Title: Wishes Are For Dreamers
Author: Yih
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, only the AU scenario.
Beta: Quickjewel
~
9: Wishes are for Believers (September 13, 2003 to September 16, 2003)
"You have to perform two songs," Lucius told him with a grim expression on his face. "I don't know how Voldemort managed, but he somehow got you time to do two songs. I could wring his neck if he wasn't such an important figure in the music business!"
"You're telling me this just hours before the performance?" Severus queried incredulously. "What do you expect me to do? I only barely managed to finish setting down the music for the song I'd planned on singing."
"I only found out scarcely an hour ago!" Lucius exclaiming, running a hand violently through his hair. His hands shook with agitation and nerves. Things were falling apart. This performance was important. It wasn't as integral as if Severus was a new artist starting out, but every show was significant. A good performance would boost the new song and upcoming album without too much pain and aggravation on Severus' part.
"And you're performing in the middle and as the closing act," he continued onward, trying to ignore the scowl that was marring Severus' face. "So what song are you going to choose?" he asked carefully. "I'd assume that you'll be singing 'Tainted' first and then something else for the closing song."
"You assume right," Severus sneered. "But I still have no idea what I'm going to sing for the last song."
"I know you'll pick something right," Lucius murmured, placing a comforting hand on his best friend's shoulder. "I have faith in your judgment."
"You don't have much of a choice," he snapped back, not in a good humor to start with and it was rapidly degenerating with this additional information. "Now get out. I need some time to reflect before I can decide, and having you breathing anxious down my neck will only irritate me further."
Now was not the time to press Severus. Lucius knew that. That was why he carefully back up away from the temperamental musician and quietly tiptoed out of the room. This had gone much better than he had been expecting. He'd fully been anticipating that Severus was going to blow up and give him one of those death glares he was famous for.
But he hadn't. Was it young Harry's influence? Possibly.
~
What song? What song to sing? His dark eyes flickered over the sheets of old music he always kept with him. He pulled out the folder and flipped through some of his older songs. Some songs he had never recorded because they weren't good enough and others he hadn't because they were too personal. There was one song that was beautiful that he had never dared to release. This one spoke from the very depths of his soul.
Did he dare? Did he really dare? There was a reason he'd written the song years ago and had never had the real desire to play it for anyone but himself. It was the song he played when he needed a cathartic release. It was no wonder that he'd titled the song "Catharsis." It was the emotional discharge he severely needed at times.
Hesitantly he let his fingers play the beginning notes on the keyboard that he always had set up in his room. The soft harmonious melody hummed out, and he found he couldn't stop once he started playing. It wasn't long before he hit the tumultuous part of the song. The stormy, the fierce part- -- the center--- the soul of the song. It rocked and it rocked hard.
He felt the music singing inside him. This was what he loved doing. This was why he was in the business. But the song was fiercely personal, it told a story about himself. It was an aching song, touched with a part of him that he usually didn't allow in his songs. Because this song was told from his memories, from his experiences.
Did he dare? He didn't know. Not yet.
~
Most of the evening had gone by in a blur to Harry and Draco, both of whom where sitting near the front row waiting for Severus' highly anticipated performance. It was the first time in over a year that he was public performing. They weren't the only ones looking forward to it. Quite a few of his fans had already started gathering around the stage to get closer to him.
Though Harry and Draco knew what song Severus was performing, indeed they'd heard him practicing quite a bit over the last few days--- it still wasn't the same as a live public appearance by him. Besides, they hadn't heard the full song by him, just bits and pieces. They were both looking forward to seeing the whole song. It was certainly going to be something. Something else.
But to get to that particular performance, they had had to sit through several not so desirable acts. One girl though, a new artist did belt out a difficult song with impressive vocals. Draco believed she was one of the long shots for the Best New Artist award even if she did have the best voice out of the teeny bopper selections. Then again it didn't take much of a voice to be better than her competition.
It was after that noteworthy singing act that they got the performance that probably most of the crowd had been waiting for. A hush came over the audience as the soft glow of the light focused in on Severus sitting elegantly with his head bent down in front of the gleaming black grand piano. It was a beautiful image. Too bad the lighting was too dim to actually get any good resolution pictures.
There was nothing that inspired Harry more than seeing Severus in that position. It was a position of intense concentration and it fit his image of Severus perfectly. There was nothing more poignant to him. Nothing could tear his eyes away once he saw Severus' long, graceful fingers slowly play the beginning chords of "Tainted." The haunting melody filled the air with it's chilling tune. It was not a song to be taken lightly. It was song that stuck around and lingered.
"Tainted" by Yih
I see perfection before me
I hesitate to approach it
My touch is tainted
You say it doesn't matter
Don't you see?
Don't you know?
Don't you recognize?
I am nothing
You are everything
There is no hesitation in you
Your steps don't slow
You make the first move
You approach me
I push you away
I try to show you
I am not good enough
I am not for you
You refuse to give up
You persist onward
I glimpse into a vision
The perfection of you
Don't you see?
Don't you know?
Don't you recognize?
I am nothing
You are everything
"You are everything," sang the sexy voice of Severus Snape as the lights properly dimmed down to the point where his black clothed figure faded into the darkness. When he disappeared from sight, the music stopped abruptly. The crashing crescendos that made up the latter part of the song came to a dramatic end. When the lights reappeared, he was gone. Like he was nothing.
"Incredible," Harry murmured. "Simply bloody brilliant."
"You've been saying that a lot recently," Draco remarked, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Then again, it's true. It was bloody brilliant. I wonder why he doesn't perform more often when he so clearly enjoys it."
"There's incredible pressure getting ready," Harry responded understandingly. "But when you're finally up there playing, letting the music wash over you and you feel yourself being pulled in. It's an awesome feeling. There's this amazing rush."
"But, there's a but, isn't there?"
Harry nodded. "Yes. There is a but, at least for me. I daresay it's the same for Severus if he doesn't perform that much. I always get anxious, exceedingly anxious. My nerves paralyze me, yet somehow when I get on stage it fades. I think it's because the music takes over and since I've been playing music so long it's instinctive for me. It's intuitive and that takes over."
"Music isn't like that for me," Draco commented frankly. "I don't enjoy playing it even if I am rather good at it. It doesn't hit me in that vein. I guess I'm too calculating to ever be wildly passionate about anything."
"I don't think so," Harry whispered fiercely. "I think it just hasn't happened for you yet. You haven't found what you really love. Not everyone finds it right away, you know. My mum didn't know that she loved charity work until a few years ago when she was helping cancer patients at the hospital where I was receiving treatment. Now, she's filled her schedule with what she loves doing. Before she was simply a housewife."
"Do you ever get hopeless, Harry?"
It was a question uttered out of no where. The solemnity in Draco's tone told Harry that he was dead serious. This was not a question to be taken lightly. And if there was anyone who could take the truth, Harry felt that Draco was one of them. He didn't think anything would truly astonish the platinum blond. "Yes," he murmured softly. "Yes, I do. Don't you?"
Draco hadn't expected the question to be shot back at him. For the first time in his life, he didn't really know what to say. Well, he knew what to say but he couldn't explain it--- not even to himself. After all, why should he be hopeless even at small moments? His life was pretty fabulous. At least he thought so most of the time. Yet even at times, he did feel like something wasn't right.
"Yes," he answered hoarsely.
"Do you know why?" Harry questioned, his eyes filled with kindness and understanding.
Shaking his head, Draco averted his eyes so he didn't have to meet Harry's piercing gaze. It was like those emerald jeweled eyes could read into his soul, and he wasn't' read for that yet.
"My hopelessness stems from knowing that I have less time to live my life to the fullest and there are times when I think I'm wasting my life away. There's so much that I want to do that I know I won't have time for," Harry said honestly. "I know that," he declared intensely when Draco looked like he was going to open his mouth to protest. "I'm realistic, not many cancer patients go into remission twice. Unless a miracle happens and my cancer disappears--- the likelihood is that I won't live out the year.
"But that's not why I'm hopeless. I'm not scared of dying. I'm just regret that I don't have enough time, and that I'll be leaving my loved ones behind. I think it's worse for those that are left behind than the ones that go. We're the ones leaving, and they're the ones staying. I think it's worse for them."
There was silence between them as the crowd clapped appreciatively for another performance. During the stillness they stared at each other as if weighing what the other felt. Finally, Draco broke the quiet between them when he said with reflection, "You've thought about this a lot haven't you?"
Carefully nodded his head, for he had. "When I pitied myself, I did," he admitted truthfully. "But try not to anymore, because I'm the one that will be suffering the most. It's my parents and my friends, especially my mum."
Whatever more that was going to be said between them was cut off when they realized that Severus was about to give his final performance, the closing act of the awards show. They had no clue what he was going to perform. It was all a guess on their part. They both figured he'd perform "Remember Without Memory" since it was his most popular song off his fifth album.
But when he sat down and when his fingers started lingering over the keys they knew it wasn't any one of his songs that he'd ever performed publicly before. Indeed, neither of them had ever heard this song before. Was it new? Was it old?
The beginning of this song wasn't soft. It was hard, fast, and angry. It's vibrancy and life was undeniable. The music was beautiful. When Severus started singing, Harry knew that this song meant a great deal to Severus. It was Severus' song like "Wishes are for Dreamers" was Hermione's song and his own in a way. This song spoke about Severus.
His breath sharpened when he realized that it wasn't his imagination. Severus was singing this song to him. But why? It had to be a past lover, there was too much emotion in it for it to be about him. The raw power of Severus' soaring voice told him that much. He envied whoever had made Severus feel this way.
"Stay" by Yih
I have waited all my life for you
But I failed to recognize you
It's my doom. It's my hell.
That I have to live without you
I watched you walk away
I did nothing to stop you
All you needed me to say was
Stay
Stay with me
Don't go
Never surrender
Stay with me
I sing for you now
But you have gone away
It's too late
I never even said goodbye
I watched you walk away
I did nothing to stop you
All you needed me to say was
Stay
Stay with me
Don't go
Never surrender
Stay with me
Stay with me
Don't go
Never surrender
Stay
He hadn't wanted to sing it, but when he had thought about Harry he couldn't help but sing it. This song was for Harry as much as it was for him. Never surrender. He'd seen a deep hopelessness in Harry when Harry thought no one was watching him. Stay. Stay with me?
He'd first written the song after what he thought to be the first love of his life had walked away from him. But he realized later it wasn't a true love, it was only infatuation. It didn't matter anyway, this song was still too personal regardless. It told of his foolhardiness, his inability to go after what he wanted. It'd been his fault and no one else. He despised being wrong.
And despite the fact the relevancy of the song was inaccurate, it was still a personal episode in his life. But something inside him compelled him to sing it. As cathartic as it was for him, to let out his bitterness at the hand life had dealt him with love--- it was more meant for Harry. He wanted Harry to realize that the impossible wasn't impossible. It was only impossible when one surrendered.
Throughout the song, his eyes never left Harry's not even for a second. He wanted to will Harry to believe what he was saying. That he should stay. That he should never surrender. It was as his voice lingered over the last word that he saw in Harry's brilliant emerald eyes the dawning comprehension that this song was being sung for him.
Foolish Harry Potter, he thought with derisive fondness. It was too like him not to believe something that was honestly there before his very eyes. Quite pessimistic of him, something he wouldn't have expected from someone that was a happy person despite the circumstances he'd faced. Severus didn't know how he'd react to what Harry had gone through, but it definitely wouldn't have been as accepting as Harry.
He'd be bitter. How was Harry not? He didn't understand, but he admired that. It was strange for him to actually see something good in mankind. It'd been so long since there'd been such a light of purity in his life. Harry gave him a fuzzy feeling that he wasn't use to. Damn, he was getting sentimental. It was an abnormal sensation for him.
As the lights dimmed down into complete darkness, he made his way off the stage overcome by the epiphany that he cared for someone. Sure, he cared about Lucius and Draco, but they were like his family. It'd been so long since he'd actually felt something for someone else. It wasn't like he'd been trying to, he'd really been trying not to.
But Harry made him care. His honesty. His talent. His innocence. His tragedy. His being. It was like Harry had opened the floodgates that he had kept firmly around his soul and his heart. Now that it was released, he couldn't help but feel. Feel the flood of feelings he'd kept so tightly pent up inside.
"Harry Potter," he whispered the name to himself just to hear the name. "Do you realize the effect you have on me?"
He wasn't sure if Harry knew. Sure, Harry had initiated the kiss but he had kindly turned down the young man's generous offer. Did the offer still stand? Did he dare take the risk of being hurt again? Harry was right. It was irresponsible for him to get into a relationship now, considering that he didn't know whether he was going to live the year out or not.
The odds weren't looking good. Yet, here he was contemplating starting one with Harry. No, not really thinking about it--- wrestling with the idea. He was highly tempted. It was wrong though. But having sung the song for Harry made him realize that Harry was the one he had been looking for all his life. The only thing that was wrong was that Harry was too young. Too damn young.
He was perfect otherwise. He had a dry wit about him that came from experiencing experiences of life and death that most people his age had never gone through. It matured him enough that Severus didn't have to deal with an immature mind. That coupled with his musical genius was what made Harry suitable to work with. It was the other aspects of his personality, his generosity and his spirit that made Severus ache for him.
It didn't hurt that Harry was gorgeous either. That wasn't his main selling point. It was his soul, his being that was. Did he dare? He hadn't failed to recognize for he had, but there was another factor making this a doomed hell. Harry was twenty years younger than him. That was a significant difference. He didn't mind Harry's youth but he was afraid that Harry would eventually mind the difference in their years.
How could he not? When Harry would be in the prime of his life, he'd be feeble and old. Feeble and old, used up and unwanted. Used up and unwanted. Hadn't that been his life so far? How tragic. How sad. What sorrow.
He hated pity. He despised self pity. Yet he felt it.
He didn't know what to do. He was so--- undecided.
~
Author's Note: I lied. I'm going to try to finish this story ASAP. I'm trying to finish this by chapter 12, which means I'll be shortening up the plot dramatically. If there is a sequel to this, it won't be written anytime soon. If you like this story, I highly recommend checking out my other non-magic AU: In Preparation or To the Point of Exhaustion. Anyway, review! I adore reading them!
Thanks to sentarla, laventeli, The angelic vampire (hehe, I understand the skepticism), Nelum, Honor, Jes Imagin, Xyverz, Irihi Safaia, crissy, selua, Jess the Great, Keha, Tempest8, Coo, Setsuri, TommieBoy182, Lee Lee Potter (I go as fast as I can with 5 WIPs), Kateri1, me ^.^, DaughterofDeath, Enivrement (aw, thanks), Malakai (I must peddle considering this story is nearing the end of it's cycle), The Shadow Bandit, The Goddess Artemis, FerretMalfoy, Korinna Myorin, athenakitty, Shinigami061, pixyfairy120, chibi (too many stories, but mostly it's school that slows me down), Corgi1, ntamara, Ms. Padfoot, abraxis.
Jane: There's someone with a name similar to yours, if not the exact same that's been flaming me ^^;; about AU's. As you can see in most of my stories, I tend to favor Lucius/Narcissa relationships. It's just because it tends to work out in my stories and it's different from Lucius/Narcissa hating each other.
Cassa-Andra: Yes, I realized what made the last chapter was that Harry was actually shown as sick. I've talked about it but I haven't really shown it.
Maximum Poofy-Pissed Off Queen: Geez, I wanted to kill ff.net for you when it took down your story. I just hope it doesn't do that to me. Your new story is intriguing, just haven't gotten time to review it yet.
Author: Yih
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, only the AU scenario.
Beta: Quickjewel
~
9: Wishes are for Believers (September 13, 2003 to September 16, 2003)
"You have to perform two songs," Lucius told him with a grim expression on his face. "I don't know how Voldemort managed, but he somehow got you time to do two songs. I could wring his neck if he wasn't such an important figure in the music business!"
"You're telling me this just hours before the performance?" Severus queried incredulously. "What do you expect me to do? I only barely managed to finish setting down the music for the song I'd planned on singing."
"I only found out scarcely an hour ago!" Lucius exclaiming, running a hand violently through his hair. His hands shook with agitation and nerves. Things were falling apart. This performance was important. It wasn't as integral as if Severus was a new artist starting out, but every show was significant. A good performance would boost the new song and upcoming album without too much pain and aggravation on Severus' part.
"And you're performing in the middle and as the closing act," he continued onward, trying to ignore the scowl that was marring Severus' face. "So what song are you going to choose?" he asked carefully. "I'd assume that you'll be singing 'Tainted' first and then something else for the closing song."
"You assume right," Severus sneered. "But I still have no idea what I'm going to sing for the last song."
"I know you'll pick something right," Lucius murmured, placing a comforting hand on his best friend's shoulder. "I have faith in your judgment."
"You don't have much of a choice," he snapped back, not in a good humor to start with and it was rapidly degenerating with this additional information. "Now get out. I need some time to reflect before I can decide, and having you breathing anxious down my neck will only irritate me further."
Now was not the time to press Severus. Lucius knew that. That was why he carefully back up away from the temperamental musician and quietly tiptoed out of the room. This had gone much better than he had been expecting. He'd fully been anticipating that Severus was going to blow up and give him one of those death glares he was famous for.
But he hadn't. Was it young Harry's influence? Possibly.
~
What song? What song to sing? His dark eyes flickered over the sheets of old music he always kept with him. He pulled out the folder and flipped through some of his older songs. Some songs he had never recorded because they weren't good enough and others he hadn't because they were too personal. There was one song that was beautiful that he had never dared to release. This one spoke from the very depths of his soul.
Did he dare? Did he really dare? There was a reason he'd written the song years ago and had never had the real desire to play it for anyone but himself. It was the song he played when he needed a cathartic release. It was no wonder that he'd titled the song "Catharsis." It was the emotional discharge he severely needed at times.
Hesitantly he let his fingers play the beginning notes on the keyboard that he always had set up in his room. The soft harmonious melody hummed out, and he found he couldn't stop once he started playing. It wasn't long before he hit the tumultuous part of the song. The stormy, the fierce part- -- the center--- the soul of the song. It rocked and it rocked hard.
He felt the music singing inside him. This was what he loved doing. This was why he was in the business. But the song was fiercely personal, it told a story about himself. It was an aching song, touched with a part of him that he usually didn't allow in his songs. Because this song was told from his memories, from his experiences.
Did he dare? He didn't know. Not yet.
~
Most of the evening had gone by in a blur to Harry and Draco, both of whom where sitting near the front row waiting for Severus' highly anticipated performance. It was the first time in over a year that he was public performing. They weren't the only ones looking forward to it. Quite a few of his fans had already started gathering around the stage to get closer to him.
Though Harry and Draco knew what song Severus was performing, indeed they'd heard him practicing quite a bit over the last few days--- it still wasn't the same as a live public appearance by him. Besides, they hadn't heard the full song by him, just bits and pieces. They were both looking forward to seeing the whole song. It was certainly going to be something. Something else.
But to get to that particular performance, they had had to sit through several not so desirable acts. One girl though, a new artist did belt out a difficult song with impressive vocals. Draco believed she was one of the long shots for the Best New Artist award even if she did have the best voice out of the teeny bopper selections. Then again it didn't take much of a voice to be better than her competition.
It was after that noteworthy singing act that they got the performance that probably most of the crowd had been waiting for. A hush came over the audience as the soft glow of the light focused in on Severus sitting elegantly with his head bent down in front of the gleaming black grand piano. It was a beautiful image. Too bad the lighting was too dim to actually get any good resolution pictures.
There was nothing that inspired Harry more than seeing Severus in that position. It was a position of intense concentration and it fit his image of Severus perfectly. There was nothing more poignant to him. Nothing could tear his eyes away once he saw Severus' long, graceful fingers slowly play the beginning chords of "Tainted." The haunting melody filled the air with it's chilling tune. It was not a song to be taken lightly. It was song that stuck around and lingered.
"Tainted" by Yih
I see perfection before me
I hesitate to approach it
My touch is tainted
You say it doesn't matter
Don't you see?
Don't you know?
Don't you recognize?
I am nothing
You are everything
There is no hesitation in you
Your steps don't slow
You make the first move
You approach me
I push you away
I try to show you
I am not good enough
I am not for you
You refuse to give up
You persist onward
I glimpse into a vision
The perfection of you
Don't you see?
Don't you know?
Don't you recognize?
I am nothing
You are everything
"You are everything," sang the sexy voice of Severus Snape as the lights properly dimmed down to the point where his black clothed figure faded into the darkness. When he disappeared from sight, the music stopped abruptly. The crashing crescendos that made up the latter part of the song came to a dramatic end. When the lights reappeared, he was gone. Like he was nothing.
"Incredible," Harry murmured. "Simply bloody brilliant."
"You've been saying that a lot recently," Draco remarked, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Then again, it's true. It was bloody brilliant. I wonder why he doesn't perform more often when he so clearly enjoys it."
"There's incredible pressure getting ready," Harry responded understandingly. "But when you're finally up there playing, letting the music wash over you and you feel yourself being pulled in. It's an awesome feeling. There's this amazing rush."
"But, there's a but, isn't there?"
Harry nodded. "Yes. There is a but, at least for me. I daresay it's the same for Severus if he doesn't perform that much. I always get anxious, exceedingly anxious. My nerves paralyze me, yet somehow when I get on stage it fades. I think it's because the music takes over and since I've been playing music so long it's instinctive for me. It's intuitive and that takes over."
"Music isn't like that for me," Draco commented frankly. "I don't enjoy playing it even if I am rather good at it. It doesn't hit me in that vein. I guess I'm too calculating to ever be wildly passionate about anything."
"I don't think so," Harry whispered fiercely. "I think it just hasn't happened for you yet. You haven't found what you really love. Not everyone finds it right away, you know. My mum didn't know that she loved charity work until a few years ago when she was helping cancer patients at the hospital where I was receiving treatment. Now, she's filled her schedule with what she loves doing. Before she was simply a housewife."
"Do you ever get hopeless, Harry?"
It was a question uttered out of no where. The solemnity in Draco's tone told Harry that he was dead serious. This was not a question to be taken lightly. And if there was anyone who could take the truth, Harry felt that Draco was one of them. He didn't think anything would truly astonish the platinum blond. "Yes," he murmured softly. "Yes, I do. Don't you?"
Draco hadn't expected the question to be shot back at him. For the first time in his life, he didn't really know what to say. Well, he knew what to say but he couldn't explain it--- not even to himself. After all, why should he be hopeless even at small moments? His life was pretty fabulous. At least he thought so most of the time. Yet even at times, he did feel like something wasn't right.
"Yes," he answered hoarsely.
"Do you know why?" Harry questioned, his eyes filled with kindness and understanding.
Shaking his head, Draco averted his eyes so he didn't have to meet Harry's piercing gaze. It was like those emerald jeweled eyes could read into his soul, and he wasn't' read for that yet.
"My hopelessness stems from knowing that I have less time to live my life to the fullest and there are times when I think I'm wasting my life away. There's so much that I want to do that I know I won't have time for," Harry said honestly. "I know that," he declared intensely when Draco looked like he was going to open his mouth to protest. "I'm realistic, not many cancer patients go into remission twice. Unless a miracle happens and my cancer disappears--- the likelihood is that I won't live out the year.
"But that's not why I'm hopeless. I'm not scared of dying. I'm just regret that I don't have enough time, and that I'll be leaving my loved ones behind. I think it's worse for those that are left behind than the ones that go. We're the ones leaving, and they're the ones staying. I think it's worse for them."
There was silence between them as the crowd clapped appreciatively for another performance. During the stillness they stared at each other as if weighing what the other felt. Finally, Draco broke the quiet between them when he said with reflection, "You've thought about this a lot haven't you?"
Carefully nodded his head, for he had. "When I pitied myself, I did," he admitted truthfully. "But try not to anymore, because I'm the one that will be suffering the most. It's my parents and my friends, especially my mum."
Whatever more that was going to be said between them was cut off when they realized that Severus was about to give his final performance, the closing act of the awards show. They had no clue what he was going to perform. It was all a guess on their part. They both figured he'd perform "Remember Without Memory" since it was his most popular song off his fifth album.
But when he sat down and when his fingers started lingering over the keys they knew it wasn't any one of his songs that he'd ever performed publicly before. Indeed, neither of them had ever heard this song before. Was it new? Was it old?
The beginning of this song wasn't soft. It was hard, fast, and angry. It's vibrancy and life was undeniable. The music was beautiful. When Severus started singing, Harry knew that this song meant a great deal to Severus. It was Severus' song like "Wishes are for Dreamers" was Hermione's song and his own in a way. This song spoke about Severus.
His breath sharpened when he realized that it wasn't his imagination. Severus was singing this song to him. But why? It had to be a past lover, there was too much emotion in it for it to be about him. The raw power of Severus' soaring voice told him that much. He envied whoever had made Severus feel this way.
"Stay" by Yih
I have waited all my life for you
But I failed to recognize you
It's my doom. It's my hell.
That I have to live without you
I watched you walk away
I did nothing to stop you
All you needed me to say was
Stay
Stay with me
Don't go
Never surrender
Stay with me
I sing for you now
But you have gone away
It's too late
I never even said goodbye
I watched you walk away
I did nothing to stop you
All you needed me to say was
Stay
Stay with me
Don't go
Never surrender
Stay with me
Stay with me
Don't go
Never surrender
Stay
He hadn't wanted to sing it, but when he had thought about Harry he couldn't help but sing it. This song was for Harry as much as it was for him. Never surrender. He'd seen a deep hopelessness in Harry when Harry thought no one was watching him. Stay. Stay with me?
He'd first written the song after what he thought to be the first love of his life had walked away from him. But he realized later it wasn't a true love, it was only infatuation. It didn't matter anyway, this song was still too personal regardless. It told of his foolhardiness, his inability to go after what he wanted. It'd been his fault and no one else. He despised being wrong.
And despite the fact the relevancy of the song was inaccurate, it was still a personal episode in his life. But something inside him compelled him to sing it. As cathartic as it was for him, to let out his bitterness at the hand life had dealt him with love--- it was more meant for Harry. He wanted Harry to realize that the impossible wasn't impossible. It was only impossible when one surrendered.
Throughout the song, his eyes never left Harry's not even for a second. He wanted to will Harry to believe what he was saying. That he should stay. That he should never surrender. It was as his voice lingered over the last word that he saw in Harry's brilliant emerald eyes the dawning comprehension that this song was being sung for him.
Foolish Harry Potter, he thought with derisive fondness. It was too like him not to believe something that was honestly there before his very eyes. Quite pessimistic of him, something he wouldn't have expected from someone that was a happy person despite the circumstances he'd faced. Severus didn't know how he'd react to what Harry had gone through, but it definitely wouldn't have been as accepting as Harry.
He'd be bitter. How was Harry not? He didn't understand, but he admired that. It was strange for him to actually see something good in mankind. It'd been so long since there'd been such a light of purity in his life. Harry gave him a fuzzy feeling that he wasn't use to. Damn, he was getting sentimental. It was an abnormal sensation for him.
As the lights dimmed down into complete darkness, he made his way off the stage overcome by the epiphany that he cared for someone. Sure, he cared about Lucius and Draco, but they were like his family. It'd been so long since he'd actually felt something for someone else. It wasn't like he'd been trying to, he'd really been trying not to.
But Harry made him care. His honesty. His talent. His innocence. His tragedy. His being. It was like Harry had opened the floodgates that he had kept firmly around his soul and his heart. Now that it was released, he couldn't help but feel. Feel the flood of feelings he'd kept so tightly pent up inside.
"Harry Potter," he whispered the name to himself just to hear the name. "Do you realize the effect you have on me?"
He wasn't sure if Harry knew. Sure, Harry had initiated the kiss but he had kindly turned down the young man's generous offer. Did the offer still stand? Did he dare take the risk of being hurt again? Harry was right. It was irresponsible for him to get into a relationship now, considering that he didn't know whether he was going to live the year out or not.
The odds weren't looking good. Yet, here he was contemplating starting one with Harry. No, not really thinking about it--- wrestling with the idea. He was highly tempted. It was wrong though. But having sung the song for Harry made him realize that Harry was the one he had been looking for all his life. The only thing that was wrong was that Harry was too young. Too damn young.
He was perfect otherwise. He had a dry wit about him that came from experiencing experiences of life and death that most people his age had never gone through. It matured him enough that Severus didn't have to deal with an immature mind. That coupled with his musical genius was what made Harry suitable to work with. It was the other aspects of his personality, his generosity and his spirit that made Severus ache for him.
It didn't hurt that Harry was gorgeous either. That wasn't his main selling point. It was his soul, his being that was. Did he dare? He hadn't failed to recognize for he had, but there was another factor making this a doomed hell. Harry was twenty years younger than him. That was a significant difference. He didn't mind Harry's youth but he was afraid that Harry would eventually mind the difference in their years.
How could he not? When Harry would be in the prime of his life, he'd be feeble and old. Feeble and old, used up and unwanted. Used up and unwanted. Hadn't that been his life so far? How tragic. How sad. What sorrow.
He hated pity. He despised self pity. Yet he felt it.
He didn't know what to do. He was so--- undecided.
~
Author's Note: I lied. I'm going to try to finish this story ASAP. I'm trying to finish this by chapter 12, which means I'll be shortening up the plot dramatically. If there is a sequel to this, it won't be written anytime soon. If you like this story, I highly recommend checking out my other non-magic AU: In Preparation or To the Point of Exhaustion. Anyway, review! I adore reading them!
Thanks to sentarla, laventeli, The angelic vampire (hehe, I understand the skepticism), Nelum, Honor, Jes Imagin, Xyverz, Irihi Safaia, crissy, selua, Jess the Great, Keha, Tempest8, Coo, Setsuri, TommieBoy182, Lee Lee Potter (I go as fast as I can with 5 WIPs), Kateri1, me ^.^, DaughterofDeath, Enivrement (aw, thanks), Malakai (I must peddle considering this story is nearing the end of it's cycle), The Shadow Bandit, The Goddess Artemis, FerretMalfoy, Korinna Myorin, athenakitty, Shinigami061, pixyfairy120, chibi (too many stories, but mostly it's school that slows me down), Corgi1, ntamara, Ms. Padfoot, abraxis.
Jane: There's someone with a name similar to yours, if not the exact same that's been flaming me ^^;; about AU's. As you can see in most of my stories, I tend to favor Lucius/Narcissa relationships. It's just because it tends to work out in my stories and it's different from Lucius/Narcissa hating each other.
Cassa-Andra: Yes, I realized what made the last chapter was that Harry was actually shown as sick. I've talked about it but I haven't really shown it.
Maximum Poofy-Pissed Off Queen: Geez, I wanted to kill ff.net for you when it took down your story. I just hope it doesn't do that to me. Your new story is intriguing, just haven't gotten time to review it yet.