"Terry!" My eyes slowly open. Mom stands over me, holding the phone out to
me. I can barely remember what time I got in last night. From the way I
feel it could have been anywhere from a half hour to 5 minutes ago. I take
the phone from her and hold it up to my ear, rubbing my eyes with my other
hand.
"McGinnis?" Wayne growls. I immediately sit up. There was something..something I forgot..
"Yeah?"
"It's customary to tell your employer if you plan on staying home sick." There is an iciness to his voice that makes me shiver. I didn't show up last night. I completely and totally forgot about it.
I forgot about Batman.
I ignored Batman.
"You'll be there at 8:00 tonight." He says, not even waiting for me to try and excuse my way out of it. It's a statement, not a question.
"Like always." There's a moment of silence in which I sense that perhaps that was the wrong thing to say.
"This can't happen again, McGinnis. Got it?"
"Yeah, I got it."
"Don't be late." Click. I sigh and stumble out of bed. It's another day. But a day in which things are entirely different.
Because of Lydia.
I get to school and glance around, looking for her. She's standing by her locker.
"Morning." She glances up at me with a grin.
"I hope you're not expecting me to kiss you."
"Nah I think I've had enough of that in the past 24 hours." We go through the day together. Nothing has particularly changed between us; Lydia is still as fearless and unpredictable as ever, and she doesn't act any differently towards me than she ever did. But still, she and I know what we have, and somehow us knowing something that no one else does makes it all the better. At the end of the day I walk out with her. I put my arm around her, but she almost doesn't seem to notice it. Practically doesn't need it.
"Does anything affect you? Or do you just decide how you're going to act from whatever thoughts are in your head?" I ask her as she moves out from under my arm and slides down the handrails of the stairs. She lands on the ground below me and smiles.
"Everything affects me. And I don't decide how I'm going to act. I just act." Lydia takes my hand and pulls me to my bike, hopping onto the back of it.
"I guess I'm giving you a ride home." I say, laughing. She says nothing, as usual, simply waits for me to sit down and then curls her arms around me.
"Let's not go home." She yells as we start to drive, the wind flying all around us.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Go as far in one direction as you possibly can." She answers. She's crazy enough to suggest it.
And I'm crazy enough to do it. For hours we just drive, yelling things to each other over the wind, laughing at the most insane things, and I suddenly feel much younger than the hundred-year-old I'm made to feel like every day. The phone rings again.
Lydia laughs in my ear as I pick it up.
"McGinnis?" Wayne's rough voice again grates on my ear, rougher still from the irritation it has towards me.
"I'm here."
"Drop the girl."
"What? It's only five!"
"I don't care if it's 8 am. Drop the girl and get over here. NOW." Before I can say another word, he hangs up.
"Looks like we have to postpone." I yell over the whipping winds.
"No problem." Lydia answers readily. She understands. She never makes any demands of me. Or at least nothing that I consider a demand in any way.
Unlike Dana, who would have shot first and asked questions later.
I speed up towards her apartment and stop the bike.
"So I'll see you tonight?" She smiles.
"Probably not." I nod and sit there for a moment. She stares back at me.
"Are you waiting for something?" She says with a smile. I feel my face's tone go a bit reddish. I was expecting normal girlfriend-ish affection. I should have known that nothing about Lydia would be normal. But while I sit there, trying to figure out a way to tell her this without getting hit, Lydia leans in and kisses me. She then turns and goes into her building, not even giving me a chance to have the last word.
But I doubt I'll ever have the last word with her. I feel myself grin as I turn around and zoom back towards the outskirts of Gotham, towards Wayne Manor. The wind blows over me as I speed towards the hill. A rush of exhilaration comes with it. Only one other person understands that rush. And it's Wayne. I leave the bike at the gate and make my way in. As usual, Wayne sits at the computer in his chair. Calculating, discerning. Then he turns. Calculating and discerning me.
"You're early."
"I know."
"Suit up."
**************************************************************
"You were sloppy." Wayne says as I remove the mask. I let three of tonight's criminals slip through my fingers. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't focused enough. I woke up this morning feeling like a failure. Then I spent time with Lydia, who seemed happy enough that I was nothing but myself, and now I'm here and I'm a failure again. I wasn't at my best.
And I wasn't good enough for him.
"I'm sorry. I tried-"
"Maybe if you had been here last night you would have done better. You've done better than that before. What's changed?" Wayne demands, staring me in the face.
Wayne's no longer the problem between me and my love life. My love life is now the problem between me and Wayne.
"Nothing's changed." He still stares at me. He knows I won't say it. But from the angry look in his eyes I can tell that he already knows what it is. I spend too much time with Lydia. I neglect the job. I neglect him.
"Look, I had an off night, okay? It won't happen again." For a moment Wayne betrays the cool façade of being emotionless and glares at me. My answer was lazy. Adolescent.
If I were him I would glare at me too.
"It wasn't just tonight, Terry. The past month you've been late, distant, and not at all interested in being Batman."
"That's not true!" Well, except for the late part.
And maybe I was a little distant.
"I told you from day one I wouldn't take anything less than my standards, McGinnis." He says in a low voice. His guillotine is hanging above my head already.
"That's the problem isn't it, Wayne?" I can feel my pent up frustration, aggression, everything slowly taking over my body like some unstoppable disease. I can't do enough at home, I can't do enough at school, and obviously I can't do nearly enough here.
"No one can meet your standards. You don't accept anything less than yourself, and I can't be you! No matter what I do, I will never be the Batman you were!" For a moment Bruce Wayne is silent. The only kind of Batman I can be is my own. I can't recreate the Batman Wayne will never have a chance to be again.
"Go home McGinnis." He says. I turn to go.
"Leave the suit." I stop. Leave the suit? Leave Batman?
"What?"
"Leave it, and come back when you're ready to live up to the privilege of wearing it." I open my mouth to protest, but I know he's right. I lay the suit over the chair, staring back at Wayne.
What the hell have I done?
I've disappointed him.
And worst of all I've disappointed myself.
"McGinnis?" Wayne growls. I immediately sit up. There was something..something I forgot..
"Yeah?"
"It's customary to tell your employer if you plan on staying home sick." There is an iciness to his voice that makes me shiver. I didn't show up last night. I completely and totally forgot about it.
I forgot about Batman.
I ignored Batman.
"You'll be there at 8:00 tonight." He says, not even waiting for me to try and excuse my way out of it. It's a statement, not a question.
"Like always." There's a moment of silence in which I sense that perhaps that was the wrong thing to say.
"This can't happen again, McGinnis. Got it?"
"Yeah, I got it."
"Don't be late." Click. I sigh and stumble out of bed. It's another day. But a day in which things are entirely different.
Because of Lydia.
I get to school and glance around, looking for her. She's standing by her locker.
"Morning." She glances up at me with a grin.
"I hope you're not expecting me to kiss you."
"Nah I think I've had enough of that in the past 24 hours." We go through the day together. Nothing has particularly changed between us; Lydia is still as fearless and unpredictable as ever, and she doesn't act any differently towards me than she ever did. But still, she and I know what we have, and somehow us knowing something that no one else does makes it all the better. At the end of the day I walk out with her. I put my arm around her, but she almost doesn't seem to notice it. Practically doesn't need it.
"Does anything affect you? Or do you just decide how you're going to act from whatever thoughts are in your head?" I ask her as she moves out from under my arm and slides down the handrails of the stairs. She lands on the ground below me and smiles.
"Everything affects me. And I don't decide how I'm going to act. I just act." Lydia takes my hand and pulls me to my bike, hopping onto the back of it.
"I guess I'm giving you a ride home." I say, laughing. She says nothing, as usual, simply waits for me to sit down and then curls her arms around me.
"Let's not go home." She yells as we start to drive, the wind flying all around us.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Go as far in one direction as you possibly can." She answers. She's crazy enough to suggest it.
And I'm crazy enough to do it. For hours we just drive, yelling things to each other over the wind, laughing at the most insane things, and I suddenly feel much younger than the hundred-year-old I'm made to feel like every day. The phone rings again.
Lydia laughs in my ear as I pick it up.
"McGinnis?" Wayne's rough voice again grates on my ear, rougher still from the irritation it has towards me.
"I'm here."
"Drop the girl."
"What? It's only five!"
"I don't care if it's 8 am. Drop the girl and get over here. NOW." Before I can say another word, he hangs up.
"Looks like we have to postpone." I yell over the whipping winds.
"No problem." Lydia answers readily. She understands. She never makes any demands of me. Or at least nothing that I consider a demand in any way.
Unlike Dana, who would have shot first and asked questions later.
I speed up towards her apartment and stop the bike.
"So I'll see you tonight?" She smiles.
"Probably not." I nod and sit there for a moment. She stares back at me.
"Are you waiting for something?" She says with a smile. I feel my face's tone go a bit reddish. I was expecting normal girlfriend-ish affection. I should have known that nothing about Lydia would be normal. But while I sit there, trying to figure out a way to tell her this without getting hit, Lydia leans in and kisses me. She then turns and goes into her building, not even giving me a chance to have the last word.
But I doubt I'll ever have the last word with her. I feel myself grin as I turn around and zoom back towards the outskirts of Gotham, towards Wayne Manor. The wind blows over me as I speed towards the hill. A rush of exhilaration comes with it. Only one other person understands that rush. And it's Wayne. I leave the bike at the gate and make my way in. As usual, Wayne sits at the computer in his chair. Calculating, discerning. Then he turns. Calculating and discerning me.
"You're early."
"I know."
"Suit up."
**************************************************************
"You were sloppy." Wayne says as I remove the mask. I let three of tonight's criminals slip through my fingers. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't focused enough. I woke up this morning feeling like a failure. Then I spent time with Lydia, who seemed happy enough that I was nothing but myself, and now I'm here and I'm a failure again. I wasn't at my best.
And I wasn't good enough for him.
"I'm sorry. I tried-"
"Maybe if you had been here last night you would have done better. You've done better than that before. What's changed?" Wayne demands, staring me in the face.
Wayne's no longer the problem between me and my love life. My love life is now the problem between me and Wayne.
"Nothing's changed." He still stares at me. He knows I won't say it. But from the angry look in his eyes I can tell that he already knows what it is. I spend too much time with Lydia. I neglect the job. I neglect him.
"Look, I had an off night, okay? It won't happen again." For a moment Wayne betrays the cool façade of being emotionless and glares at me. My answer was lazy. Adolescent.
If I were him I would glare at me too.
"It wasn't just tonight, Terry. The past month you've been late, distant, and not at all interested in being Batman."
"That's not true!" Well, except for the late part.
And maybe I was a little distant.
"I told you from day one I wouldn't take anything less than my standards, McGinnis." He says in a low voice. His guillotine is hanging above my head already.
"That's the problem isn't it, Wayne?" I can feel my pent up frustration, aggression, everything slowly taking over my body like some unstoppable disease. I can't do enough at home, I can't do enough at school, and obviously I can't do nearly enough here.
"No one can meet your standards. You don't accept anything less than yourself, and I can't be you! No matter what I do, I will never be the Batman you were!" For a moment Bruce Wayne is silent. The only kind of Batman I can be is my own. I can't recreate the Batman Wayne will never have a chance to be again.
"Go home McGinnis." He says. I turn to go.
"Leave the suit." I stop. Leave the suit? Leave Batman?
"What?"
"Leave it, and come back when you're ready to live up to the privilege of wearing it." I open my mouth to protest, but I know he's right. I lay the suit over the chair, staring back at Wayne.
What the hell have I done?
I've disappointed him.
And worst of all I've disappointed myself.