Title: Wishes Are For Dreamers

Author: Yih

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, only the AU scenario. 

Beta: Blackumbridge

~         

12: Fragile Life (October 12, 2003 to October 13, 2003)

Everything went wrong that could have gone wrong. 

The surgery went terribly wrong at the beginning.   Somehow despite his heart nearly failing twice, Harry pulled through the surgery.  They thought that was the end of the problems; they thought once Harry made it through the surgery that everything was going to be all right.  They couldn't have been more wrong. 

Right after Harry had been stabilized coming out of surgery and everything was looking a whole lot brighter, the bone marrow that was supposed to save Harry's life started killing him instead.  It didn't matter how many anti-rejection drugs that they gave to Harry, flying in specialist after specialist--- Harry's condition continued to deteriorate. 

What was worse was that Harry never even woke up after the surgery.  The last moment any of them got with Harry was before he'd gone under the anesthesia.  That was their last moment with Harry.  It was too unexpected.  The chances of rejection, as swift as that were exceedingly rare; the chances of the surgery going as wrong as it had, even rarer. 

Three days after the surgery, the only thing keeping Harry alive were the machines that pumped in what his bone marrow couldn't provide him any longer.  But it wouldn't be long before even the machines couldn't sustain him, not with the rate that the cancer was growing.  And there was no telling if Harry would ever wake up.  His parents were faced with the ultimate decision. 

Did they wait and see if Harry might wake up?  Or did they take him off life support and let his soul rest in peace?  Because if he woke up, the pain he'd experienced before was only a fraction of the pain that he'd feel now.  It had gotten that much worse, and there was almost no hope of a cure. 

The hopes of finding a match better than the one that they'd transplanted into him were slim at best.  That and the waiting list was incredibly long.  The fact was, his body refused to adapt to a new bone marrow.  And they couldn't retrain his body to accept it if it didn't want to. 

Even the drugs that were suppose to fool it weren't working.  They had even upped the dosage to dangerous levels in hopes it would suppress his body's immune system from attacking the donated bone marrow.  It hadn't worked, and it had only ended up worsening Harry's already tenuous condition. 

Severus was glad it wasn't him that was faced with the decision.  Because he didn't know honestly what was worse--- giving Harry the chance to live again only to see it snatched away or letting Harry die when he had been at his happiest knowing that he had a chance at living again.  And if Harry were to come out of his coma, all he would have would be death and pain.  Pain and death. 

~

That last night though was as perfect as perfect could be.  That last night had been perfection.  He could still remember the feel of Harry in his arms.  It was a night that he would never forget.  How could he? 

"Severus, can I ask you something?" Harry queried shyly as he rested his head on Severus' chest. 

"You can ask me anything." 

"Do you remember that time when I asked you to make love to me?" 

Severus nodded, feeling a tightening in his groin just thinking about that.  He'd been so tempted then to take what Harry was offering.  "Yes," he whispered hoarsely, "I remember.  How could I forget?"

Harry chuckled.  "You didn't seem very interested when I posed the question." 

"Not interested?" Severus scoffed, his arm tightening around Harry's waist.  "I was very interested, very intrigued.  Who wouldn't be when a divine young man was offering himself?" 

"Well," Harry began with a pout, "you did refuse my offer.  It must not have been that tempting then."  He wiggled suggestively in Severus' lap.  "But I'm going to ask again anyway.  Will you make love to me?" 

All the blood that had been residing in Severus' brain rushed downward to his crotch.  His body, he thought wryly, was quite for the suggestion.  The problem was that he couldn't, not when Harry was so weak.  Harry needed to conserve all his strength for tomorrow, for his surgery.  "You need to conserve your strength, Harry, for your surgery tomorrow." 

"I have strength enough for this," Harry murmured, pressing his hips into Severus'. 

"You minx," Severus retorted sharply as he felt what was unmistakably Harry's arousal.  "Harry, we can't." 

A frown marred Harry's beautiful face.  "Why not?" 

"You're weak," Severus told him regretfully, his hands caressing Harry's body comfortingly.  "Even though I can't make love to you, I still want to show you my love.  Will you let me do that?" 

Harry was mesmerized by the tenderness in Severus' voice.  "Yes.  Show me, Severus." 

NC-17: [excerpt 955 words]

~

Severus had never gotten to fulfill that promise.  His heart ached to think of how Harry had pleaded, and how he had denied Harry's plea because he had thought it would be for the best if they waited until afterwards.  After all, didn't they have years to experience their love?  But no, Harry had been ripped away and even if he woke up now, he couldn't deliver the promise. 

Harry would be too weak, and in too much pain to even derive pleasure from his touch.  Regret and guilt had torn into his consciousness, never letting him rest.  Had he done the right thing?  Should he have given in?  What should he have done?  He didn't know.  Good god, he didn't. 

"You know," Lucius began wearily as he collapsed into the chair next to Severus, "I'm glad you came.  And I know what you're thinking, you're regretting something.  I don't know what, but you have nothing to regret, Severus.  You would have had the whole world to regret if you hadn't come.  You made it, you told him how you felt.  There's nothing more you could do." 

"Yes, there was," Severus responded harshly in self condemnation.  "There's more that I could have done, but I refused to!  He asked me to fuck him, but I told him no.  I told him that he needed to conserve his strength.  I did give him a blow job, but he pleaded for me to love him--- and I couldn't.  Even if, god knows, I wanted to." 

"You thought you had more time," Lucius replied sympathetically.  "It's a mistake we all make, and I think you did the right thing.  You gave him something to look forward to afterwards.  If there was anything you could have done, you did it.  You gave him such happiness that day.  And if he dies now, he would have died with happiness and hope.  I for one, hope he doesn't wake up.  He would only wake up to pain and death." 

"I told him I loved him." 

"Good.  But I'm happier that you admitted it to yourself.  I was afraid that you wouldn't.  As much as Harry wanted to hear you say it, you needed to say it more than he wanted to hear it.  You've grown hard over the years, Severus, and distant.  The only closeness you share is with your music, and if not for that--- I daresay you wouldn't be of the living anymore. 

"I'm thankful," Lucius continued with all sincerity, "that you allowed yourself to be honest about your love with Harry.  It's not weakness to love someone, and it's certainly nothing to regret.  I'd rather spend one day in love than to spend a thousand not feeling.  Life is about emotions and feelings, because what else is there but that?" 

"I don't know," Severus said dejectedly.  "This pain is too much for me to bear." 

"You will bear it," Lucius reassured.  "I bore it when Narcissa died.  And she was my world as Harry could have been yours had you met him sooner." 

"Why is life unfair, Lucius?"

"Because life is cruel."

"But why?" Severus asked sharply, harshly.  "Why is life cruel?  Why?  Why can't it be kind?  Why does it have to be unfair?  Especially to Harry, especially to him when he was such a generous and kind soul?  Why?  Why to Harry?" 

"To teach people like us," Lucius answered wearily.  "To teach people like us that there are people like Harry and Narcissa out there.  I know I'm a bastard, and I know that I'm still a bastard, but I like to believe that knowing and loving Narcissa and having lost her has made me less of a bastard than I was." 

"I still don't understand."

"You don't have to understand.  You only have to accept."

"And what if I don't want to?"

"Then you will be miserable," Lucius predicted.  "When you needn't be." 

"What if I want to be miserable?" 

"Do you think that would make Harry happy, knowing that his death has made you unhappy?  Do you think Harry would want that for you?"

"No." 

"Then, why not be happy for him?  You know that would make him happy.  Harry had a generous soul, he only wanted to make people happy.  Why else would he have given a stranger a chance at life?" 

"He should have taken that chance."

Lucius shrugged.  "He's not selfish like we are." 

"No, he's not."  Severus paused as if thinking of something.  "What if he wakes up?"

"Then he will live in pain only to face death again." 

~

[1 year later.]

Harry never woke up.  His parents gave him six months in which to wake up before they pulled him off the machines, but he never woke up.  When those six months passed, they found they couldn't let go of their son.  They didn't pull the plug.  They said they'd give him another six months.  Another six months passed.  It had been a year, and Harry still was in a coma. 

"You need to let him go," Hermione pleaded, tears filling her eyes.  Her boyfriend, Draco Malfoy stood behind her with his arms around her, supporting her.  "He's not coming back, and he should be allowed to rest." 

They all come back to New York to try to plead with the Potters to let their son go.  It hadn't been easy on any of them.  Lucius didn't know if it had been harder on the Potters or on Hermione or on Severus.  All of them had been drastically affected, even as his son and himself had been.  All the anguished memories of his wife's own death resurfaced, depriving him of sleep as he dreamt of those awful last few months. 

"But what if he wakes up?" Lily cried out.  "There are comatose patients that have been known to wake up!" 

"And if he wakes up, Lily?  What then?" Lucius addressed her directly.  "You know the only reason he's survived this long is because he is unaware of the pain.  You know the doctors have told you that if he were to wake up, the pain would be unbearable even with the medication.  Let him go, let him not suffer anymore.  I would know.  My wife suffered so much her last three months." 

Lily sobbed and sagged against her husband.  It was so hard, letting go, especially when it had to be their decision.  She knew her husband was letting her decide, and it made it that much harder knowing it was her choice.  "Lucius is right, Lily," James declared with a note of finality.  "It's time to let go."  He nodded at all of them kindly, yet tiredly.  "We'll tell them to take Harry off the machines tomorrow.  Thank you for all coming for his birthday.  It would have made him happy knowing that you were all here." 

They all nodded and filed out of the room to give his parents some privacy.  The last one to leave was Severus, and he only left after pressing a hard kiss on Harry's pale and cool lips.  He did it in front of James and Lily without the slightest care.  They knew of his love for their son, and while he didn't think they quite approved--- they didn't turn him away either. 

"Good-bye Harry.  I love you." 

One last kiss and he was gone. 

~

Author's Note:  There's one more chapter (when I say "the end" that's when a story's over).  I won't add you to the mailing list.  To get the NC-17 scene you will need to join the MOP mailing list, which is the only mailing list I have for anything Harry Potter related.  It'll be in the file sections and labeled accordingly.  BTW hopefully the NC-17 doesn't seem too unrealistic.  Also if you like this story, you should like "In Preparation" (another HP/SS that's geared to be happier) and my original fanfiction "Queer Life" (humor base, and there's a link to my fictionpress id on my profile, not that it's hard, same penname.)

Thanks to Lillian-and-Lime, Seiri, Whitefeather, Katmint-formerly Moonlight, dark vampire, Katrina Tonak, Tempest8, Sardius-Sky, Jane, Nelum, bramblerose-proudfoot, Illucia, slashstruck, slytherinsela, Sulitari-Draugwen, Eaiva le Fay, Setsuri, fan, Shinigami061, Alicorn, Chyna16, Alia, nekoOsama, Infinity Serenity, Heather, SilveredDeath, MinaXP, The angelic vampire, NayNymic, sev1970, Leshana, Queen of Vegetasei, Silv3rang3l, wintermoon2, Eternal Cosmos, Cassa-Andra, Winnie2, Corgi1, A Typical Snarry Fan, peekerachi, DaughterofDeath, Jess the Great, Joy Cutting, asa-chan, Ms. Padfoot, Maximum Poofy-Pissed Off Queen, crissy, Lady Phoenix Slytherin, Redrum, athenakitty, pixyfairy120, Hippy Flower=Voldie's kid, Crow21681, Xyverz, The Shadow Bandit.