"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of
it"
-Marcus Aurelius
I get home and wander into the house. Lydia's already here, sitting at the table with a veritable jungle of papers before her.
"Hey Lyd." Lydia gave up saying 'hi' long ago, but I still do it. Force of habit I suppose.
"How was he last night?" I stare at Lydia's concerned face for a second. 12 years and I still don't understand her. Last night she didn't want to hear a word of it. Now she wants a detailed report of how Ben did.
"All right I guess." Ben's doing fine as a sidekick. But I know that that wouldn't have cut it with Wayne. And so it doesn't cut it with me either. Wayne wanted his protégés to be able to stand on their own. He made sure that I could do the job without him. Ben needs to be able to do it without me.
"He's not all right on his own. He needs to learn to be able to do it without me."
"Without you?" Lydia's voice betrays a hint of panic. I move closer to her.
"So far I've bailed him out whenever he gets in trouble. Ben needs to learn to get out of things on his own."
"You're his father. You're supposed to help him when he's in trouble." Lydia's eyes are wide now.
"Come on Lyd. You used to preach about how weak people were that needed to be saved. Well, on this I agree with you. I want Ben to be able to fight it out on his own. He needs to get in a position where I won't be there and he'll have to get himself out."
"You're not doing that to him. To purposely put him in danger just to teach him a lesson? I think you've been hit in the head a few too many times, Terry McGinnis." I sigh. I tried to make it into something that she would agree with, but Lydia doesn't agree with anything I say.
"Look Lyd, I've been doing this for a while. Nothing's going to happen."
"I'm not worried about you!" She snaps.
"You never are." I retort. Lydia used to worry about me. She used to ask me how I was, listen to the answer, and never tell me what to do or how to do it. Now she asks Ben. And Ben only.
"Look, don't you think this has gone on long enough? We let him have his fun. He needs to get back to his life."
I suddenly feel like I'm standing with a complete stranger.
Lydia used to think I was noble. She used to insist that I go off to defend the city back when I wanted to spend every waking moment with her.
Now she thinks what I do is meaningless? That Ben's just having FUN?
"Back to his life? Lyd, this IS his life. He loves being out there! He chose to do it. How can you not realize how much this means to him? God, don't you know your own son?" Lydia's eyes get narrower, and I realize I've made a very bad choice of words.
"You don't know him. You think just because you both get the crap beaten out of you every night together it means you're father and son of the year? You can't make up for 12 years of not being there with-"
"Shut up, Lydia!" I bellow. She's instantly silent. If I have to hear her berate me one more time on how I'm never there for Ben, I'll go crazy. Lydia's face isn't hurt or afraid. There's nothing in it. It's bland, passive.
She used to be so full of violent emotions that you could never predict what she would do next.
I look at her now and I can't remember the last time she said she loved me.
"What's happening, Lyd?" I try to be calm about it, even though I hate the fact that our relationship, our marriage is spiraling out of control. Lydia sits down in a chair.
"He used to cry at night, Terry. He used to cry whenever you had to leave or you didn't come home."
"Stop relating everything to Ben! It's not all about Ben!" She glances up at me.
"Yes it is Terry. It's always been about Ben."
**************************************************************
"How late are we out tonight?" Ben murmurs as we sit in the flyer. Another night out. As Batman and Robin.
As father and son.
"I have no idea."
"Do you ever?" I have to smile. Ben is direct and self-assured.
Cocky, as Wayne would have put it.
"Watch it Robin." We land near a deserted alley and leap out.
"What is it tonight?"
"Extortionist murderers." Ben grins.
"Charming." Slowly we creep around the corner. I open a door and slide inside, flashing the camo on.
Take your time, McGinnis. Danger will always be there. I know, Wayne.
Three very brawny, very intimidating men stand around a stereotypical pencil of a businessman. They've beaten the hell out of him.
"Give us the money." One says in a thick Russian baritone. The man sobs some unintelligible answer. Another smacks him across the face. I don't move a muscle.
"Dad." Ben says in a low voice, crouching right next to me.
"Don't call me Dad, Robin." I growl back.
"Help him!" Ben growls back. Not yet.
"Vlad, persuade him." The one called Vlad pulls out a large knife. Not yet.
"What the." The man murmurs, pausing momentarily to look around him. For a moment I think he's seen me. Then I notice Ben, hanging from a rafter, positioning himself on top of them. Not yet.
"Robin." I say in a warning tone. As usual, Ben completely ignores me, moving closer and closer to the men. I have to admit that he is pretty good. Not one looks in his direction as he swiftly and silently makes his way through the maze of pipes. But then he makes his first mistake. He drops right into the center of their circle. The one names Vlad laughs.
"You've picked a bad night to play dress-up, boy." Now.
I vault out of the shadows, catching the man off guard, slamming him to the ground.
"You've picked a bad one to be threatening people." I reply. All three of them pull their guns on us. We're surrounded.
You're never too late for mistakes, McGinnis. When I got cocky, Wayne started reprimanding me with that. And it rings true, because I've just made a major one.
"What now?" Ben says wryly, folding his arms almost as if it is a game.
"Run." The one named Vlad growls. We're bullet meat if we stay in this building, not to mention their innocent captive. We need to fight them outside. On my turf. Ben and I take off running, but not before splicing the businessman's ropes and allowing him to run away. We fly up into the air, but the three Russians leap onto hover boards and follow us up. Ben and I lead them through a maze of buildings, down alleyways, around smokestacks and up fire escapes.
"Nice going." I murmur. Ben sighs, exasperated.
"I'm sorry. But if you had waited much longer, that guy would have been slagged."
"Don't you think I've been doing this long enough to know when to move and when not to?"
I still feel Wayne's admonition ringing in my ears: Don't be cocky McGinnis. How long am I going to have to do this until I'm experienced enough to not be cocky every time I think I'm right?
"Dad-"
"I'm BATMAN, Robin. That's the most basic rule. Get it right." He sighs again.
"Well, Batman, I said I was sorry!" We finally land on top of an empty building. No trouble. Perfect.
"You'd better redeem yourself." I growl at Ben. Ben breathes quickly. He glances at me.
"Yes sir." His eyes narrow in concentration.
You can do this Ben.
The men swarm in around us.
"I hate to disappoint you, but we are not afraid of a man running around in a costume. And certainly not a smaller version of him." One of them says, laughing.
"Sorry. I'll try harder." I murmur back, tossing a batarang into his hand. The gun goes flying off into oblivion. One of them is shoved forward. Ben's laughter rings out as he comes out of the camo and kicks him in the stomach. Not being one for comments that he considers stupid and corny, Ben just grins at the men. They're too angry to keep up the witty banter, and they swarm in around us. I leap high up above two trying to corner me and surprise them from behind.
"You're probably as weak as the boy." One growls, taking an unsuccessful lunge at me.
"If you'd prefer, I can have him beat the hell out of you." My feet slam into him, and he falls back. I turn to check on Ben. He's gotten himself surrounded. The last two have cornered him, and he's at the edge of the building. For a moment he doesn't move.
"Come on Ben." I whisper. This is it. His moment. If he can't do it now, he'll never be able to.
Come on Ben.
Prove yourself.
All of a sudden one of them flies backward, coughing and sputtering.
Ben's not that strong.
He stands there, not moving, looking just as shocked as I.
"Lydia?" I yell, for a moment forgetting who I am, where I am, what I'm supposed to be. Then one of them hits me square in the jaw, and I jump back into reality.
"Hah! Now you have a woman fighting for you?" The one who got knocked down snarls at me as he grabs me around the neck. I flip him onto the ground, my foot at his throat.
"Considering she knocked you on your ass, I wouldn't be handing out the insults." I punch him across the face. He crawls to his feet and runs off with the other two, finally giving up. I turn back around. Ben still stands motionless, breathing softly, his hands limp at his sides. Lydia rushes to Ben, not even acknowledging that I stand, bruised and bleeding, a few feet away.
"Are you all right?" She says to him.
"Of course he's all right." I snap. She finally turns and glares at me. I would never let anything happen to Ben. I'm his father. Or does she still see me as that 17-year-old that she doesn't need?
"What the hell was that?" I continue, stepping closer to her.
"That was me saving his life."
"He wasn't in any danger."
"He was about to get slagged, Terry-"
"Batman." She glares at me.
"He was about to get slagged, Batman, and I wasn't willing to let that happen. He needed help."
"He could have done it himself."
"He was surrounded. They were about to get him! You weren't there, just like you're never there, and he needed help!" I feel my face contorting into a glare.
"Ben needed to do it on his own." I growl. Ben stares at the ground. He knows what's happened, what he's lost. She's stolen from him the work of 3 months. He'll never know his own ability or bravery. He had the chance, the only chance he'll ever have.
Lydia's taken it from him. And she doesn't care.
"At the expense of his life, his health? No, McGinnis, I'm not going to let him get hurt because of some stupid test you think he has to pass!" I get right up in her face. Is she deaf? Doesn't she get it? She's ruined it! Ben has to start over at square one. Ben stares, red-faced and shameful.
"What the hell is the matter with you? He wasn't in danger. I was watching out for him. No one needed you to come running in and ruining everything with your stupid presumptions and worries."
"You're never watching him Terry-"
"If you call me Terry McGinnis one more time."
"That's who you are! Unless this stupid suit's taken you over forever! Neither of us even knows you anymore!" I never thought I could be as angry with her as I am right now. She's insulted everything I am, everything Ben worked to become, everything.
And she DOESN'T CARE.
"Robin knows who I am."
"Stop calling him Robin! He's not Robin! He's Ben McGinnis and I think he's just as sick of your crap as I am!"
"If he's sick of anyone, it's you. All you ever do is criticize him! Ben's smart enough to see that."
"Stop it!" Ben yells suddenly. We both look at him. I can't see his expression through the mask, but he sighs in disgust and flies off.
**************************************************************
I storm back and forth in the cave. It's a good thing Lydia can't see my eyes through the mask or she'd see the rage that I know is in my face.
"He's not going out there again." Lydia says. I whirl around.
"You can't do that to him!" She can't do that to me. I will not let her take Ben away from what I know he loves.
"This is the wrong way to spend time with him! Nothing you say is ever going to make this all right! You can't endanger his life just because you can't take time away from your goddamn job or this whole Bat thing!" Bat THING?
"God, you just never quit, do you? I'd rather be there than here. I can't stand being here. I hate it!"
I hate her. The words are out and I don't care, I don't care that I hate her.
At this point I don't care about anything.
"I can't do everything! I'm sick of it!" I snap.
"Che non scopate mai avete fatto comunque qualche cosa."
"Speak goddamn English!" The part of her that used to entrance me now makes me enraged more. I hate her.
"You never do anything anyway!" She yells, leaving her accent heavy in an immature attempt to put me in my place.
"I don't want to do this with you any more." The finality in my voice shocks me for a moment. But it's true. I can't do this, any of it, with her anymore.
"You never wanted to do anything with me Terry! You never wanted me." She says bitterly. What a liar. What a goddamn liar. Lydia KNOWS I love her. She knows there were days when I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. Some kind of tightness hits me in my throat, and I struggle not to scream what I want to scream in her face. I hate you.
Keep control, McGinnis.
"And you never wanted Ben."
Ben. My son.
Every moment, image, experience of my life flashes before me like some filmstrip gone wild as I turn and punch Lydia across the face.
-Marcus Aurelius
I get home and wander into the house. Lydia's already here, sitting at the table with a veritable jungle of papers before her.
"Hey Lyd." Lydia gave up saying 'hi' long ago, but I still do it. Force of habit I suppose.
"How was he last night?" I stare at Lydia's concerned face for a second. 12 years and I still don't understand her. Last night she didn't want to hear a word of it. Now she wants a detailed report of how Ben did.
"All right I guess." Ben's doing fine as a sidekick. But I know that that wouldn't have cut it with Wayne. And so it doesn't cut it with me either. Wayne wanted his protégés to be able to stand on their own. He made sure that I could do the job without him. Ben needs to be able to do it without me.
"He's not all right on his own. He needs to learn to be able to do it without me."
"Without you?" Lydia's voice betrays a hint of panic. I move closer to her.
"So far I've bailed him out whenever he gets in trouble. Ben needs to learn to get out of things on his own."
"You're his father. You're supposed to help him when he's in trouble." Lydia's eyes are wide now.
"Come on Lyd. You used to preach about how weak people were that needed to be saved. Well, on this I agree with you. I want Ben to be able to fight it out on his own. He needs to get in a position where I won't be there and he'll have to get himself out."
"You're not doing that to him. To purposely put him in danger just to teach him a lesson? I think you've been hit in the head a few too many times, Terry McGinnis." I sigh. I tried to make it into something that she would agree with, but Lydia doesn't agree with anything I say.
"Look Lyd, I've been doing this for a while. Nothing's going to happen."
"I'm not worried about you!" She snaps.
"You never are." I retort. Lydia used to worry about me. She used to ask me how I was, listen to the answer, and never tell me what to do or how to do it. Now she asks Ben. And Ben only.
"Look, don't you think this has gone on long enough? We let him have his fun. He needs to get back to his life."
I suddenly feel like I'm standing with a complete stranger.
Lydia used to think I was noble. She used to insist that I go off to defend the city back when I wanted to spend every waking moment with her.
Now she thinks what I do is meaningless? That Ben's just having FUN?
"Back to his life? Lyd, this IS his life. He loves being out there! He chose to do it. How can you not realize how much this means to him? God, don't you know your own son?" Lydia's eyes get narrower, and I realize I've made a very bad choice of words.
"You don't know him. You think just because you both get the crap beaten out of you every night together it means you're father and son of the year? You can't make up for 12 years of not being there with-"
"Shut up, Lydia!" I bellow. She's instantly silent. If I have to hear her berate me one more time on how I'm never there for Ben, I'll go crazy. Lydia's face isn't hurt or afraid. There's nothing in it. It's bland, passive.
She used to be so full of violent emotions that you could never predict what she would do next.
I look at her now and I can't remember the last time she said she loved me.
"What's happening, Lyd?" I try to be calm about it, even though I hate the fact that our relationship, our marriage is spiraling out of control. Lydia sits down in a chair.
"He used to cry at night, Terry. He used to cry whenever you had to leave or you didn't come home."
"Stop relating everything to Ben! It's not all about Ben!" She glances up at me.
"Yes it is Terry. It's always been about Ben."
**************************************************************
"How late are we out tonight?" Ben murmurs as we sit in the flyer. Another night out. As Batman and Robin.
As father and son.
"I have no idea."
"Do you ever?" I have to smile. Ben is direct and self-assured.
Cocky, as Wayne would have put it.
"Watch it Robin." We land near a deserted alley and leap out.
"What is it tonight?"
"Extortionist murderers." Ben grins.
"Charming." Slowly we creep around the corner. I open a door and slide inside, flashing the camo on.
Take your time, McGinnis. Danger will always be there. I know, Wayne.
Three very brawny, very intimidating men stand around a stereotypical pencil of a businessman. They've beaten the hell out of him.
"Give us the money." One says in a thick Russian baritone. The man sobs some unintelligible answer. Another smacks him across the face. I don't move a muscle.
"Dad." Ben says in a low voice, crouching right next to me.
"Don't call me Dad, Robin." I growl back.
"Help him!" Ben growls back. Not yet.
"Vlad, persuade him." The one called Vlad pulls out a large knife. Not yet.
"What the." The man murmurs, pausing momentarily to look around him. For a moment I think he's seen me. Then I notice Ben, hanging from a rafter, positioning himself on top of them. Not yet.
"Robin." I say in a warning tone. As usual, Ben completely ignores me, moving closer and closer to the men. I have to admit that he is pretty good. Not one looks in his direction as he swiftly and silently makes his way through the maze of pipes. But then he makes his first mistake. He drops right into the center of their circle. The one names Vlad laughs.
"You've picked a bad night to play dress-up, boy." Now.
I vault out of the shadows, catching the man off guard, slamming him to the ground.
"You've picked a bad one to be threatening people." I reply. All three of them pull their guns on us. We're surrounded.
You're never too late for mistakes, McGinnis. When I got cocky, Wayne started reprimanding me with that. And it rings true, because I've just made a major one.
"What now?" Ben says wryly, folding his arms almost as if it is a game.
"Run." The one named Vlad growls. We're bullet meat if we stay in this building, not to mention their innocent captive. We need to fight them outside. On my turf. Ben and I take off running, but not before splicing the businessman's ropes and allowing him to run away. We fly up into the air, but the three Russians leap onto hover boards and follow us up. Ben and I lead them through a maze of buildings, down alleyways, around smokestacks and up fire escapes.
"Nice going." I murmur. Ben sighs, exasperated.
"I'm sorry. But if you had waited much longer, that guy would have been slagged."
"Don't you think I've been doing this long enough to know when to move and when not to?"
I still feel Wayne's admonition ringing in my ears: Don't be cocky McGinnis. How long am I going to have to do this until I'm experienced enough to not be cocky every time I think I'm right?
"Dad-"
"I'm BATMAN, Robin. That's the most basic rule. Get it right." He sighs again.
"Well, Batman, I said I was sorry!" We finally land on top of an empty building. No trouble. Perfect.
"You'd better redeem yourself." I growl at Ben. Ben breathes quickly. He glances at me.
"Yes sir." His eyes narrow in concentration.
You can do this Ben.
The men swarm in around us.
"I hate to disappoint you, but we are not afraid of a man running around in a costume. And certainly not a smaller version of him." One of them says, laughing.
"Sorry. I'll try harder." I murmur back, tossing a batarang into his hand. The gun goes flying off into oblivion. One of them is shoved forward. Ben's laughter rings out as he comes out of the camo and kicks him in the stomach. Not being one for comments that he considers stupid and corny, Ben just grins at the men. They're too angry to keep up the witty banter, and they swarm in around us. I leap high up above two trying to corner me and surprise them from behind.
"You're probably as weak as the boy." One growls, taking an unsuccessful lunge at me.
"If you'd prefer, I can have him beat the hell out of you." My feet slam into him, and he falls back. I turn to check on Ben. He's gotten himself surrounded. The last two have cornered him, and he's at the edge of the building. For a moment he doesn't move.
"Come on Ben." I whisper. This is it. His moment. If he can't do it now, he'll never be able to.
Come on Ben.
Prove yourself.
All of a sudden one of them flies backward, coughing and sputtering.
Ben's not that strong.
He stands there, not moving, looking just as shocked as I.
"Lydia?" I yell, for a moment forgetting who I am, where I am, what I'm supposed to be. Then one of them hits me square in the jaw, and I jump back into reality.
"Hah! Now you have a woman fighting for you?" The one who got knocked down snarls at me as he grabs me around the neck. I flip him onto the ground, my foot at his throat.
"Considering she knocked you on your ass, I wouldn't be handing out the insults." I punch him across the face. He crawls to his feet and runs off with the other two, finally giving up. I turn back around. Ben still stands motionless, breathing softly, his hands limp at his sides. Lydia rushes to Ben, not even acknowledging that I stand, bruised and bleeding, a few feet away.
"Are you all right?" She says to him.
"Of course he's all right." I snap. She finally turns and glares at me. I would never let anything happen to Ben. I'm his father. Or does she still see me as that 17-year-old that she doesn't need?
"What the hell was that?" I continue, stepping closer to her.
"That was me saving his life."
"He wasn't in any danger."
"He was about to get slagged, Terry-"
"Batman." She glares at me.
"He was about to get slagged, Batman, and I wasn't willing to let that happen. He needed help."
"He could have done it himself."
"He was surrounded. They were about to get him! You weren't there, just like you're never there, and he needed help!" I feel my face contorting into a glare.
"Ben needed to do it on his own." I growl. Ben stares at the ground. He knows what's happened, what he's lost. She's stolen from him the work of 3 months. He'll never know his own ability or bravery. He had the chance, the only chance he'll ever have.
Lydia's taken it from him. And she doesn't care.
"At the expense of his life, his health? No, McGinnis, I'm not going to let him get hurt because of some stupid test you think he has to pass!" I get right up in her face. Is she deaf? Doesn't she get it? She's ruined it! Ben has to start over at square one. Ben stares, red-faced and shameful.
"What the hell is the matter with you? He wasn't in danger. I was watching out for him. No one needed you to come running in and ruining everything with your stupid presumptions and worries."
"You're never watching him Terry-"
"If you call me Terry McGinnis one more time."
"That's who you are! Unless this stupid suit's taken you over forever! Neither of us even knows you anymore!" I never thought I could be as angry with her as I am right now. She's insulted everything I am, everything Ben worked to become, everything.
And she DOESN'T CARE.
"Robin knows who I am."
"Stop calling him Robin! He's not Robin! He's Ben McGinnis and I think he's just as sick of your crap as I am!"
"If he's sick of anyone, it's you. All you ever do is criticize him! Ben's smart enough to see that."
"Stop it!" Ben yells suddenly. We both look at him. I can't see his expression through the mask, but he sighs in disgust and flies off.
**************************************************************
I storm back and forth in the cave. It's a good thing Lydia can't see my eyes through the mask or she'd see the rage that I know is in my face.
"He's not going out there again." Lydia says. I whirl around.
"You can't do that to him!" She can't do that to me. I will not let her take Ben away from what I know he loves.
"This is the wrong way to spend time with him! Nothing you say is ever going to make this all right! You can't endanger his life just because you can't take time away from your goddamn job or this whole Bat thing!" Bat THING?
"God, you just never quit, do you? I'd rather be there than here. I can't stand being here. I hate it!"
I hate her. The words are out and I don't care, I don't care that I hate her.
At this point I don't care about anything.
"I can't do everything! I'm sick of it!" I snap.
"Che non scopate mai avete fatto comunque qualche cosa."
"Speak goddamn English!" The part of her that used to entrance me now makes me enraged more. I hate her.
"You never do anything anyway!" She yells, leaving her accent heavy in an immature attempt to put me in my place.
"I don't want to do this with you any more." The finality in my voice shocks me for a moment. But it's true. I can't do this, any of it, with her anymore.
"You never wanted to do anything with me Terry! You never wanted me." She says bitterly. What a liar. What a goddamn liar. Lydia KNOWS I love her. She knows there were days when I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. Some kind of tightness hits me in my throat, and I struggle not to scream what I want to scream in her face. I hate you.
Keep control, McGinnis.
"And you never wanted Ben."
Ben. My son.
Every moment, image, experience of my life flashes before me like some filmstrip gone wild as I turn and punch Lydia across the face.