by: iluvaqt@hotmail.com
iluvaqt's Notes: Thank you for all your positive reviews. They inspire me to write faster. ;)
Chapter 3: No Escape
Tash sat on top of one of the bigger boxes, stacked in Alec's small living area. She perched her lace-up boots on a small stool, and picked up his nearby journal.
Alec came through the front door in time to snatch it away before she could read it.
"I thought we had no secrets," Tash pouted, reaching for the donut box on the kitchen bench. Hours sitting in a cramped, over packed truck, they'd sure managed to stock up on a lot of junk food.
"That was before..." Alec trailed off, throwing the journal into his bedroom. It landed on the bed covers, flipping open. He walked back outside to retrieve more things from the pick-up, not noticing Tash quietly creep into the bedroom.
Lying down on the bed, she began to read, starting with the page the journal had fallen open to.
So I did the best I could, not knowing how I was supposed to act, or what I could even do. I knew her pain was partly my fault, but how could I have anticipated that I would even care. She was nothing to me, neither was Logan. Being out has changed everything. It's made things complicated...
We should never have had sex. It was a mistake. Not because I don't love her, but because she loves someone else. I shouldn't have let it happen, at least before I wouldn't have to ever think about it. Now I'm stuck with memories, of one perfect night, something that is incomparable to any of my prior experiences. Not just because she's made to be perfect, but because of how it felt to hold her, to look at her, to feel her all around me...
Now I lay awake at night, still picturing her face, her hair, her eyes, her smell filling my head. It's like a sickness I can't get over. It's why I had to leave, get away and start over. Yeah, back to the cabin of all places, where it all happened. But somehow I know the distance will help. And like the saying goes, time heals all wounds.
Alec stood in the doorway watching, and when Tash looked up, he gave her an assessing look. "So now you know. Titillating, isn't it?
"Depressing," Tash replied, sitting up and closing the journal. "You're right. It's none of my business. But I won't apologize for reading it. You could talked about it. I'm not judgemental, Alec. Never have been."
Alec kicked the doorframe hard, making it crack and splinter. "Did it ever occur to you that I didn't bring it up because I've been trying to forget?"
Tash wasn't offended or surprised by his outburst, she merely stood and brushed past him. "I'm sorry I made you face reality again, Alec. But until you let things go and move on, you'll always be haunted by something that will never be."
"Gee, thanks for the tip," Alec said caustically. "Like you're making progress."
Tash picked up her jacket and pulled it on. She stood at the counter and picked up the keys to the truck, her back to him. "Got everything?"
"You're not gonna take that to heart now are you?" Alec reached out and grabbed her arm. "Tash, I didn't mean that."
She gave him a piercing look, before relenting and sitting down reluctantly. "You're right. I'm not much of an example. I'm still trying to figure things out. I mean I hardly had the childhood you did, yet my adult life still resembles a mine field. Do I push people away?"
Alec shook his head, "It's in the genes."
Tash laughed despite the heaviness she felt. "I'm not staying. I actually just came for the ride and I'm really weak at goodbyes."
"So where are you going to go?" Alec asked, "Back to Dallas City?"
"I don't know where, yet. I just need to hit the road," she said, avoiding his probing gaze.
"Funny you should say that considering how many states we've driven through to get here." When Tash didn't comment, he continued, "Are you going to call, write, or do I have to pretend that you just dropped off the face of the planet?"
There was no mistaking the exasperated edge in his voice. She almost smiled. When Alec had been discharged from the hospital, she'd offered to move back with him. Max had made her choice to stay in Seattle. Being back in Seattle had certainly dumped unheeded complications in all their lives. At least Max seemed to be making attempts to straighten hers out.
Tash gave him a veiled look, not allowing him the opportunity to see the heartache in her eyes. Giving him a quick kiss goodbye, she headed for the front door. "I promise I'll call when I get there," she said. With that, she was gone.
Later that night, he lay awake again, counting the dots of mould on the ceiling. Slowly, his eyes grew heavy, and his body pulled his mind into a restless sleep.
He opened his eyes, blinking several times to let his sensitive eyes adjust to the florescent lights. A dark haired figure was resting against his right arm. Warm breath tickled his skin through the sheet. He flexed his arm and the resting visitor woke up.
"I'm sorry I left you there. I had to," Max whispered. She reached out and gently squeezed his hand. Her fingers felt so warm around his cold ones. Between them healthy, thick blood flowed through the small clear tube.
"Max?" He looked at her, confused. Why was she here, what happened, was Logan okay?
She gave him a perplexed look in return, as if she didn't understand the questions running though his head.
"He's okay. He'll be all right. Bling's with him and Asha's more than capable of taking care of him."
He didn't miss the jealous and sarcastic tone that accompanied the mention of the other woman's name. She should still be there, not here. Tash and Joshua were around, he'd seen them earlier. He'd be fine. Aside from that, he was sure once he told her the truth, she'd hate him. Blame him, and probably kick his ass well into next week. "Max, I tried to tell you..." he began.
She shushed him with a glare. "Don't been ass, Alec. Just sleep okay. You want to protest your stupidity? Do it tomorrow."
He looked at her and then at the needle, taped in his arm. Whether he was comfortable with it or not, they were joined. Feeling defeated in more way than he could count, he closed his eyes again and lay back against the pillows.
When he next opened his eyes, he was still in hospital. Only this time he wasn't the one in the bed. He felt his arms. No tubes, no drip, no blood bag. He shot out of the chair he'd been sitting in. In the bed, lay a young woman. Her heart monitor beeped quietly, steadily. She had oxygen tubes across her face and an IV drip in her left hand. Her skin was an unhealthy pallor and her lips were ashen. Before he could utter a word, images flashed before his eyes. A car bomb, planted and designed by his own hands. A young woman, smiling at him, the sun casting a golden aura around her, whilst she played the piano. Swimming in a private heated pool with her, then watching the car explode, knowing she was in it. He froze, looking down at her motionless figure in the bed, before she opened her eyes to stare right at him.
"Lying bastard."
Stunned and shaken, he burst out of the hospital room to find himself in an open field. It was dark, but he could hear voices, shouting and the sounds of vehicles approaching.
Before he knew what hit him, he was lying on his back, unable to move. Reaching down, he realized why. He was bleeding from his stomach and his shoulder. Tash appeared, holding him, telling him he'd be okay. He looked up to see Max staring down at him.
"Max, I'm sorry. I didn't know Renfro gave me the virus. If I knew..."
Her face contorted in anger, "Save it. Just stay away from me."
Alec jackknifed in his bed, a cold sweat covered his body and he took a deep, calming breath. Throwing back the sheets, he went to bathroom and washed his face. Looking in the mirror, he saw a girl dressed in a dark red evening dress, her hair pined neatly atop her head.
"This is for you, Simon," the reflection whispered.
The girl held something out to him. It was a bloodied heart. He whirled around, to find the bathroom completely empty. Turning back to the mirror, all he saw was his troubled face.
"Rachel," he uttered. Not wanting to face the prospect of being haunted in his sleep, he walked to the kitchen and pulled a beer from the fridge.
He was alone again, no big surprise. It seemed like all the people he loved, women he loved, couldn't bear to be around him. Something he couldn't shake was a girl who changed him a long time ago. Two years seemed like a decade without her. She'd impressed him that much.
Before a month ago, it had been years since he'd even thought of her, let alone said her name. So long in fact, that he'd thought he'd forgotten everything that had happened during the time he'd known her. Manticore had definitely tried to ensure that.
Rachel, was her name. Her voice was like a songbird. Beautiful and melodic, like the music she played. Her eyes, her youth and vulnerability, broke him. He'd been thrown into her life as part of a Manticore assignment, an assassination assignment targeting her father. Which he failed, in all the ways that counted, in his heart. Instead of saving her and her family and going against orders. He'd only hurt Rachel and himself. He was experienced and wise enough now to know they would have never let any of them live. Yet, he'd foolishly believed that he could have protected her. A few months ago he'd read of her death in newsprint.
He'd tried to visit her grave and found her father there. Mr Berrisford had pulled a gun on him and told him that he had no right to be there. That he never deserved even a chance with his daughter. And that he'd never come close to being the man she deserved, but Alec already knew that. What the man did want to know and couldn't understand, was why he got to live and Rachel didn't.
Alec couldn't answer that. The bomb he'd planted, as part of the mission, was remotely triggered by a secondary detonator. He'd never planned on following though with his orders.
In report sessions, Sandoval, his superior had suspected he might not complete the objective as ordered. So when he'd tried to warn Rachel, it was already too late. She didn't listen to his warnings, about what Manticore would do to her and her father. Instead she'd raced outside right to the car. To say that his superiors hadn't been impressed by his failure would be a major understatement. He spent the next week finding out just what failure meant. He was beaten, re-indoctrinated and isolated till he almost forgot everything about the Berrisford Agenda...almost.
It wasn't until after Manticore was destroyed, that he learned that Rachel hadn't died in the blast. She died while in a coma. She died slowly over two long years, life slipping away from a once vibrant young woman.
He'd destroyed her, and he'd almost succeeded in destroying happiness for Max, too. Not that he'd ever known what the virus was for, or what it would do to Max. Maybe it was a good thing that Tash left him behind. The further away, the better. He only ever seemed to be able to mess things up and hurt people.
Alec tossed the empty can into the plastic bag, hanging off a chair and went back to the bedroom. Falling back onto the mattress, he closed his eyes, willing the nightmares to come.