guitar and quickly uttered the secret formula:
"1…2…3…let's JAM!"
A beautiful melody. A scream. A thud. Products of a fruitful night.
Shinji remained jammed in the garage door until late morning.
Then he went to the hospital.
For real.