The (Malevolent) Wizard Of Oz
Heero and Relena finally performed a break-neck descent after what seemed like hours, or at least it did to the tired bishounen. Relena held onto her crush's arm as they hurtled towards the ground, scared that she was about to die, yet Heero had no worries with this: he'd died many times and been able to live through them, not to mention that landing on the ground from a high drop was almost one of his specialties. He closed his Prussian blue eyes and waited to embrace the gates of hell yet again, thinking that he should pay the doorman something instead of arriving there and returning to life a few minutes later. Heero landed on his neck and broke it instantly, as well as severing many parts of his spinal chord in the process, whereas Relena was granted a soft landing. He stood up without a scratch on him, naturally, and had begun to walk off in a random direction when he heard Relena stating the obvious.
"Heero, I don't think we're in the colonies anymore"
He replied with his signature 'Hn' and proceeded without any regard for her safety in this strange land they were deposited in. He clutched his derringer thoughtfully and wondered when he'd have the ample opportunity to kill the woman responsible for sending him here with her. His pace was interrupted by someone running ahead of him and shouted as a cue for a conversation to ensue between the two of them. A young boy with hair longer than his body stood before him with a stance worthy of the statue of liberty.
"Hey you, are you just going to ignore me? Hello?"
"Hn"
"Well, I've never seen the ill-manners of anything quite like yours, care to explain why you left that lady over there?"
"Hn"
"Well excuse me for being a mere warlock, and I still have to pay you back for landing on me" Duo Maxwell said as he cracked his knuckles in preparation for punching the insolent youth.
"Hn"
"That's it, you're paying for that one mister. Since you're the bad guy here, I think I'll take my revenge for your palpable lack of respect"
Instead of punching him as originally desired, Duo struck his fist outwards and sent a red orb of energy in Heero's direction. He felt like it was anti-climatic, as he felt no different when the ball connected with his torso. He closed his eyes as he changed direction and went to say 'Hn', but it came out as:
"Hnello"
He dropped to his knees in panic because he somehow knew he was unable to say 'Hn', and his eyes widened as he realised the terrible consequences this could beat on him—he may have to talk to people now. He looked at the grinning warlock and screamed out:
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"
Duo performed his confident stance that involved his hand on his hip, eyes closed, his chest out and the other hand in a 'I'm a little teapot' mode as he explained he'd removed his ability to use the phrase 'Hn', and added to the spell was a mechanism that denied Heero the ability to speak in a boring documentary narrator's monotone. Heero snarled ineloquently and Duo moved his hand in the air until it was a wave paused in motion, and then the mischievous warlock headed towards the girl whimpering a strange word on the ground, evidently the boy's name.
"Hey there good-lookin', can I help you?"
"Heero"
"Sorry?"
"Heero, where is he? Do you know where he is?"
"Oh, you mean mister anti-social who thinks he's Evil Knieval and hardly ever speaks? He's right over there"
"HEERO?"
"I don't know why I even bother, these foreigners are as weird as they come"
"What kind of person are you anyway? What have you done to Heero?"
"Given him the chance to act human for once, it's going to teach him that he wasn't put in our world to carry on as irrationally as he's probably intent on doing, It's okay lady, I didn't harm him"
"You took away part of his personality, how can you not have harmed him. HEEEEEEROOO, destroy that man!"
"H—no Relena, we shouldn't be fighting each other, it's not right"
"What sort of miserable person are you anyway?"
"Oh, please excuse my manners for not introducing myself as the one and only Warlock of the East--"
"Duo Maxwell"
"Well hello there Miss, I didn't see you there"
"Apology accepted. It is with great honour that I welcome you both into this land, but may I ask how you came here?"
"I'm sorry, I can't explain it. I want to go home, I need a window to stare aimlessly out of for a while"
"What she means is who are you and what are you bothering us for? And how do we get out of this dump" said Heero, still miffed at his monotone and grunts being removed from his system.
"Well Heero, with a manner like that neither of us will help you disappear, isn't that right witchy?"
"That's not my name Duo, it's Lucrezia Noin, the good witch of the North, not witchy. I would like to thank you for setting me free from bondage with the warlock, he really is wicked"
"WHAT???" Both Heero and Relena said at the same time, which was amazing as they usually only said their own names simultaneously.
"Just doing my job. I can't reverse the magic since I don't know the power of the mage who applied it, and I'm not wasting my power for nothing. I can direct you towards the Wizard of Oz in the Sanc Kingdom if you like? I'd take you by my Deathscythe, but I left it somewhere and I can't remember where. It would be easy to find if it showed up on radar…"
"How far is this Sanc Kingdom?"
"It is quite some distance away, and many dangers lie in its route. The Wizard is a wonderful man though", replied Noin, closing her eyes and dreaming about Milliardo, or Zechs when he had a bad case of acne.
"How do we get there? Assuming that as soon as we leave this place I can talk again, or rather, make inaudible grunts and the odd bout of maniacal laughter once I'm away from your magic, I want to leave this country as soon as possible"
"You'd think that wouldn't you? My magic's more advanced than the witches in this land, so think before you insult, and above all, don't mess with the hair. I haven't combed it since I was eleven"
"He's right, I don't know how he washes it and re-braids it without a comb to be honest. To get there you follow the Mobile Suit Road, it will lead you directly there, but there are people lurking in the machines who may not be overly friendly. Cases of wanderers being destroyed by a clawed man with odd spectacles have circulated, but of course there's no corpse so it's hard to tell if they're more than just rumours. The only way you'll be guaranteed safety is if you have a kiss of a good witch on your forehead. A kiss from a warlock is a curse, in all the senses"
"Shuddup Loo Crate!"
"MAXWELL!"
Heero extracted his derringer from the mystical place that only he knows, and he pointed it at Lucrezia's face as he gave out a warning in as best a monotone he could muster, but the end result sounded like his voice was breaking.
"No-one kisses me, I'm the star of this bizarre story and it's my duty to lock away all emotions. I don't know why I said the only way to live a good life was to act on your emotions as I never show any, therefore my life must be a waste." Heero shot himself and died instantly, not bothering with his 'I will, I will, I will survive speech, having used it many times that month already. Relena screamed out his name and placed a part of her dress on the wound on his head. He returned to life a few seconds later and the material fell off his forehead, revealing immaculate skin and no trace of a bullet hole. Noin took a silver coin out of her pocket and gave it to him for his act. She decided to decline kissing him as he was invincible anyway, and she didn't fancy kissing Relena's. The only person she wanted to kiss was in a Kingdom far, far away, and she drifted off into another fantasy. She drew herself out of her hentai dreams when she realised the three were leaving for the Sanc Kingdom, and she suddenly thought of something: without Duo to place a spell on her for bondage, she could visit Milliardo. She waited until the others were completely out of range before taking a white Taurus suit out of the Mobile Suit Road and made it to her destination in five minutes.
Heero groaned in as many tones as possible to sidestep the groaning ban, grinding his teeth as his patience diminished; Relena and Duo were taking turns in shouting his name every other second, and he knew as the surround-sound trouble persisted, this was going to be a LONG journey.